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Adool

Need Advice....

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Salam Brothers & Sisters,

My name is Adel, i am not an active member on this forum but i do read the topics and posts sometimes.

3 weeks ago my marriage fell apart and although i am suffering emotionally i am able to go on elhamdillah because i have become closer to god than i have been in the past. I met my wife 10 years ago when we were both young, i was in university and she was still in high school. 7 years later we got married. Life couldnt have been better, i had the woman of my dreams and a job i had always wanted, motoring journalist & test driver.

6 months later i was blessed with the news that my wife was pregnant and i was so happy and i wished so hard that god would bless me with a baby girl and he did. However she was born with a heart condition and had to have major open heart surgery which had a 20% success rate, upon recovery we watched our daughter almost leave this world in the ICU, literally she flat lined and turned grey. After a few moments that felt like an eternity she came back into this world. This made me realize that Allah (SWT) is watching over my daughter and sending me and my wife a message, which basically said that he will allow us to keep this gift but we need to change our ways.

I stopped drinking and made an effort to understand my religion better however my wife's attitude took a turn for the worst. She wears short skirts, and every time she bends over everything shows. On many occasions i have found myself in a situation where i want to kill the men who stare and point but at the end of the day it isnt their fault. She wont stop drinking and she insults me and the shia faith (She is sunni) to the degree that she swears at Ahl el-bait. I get so angry that sometimes i feel like i want to slap her, but my father raised a gentleman.

I work hard and elhamdillah i am good at my job to the degree that my judgment in the articles that i write is trusted by many people in Bahrain. She asked me for a divorce 3 weeks ago and, honestly, my heart felt like it was cut into pieces. Although i agreed i was very reluctant, but what was i supposed to do? The person who i thought loved me just told me that she doesnt...

Here are the problems we faced during our marriage:

1) I was living with her in her parents house event though i knew her father was an alcoholic and there are no mo'meneen in that house. The only Qura'an in that house was the one in my bed side table drawer, her mother doesnt pray, her brother doesnt pray and obviously her father doesnt either.

2) Her mother kept filling her head with the idea that my father had to buy us a $800,000 house by the sea, and when i disagreed fighting and arguing continued on a regular basis. Even though i have perfectly a good house in my name which only my mother is living in, who tried her best to treat her like a daughter.

3) My sister always calls her to take her out and become closer to her but she always ignored her.

4) My father tried to get close to her and she rejected him.

She doesnt believe in god and when anybody brings the subject of religion up she insults god and says that religion is all rubbish. i could list a whole lot of other things but it would take you all 2 days to read.

My point is that i love my wife despite all her flaws but Allah and Ahl El-Bait always come first no matter what. My wife was never like this, when we were dating she used to have tons of interest in the Shia faith and would always ask me questions about it. I actually had hopes that she would convert but then she suddenly changed.

As for myself, i have gone back to praying and have started to read more about my religion in order to understand life better and become closer to god. I dont know what to do, all i know is that i what my wife and daughter back in my life and i want my wife to become closer to god and think about what happens in the after life. I am just extremely worried that Iblis will guide her onto the wrong path....

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Salaam,

She wont stop drinking and she insults me and the shia faith (She is sunni) to the degree that she swears at Ahl el-bait.

She doesnt believe in god and when anybody brings the subject of religion up she insults god and says that religion is all rubbish.

The woman you are describing sounds like an apostate kafir. If this is the case and she is, divorce not would even be required in this case as the marriage would be nullified anyhow:

2457. * If a woman becomes an apostate after marriage, her marriage becomes void, and if her husband has not had sexual intercourse with her, she is not required to observe any Iddah. And the position will be the same if she apostatises after sexual relation, but she had reached menopause (Ya'isa), or if she was a minor. And if she had not reached menopause, she should observe Iddah as will be explained in the rules of 'divorce'. And it is commonly held that if she becomes a Muslim during her Iddah, her marriage remains intact. However, it is improbable that this should be valid, and therefore, precaution should not be abandoned. A Ya'isa is a woman who has reached 50 years of age, and because of that advanced age, stops seeing Haidh and does not expect to see it again in her life.

http://www.al-islam.org/laws/marriage2.html#2452

At this stage, if everything you are describing is true, then there doesn't sound like much hope. I know that may be very hard to accept, especially after being so long together and having shared so much, but this does sound like a pretty extreme case and the law is the law. Concentrate on your daughter. May Allah give you the guidance and strength to do the right thing.

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Thank you brother... I am going to ask a question that is a little embarrassing but what does our religion say about a married couple that havent had intercourse in 4 months. The thing is she wouldnt let me touch her, as if she was disgusted by me...I am sorry if this offends anyone i am only trying to understand what my religion says.

Thank you...

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If you're asking about `idda, I don't think I'm seeing exception for this situation, but you'd want to ask a qualified scholar that question. Of course, the `idda would be upon her, not you. If you mean in terms of rights, then her denying a husband sexual intercourse (and if there is no legitimate excuse for her doing so), then this would be a sin on the wife's part. However, if your marriage has already been invalidated anyway, consider this to be a good thing that you have not been having relations with a woman you are not married to.

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1) I was living with her in her parents house event though i knew her father was an alcoholic and there are no mo'meneen in that house. The only Qura'an in that house was the one in my bed side table drawer, her mother doesnt pray, her brother doesnt pray and obviously her father doesnt either. Lets not play the blame game. You weren't a strong Musilm when you married, and you married for the wrong reasons. Now you are reaping the rewards of not marrying properly. I am sure there were ample signs this woman was not right from the beginning, but again, the rules and structure built into Islam to prevent the type of heartbreak you describe was circumvented. Sounds like your family has money, why didn't you and she rent an apartment? It's better to live alone than to be undermined by the bad habits of others. You were drinking too.

2) Her mother kept filling her head with the idea that my father had to buy us a $800,000 house by the sea, and when i disagreed fighting and arguing continued on a regular basis. Even though i have perfectly a good house in my name which only my mother is living in, who tried her best to treat her like a daughter.

You should have been in your own place. Water under the bridge.

3) My sister always calls her to take her out and become closer to her but she always ignored her.

You are her husband you can tell your sister that she can no longer associate with her unless you are there as well.

4) My father tried to get close to her and she rejected him.

Do you mean get close to her to help her get closer to Allah? I hope so.

She doesnt believe in god and when anybody brings the subject of religion up she insults god and says that religion is all rubbish. i could list a whole lot of other things but it would take you all 2 days to read.

If she doesn't believe in God, why did you marry her? I feel you are sort of wanting your cake and eat it too.

She was pretty and sexy and you married her despite the fact that she wasn't religious. Then you wanted to be a religious family, also you were drinking alcohol. What game are you playing? She cannot be a good wife, if you are a failure as a husband. You are the head of the house not her. If you are angry about how she dresses, make your demands and put your foot down or leave it. Now you have a sick child and a broken family. shame.

My point is that i love my wife despite all her flaws but Allah and Ahl El-Bait always come first no matter what. My wife was never like this, when we were dating she used to have tons of interest in the Shia faith and would always ask me questions about it. I actually had hopes that she would convert but then she suddenly changed.

Allah and El Bait did not come first brother. Your ego took you down this road. Sorry.

As for myself, i have gone back to praying and have started to read more about my religion in order to understand life better and become closer to god. I dont know what to do, all i know is that i what my wife and daughter back in my life and i want my wife to become closer to god and think about what happens in the after life. I am just extremely worried that Iblis will guide her onto the wrong path....

Continue praying, move out of that house and bring your wife home and mend your family, that's what a real man would do.

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/\ So you would recommend he continue living with a woman he'd not be Islamically married to, keeping his daughter with a woman who abuses our religion, lives a degenerate lifestyle and disbelieves in God? And as to his past behavior, I don't think he's trying to justify it here, he's saying that when he got married he was lax in his own religious observance and then repented of it. What's wrong with that (the latter part)?

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(salam)

I am sorry to hear that things are not working out between your wife and you. Both of you has faced so much tragedies and difficulties together and yet both of you are so far apart (in ideology, thought process and the way of life).

Since she is already asking for a divorce, you will probably need to either grant her one or stay in this relationship (from your post you are opposed and disgusted by it). And she doesn’t want to stay married to you.

Sometimes I think divorce is a better option than living a life of pure hell. But what is going to happen to your baby? Will she be raised in the correct environment?

Is there a way to bring your wife back to the correct Islamic teaching? Will it help if you speak to some scholar or marriage consular? Can you move to a different house where her family will not interfere with your marital life? Or is it really to late to do anything?

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Salam Brother,

I feel saddend to learn of your situation. Let me offer some advise

Step number 1) (after you ask Allah for help ofcourse)

Get her to stop drinking:

The Prophet (SAWA) said, ‘All evil in its entirety has been gathered in one house and drinking alcohol is the key to that house.’[bihar al-Anwar, v. 79, p. 148, no. 63]

This could be through renting an apartment, moving her away, trying to convince her.

Lessons from the way iblise works:

If a man is religious iblis doesn't just trick him into alchol in one day. Never. Insteaad he works for it, slowly slowly. Maby at first he starts by telling him to tone down on prayer, its a waste of time, the slowly slowly, get him to ask why you even praying 5, pray 4 etc ect till it gets to a point he starts telling him, just visit the pub, don't drink, then one drink won't hurt anyone, just try it. And before you know it he has led him to the house. This proccess takes a while as you can see.

So why don't you do what iblis does in reverse? Work for it slowly slowly, step by step, ibliies knows what his doing, wheres your plan? inshallah with dua's it could be successful. When you work try show you love and care for her, and if religion at the moment is driving her away from you and religion then don't bring it up just of yet.

Step 2

When she has cut down on alchol then you in a great position and from here it easy inshallah. Everything will follow.

If you want to hear more then ill gladly help

Wallahu a3lem

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(bismillah)

(wasalam)

I agree with what macissac has said.. if she apostates and is CURSING the ahlul bayt, then she's chosen her path. I understand marriage is the most disliked permissible thing in Islaam, but it doesn't seem like what we have here is fixable right now. Religion always comes first. Allaah comes first. We're not allowed to marry atheists.

A man repents and his wife doesn't, so after trying and nothing happening it's time to do what's best for him and his daughter. You want his daughter to grow up atheist and dressing inappropriately like her mother is?? Children first look to their parents as examples. If after the divorce she repents and becomes shi'a, then obviously try to make something work.. but if she doesn't there is nothing you can do. Allaah guides whom He wills.

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With the exception of Leda, who so rudely pointed out the mistakes that i am in the process of correcting and basically saying that i am not a man, i thank you all for your support and advice which i have taken in and will consider. I spoke to her today and quietly explained to her that i didnt like what she was doing and that i am not asking her to change over night. Inshallah, Ya Rab, she will take into consideration what i have said and want to change.

As for Leda i would like to make some points clear....

1) Yes i used to drink, but i havent touched the stuff in a year and have had many opportunities too and still didn't. We didn't move into an apartment because she wanted an $800,000 house. I dont know about you but i dont have that kind of money and i am not going to ask my dad for that sort of money either. Despite what you may think, not everybody is born with a silver spoon in their mouths. I did not marry my wife for the wrong reasons and i had no idea how bad the situation in her house was, plus when we first got married she used to ask me about my faith with great interest and read the many books about the Shia'a faith that i have.

2) I have already explained but i will elaborate. I am in debt to the bank and i can not afford an apartment, even if i did i own a huge 6 bedroom house which only my mother and maid live in.

3) My father isn't a religious man, he tried to treat her like his own daughter, you have no right to say "i hope so" at the end of your comment. You havent got any idea what my father is like so dont you dare judge him, obviously yours didn't raise you properly enough to teach you not to be insulting to people.

4) Like i said she wasnt always this way, i married her because i love her, i didn't ask for a 'piece of the cake', and by the way it's pie get to know your English better. I spoke to her on many occasions about her dress code and they always managed to turn onto a big fight. However elsaberoo meftah elfaraj and i chose patience over force.

As for your last comment, well she doesn't want to live in my house, she wants her own house like i said. Yes i will keep praying and i wont stop. I have made my share of mistakes in life, maybe more than most, but i am trying to correct my ways and become a good Muslim who abides by Allah's rules. Last i remember it is never to late to ask for forgiveness. A word of advice from a Shia to his brother, try and be nicer and more compassionate about peoples problems. Being harsh and horrible isn't the way to make friends, just because you know more about Islam than i do it doesn't make you better than me or give you the right to talk to me the way you did. Since you know so much more than me you should know who said this "Be nicer to people on your way up, because you might need them on your way down." I have come here to make friends not enemies, friends that will guide me to the right path and help me on my way to becoming a good Muslim.

Salam Alaikum.....

Edited by Adool

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With the exception of Leda, who so rudely pointed out the mistakes that i am in the process of correcting and basically saying that i am not a man, i thank you all for your support and advice which i have taken in and will consider. I spoke to her today and quietly explained to her that i didnt like what she was doing and that i am not asking her to change over night. Inshallah, Ya Rab, she will take into consideration what i have said and want to change.

As for Leda i would like to make some points clear....

1) Yes i used to drink, but i havent touched the stuff in a year and have had many opportunities too and still didn't. We didn't move into an apartment because she wanted an $800,000 house. I dont know about you but i dont have that kind of money and i am not going to ask my dad for that sort of money either. Despite what you may think, not everybody is born with a silver spoon in their mouths. I did not marry my wife for the wrong reasons and i had no idea how bad the situation in her house was, plus when we first got married she used to ask me about my faith with great interest and read the many books about the Shia'a faith that i have.

2) I have already explained but i will elaborate. I am in debt to the bank and i can not afford an apartment, even if i did i own a huge 6 bedroom house which only my mother and maid live in.

3) My father isn't a religious man, he tried to treat her like his own daughter, you have no right to say "i hope so" at the end of your comment. You havent got any idea what my father is like so dont you dare judge him, obviously yours didn't raise you properly enough to teach you not to be insulting to people.

4) Like i said she wasnt always this way, i married her because i love her, i didn't ask for a 'piece of the cake', and by the way it's pie get to know your English better. I spoke to her on many occasions about her dress code and they always managed to turn onto a big fight. However elsaberoo meftah elfaraj and i chose patience over force.

As for your last comment, well she doesn't want to live in my house, she wants her own house like i said. Yes i will keep praying and i wont stop. I have made my share of mistakes in life, maybe more than most, but i am trying to correct my ways and become a good Muslim who abides by Allah's rules. Last i remember it is never to late to ask for forgiveness. A word of advice from a Shia to his brother, try and be nicer and more compassionate about peoples problems. Being harsh and horrible isn't the way to make friends, just because you know more about Islam than i do it doesn't make you better than me or give you the right to talk to me the way you did. Since you know so much more than me you should know who said this "Be nicer to people on your way up, because you might need them on your way down." I have come here to make friends not enemies, friends that will guide me to the right path and help me on my way to becoming a good Muslim.

Salam Alaikum.....

Salam alykum,

Keep us updated. Inshallah the best. (BTW try reminding her of death)

Wallahu a3lem

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(salam)

Brother Adool,

You have a lot of admirable quality (i.e., patient, good akhlak, willingness to improve yourself, and being very accommodating). Probably most people don’t realized how patient you have been facing such a huge personal crisis.

From you post, I get the impression that you want to do something about the trouble in your marriage. I do think it is a good decision to first talk to your wife about these problems before signing the divorce paper.

- I personally think your wife is being unreasonable by demanding another house when you already have one that is livable. Have you suggested that both of you go and stay at your house on trial basis? Can you guys work something out where she only has to stay there few days a week? Maybe alternate between staying in your home and her parents house.

- Her hostility towards your faith is completely unacceptable. Sometimes I think the only reason she is hurling these particular insult towards you is because she knows she can hurt you by her words. She is being mean, rude and childish. You need to ask her to stop doing this.

Insha Allah you will be able to work everything out.

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You have a choice, either help her to see Islam and Ahlul Bayt. Give it a go. If you feel there is absolutely no use trying, then I agree with macisaac fully. Dvorce her (though it seems the marriage has been anulled already, ask a scholar) and make sure that piety of your spouse is a big consideration when you pick.

If you decide to help her see Islam, you should still visit a Scholar and discuss this issue, since it seems she may have apostatized.

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(bismillah)

(wasalam)

I agree with what macissac has said.. if she apostates and is CURSING the ahlul bayt, then she's chosen her path. I understand marriage is the most disliked permissible thing in Islaam, but it doesn't seem like what we have here is fixable right now. Religion always comes first. Allaah comes first. We're not allowed to marry atheists.

A man repents and his wife doesn't, so after trying and nothing happening it's time to do what's best for him and his daughter. You want his daughter to grow up atheist and dressing inappropriately like her mother is?? Children first look to their parents as examples. If after the divorce she repents and becomes shi'a, then obviously try to make something work.. but if she doesn't there is nothing you can do. Allaah guides whom He wills.

That should read 'divorce', shouldn't it? What has come over our girls?

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I agree with br macissac, 14infallibles, and others

If she regularly says (and not just once or in a fit of rage, etc) that religion is rubbish and curses Ahl Al Bayt, then she is not Shia and in fact not even Muslima.

So actually, your aqid(marriage contract) comes into question from a Fiqh(jurisprudence) point of view. Also the fact that she refuses to give you your right

(sexual intercourse) for four months is also another cause for divorce according to the teaching of our Prophet(p.b.u.h) and Imams(a.s). Like it was said ^,

divorce is the most hated by Allah(s.w.a) of all the halal things, but thulm(oppression) is one of the most hated of all things by Allah(s.w.a), period.

Your wife is doing thulm (oppressing you). So this is more hated by Allah(s.w.a) than divorce. Allah(s.w.a) did not create you in order for you to live life

as a muthlum(oppressed person).

Since you have a long history and have a daughter together, I would spend some time with her before proceeding with divorce. Try to talk to her yourself, or try to find an alim(learned person) to explain the religion to her. She should understand that the religion of Islam is based on logic and thinking (aqlaq) and fitra(your own internal nature). The goal of Islam is to explain to the person who they really are, i.e. their fitra, and guide them thru their own aklaq in order to help them to most fully utilize the talent and nature given to the by Allah(s.w.a) and give them the best life in this world and the next. Many don't present the religion that way, but simply as a list of do's and don'ts. I suspect it was presented to her that way at some point, either by you or someone else or her family. Understanding to dos and don'ts without understanding the underlying philosophy and issues will not be appealing to most people and they will disregard it at some point, either openly (as she has done) or in their heart but will continue to maintain a facade of piety. That is why we, as muslims, are highly encouraged to use our aklaq and seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave in order to strengthen our Iman(faith in Allah(s.w.a) so that we don't fall into the traps laid for us by Satan, the accursed. Salams.

Give her some time, and explain things to her. See if she is willing to make some changes in order to move toward Haqq. An example may be for her to promise you that she will stop drinking alcohol. If she does this, your marriage has a chance and I would stay. Otherwise, I would divorce her. Salams.

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That should read 'divorce', shouldn't it? What has come over our girls?

LOL man come on that was a mistype!

I meant divorce is the most dislike permissible thing! Everyone else got what I was sayinng..

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LOL man come on that was a mistype!

I meant divorce is the most dislike permissible thing! Everyone else got what I was sayinng..

Well, a rather dangerous mistype. What you were saying was obvious to a Muslim, because of the context, but imagine a non Muslim's fright when reading that. Had to bring it to your attention. Glad it is sorted. :unsure:

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Salam everybody,

First of all i would like to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for helping a brother you have never met. I have some bad news though...

I tried talking to my wife and explain the point of religion and marriage and how we could try and make things work and how god would fix things if we only showed him that we regret the our past discretions and genuinely ask for forgiveness. But she was not convinced with my words and wants to go ahead as planned and get the divorce official. I guess the time has come for me to accept what she wants and go ahead as planned.

Thank you all for your help, and i hope that Allah blesses you all.

Adel

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Sorry to hear brother. But inshallah khayr, and that things turn out well anyway. It sounds like you have accepted, which is very good and will help you heal.

Remember the true believers are recognized by nothing other than their steadfastness - so focus on your Deen and inshallah you'll feel better soon.

Wa alaikum al salaams

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Salam everybody,

First of all i would like to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for helping a brother you have never met. I have some bad news though...

I tried talking to my wife and explain the point of religion and marriage and how we could try and make things work and how god would fix things if we only showed him that we regret the our past discretions and genuinely ask for forgiveness. But she was not convinced with my words and wants to go ahead as planned and get the divorce official. I guess the time has come for me to accept what she wants and go ahead as planned.

Thank you all for your help, and i hope that Allah blesses you all.

Adel

(bismillah)

(salam)

Best of Luck Brother, Inshallah, we will all pray that you succeed on the right path, and bring your child along with you.

vas salam

Ali

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Akh Adool,

My opinion, since you posted here I assume you want some opinions (without the need for us to be rude).

Move on, hopefully without your wife who as is, doesn't seem to be a good choice as a life companion. Just from past experience, it's just better to suffer the pain now and move on . If it was in the early stages, I would say try to patch things up best you can and stay together. But from what you say it looks like it's too late now.

Don't worry, ask Allah (SWT) for assistance, and He (SWT) will replace you with a better wife. Maybe not as good looking. But she will take care of you and your deen.

BTW, have you driven the F430 Scuderia? I've been in my bro's 360 CS and it's fantastic.

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One thing I've noticed in people who (suddenly) lose their faith is that some sort of tragedy or adverse event sets them off. Are you sure that your wife isn't hiding anything from you or trying to force you into a divorce (for whatever reason)?

In any case, the advice of the brothers (and sisters) above is sound. I wish you the best of luck. May Allah keep you steadfast in your worship and strengthen your iman.

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