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OneNoteSong

Non-compatible Shia Guy

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Which of the following two would you pick if you were single and 30yo (i.e. out of options)?

A) The Shia guy you weren't very compatible with OR

B) The Non-Shia guy you were very compatible with (compatible in terms of interests, personality, etc)?

Edited by OneNoteSong

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(bismillah)

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In al-Faqih from as-Saduq: And Safwan narrated from Zurara from Abu `Abdillah (as). He said: Marry the doubters (ash-shakkak) and do not marry (your women to) them, for the woman takes from the culture of her spouse and he subjugates her upon his religion.

The hadeeth is referring to the men of ahluls sunnah. So the men can marry women of ahlus sunnah, but women cannot marry men of ahlus sunnah..

so in this case, I would say try to convert the sunni to the haqq, and if that doesn't work, keep waiting cuz 30 isn't THAT bad. Make du'a and Allaah will make it easy on you and may bring you someone better than either of them.

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B ) . There won't be many men left by then so it will be time for action and for a decision. At that point the other option, perhaps option C) -- remaining single for life-- would be more and more of a possibility.

Make du'a and Allaah will make it easy on you and may bring you someone better than either of them.

Or Allah may bring no one else (in which case people would justify that as Allah thinking that it's better for you to remain single in life).

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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(salam)

It's not a simple question, it depends on how important religion is to both parties/how much it's a part of their lives. And also to what degree there is compatibility/incompatibility.

wasalaam

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Which of the following two would you pick if you were single and 30yo (i.e. out of options)?

A) The Shia guy you weren't very compatible with OR

cool.gif The Non-Shia guy you were very compatible with (compatible in terms of interests, personality, etc)?

Bear in mind that this is a two way street. A Shia guy is perhaps more tempted and entitled to ask this question, as his options extend into the vast, wide and varied realm of choice from the myriad types from the Ahl al Kitab, rather than just the bigoted (Sunni, Wahabi, Aga Khani, Bohra and like) Muslim community. My sister is married to a 'compatible' luke warm on the brink so called Shia, born and bred in a Shia family but with no concept of religion. The problems are now evident. I cannot bear to imagine what issues would arise in time in chosing to marry a non Shia. Religion plays a strong role in many aspects of the couple's life- from marriage ceremony itself through to funeral and inheritance issues, not to mention the possibility of divorce. And custody, upbringing and religion issues relating to any children.

For a fleeting perception of compatibility, I wouldn't sacrifice or compromise on my faith and family. Yes, it might take longer to come across the ideal compatible Shia guy or girl, but the wait is definitely worth it. Inshallah no one would become an old and bitter spinster for choosing to safeguard faith in the true religion. Why not aggressively and proactively start scanning the Shia community for potential options? You could be pleasantly surprised with what you can find.

B ) . There won't be many men left by then so it will be time for action and for a decision. At that point the other option, perhaps option C) -- remaining single for life-- would be more and more of a possibility.

Or Allah may bring no one else (in which case people would justify that as Allah thinking that it's better for you to remain single in life).

There is absolutely no dearth of Shia men in the world. Yes, they would appear scarce if you have already fallen for a guy who is not from the community. You would surely find enough reasons to justify that choice, even deny that there are any single eligible Shia men left in a worldwide community of over 100 million.

Edited by Scimitar

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Which of the following two would you pick if you were single and 30yo (i.e. out of options)?

A) The Shia guy you weren't very compatible with OR

B) The Non-Shia guy you were very compatible with (compatible in terms of interests, personality, etc)?

As i cannot comment on the religious aspect, my question to you is why do you say 30 and out of options? Does that mean that women have expiry dates? I hope i don't sound critical, just curious

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^Many Muslim women feel that they must get married early because it tends to be a norm within many of the cultures that Muslims are a part of. They may even choose to marry earlier than they would have desired, not achieving their goals in terms of academia etc, moving out to the foreign land of their spouses. They may feel that the people in their culture will make assumptions about them and their inadequacies if they choose to wait past their 30s for marriage. Unfortunately they can be right in having such feelings because old aunties and such WILL look down upon them. It's a crying shame and people should wait until they have achieved what they wanted to achieve prior to making such a commitment and should wait until they are truly happy with the person that they are going to marry. Hopefully we can break these social and cultural impositions as we progress over the years.

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^Many Muslim women feel that they must get married early because it tends to be a norm within many of the cultures that Muslims are a part of. They may even choose to marry earlier than they would have desired, not achieving their goals in terms of academia etc, moving out to the foreign land of their spouses. They may feel that the people in their culture will make assumptions about them and their inadequacies if they choose to wait past their 30s for marriage. Unfortunately they can be right in having such feelings because old aunties and such WILL look down upon them. It's a crying shame and people should wait until they have achieved what they wanted to achieve prior to making such a commitment and should wait until they are truly happy with the person that they are going to marry. Hopefully we can break these social and cultural impositions as we progress over the years.

I agree. A brother recently approached me for his friend who was interested in me but he's sunni, I said no thanks and tell the guy to move on. Then the brother who approached me kept pushing me to talk to the other guy cuz evidently I'm not getting any younger and I shouldn't be so picky or I'll never be able to get married.

WTH I'm 19!

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^Many Muslim women feel that they must get married early because it tends to be a norm within many of the cultures that Muslims are a part of. They may even choose to marry earlier than they would have desired, not achieving their goals in terms of academia etc, moving out to the foreign land of their spouses. They may feel that the people in their culture will make assumptions about them and their inadequacies if they choose to wait past their 30s for marriage. Unfortunately they can be right in having such feelings because old aunties and such WILL look down upon them. It's a crying shame and people should wait until they have achieved what they wanted to achieve prior to making such a commitment and should wait until they are truly happy with the person that they are going to marry. Hopefully we can break these social and cultural impositions as we progress over the years.

Thanks for the response, it is a shame, you should never feel pressured due to time

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For a fleeting perception of compatibility, I wouldn't sacrifice or compromise on my faith and family. Yes, it might take longer to come across the ideal compatible Shia guy or girl, but the wait is definitely worth it. Inshallah no one would become an old and bitter spinster for choosing to safeguard faith in the true religion. Why not aggressively and proactively start scanning the Shia community for potential options? You could be pleasantly surprised with what you can find.

It may be worth the wait in the end, but what if there is no spouse awaiting you at the end of that long wait?

There is absolutely no dearth of Shia men in the world. Yes, they would appear scarce if you have already fallen for a guy who is not from the community. You would surely find enough reasons to justify that choice, even deny that there are any single eligible Shia men left in a worldwide community of over 100 million.

It's not number, it's access that is an issue.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not in that position of having fallen for a guy not in our community.

It's not that any girl wants to have to resort to marrying outside the community, it's just that there aren't that many options for girls, so they must make the most of what is available to them.

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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Salaam

You shouldn't marry someone incompatible. I wouldn't personally choose to marry a Sunni either due to religious differences.

Babybeaver, it sounds like you are still having trouble finding a spouse... maybe you need to look into more ways to increase the pool of potential Shia husbands around you

Take care

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Well if it's a middle path, open-minded Muslim why not? I'm sure a balanced guy who I would be compatible with would appreciate the Ahlul Bayt as much as I do after a while anyways. Geez. Shia sunni whatever.

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I clarified "compatible" as compatible in all other ways except religion. I was curious to see if people would pick A, B, or neither. Guys, 30 yo for a woman means that not only are they on the shelf, but they're pretty much settled comfortably on the proverbial shelf.

Edited by OneNoteSong

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I clarified "compatible" as compatible in all other ways except religion. I was curious to see if people would pick A, B, or neither. Guys, 30 yo for a woman means that not only are they on the shelf, but they're pretty much settled comfortably on the proverbial shelf.

LOL :!!!:

(Actually, I've been laughing about this topic since it started, but I resisted posting that for as long as I could. I can't believe that its a woman who is putting forth the assertion that women have an expiration date of 30 years! She's still got probably 15 child-bearing years left at 30 and hardly any children die in infancy anymore so there's no reason to need all that time unless you plan to have more than a dozen!)

Don't marry either. Being alone is far superior to a bad marriage.

Edited by smiley

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Actually, for a FIRST marriage a girl must be married by 30. People assume something is wrong with you if you're not married by then. Actually, I would try my best to avoid bearing any children past age 35 because those are high-risk pregnancies, both for mommy and baby.

Edited by OneNoteSong

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Actually, for a FIRST marriage a girl must be married by 30. People assume something is wrong with you if you're not married by then. Actually, I would try my best to avoid bearing any children past age 35 because those are high-risk pregnancies, both for mommy and baby.

People assume all kinds of BS... thats people for you.

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Actually, for a FIRST marriage a girl must be married by 30. People assume something is wrong with you if you're not married by then.

(bismillah)

Sadly, I'd have to agree with you. Even for converts, within women's circles you're looked down upon the longer you go without getting married. And men stop approaching too. It's nothing wrong with the woman, perhaps just the circumstances were never right.. but how many good men now a days over age 30 will even marry another woman that age? Not many.. I say that because most men that age are looking for girls 18-21, in my experience.

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Which of the following two would you pick if you were single and 30yo (i.e. out of options)?

A) The Shia guy you weren't very compatible with OR

B) The Non-Shia guy you were very compatible with (compatible in terms of interests, personality, etc)?

I don't think I would ever choose a guy to marry but I do think compatibility, as you've defined, goes a few more miles than mere subscribing of the two incompatibles, the opposite of what you've defined, to the Shia faith.

It would be I think futile on my part to choose one of the two scenarios by way of pure theory. I think real life experience is the only way one can determine that which of the two options, ultimately, is likely to come on board. Personally, alhamd I should add, I have never found my self caught in a clash of compatibility or love vs. religious beliefs.

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I dont think it's good to theorize about this stuff, when you get married you marry a real person not just some idea, and theorizing "i wonder which is better" is not really helpful

Yes it is much harder for women to marry after the age of 30 and I imagine it is a must bigger adjustment to have a first marriage after the age of 30, however I do have (Shia) friends (ladies) who were around 35 who got married (not married before). Of course it's not desirable and it wasn't their choice to wait that long but sometimes that's how life happens. So anyway don't give up hope but yes it is prudent for women to try to get married before that if possible. Anyway the biological clock usually kicks in and offers advice at that age so no one really needs to give advice from the outside.

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I clarified "compatible" as compatible in all other ways except religion. I was curious to see if people would pick A, B, or neither. Guys, 30 yo for a woman means that not only are they on the shelf, but they're pretty much settled comfortably on the proverbial shelf.

(salam)

Again, what do you mean compatible? Can you describe few examples? :unsure: I am hesitant to suggest who you should choose based on so little information. I don't mean to pry in your private affairs but how sure are you that the non-Shia guy is completely compatible while the Shia-guy are completely incompatible.

I don't think 30 year old woman is on the shelf.

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Zareen, unfortunately you don't get to decide who is on the shelf and who isn't. Society does. The sad reality is that 30-yr-old women ARE on the shelf. The proposals just stop coming for them. I'm not saying the marriage of the hypothetical girl with A or B couldn't work. I'm sure either one could lead to a "successful" marriage--i.e. they don't end up divorcing or hating each other. I'm sure any Shia girl could make any marriage with any Shia boy work. But I'm wondering about the optimal marriage. By compatible I mean one where e.x. the girl and guy feel comfortable talking to each other, one in which they're attracted to each other, one in which they either think alike or complement each other (depending on what each individual is looking for), one in which the two can be best friends. Is that specific enough for you? Marriage isn't just about sex and raising children--it has the potential to be so much more.

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(salam)

Since you are being very general, let me try to explain as best as I can.

Some girls and also boys look for compatibility in things that seems very shallow and materialistic (at least to me). I don’t know if this is because everyone has different views about marriage or knowledge/understanding about real world or their upbringing. I am not accusing you of being one of these girls.

The only thing I can grasp from your post is that you are undecided. You have not given us a description/characteristic of either of these men (except some vague reference of one being compatible and another incompatible). My question to you was, don’t you consider religion as one of the measure for compatibility? :unsure:

I am repeating myself, but we don’t have enough information to discern who is the best candidate. This is just a roll of dice since either one has the potential to become a good/bad husband.

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I don't think this is a problem, or maybe it is only in some communities? I married first time when I was 36 and no problems with babies so far alhamdulilla. I know young ladies who had miscarriage, premature labour, or birth defects. They say that there is more risk for older women in pregnancy, but I think that more risk is less than the more risk that is random or runs in families. I got many unsuitable proposals for a long time before accepting a good one.

So don't worry about who you should settle for. Marry the right person, even if you have to wait.

Edited by anonymouse

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Yes 30 is not "past their shelf lives" for women. In fact they are probably even better able to handle motherhood because they may be more settled and mature than they were 8 or 10 years before. It is likely that it will take longer to conceive, probably have more tests during the pregnancy as the age passes 35 or so, but its very possible to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. Dealing with raising the child depends on individual fitness and attitude and family circumstances. It is more difficult to raise a child when you are older and living in a fragmented family situation. But totally possible.

However, I have to reluctantly agree with OneNoteSong. Society does look down on never-married women past a certain age. And unforunately although men can get away by being unmarried for longer, when they do look for a woman its likely they will settle for one lot younger than them.

Edited by Muskaan

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