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tlady

[Closed/Review]I Am Not Sexually Attracted To My Husban

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Unlike your dig at Christian religions, over one incident in the Church of England? :P

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_England

Members 13.4 million

Yeah, a whole 13.4 million. Christianity is still the worlds largest religion with between 2.1 and 2.2 billion members, but I reckon what Priince Charles done as head of the Church of England and the whole 13.4 million followers meant it was ok to have a sly dig at ALL of Christianity over it?

Pot, Kettle, Black :D

In my original post I said:

AIUI Islam does not work in the same way as some more liberal forms of Christianity. People on the latter type of board may well have taken a more accepting view. I don't think Islam does and I don't think it should.

1. My dig was not sly, it was explicit

2. I did NOT refer to the whole Christian church, only to the more liberal elements

This is the CofE view of adultery:

that fornication and adultery are sins against this ideal, and are to be met by a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion;

that homosexual genital acts also fall short of this ideal, and are likewise to be met by a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion;

http://www.cofe.anglican.org/info/socialpublic/marriagefamily/humanrelationships/humansexuality/

Some bits I have emphasised. I find it curious that faithfulness is somehow presented just as an 'ideal'. Something that would be very nice to have, but like all things that are ideal, often not achievable.

In her message on my profile page the OP says that my approach turns people off Islam. Well it's the desperate fear the CofE has of lay opinion that causes it to come up with weasel expressions such as this one.

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To the OP: I think Maryaam, Sukayna and some other members gave very wise and practical advices.

Easy there, do you know what is the punishment of he who accuses a Muslim of adultery ? Have you seen her commit? Did she say she committed adultery? No, don't make assumptions-or rather accusations. Please follow religion's instructions if you want to judge or if you want to moderate this forum accordingly. I see no reason to close this thread, the woman is explaining her situation and seeking help, she clearly stated her regret for her mistakes (which could be an emotional relationship or something else regardless it's a mistake and she regrets it) are you going to close all the threads where people admit their sins?

Bro Hajji, no one made it "normal" to have an outside marriage relationship, no poster said it's ok or encouraged it. The OP herself admit that it was wrong and that she regrets it. It is an information she had to include if she's seeking advice, it's wrong to talk about the husband's mistakes and not mentioning hers when she's explaining the problem.

She's anonymous, she can talk about her sins, she's seeking help, you can ask a faqeeh about this.

1-She did have to include that information to make the situation clear so the audience know that not only her husband did something wrong, but her too, and also that information about her other relationship is very important to anyone who can give her a good advice because that very relationship could be the main cause why she can't get intimate with her husband anymore.

2-Have you not read the hadith "kul ibn adam kha6aa2 wa khayrul kha6a2een alta2iboon" Translation: "All sons[and daughters](descendent) of Adam commit mistakes and the best of the mistake commiters are the repenters". The generalisation Sc-atters have made this time is in its place.

3-Yes, religious people are not infallible unfortunately.

I still don't understand, why closing this thread? What's wrong with it exactly? Why not help the sister with some wisdom or remain silent? Will shutting people down do any good? Or orienting them and try to find solutions with them? And no one is approving, supporting, encouraging, justifying the 4 years relationship, some of you forgot the problem of this thread and are just taking that one sentence and wanting to lash the woman or to shush her (at least) because of what? Because she regrets and repents? Because she prays God helps her to love her husband?...Please everyone..

thank you calm...i am repentant and hurt...obviously confused as well...i love my husband as a friend..he is a good father and we both, like you have mentioned, have made mistakes!!! We have WONDERFUL children...they really are ( all moms think their kids are great) but I have poured my energy into them trying to escape mypast...this was nt a love marriage, it was very much arranged when i was in my mid teens...i thank you so much for at least trying to understand... I appreciate some of the posts I have gotten, but I do not want to falter from my deen!! My story seems to threaten the forum, which is so strange since so many people have similar or different problems of various caliber of being sinful!!!

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Salaam alaykum sister,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation - it seems you have been hurting for a long time and mistakes have been made on all sides, and now you're desperately looking for a way out to make things better. Because of your husband's abuse, he has hurt you a great deal - and the emotional damage from abuse is often far worse than the physical damage. Of course you can't be intimate with him if you have such huge walls of pain between you. For women, emotional security is essential in order to desire intimacy, so it is no surprise that being intimate is so difficult for you.

You've said that he is a good father, and that you still want to reconcile with him. You've also said that he is not abusive toward you anymore, is that correct? Is it something he's just stopped doing for a while, or has he actually apologized for his behavior and declared that he would stop the abuse? There's a big difference between the two. Abusers typically work in two stages: an abusive stage and a peaceful stage. If they were abusive nonstop, they know that their partner would never stay. When they cycle into being abusive, the partner often stays and puts up with it, holding on to the fact that the abuser can be so kind and loving, hoping he'll go back to that. And he will go back to being peaceful when he realizes their partner has reached a breaking point and is about to leave - they'll cycle back to being nice in order to get them to stay and forgive them for everything they've done. This is why so many countless women stay with an abusive partner - they get hooked into the cycle and often don't see the big picture of what is really happening.

So, you need to determine whether his abuse has stopped because he has decided to actually change, or if he's simply in a peaceful stage and could cycle back into being abusive at any point.

If he has actually decided to change, then reconciliation is the best. As God says in the Quran, if a husband and wife desire reconciliation, then God will grant that to them.

However, in order to reconcile and to solve the issue between you and your husband, you need to:

1. End the relationship with the other person. Emotional cheating (for women) is more dangerous because it's very difficult for women to be emotionally involved with more than one person. So, the woman usually ends up withdrawing from her partner and focusing all her energy and emotions on the other person. If you want to reconcile with your husband, it will be impossible to work through all the damage and pain when your heart is elsewhere. In order to get your emotions back and invested in your husband, you must completely get rid of all distractions. You have to end it and cut all ties with the other person.

2. You need to go to marriage counseling. Whether it be with an actual therapist or with an imam at a local mosque, you and your husband need professional help to be able to put back the pieces of your relationship. Your faith, trust, and love for him were all shattered when he was abusing you, and the road to recovery is a long one that needs his full support. If he desires reconciliation with you and wants a healthy, loving relationship, he has to take action in order to fix what he has destroyed.

Your issues with intimacy, in my opinion, are caused by two things: the past abuse (if things aren't right in a relationship and the woman doesn't feel safe or has been hurt - emotionally or physically - by her husband, intimacy is nearly impossible and she often loses her attraction to her partner), and your emotional dependence on someone else. If your emotions are invested elsewhere, you won't be able to give anything to your husband.

I pray that God will give you the strength and guidance to choose the right path and take the right steps. If you'd like to talk to me about it further, please feel free to do so.

Fi aman Allah-

Thank you for taking the time and effort to write this post. I really appreciate the maturity and thoroughness of your response. I dont know if my husband is in the "peace" cycle. I dont do anything he does not want me to do, because, yes, I am afraid of ever making him angry. I dont ask for much, just for my children when needed. I have not ever disrespected him or his family. The history is too much to write...over 15 yrs is much to have patience with....I am not trying to normalize a bad situation or hurt my husband, whom i do love as a friend, just not as man that seems to care much for my emotions. I do feel trapped because I never want to hurt him or my children and I feel that so much has come down as my burden to bear. People would say of course you are hurting them, but in the case of potentially finding out. I have not talked about it much because being abused is just somehow embarassing! I was not ready for marriage in my mid teens and never thought I would endure all this. Trust me when i tell you I have cried for yrs inmy salat to love him that way again..to fall in love for once with him and to hold him as my husband...I swear its been yrs that i have been doing this!!! He is not one to go to a marriage counselor. The one time I mentioned it about 4 yrs ago, i had to leave the house because I became afraid...it was not even an argument, but he blew his top!! I never brought it up again. My children are in tehir teens I have protected them with my life. I smile and go on as if nothing ever happened...they think we have the "perfect" marriage. My silence has lead my children to be very content and happy and practice their deen. unfortunately in culture and religion, the idea of reconciliation and long term support is not very welcoming. Im sure you have read many of the posts here and it's difficult moving forward when one knows how he or she are peceived. Nonetheless, I will definitely listen to your advice and may even try talking to my husband again. That in itself takes lots of courage..scares me to even think about it but I will try again. I hope Allah blesses you with all your wishes IA...thank you again

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Salam,

I almost never contribute to threads like this, however, I will make an exception in this case to let you know that I (and I'm sure many other members) support your actions in this (and other similar) cases of this I have seen.

It seems that many people come to this board and open up their personal life to millions of strangers in the hope that they will get some type of support or sympathy. Sometimes these people are truly innocent victims that are deserving of sympathy and words of encouragement, however, (and maybe more often) we get a one sided "tale of woe" from a person that (like most of us, including myself) is more responsible for the negative aspects of their life then they care to admit or own up to. When someone points out their own mistakes in the matter they become hostile and defensive....and then they leave (and maybe that's best anyway).

I am glad that we have moderators who sincerely try to create a safe environment on this board while not ignoring behaviors (such as admiring to major sins and not expecting anyone to point this out) that could cause the message of this board (to promote Islam and Islamic values) to become diluted.

I would like to see how you may feel if God forbid, u were in a situation, where you needed support and advice and people said you are condemned to hell!! As far as protecting this forum, isn't that why we are given the right to discuss matters if one comes for sincere help? I am not being hostile or defensive as I mentioned where I was wrong, but a person who starts name calling and condemnation (as if they are Allah themselves) has lost their foundation in any presenting argument from his or her side. You see, just because a person may not be in my situation, does not mean they cannot understand. All this bantering of bad deeds being accepted as ok is NONSENSE, since I NEVER would make such a claim. My "tale of woe" is my reality, and sarcasm is not kind. My life is not a joke and if I give details its for people to understand the scope of my situation. Piety and being "religious" is an aura, actions with wisdom, and feeling humanity. This topic just threatens them because it seemed as if they lost control..like so many mullahs...yet others, not me, wanted this topic to continue.....how so many hide behind the curtain of religion......

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In my original post I said:

AIUI Islam does not work in the same way as some more liberal forms of Christianity. People on the latter type of board may well have taken a more accepting view. I don't think Islam does and I don't think it should.

1. My dig was not sly, it was explicit

2. I did NOT refer to the whole Christian church, only to the more liberal elements

I dont think adultery is accepted as such in 'liberal forms' of Christianity, its still considered a sin in virtually ( if not all ) Christian religions. Hence the Seventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. Its more a case of certain Christian people accepting that we are not all perfect and have weaknesses. But we believe the punishment for that sin sould be repentance, as opposed to capital punishment ( stoning to death etc... ), which seems extremely harsh. As we see in the US and other countries, murder rates in countries that have the death penalty are generally higher than in those that dont, so a more harsh punishment often does not mean people are less likely to do something. There are many brothels and prostitutes in many Islamic countries like Iran and Pakistan etc..., and I doubt it is only single men ( zina in that case, as Mutah with a prostitute seems to be not permitted ), so Muslims are committing adultery also. Fair to say these brothels are not being visted by just non-Muslims in those countries.

Needing four witnesses also means that being caught committing adultery is also very unlikely.

This is the CofE view of adultery:

that fornication and adultery are sins against this ideal, and are to be met by a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion;

that homosexual genital acts also fall short of this ideal, and are likewise to be met by a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion;

http://www.cofe.anglican.org/info/socialpublic/marriagefamily/humanrelationships/humansexuality/

Some bits I have emphasised. I find it curious that faithfulness is somehow presented just as an 'ideal'. Something that would be very nice to have, but like all things that are ideal, often not achievable.

How else would you call it apart from an 'ideal'?. I dont believe by saying its an 'ideal' that its impossible to achieve, calling it a 'norm' would be no better.

In her message on my profile page the OP says that my approach turns people off Islam. Well it's the desperate fear the CofE has of lay opinion that causes it to come up with weasel expressions such as this one.

Well I believe that we are all human, are not infallible, and all make errors in judgement occasionally, and that a death sentence for adultery would personally put me right off Islam, or living in a country where such laws are in place. I consider faithfulness as very important in relationships, and I have stayed faithful with girlfriends and intend to when I am married, but to make it a life and death matter is putting it into a different ballpark in terms of the crime/sin.

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^ Guess what? I am going to repeat what i said, and everybody that has a problem with it can bang their heads against a wall.

If you were to die today, in the state of cheating on your husband and committing adultery, you would probably go to hell.

Guess what you have to do to take yourself out of this status? Yes, that's right, exactly what i told you to do before: immediately remove yourself from the relationship you are in with the other man, and repent for it, and automatically, it isn't guaranteed that you are going to hell anymore.

Now everybody can attack me again :D Go for it!

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^ Guess what? I am going to repeat what i said, and everybody that has a problem with it can bang their heads against a wall.

If you were to die today, in the state of cheating on your husband and committing adultery, you would probably go to hell.

Guess what you have to do to take yourself out of this status? Yes, that's right, exactly what i told you to do before: immediately remove yourself from the relationship you are in with the other man, and repent for it, and automatically, it isn't guaranteed that you are going to hell anymore.

Now everybody can attack me again :D Go for it!

So whats the difference between the two????

Obviously you agree with the people criticizing you so whats the beef?

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^ No I don't agree with people criticizing.

And the difference is that according to Islam she is going to hell, but I am not Allah swt to say it for certain, thus i added the probably (i also did the last time i said it), where as the second means that like anybody else she may or may not go to hell.

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Guest Zahratul_Islam

^ Guess what? I am going to repeat what i said, and everybody that has a problem with it can bang their heads against a wall.

If you were to die today, in the state of cheating on your husband and committing adultery, you would probably go to hell.

Guess what you have to do to take yourself out of this status? Yes, that's right, exactly what i told you to do before: immediately remove yourself from the relationship you are in with the other man, and repent for it, and automatically, it isn't guaranteed that you are going to hell anymore.

Now everybody can attack me again :D Go for it!

Sigh.

There is no virtue in being wrong and arrogant simultaneously (something we are all guilty of at one time or another). Harassing this woman by posting the following on her wall "honey, if the imams were here you would probably be stoned and they wouldn't speak to you in words like I am" (nice to know you believe you are more merciful than the imams btw) isn't something to be proud of Batool. All it does is show that despite your completely misplaced confidence in your capacity as God's appointed on earth you lack a very basic understand of Islamic law and the burden of proof in the case of adultery.

People aren't attacking you because you are espousing the true word of God, they are either amused by your profound lack of knowledge on the matter or offended by your distasteful commentary. I happen to fall in the former category.

Edited by Zahratul_Islam

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^ Guess what? I am going to repeat what i said, and everybody that has a problem with it can bang their heads against a wall.

If you were to die today, in the state of cheating on your husband and committing adultery, you would probably go to hell.

Guess what you have to do to take yourself out of this status? Yes, that's right, exactly what i told you to do before: immediately remove yourself from the relationship you are in with the other man, and repent for it, and automatically, it isn't guaranteed that you are going to hell anymore.

Now everybody can attack me again :D Go for it!

Now you sound like an unruly and adamant teenie who refuses to listen to elders when admonished for bad behaviour. :dry:

No, Batoul this is not how it works. You can't take a transgression in isolation and pass verdict on the basis of it. You don't know too many things to say that. The point about sinful nature of adultery that you are making isn't rocket science anyway. We all know it. So it is better to focus on where the OP wants us to.

Arousing fear of eternal Hellfire isn't a useful way to persuade a person to refrain from sinning. It may be counter-productive. It is arguably the least effective of strategies around. Otherwise, only a few would sin. If the fear of being put in eternal gas chambers in the afterlife was enough, no one would cheat to begin with. The admission that the OP did [she has admitted to cheating not adultery, by the way] requires us to look beyond crude, damning and unaesthetic pronouncements.

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^ Guess what? I am going to repeat what i said, and everybody that has a problem with it can bang their heads against a wall.

You Go Girl!

There are people here who deliberately want to obfuscate, confuse, misguide and otherwise drive believers off the siratul mustaqeem. If you have to repeat what you say a million times - you go right ahead. IMHO.

Unlike some other religions Islam has clear red lines.

In order to cross them, especially something like illegal relations with people of the opposite gender, someone has to cross a number of other barriers on a pre-meditated basis, e.g. there is no such thing as 'friends' between men and women who are already married. There is clear guidance in terms of the limits on social contact etc. etc. all these boundaries have to be breached before you even get to the stage where someone can say they are in love on an illicit basis.

Again this marks out Islam from other belief systems, some of which appear to be comfortable with men/women being friends, having social contact etc., but then unrealistically appear to say that adultery is a sin (or nowadays 'not an ideal').

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Unlike some other religions Islam has clear red lines.

No one has disputed that as far as I can see.

Again this marks out Islam from other belief systems, some of which appear to be comfortable with men/women being friends, having social contact etc., but then unrealistically appear to say that adultery is a sin (or nowadays 'not an ideal').

Well the restrictions on social contact and staying in your own exclusive enclave are not so much due to Islam as they are due to culture and background. And transgressions occur whether you have Saudi Arabian style segregation laws of American style shameful mixing.

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Guest Zahratul_Islam

You Go Girl!

There are people here who deliberately want to obfuscate, confuse, misguide and otherwise drive believers off the siratul mustaqeem. If you have to repeat what you say a million times - you go right ahead. IMHO.

Unlike some other religions Islam has clear red lines.

In order to cross them, especially something like illegal relations with people of the opposite gender, someone has to cross a number of other barriers on a pre-meditated basis, e.g. there is no such thing as 'friends' between men and women who are already married. There is clear guidance in terms of the limits on social contact etc. etc. all these boundaries have to be breached before you even get to the stage where someone can say they are in love on an illicit basis.

Again this marks out Islam from other belief systems, some of which appear to be comfortable with men/women being friends, having social contact etc., but then unrealistically appear to say that adultery is a sin (or nowadays 'not an ideal').

Who was saying it is acceptable for her to continue this friendship or emotional attachment? It isn't :unsure: It is also not acceptable for someone to make pronouncements about whether or not someone would be stoned/go to hell when the CLEAR laws of Islam you keep referencing say that there are very specific requirements that need to be to be met (which were not) and evidence to be produced (again, not much of that going on either).

The problem is that you fail to understand the whole point of this thread (which is severely compromising the relevance of your posts to the topic at hand). We get that it is wrong, which is why she is asking for advice. It isn't the appropriate time for one of your otherwise endearing "beware the liberalization of Islam" rants. There will be plenty of time for you to unleash one of those whenever someone starts a thread about gender roles/authority :lol:

Edited by Zahratul_Islam

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tlady while i feel sorry for the position you are in, i think you need to be made aware of some points you seem to be missing.

(1) having such deep intimate emotional ties with a man who is not your husband, while you are still married, and have kids, is not right.

(2) you know it is not right

(3) we know it is not right

so then, why do you get so hurt when we TELL you we think it is not right?

and listen to hajji - hes a good guy. he might be harsh with you but to be honest i think you need a reality check.

im sorry to hear of the situation you are in, book a marriage councellor or a divorce lawyer immediately. one of the two. doing neither is just a cowardly way to act im afraid.

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It's unfortunate that people are confusing the effect (adultery) with the cause (domestic issues). If you solve the the cause of the problem, the core issues, being the abusive relationship and the lack of love with the husband, the effect, which has manifested itself as adultery, will automatically vanish. If the cause is not solved, the effect is certain to manifest itself again after some time, and maybe into something even greater.

A common example which quite adeptly illustrates this point is given by the 'Ulama of 'aqhlaq of a tree (the cause) and chirping birds (the effect). If you want to stop birds from landing on a tree and chirping away, you can cut off the branches, but after some time the branches will grow and the birds will come back and be a nuisance again. Instead, what you do is uproot the tree from its core,and remove it altogether, so there is no chance of the birds returning.

And this is a common issue many youth face, who, overflowing with hormones and passion (the cause), begin to commit sins (the effect). If the cause was dealt with then there would be no masturbating, fornication or any other sin which is manifested from this unfulfilled desire, hence one of the reasons why youth marriage is greatly emphasised by the A'imma [as]. And by this we see that the Imams would deal with things from the core issue, change the people from within, then the effects, the sins, would fall away in an instance.

And no, I am not justifying her actions, they are indeed filthy, however all I am saying is that if she is to repent out of compulsion, and make a pledge to Allah and herself to refrain from this action, then when she is with her husband and she is faced once again with her domestic issues and her female innate desire for love and affection is unfulfilled she will run back to that very action she told herself not to commit, because deep down nothing has changed and the effect, the sin, will resurface again!

Yes, will power and self control is needed undoubtedly, but this woman is on the verge of emotional implosion, in an extreme circumstance that has left her in a wreck and fragile. A mother, beaten by her own husband, outcast by family, denied affection and love. We need to admonish her with wisdom, not like one-dimensional robots. Only someone with strong and immense self control can stop nature from taking its predetermined route, and this is something even Prophet Yusuf prayed for when approached by the women of the town, when he asked Allah to put him in prison away from their plans.

Islam is a religion which promotes understanding, compassion, comprehensiveness, wisdom, forbearance, all traits which Allah has adorned Himself with, and these are traits which we see underline the lives of the A'imma [as], so why is it that these are almost non-existant in our own actions?

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A mother, beaten by her own husband, outcast by family, denied affection and love. We need to admonish her with wisdom, not like one-dimensional robots. Only someone with strong and immense self control can stop nature from taking its predetermined route,

Islam is a religion which promotes understanding, compassion, comprehensiveness, wisdom, forbearance, all traits which Allah has adorned Himself with, and these are traits which we see underline the lives of the A'imma [as], so why is it that these are almost non-existant in our own actions?

Good post Sadiq. This is what I and a couple other posters are trying to say all along but somehow it appears to some as legitimising or rationalising the sinful behaviour of the OP. Anyways...

To all:

There is a propensity among a few to look down upon imperfect sinners with disgust and resentment. If you dig this mindset deep, such robotic and damning reactions to sins and the sinners has its roots not only in the disappointment that results of knowing that a coreligionist of ours has in fact sinned and sinned majorly, but elsewhere. Dig it further and you will have some complaining about cheating/adulterous behaviour as a function of fading social values of the society, which, in turn, the mindset goes, is forced upon us by the cultural imperialism of the West. So in the last analysis, if a Muslim sins and sins so badly, it must be that they were too exposed to "non-conservative" lifestyle especially if they happen to live in the West. So, the real actualities that made the OP to falter morally aren't as significant [and hence overlooked] than her supposedly unIslamic interaction with other males, which, in turn, led her to the sin of cheating and possibly adultery.

This mindset, which derives its legitimacy from the absolutely absolute notions of sin and virtue, right or wrong, good or bad, black and white and etc is the mild version of the ubiquitous intolerance to 'the others', to 'the different' - regardless of whether their actions are undoubtedly unIslamic or not - has become the hallmark of Muslim societies in the East.

Just yesterday a student was killed in Peshawar university for playing music in his hostel room. What happened that a group of the goons of Islami Jamiat Tulaba [islamic Students Organisation] were passing by the room and their alarms begin to flash red at the sound of the 'Satanic' music being played in the room. They told the boy, to put it mildly, that "if he died today, while listening and enjoying to music, he is most probably going to hell". The argument turned into a fight. The boy was beaten to death by the "Islamic" goons.

Some may find my example an isolated and extreme case of intolerance. Yes, it in fact is an extreme case. But its theoretical development came from the same mindset which has been exhibited by some members in this thread and its counterpart in the same subforum.

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It's unfortunate that people are confusing the effect (adultery) with the cause (domestic issues). If you solve the the cause of the problem, the core issues, being the abusive relationship and the lack of love with the husband, the effect, which has manifested itself as adultery, will automatically vanish. If the cause is not solved, the effect is certain to manifest itself again after some time, and maybe into something even greater.

A common example which quite adeptly illustrates this point is given by the 'Ulama of 'aqhlaq of a tree (the cause) and chirping birds (the effect). If you want to stop birds from landing on a tree and chirping away, you can cut off the branches, but after some time the branches will grow and the birds will come back and be a nuisance again. Instead, what you do is uproot the tree from its core,and remove it altogether, so there is no chance of the birds returning.

And this is a common issue many youth face, who, overflowing with hormones and passion (the cause), begin to commit sins (the effect). If the cause was dealt with then there would be no masturbating, fornication or any other sin which is manifested from this unfulfilled desire, hence one of the reasons why youth marriage is greatly emphasised by the A'imma [as]. And by this we see that the Imams would deal with things from the core issue, change the people from within, then the effects, the sins, would fall away in an instance.

And no, I am not justifying her actions, they are indeed filthy, however all I am saying is that if she is to repent out of compulsion, and make a pledge to Allah and herself to refrain from this action, then when she is with her husband and she is faced once again with her domestic issues and her female innate desire for love and affection is unfulfilled she will run back to that very action she told herself not to commit, because deep down nothing has changed and the effect, the sin, will resurface again!

Yes, will power and self control is needed undoubtedly, but this woman is on the verge of emotional implosion, in an extreme circumstance that has left her in a wreck and fragile. A mother, beaten by her own husband, outcast by family, denied affection and love. We need to admonish her with wisdom, not like one-dimensional robots. Only someone with strong and immense self control can stop nature from taking its predetermined route, and this is something even Prophet Yusuf prayed for when approached by the women of the town, when he asked Allah to put him in prison away from their plans.

Islam is a religion which promotes understanding, compassion, comprehensiveness, wisdom, forbearance, all traits which Allah has adorned Himself with, and these are traits which we see underline the lives of the A'imma [as], so why is it that these are almost non-existant in our own actions?

Bro u stressed on a very important point.

Sister tlady came here for advice, some offered to her were:

1) Cut-off ties with teh other man

2)Try reconciliation with her husband again

3) Go to a councillor.

She's agreed to points .2 and .3, but she hasn't mentioned or stated if she's going to do point .1. (Off course its up to her)

You mentioned about the 'cause' and its importance of being uprooted, but I was thinking if her husband was entirely the cause to her extra marital affair.

The sister mentioned she was abused during the first 12 years of her 20yrs married life, but she's been having the affair in the past 4 years , thats significant number of years after the incidents. So is her Husband's behaviour the only and teh main 'cause' of her relation with the other man.

Likewise, if teh relations with teh other man aren't cut-off her problem is obviously never going to go away, since shaitan always lures, but 'four years' is a VERY long time. It just takes 21 days for a person to adopt a new habit or change it apparently, but if something illegitimate as this has gone on not once, twice or thrice but for 4 years then I can understand why sis tlady will be reluctant to consider point .1.

Wallahu alam.

Just some questions that arise in my mind, plz sis tlady, you are anonymous, if u care to address these or not, but if u do i'd appreciate it, your situation is an example to us all.

1) Why do you think your husband abused you at the tender age of 18, how old was he?

2) Is teh other man a relative, how did you get in contact with him?

3) What is his perception of your situation and is he prepared to let you go back to your husband and family life?

4) Why did you re-consider all of this after 4 years?

May Allah keep the lures of shaitan away from us all, give us the ability to distinguish between right and wrong and may Allah make us walk on the footsteps of teh Ahlulbayt (as) at all times, ba haqe Muhammad (saw) wa Alay Muhammad (saw).

Edited by Malek-e-Ashtar

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Who was saying it is acceptable for her to continue this friendship or emotional attachment? It isn't :unsure: It is also not acceptable for someone to make pronouncements about whether or not someone would be stoned/go to hell when the CLEAR laws of Islam you keep referencing say that there are very specific requirements that need to be to be met (which were not) and evidence to be produced (again, not much of that going on either).

The problem is that you fail to understand the whole point of this thread (which is severely compromising the relevance of your posts to the topic at hand). We get that it is wrong, which is why she is asking for advice. It isn't the appropriate time for one of your otherwise endearing "beware the liberalization of Islam" rants. There will be plenty of time for you to unleash one of those whenever someone starts a thread about gender roles/authority :lol:

Actually the 4 witness rule only applies if somebody wants to accuse somebody else of committing adultery. If somebody comes and admits to it, that is all that is needed for the Islamic punishment to be implemented, and thus when I say if she came to the Imams and told them she was committing adultery, she would be stoned it's because it is wajib on them to implement Islamic sharia. And no I didn't mean that I am more merciful than the imams, I was trying to outline that my words that she finds so harsh are nothing in comparison to what the Imams that she thinks would be so embracing and forgiving would be. Why? Because I am not allowed to implement Islamic Sharia even if i wanted to, so i can merely use words of warning, whereas the imams have an obligation to do the former.

As for going to hell, Islam states if one dies while they are at the time in an adulterous relationship then they are going to hell. Its clear cut, very straight forward.

So if my stating the facts of Islam makes her feel "hopeless" why didn't she just read what I actually said, which was in itself a plan to get out of her situation and thus, there was hope.

I'm sorry you guys, I do understand your points about kindness and walking her through it, etc, but i simply can't agree in this situation, because if she doesn't understand the hugeness of her sin she wont ever stop committing it. Feeling guilty obviously isn't enough for her, since she has carried on with the relationship for 4 years with her guilt. What makes anybody think if her marriage gets back on track, the moment something else goes wrong she isn't going to go back into this type of relationship, most likely with the same guy she is with now?

She might feel guilty about it, but guilt obviously isn't what she needs. She needs fear of Allah swt. She needs to be reminded what it means to be committing adultery, what implications, something to get her to stop doing it and not go back to it, even before her marriage problems are over. She needs to understand that this sin is so huge if she died with it she would go hell and if shariah punishment were to be implemented she would be stoned for it. It isn't something to feel guilty over, like lying, but something to repent for and get out of the situation of immediately.

We won't agree about this, as usual :P but I hope you can at least somewhat understand my point of view, because I do understand yours.

Wasalam.

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Bro u stressed on a very important point.

Sister tlady came here for advice, some offered to her were:

1) Cut-off ties with teh other man

2)Try reconciliation with her husband again

3) Go to a councillor.

She's agreed to points .2 and .3, but she hasn't mentioned or stated if she's going to do point .1. (Off course its up to her)

You mentioned about the 'cause' and its importance of being uprooted, but I was thinking if her husband was entirely the cause to her extra marital affair.

The sister mentioned she was abused during the first 12 years of her 20yrs married life, but she's been having the affair in the past 4 years , thats significant number of years after the incidents. So is her Husband's behaviour the only and teh main 'cause' of her relation with the other man.

Likewise, if teh relations with teh other man aren't cut-off her problem is obviously never going to go away, since shaitan always lures, but 'four years' is a VERY long time. It just takes 21 days for a person to adopt a new habit or change it apparently, but if something illegitimate as this has gone on not once, twice or thrice but for 4 years then I can understand why sis tlady will be reluctant to consider point .1.

Wallahu alam.

Just some questions that arise in my mind, plz sis tlady, you are anonymous, if u care to address these or not, but if u do i'd appreciate it, your situation is an example to us all.

1) Why do you think your husband abused you at the tender age of 18, how old was he?

2) Is teh other man a relative, how did you get in contact with him?

3) What is his perception of your situation and is he prepared to let you go back to your husband and family life?

4) Why did you re-consider all of this after 4 years?

May Allah keep the lures of shaitan away from us all, give us the ability to distinguish between right and wrong and may Allah make us walk on the footsteps of teh Ahlulbayt (as) at all times, ba haqe Muhammad (saw) wa Alay Muhammad (saw).

it was arranged when i was 16,,,, he had a bad temper which i was never told about and found out later that even his parents could not control it....the other man is not a relative, but in the medical field and helped many members of my family, including my sick parents (which is why i kept them in the dark about most of my life)..... the other man told me i could do better but understands i have children and that I NEVER meant to start having emotions..... i did not reconsider this after 4 yrs!!!....i had no one to talk to...this is not some romantic love scene from any movie...which is what ppl seem to think or perceive.... i tried to ask about counseling yrs ago but he blew up (arrogance i guess)...never bothered asking again...protect my kids from everything...i mean EVERYTHING!!!!

Batool does not know me, the entire situation, my limitations, my ability to understand right and wrong!!! SHE HAS NO IDEA!! I think she is juvenile in addressing this particular situation.

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it was arranged when i was 16,,,, he had a bad temper which i was never told about and found out later that even his parents could not control it....the other man is not a relative, but in the medical field and helped many members of my family, including my sick parents (which is why i kept them in the dark about most of my life)..... the other man told me i could do better but understands i have children and that I NEVER meant to start having emotions..... i did not reconsider this after 4 yrs!!!....i had no one to talk to...this is not some romantic love scene from any movie...which is what ppl seem to think or perceive.... i tried to ask about counseling yrs ago but he blew up (arrogance i guess)...never bothered asking again...protect my kids from everything...i mean EVERYTHING!!!!

Batool does not know me, the entire situation, my limitations, my ability to understand right and wrong!!! SHE HAS NO IDEA!! I think she is juvenile in addressing this particular situation.

Sister, has your relationship with this man been physical?

And if your husband is not willing to listen to your concerns, how about you get someone to mediate between you two?

I understand your concern is entirely for your kids, but do you realise that the later you sort this out the worse things can get?

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it was arranged when i was 16,,,, he had a bad temper which i was never told about and found out later that even his parents could not control it....the other man is not a relative, but in the medical field and helped many members of my family, including my sick parents (which is why i kept them in the dark about most of my life)..... the other man told me i could do better but understands i have children and that I NEVER meant to start having emotions..... i did not reconsider this after 4 yrs!!!....i had no one to talk to...this is not some romantic love scene from any movie...which is what ppl seem to think or perceive.... i tried to ask about counseling yrs ago but he blew up (arrogance i guess)...never bothered asking again...protect my kids from everything...i mean EVERYTHING!!!!

Batool does not know me, the entire situation, my limitations, my ability to understand right and wrong!!! SHE HAS NO IDEA!! I think she is juvenile in addressing this particular situation.

Salam

Thanks a lot for answering my questions.

Sister, why don't you just cut-off your relationship with this man, stay away from him. Are sexual needs that important? can you not find that love and affection with your kids.

Why trouble your mind so much, keep it fresh, try to avoid such feelings and thoughts and simply concentrate on your kids and their well-being.

Start working, oh pick up an activity and stay busy. Promise yourself you'll never see, meet or speak to that man. He is a non-mehram! Speak to Allah after your prayers, he's musabib-ul-asbaab, he'll find a way for you inshallah, just think of Bibi Fatima (s.a.), no lady has suffered as much hardship as her, think of Prophet Yousuf (as) and his patience from such situations, think of Bibi Maryam, pray as much as you can, inshallah you'll see change and improvememt in your situation because Allah is oft-giving!

Good luck!

duas for you!

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Sister, has your relationship with this man been physical?

For the love of Jesus (a.s.). Don't you get it? After all that has been explained so far (by Batoul and macisaac). At least there is what remains of a veil of ambiguity. You now want this person to condemn themselves even more than they have already. Sheesh.

Batool does not know me, the entire situation, my limitations, my ability to understand right and wrong!!! SHE HAS NO IDEA!! I think she is juvenile in addressing this particular situation.

She's done the best anyone could within the limitations of a BB. As has been mentioned on a number of occasions, if you want proper help see a counsellor.

Edited by Haji 2003

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(salam)

As much as everyone's said to the lady: that her relationship with the other man is haram - I think she gets the point already. It was necessary upon the people to point out that mistake of hers and to tell her to stop it. However, the only problem I have is with the bold statement: probably go to hell. We have no right to say that, based upon one initial post of a person when we have no clue what other deeds she has done in the few decades of her life. For that, I want to share this story about a guy whom people thought would probably go to hell as well.

Sheikh Bahai, one of the leading Muslim theologians, records in Vo. 5 of his book called "Kashkul" that
a reputed sinner
happened to die in the suburb of Basra, Iraq, and his widow did her best to obtain the assistance of the villagers to wash, shroud and bury his body according to Muslim rites but none of them, because of the deceased's notoriety, could be persuaded to co-operate. As a last recourse, she had the deceased's body removed by porters to a place where the Muslims usually assembled for their prayers in the hope that some of the congregation might recite the funeral prayer on the dead body
but no one took any notice of the body.
She then got the porters to remove the corpse to a desert and accompanied the body with the intention of getting a grave dug and bury it without ablution, shrouds or funeral prayers. On reaching the desert, she was surprised to see an aged devout worshiper, who lived in a cave near by to spend the rest of his life in devotion and worship of
Allah
, waiting to receive the corpse. The devout worshiper took over the corpse, washed and shrouded it and dispatched a courier to the villagers in the vicinity that he was going to recite the funeral prayer on the body. When the villagers and the people in the city of Basra got this news, a crowd of them assembled in the desert and inquired from the venerable worshiper, who was held in high esteem for his piety and asceticism, as to what prompted him, to leave the place of his worship and attend to the funeral rites of a reputed wretch. He replied that he had seen a vision commanding him to attend to the funeral rites of the deceased who, he said, was described in the vision as "a; repentant person whom
Allah
had forgiven and had assigned to him a place in the vicinity of His Mercy." The crowd being astonished to hear of this vision, asked the deceased's widow if he had any virtues to deserve a place in the Divine Mercy. She said that so far as she knew,
her husband was addicted to drinking and gay life
but he did possess three peculiar qualities. Firstly, when he woke up at day break, he used to perform an absolute ablution of his body, dress in pure garments and say his morning prayers. Secondly, never a day passed without him doing some kindness to orphans. It was his habit to refuse taking his meals unless two or three orphans joined him and he used to treat orphans more kindly than his own children. Thirdly, if he happened to wake up in the middle of the night, he used to weep and pray "My Lord! Is it possible for my body to be so enlarged as to fill up the entire pit of hell so that there would be no room in it for any one else; my Master! I shall endure Thy hell fire but I shall not be able to endure to see the sufferings of Thine other creatures." When the crowd heard this talk of the widow, they all -including the devout worshiper wept and said-"Indeed, we are fortunate to be able to join the funeral prayer of such a patron of orphans and tender hearted person." They then all joined in the funeral prayer and buried the body with respect and dignity. (Anisul Lail).

http://www.al-islam.org/kumayl/english.htm

I believe we have absolutely no level of information about this lady here through which we can even begin to assume that she will "probably go to hell". We are in no position to say such a thing. The ahadith are there to let you know the severity of the sin and that the punishment is hell - but it does not give us the right to make judgments and assumptions about a person, particularly when we know absolutely nothing about their life. A post on ShiaChat does not constitute as knowing about their life - perhaps she had repented a few minutes before she made that post, who knows. We don't have to investigate and neither do we need to act as if she needs to openly repent for that specific sin by making a post on ShiaChat. She can do that on her prayer mat. If you have told her that what she is doing is haram, then you have done your job.

Wassalam

Edited by Aal-e-Imran

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(salam)

This woman has said she was abused for years starting at the age of 16; that is still a child in our mental (and for most – physical) development. Because of this, her view of herself and what she can expect from her environment will have been severely altered from that of the most of us clear thinking armchair accusers. It also sounds like her backup system (extended family) was not approachable or did not want to intervene. I think if your 16 year old daughter or sister is being beaten – you would know it. So would the doctor, her neighbors, etc.

The idea of accessing help outside the family is totally foreign in a lot of cultures – and why would you trust a stranger when you cannot trust those closest to you? Unless you have lived her life and been tested with the same tests – you cannot judge her. Allah is all knowing and merciful for many reasons – and this one of them.

Yes, she is no longer being physically abused, but even though physical and emotional wounds heal, scar tissue is left, and scar tissue has no feeling. It sounds as though she is trying, in vain, to regain the feeling through the scar tissue – perhaps to get some normalcy in her life…to actually live what she has been pretending all these years.

Just because the physical battery has ended, the pain has not and the ability to think rationally and coherently is impaired. Feelings of inadequacy, confusion, and continual uncertainty remain. Maybe this other man made her feel validated and sane when all around her was telling her the opposite. I am not condoning her actions – but she is human and deserving of care. In her desperation, she ended up compounding the problem by possibly engaging in a major sin. And what about this man – why didn’t he be the stronger one and redirect her need to an appropriate resource – he was in the medical field after all...but yet he chose to help her falter further…meeting his own convoluted needs.

Instead of piously picking up stones, perhaps we should be examining our own sins. We are a community that complicity failed a Shia sister in need. We absolutely know this goes on in our community, especially with young married girls – but although we are hesitant to openly acknowledge it, we have no qualms about condemning the results.

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(salam)

This woman has said she was abused for years starting at the age of 16; that is still a child in our mental (and for most – physical) development. Because of this, her view of herself and what she can expect from her environment will have been severely altered from that of the most of us clear thinking armchair accusers. It also sounds like her backup system (extended family) was not approachable or did not want to intervene. I think if your 16 year old daughter or sister is being beaten – you would know it. So would the doctor, her neighbors, etc.

The idea of accessing help outside the family is totally foreign in a lot of cultures – and why would you trust a stranger when you cannot trust those closest to you? Unless you have lived her life and been tested with the same tests – you cannot judge her. Allah is all knowing and merciful for many reasons – and this one of them.

Yes, she is no longer being physically abused, but even though physical and emotional wounds heal, scar tissue is left, and scar tissue has no feeling. It sounds as though she is trying, in vain, to regain the feeling through the scar tissue – perhaps to get some normalcy in her life…to actually live what she has been pretending all these years.

Just because the physical battery has ended, the pain has not and the ability to think rationally and coherently is impaired. Feelings of inadequacy, confusion, and continual uncertainty remain. Maybe this other man made her feel validated and sane when all around her was telling her the opposite. I am not condoning her actions – but she is human and deserving of care. In her desperation, she ended up compounding the problem by possibly engaging in a major sin. And what about this man – why didn’t he be the stronger one and redirect her need to an appropriate resource – he was in the medical field after all...but yet he chose to help her falter further…meeting his own convoluted needs.

Instead of piously picking up stones, perhaps we should be examining our own sins. We are a community that complicity failed a Shia sister in need. We absolutely know this goes on in our community, especially with young married girls – but although we are hesitant to openly acknowledge it, we have no qualms about condemning the results.

No Maryaam, if you try to understand the possible reasons for her behaviour, and as long as you don't tell her that she is 'probably going to hell', you are condoning her actions or so the mindset goes. You are right, it is not individual behaviour. It is a community wide problem which gets reflected on SC whenever a thread with an issue of such nature comes up.

Thanks for mitigating the suffocating effects of nonsense with your wise words. This thread needed a psychologist who couldthink beyond damning and cursing.

Edited by Marbles

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Guest Zahratul_Islam

Actually the 4 witness rule only applies if somebody wants to accuse somebody else of committing adultery. If somebody comes and admits to it, that is all that is needed for the Islamic punishment to be implemented, and thus when I say if she came to the Imams and told them she was committing adultery, she would be stoned it's because it is wajib on them to implement Islamic sharia. And no I didn't mean that I am more merciful than the imams, I was trying to outline that my words that she finds so harsh are nothing in comparison to what the Imams that she thinks would be so embracing and forgiving would be. Why? Because I am not allowed to implement Islamic Sharia even if i wanted to, so i can merely use words of warning, whereas the imams have an obligation to do the former.

But in this instance you are accusing her of committing adultery when she had not admitted this crime herself. So unless you have 4 witnesses who saw actual penetration and are willing to testify to that- you should refrain from saying the Imams would have her stoned. She never disclosed that type of relationship to us and it isn't your place or mine to make assumptions and condemn her.

Again Haji is off on a tangent, stating that she "obviously won't condemn herself." Fine. Maybe people are not always honest with themselves or others online. Maybe we are all lying about something or another in order to make ourselves appear more favorable (I know I have been guilty of doing that in my life).

However online one must deal with things on a face value basis and stop assuming that this woman has done anything more than has been disclosed to us or the discussion is futile because not a single one of us is omniscient (making it all the less sensible for you to play God). How do I know you and Haji are not both self righteous hypocrites? I don't. I can assume- but I don't know this for a fact so I can't make that claim. Get it?

As for going to hell, Islam states if one dies while they are at the time in an adulterous relationship then they are going to hell. Its clear cut, very straight forward.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe (most likely) God is a little more thoughtful than you and that perhaps what you say on the matter of eternal damnation is irrelevant. Primary indicator is that you keep referencing adultery and making unsubstantiated claims.. which (when coupled with your fallibility) makes me question your credibility on the matter.

So if my stating the facts of Islam makes her feel "hopeless" why didn't she just read what I actually said, which was in itself a plan to get out of her situation and thus, there was hope.

there are only so many ways to translate "honey the imams would have you stoned."

I'm sorry you guys, I do understand your points about kindness and walking her through it, etc, but i simply can't agree in this situation, because if she doesn't understand the hugeness of her sin she wont ever stop committing it. Feeling guilty obviously isn't enough for her, since she has carried on with the relationship for 4 years with her guilt. What makes anybody think if her marriage gets back on track, the moment something else goes wrong she isn't going to go back into this type of relationship, most likely with the same guy she is with now?

She might feel guilty about it, but guilt obviously isn't what she needs. She needs fear of Allah swt. She needs to be reminded what it means to be committing adultery, what implications, something to get her to stop doing it and not go back to it, even before her marriage problems are over. She needs to understand that this sin is so huge if she died with it she would go hell and if shariah punishment were to be implemented she would be stoned for it. It isn't something to feel guilty over, like lying, but something to repent for and get out of the situation of immediately.

We won't agree about this, as usual :P but I hope you can at least somewhat understand my point of view, because I do understand yours.

Wasalam.

I feel like Maryaam and others have addressed this nonsense about scaring an abused, guilt racked woman and how other methods might be a tad more fruitful.

It has become increasingly obvious that certain people on this thread are less concerned with the well being of this woman and more concerned with being willfully, proudly ignorant and defiant. An example? A charming exclamation of "You go girl!" made by a moderator after you once again (still without any evidence or show of thoughtfulness) condemned a woman to hell.

Edited by Zahratul_Islam

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But in this instance you are accusing her of committing adultery when she had not admitted this crime herself. So unless you have 4 witnesses who saw actual penetration and are willing to testify to that- you should refrain from saying the Imams would have her stoned. She never disclosed that type of relationship to us and it isn't your place or mine to make assumptions and condemn her.

In this thread she never said "I have committed adultery" but if you are going to say that i am assuming this based on nothing, then here you are wrong. I was following her conversations (or rather attacks) against members who wrote on this topic a few days ago and on one of their walls she wrote about her physical relationship, admitting it but not stating it.

So I think in that she hasn't explicitly stated she has committed adultery you are right here. And so none of the shariah punishments (had they been eligible to be implemented) would be implemented unless she stated it clearly, 4 times.

So I am going to take back the "fact" that she would be stoned, and just state that, had she gone to the imams and told them she was committing adultery she would be stoned. That is fact, nobody can disagree, but whether or not she is committing adultery, she only knows.

so tlady, if you are, then if you went to the Prophet or Aimmah and admit it, they wouldn't speak to you in words like i did, they would order you be stoned.

If you aren't committing adultery, and just engaging in an emotional relationship then your position in front of Allah swt is a lot less severe, and insha'Allah it will be easier for you to get out of the haram situation and repent.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe (most likely) God is a little more thoughtful than you and that perhaps what you say on the matter of eternal damnation is irrelevant. Primary indicator is that you keep referencing adultery and making unsubstantiated claims.. which (when coupled with your fallibility) makes me question your credibility on the matter.

I don't really get what you are saying here. I haven't made up any punishments or rules, i have merely stated what Allah swt has stated in the Quran and what the prophet SAWW has stated.

there are only so many ways to translate "honey the imams would have you stoned."

Actually i was referring to my original post on this thread. You can go back and read it and see what i meant by the statement that you quoted here. Also, you people think its okay for her to go on peoples walls and attack them simply because they didn't give her the reply she was looking for, THEN you go and copy what we replied to her attacks and make them look like evil negative comments.

I feel like Maryaam and others have addressed this nonsense about scaring an abused, guilt racked woman and how other methods might be a tad more fruitful.

It has become increasingly obvious that certain people on this thread are less concerned with the well being of this woman and more concerned with being willfully, proudly ignorant and defiant. An example? A charming exclamation of "You go girl!" made by a moderator after you once again (still without any evidence or show of thoughtfulness) condemned a woman to hell.

Hmm I recall saying I understand the circumstances that led to her being in the situation she is in, but what is the point in sitting here condemning her husbands behavior when he hasn't abused her for more than 4 years, and she began cheating on him after he stopped? I would never deny that marital abuse is a horrible, very haram phenomenon, tragic and heartbreaking and nobody should ever have to live in that situation, but when she comes on here saying her husband is good now, but she doesn't feel any feelings for him, wants to, but has been cheating on him for 4 years, i hardly think the abuse is the major topic.

You want to disagree, go ahead. But all your advice to her and she hasn't once stated that she has any intention of leaving this other man. Why? Because nobody is giving it enough importance, its secondary to trying to tend to her wounds.

I have stated my opinions several times and defended them, I have given her advice, and I think my obligation in this thread is now over. So take from what I said what you want and discard what you want, I am satisfied that I have done the best I can do.

Wasalam all. :)

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but when she comes on here saying her husband is good now, but she doesn't feel any feelings for him, wants to, but has been cheating on him for 4 years, i hardly think the abuse is the major topic.

You want to disagree, go ahead. But all your advice to her and she hasn't once stated that she has any intention of leaving this other man. Why? Because nobody is giving it enough importance, its secondary to trying to tend to her wounds.

Wear these, they are for short-sighted people:

spectacles.jpg

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Hmm I recall saying I understand the circumstances that led to her being in the situation she is in, but what is the point in sitting here condemning her husbands behavior when he hasn't abused her for more than 4 years, and she began cheating on him after he stopped? I would never deny that marital abuse is a horrible, very haram phenomenon, tragic and heartbreaking and nobody should ever have to live in that situation, but when she comes on here saying her husband is good now, but she doesn't feel any feelings for him, wants to, but has been cheating on him for 4 years, i hardly think the abuse is the major topic.

Dear young sister. Please get some insight into the psychology of human behaviour. Your crude method of simplification and reduction of vast behavioural complexities into 1+1 = 2 sort of easy currency isn't going to pay off in the least bit. Of course your interpretation of the actuality and its consequences makes an easy reading of the case but I do sincerely wish it was that simple. You have unwittingly reduced your response to the whole problem of the OP to the reactionary outrage at her alleged adultery [which she never claimed to have committed anyway] and dismissed everything else as trivial. Mashallah!

I am satisfied that I have done the best I can do.

If that was the best, I wonder what would be the worst. Sister, you are making less and less sense as this discussion progresses or rather regresses?. Some posters have repeatedly pointed out the discrepancy in your deployed approach, approach which has little to do with Islam itself, but the few Christmases that you have spent on planet earth are too few to enable you to see beyond a few hadiths that you have read in some second rate Islamic book.

Edited by Marbles

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(salam)

^ O yaar tu kon sa kam hai. Achi khaasi discussion khatam ho gayee thi, us nai kaha bhi hai "So take from what I said what you want and discard what you want," , aur tu nai dubara jawab dai diya us ko. Bachi ki jaan lai ga kya bhai! Khatam ho gayee hai baat, chor dai ab! :wacko: Asli topic pai baat kero -_-. Tum logon' nai to tlady kai thread ka satyanaas ker diya hai - asli abuse to yahan ho rahi hai @)

Wassalam

Edited by Aal-e-Imran

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lmao despite the fact that I backed tlady when it came to people condemning her to hell, I bet most sisters wouldnt be so understanding and compassionate if it were a guy who was abused in a relationship and started cheating on his wife................................. all hell would break lose here..

: O where is my jharroo, marduud kaminay cheater saadqay jawan.... abused huwi teri saass

i can transform ya, i can transform yaaa

jewls got it

carss got it

transform yaa

i can i can i can

transform yaaa

nything you want gurl i can get it for yaaa

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(salam),

tlady, did you commit adultery or not? Stop sending vague messages and running around the subject then complaining when people misunderstand you.

IF YOU DID DO such a crime, then you are to blame and you are the problem.

Is she also to blame for the years of domestic abuse, emotional torture and lack of compassion which she suffered at the hands of her husband PRIOR to ever doing the 'alleged' crime? If a person is pushed to the point of destruction by those they love it is not surprising to see what they will end up doing.

To say that the entire problem rests upon her shoulders couldn't be further from the truth.

Edited by Sadiq M...

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Is she also to blame for the years of domestic abuse, emotional torture and lack of compassion which she suffered at the hands of her husband PRIOR to ever doing the 'alleged' crime?

(salam),

Bro first let me clarify. Im not alleging anything. That's why i made sure to put 'IF YOU DID DO' in block letters because so far she hasn't explicitly said anything but I can see how some people may misunderstand her statements to believe that she has. That's why I am asking her explicitly to state whether she has or not because part of the solution would lie in that answer imo.

Khair, she definitely is not to be blamed for all the abuse. That is the fault of the husband. However in her posts, she does state that she loves her husband, he's a great father, she loves being a friend to him and that it has been 4 years since he abused her. I can definitely understand the scars that may have been left due to the abuse she experienced in her tender years but IF (<-- I bolded it for people with weaker eye sight) she commited adultery during her marriage then she has done one of the greater sins which cannot be justified by any story.

I do acknowledge that her husband's behaviour towards her could have triggered her to do what she did IF she did it but that's no excuse.

She came to these boards to seek help and her main issue was that she does not feel sexually attracted to her husband. Her being emotionally involved with someone else and having found love elsewhere could be the answer to why she doesn't feel physical attraction towards her husband yet alone a physical relationship IF that occured.

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