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tlady

[Closed/Review]I Am Not Sexually Attracted To My Husban

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Oh please Batoul, it isn't your prerogative to throw a decision on someone's destiny in the Hereafter. Your advice is spot on but you have ruined it with the highlighted line.

I have had the following comments put on my profile page by the OP, since the profile pages are in the public domain, I'll put an extract here, since it's relevant to the above point:

This is why so many are converting to Islam-yes- but once they here that there is no hope- THEY RUN!!!! I cried so much yesterday after reading the last few responses... and realized that is was a mistake to come here!! I will let my other friends know as well to be very careful. We are supposed to bring people up, not kick them down when they are lost and hurt!!!! I hope Allah forgives you, because right now you have hurt me!!!

Well I don't know what the OP was expecting quite frankly. She comes onto an Islam focused website and tells everyone that she has an 'emotional relationship' with someone who is not her husband. AIUI Islam does not work in the same way as some more liberal forms of Christianity. People on the latter type of board may well have taken a more accepting view. I don't think Islam does and I don't think it should.

This is the reason why.

When any wrong behaviour is made public there is the risk of 'normalising' it, i.e. making it acceptable (e.g. given the circumstances). AIUI this is not on in an Islamic sense. Now the people condemning such behaviour are NOT claiming that they themselves are sin free! I believe that putting an unIslamic behaviour within a context that may make it seem acceptable, is extremely corrosive and should be stamped on wherever it arises.

The last thing we want to do is give people reading this website the impression that if they do something wrong, others will be 'understanding', based on the circumstances.

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You have stated repeatedly, and for some reason the posters haven't noticed that you have been cheating on your husband for 4 years now. Although i understand the circumstances that led you to where you are, this in no way, NO way justifies what you are doing and it is 100% wrong and needs to end immediately. I don't understand how you can ever hope to fall in love with your husband again when you are in love with another man? And if he ever finds out about what you are doing then your relationship is most likely going to be over anyway. So my advice, you need to stop your relationship with this other man immediately. Adultery is one of the greatest sins, if you died today you would most likely go to hell.

End the relationship immediately or you will not advance or change your situation. That is my advice.

Wasalam.

THE ANSWER to your question lies in here. If your affection has strayed to another man with whom you are in an illicit intimate relationship, how can you expect to feel intimate with your husband at the same time? No wonder you are repelled by him. If he is half clued up about women, he would KNOW for a fact that you are cheating on him. THAT is one red flag men should watch out for. A loss of interest in having sex by either partner, especially by a woman with her husband, is a loud and clear indication that she has found love elsewhere.

In an Islamic country with Islamic law, this admission in front of four male just (adil) witnesses would get you the penalty of death by stoning. Adultery is no chit chat matter as it has become in the West. Do your penance, dump this romeo yesterday, pray to your God for forgiveness and try and make up to your husband if you can. In your case it seems that he should own up a fair responsibility himself for having driven you away by his abusive conduct. So, there exists a mitigating circumstance for you to an extent. But still, adultery wasn't the answer.

When any wrong behaviour is made public there is the risk of 'normalising' it, i.e. making it acceptable (e.g. given the circumstances). AIUI this is not on in an Islamic sense. Now the people condemning such behaviour are NOT claiming that they themselves are sin free! I believe that putting an unIslamic behaviour within a context that may make it seem acceptable, is extremely corrosive and should be stamped on wherever it arises.

The last thing we want to do is give people reading this website the impression that if they do something wrong, others will be 'understanding', based on the circumstances.

There is a clear hadith that says something to the affect: "Do not publicise your sins/transgressions'. Maybe someone can quote the original Arabic version of that.

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When I read this:

I have found love elsewhere after a long time and it was not planned and want to throw up from guilt!! This other person has been by my side for almost 4 yrs, but I am more religious thatn he is... I never EVER want to hurt my husband, thats not who i am!!!!

I assumed the lady was talking euphemistically. This second dude who's been dishing out the love for four years and not expecting anything more physical in the meantime must have the patience of a saint.

Well, there is something called platonic love. However, even that is not legit for a married (Muslim) woman. By the sounds of things, and this is just speculation pending a proper cross examination of the damsel in distress, she 'has found love elsewhere'. That usually translates as intimacy. And as pointed out, not many in the male species would invest four years without seeing some action.

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Salaam alaykum sister,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation - it seems you have been hurting for a long time and mistakes have been made on all sides, and now you're desperately looking for a way out to make things better. Because of your husband's abuse, he has hurt you a great deal - and the emotional damage from abuse is often far worse than the physical damage. Of course you can't be intimate with him if you have such huge walls of pain between you. For women, emotional security is essential in order to desire intimacy, so it is no surprise that being intimate is so difficult for you.

You've said that he is a good father, and that you still want to reconcile with him. You've also said that he is not abusive toward you anymore, is that correct? Is it something he's just stopped doing for a while, or has he actually apologized for his behavior and declared that he would stop the abuse? There's a big difference between the two. Abusers typically work in two stages: an abusive stage and a peaceful stage. If they were abusive nonstop, they know that their partner would never stay. When they cycle into being abusive, the partner often stays and puts up with it, holding on to the fact that the abuser can be so kind and loving, hoping he'll go back to that. And he will go back to being peaceful when he realizes their partner has reached a breaking point and is about to leave - they'll cycle back to being nice in order to get them to stay and forgive them for everything they've done. This is why so many countless women stay with an abusive partner - they get hooked into the cycle and often don't see the big picture of what is really happening.

So, you need to determine whether his abuse has stopped because he has decided to actually change, or if he's simply in a peaceful stage and could cycle back into being abusive at any point.

If he has actually decided to change, then reconciliation is the best. As God says in the Quran, if a husband and wife desire reconciliation, then God will grant that to them.

However, in order to reconcile and to solve the issue between you and your husband, you need to:

1. End the relationship with the other person. Emotional cheating (for women) is more dangerous because it's very difficult for women to be emotionally involved with more than one person. So, the woman usually ends up withdrawing from her partner and focusing all her energy and emotions on the other person. If you want to reconcile with your husband, it will be impossible to work through all the damage and pain when your heart is elsewhere. In order to get your emotions back and invested in your husband, you must completely get rid of all distractions. You have to end it and cut all ties with the other person.

2. You need to go to marriage counseling. Whether it be with an actual therapist or with an imam at a local mosque, you and your husband need professional help to be able to put back the pieces of your relationship. Your faith, trust, and love for him were all shattered when he was abusing you, and the road to recovery is a long one that needs his full support. If he desires reconciliation with you and wants a healthy, loving relationship, he has to take action in order to fix what he has destroyed.

Your issues with intimacy, in my opinion, are caused by two things: the past abuse (if things aren't right in a relationship and the woman doesn't feel safe or has been hurt - emotionally or physically - by her husband, intimacy is nearly impossible and she often loses her attraction to her partner), and your emotional dependence on someone else. If your emotions are invested elsewhere, you won't be able to give anything to your husband.

I pray that God will give you the strength and guidance to choose the right path and take the right steps. If you'd like to talk to me about it further, please feel free to do so.

Fi aman Allah-

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1. End the relationship with the other person.  Emotional cheating (for women) is more dangerous because it's very difficult for women to be emotionally involved with more than one person.  So, the woman usually ends up withdrawing from her partner and focusing all her energy and emotions on the other person.  If you want to reconcile with your husband, it will be impossible to work through all the damage and pain when your heart is elsewhere.  In order to get your emotions back and invested in your husband, you must completely get rid of all distractions.  You have to end it and cut all ties with the other person.  

2.  You need to go to marriage counseling.  Whether it be with an actual therapist or with an imam at a local mosque, you and your husband need professional help to be able to put back the pieces of your relationship.  Your faith, trust, and love for him were all shattered when he was abusing you, and the road to recovery is a long one that needs his full support.  If he desires reconciliation with you and wants a healthy, loving relationship, he has to take action in order to fix what he has destroyed.  

excellent advice, the whole post.   i would like to state, as a man, that your (Tlady) husband does not want to know about your relationship with the other man.  you need to move away from your friend, no doubt, and repent for anything you may need repentance for, but don't think 'getting it all out in the open' (about this particular issue; the abuse is a different story) in order to re-build the relationship is what you have to do.  if your husband finds out, your relationship will be ruined forever even if you reconcile.  God knows and your issue is with Him.   anyway, i suppose that is obvious, just my 2 cents.  

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Salaam alaykum sister,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation - it seems you have been hurting for a long time and mistakes have been made on all sides, and now you're desperately looking for a way out to make things better. Because of your husband's abuse, he has hurt you a great deal - and the emotional damage from abuse is often far worse than the physical damage. Of course you can't be intimate with him if you have such huge walls of pain between you. For women, emotional security is essential in order to desire intimacy, so it is no surprise that being intimate is so difficult for you.

You've said that he is a good father, and that you still want to reconcile with him. You've also said that he is not abusive toward you anymore, is that correct? Is it something he's just stopped doing for a while, or has he actually apologized for his behavior and declared that he would stop the abuse? There's a big difference between the two. Abusers typically work in two stages: an abusive stage and a peaceful stage. If they were abusive nonstop, they know that their partner would never stay. When they cycle into being abusive, the partner often stays and puts up with it, holding on to the fact that the abuser can be so kind and loving, hoping he'll go back to that. And he will go back to being peaceful when he realizes their partner has reached a breaking point and is about to leave - they'll cycle back to being nice in order to get them to stay and forgive them for everything they've done. This is why so many countless women stay with an abusive partner - they get hooked into the cycle and often don't see the big picture of what is really happening.

So, you need to determine whether his abuse has stopped because he has decided to actually change, or if he's simply in a peaceful stage and could cycle back into being abusive at any point.

If he has actually decided to change, then reconciliation is the best. As God says in the Quran, if a husband and wife desire reconciliation, then God will grant that to them.

However, in order to reconcile and to solve the issue between you and your husband, you need to:

1. End the relationship with the other person. Emotional cheating (for women) is more dangerous because it's very difficult for women to be emotionally involved with more than one person. So, the woman usually ends up withdrawing from her partner and focusing all her energy and emotions on the other person. If you want to reconcile with your husband, it will be impossible to work through all the damage and pain when your heart is elsewhere. In order to get your emotions back and invested in your husband, you must completely get rid of all distractions. You have to end it and cut all ties with the other person.

2. You need to go to marriage counseling. Whether it be with an actual therapist or with an imam at a local mosque, you and your husband need professional help to be able to put back the pieces of your relationship. Your faith, trust, and love for him were all shattered when he was abusing you, and the road to recovery is a long one that needs his full support. If he desires reconciliation with you and wants a healthy, loving relationship, he has to take action in order to fix what he has destroyed.

Your issues with intimacy, in my opinion, are caused by two things: the past abuse (if things aren't right in a relationship and the woman doesn't feel safe or has been hurt - emotionally or physically - by her husband, intimacy is nearly impossible and she often loses her attraction to her partner), and your emotional dependence on someone else. If your emotions are invested elsewhere, you won't be able to give anything to your husband.

I pray that God will give you the strength and guidance to choose the right path and take the right steps. If you'd like to talk to me about it further, please feel free to do so.

Fi aman Allah-

Really Really good post. Tlady you should listen to this person. Their advice is write on tack. For you to re-gain the love you may once have you need to focus ALL your soul into your husband again. You can not be giving love here and there. One it is religiously wrong and two it will never solve your issue. If you want to fix this, you need to learn to talk to your husband. Do not go and tell him you have been having emotional relationships with another guy for four years, that will just through everything down the drain, but you do need to talk to him about the abuse and what you have told us. You also need to go to counseling. It is professional and more advisable then to be asking us.

I do wish you the best and that Enshallah Allah will reconcile your relationship and that spark can be regained.

Salam

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I am not sure what to do really...been married for almost xxx yrs and in this time, the first xxx yrs, myhusband emotionally and physically abused me. I have xxx children who are older and though he has stopped, his actions cannot be forgotten. We are more friends now and love the kids, BUT i can not stand to be intimate with him since a year into our marriage. I cringe and cry when I must perform. Please help!!!

(salam)

My heart breaks when I hear stories of this nature, I would search your heart, cling to the noble Qu'ran, pray about this and most importantly talk to you Imam. I am not a scholar but I would say if anything you should consider leaving him, an abusive house is not good for your children and it's not good for you. I would try talking to him but I get the feeling he wouldn't listen much but if you can, do so.

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First: end your other relationship and seek counseling.

Second: If counseling doesn't work then you might want to think about ending your marriage.

Guys, it looks like this lady really needs help, and some of your posts did sound a little judgmental. Negativity and judging only turns people away.

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Guys, it looks like this lady really needs help, and some of your posts did sound a little judgmental. Negativity and judging only turns people away.

I mentioned corroding the public space earlier and it seems to be becoming a theme:

he is absolutely does!!! A very good human being, but we all falter!! It was never pre meditated!! I know so many "religious" people who are in worse situations, an the responses that I have received are cruel!!! Thank you for being gentle!!! Believe me , it goes a long way not to hurt others

1. She did not have to talk about the other relationship, but she did

2. We now have the generalisation that everyone makes mistakes

3. We also have the idea that lots of religious people do so

AIUI in Islam you don't go about broadcasting your sins, you definitely don't try and justify them and you most certainly don't claim that other people are worse. Therein lies the road to undermining Islamic society and that is what this poster is doing, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

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I mentioned corroding the public space earlier and it seems to be becoming a theme:

1. She did not have to talk about the other relationship, but she did

2. We now have the generalisation that everyone makes mistakes

3. We also have the idea that lots of religious people do so

AIUI in Islam you don't go about broadcasting your sins, you definitely don't try and justify them and you most certainly don't claim that other people are worse. Therein lies the road to undermining Islamic society and that is what this poster is doing, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

(salam)

exactly! the one who gives advice according to Quran is treated like an adultress who should be stoned for her sins.

Edited by Mohammed-W

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I have had the following comments put on my profile page by the OP, since the profile pages are in the public domain, I'll put an extract here, since it's relevant to the above point:

Well I don't know what the OP was expecting quite frankly. She comes onto an Islam focused website and tells everyone that she has an 'emotional relationship' with someone who is not her husband. AIUI Islam does not work in the same way as some more liberal forms of Christianity. People on the latter type of board may well have taken a more accepting view. I don't think Islam does and I don't think it should.

This is the reason why.

When any wrong behaviour is made public there is the risk of 'normalising' it, i.e. making it acceptable (e.g. given the circumstances). AIUI this is not on in an Islamic sense. Now the people condemning such behaviour are NOT claiming that they themselves are sin free! I believe that putting an unIslamic behaviour within a context that may make it seem acceptable, is extremely corrosive and should be stamped on wherever it arises.

The last thing we want to do is give people reading this website the impression that if they do something wrong, others will be 'understanding', based on the circumstances.

Please elaborate on this point?! Maybe im reading into it, but there is no way Christianity, Catholocisim condones adulturey...again sorry if im reading it wrong :)

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Guest Zahratul_Islam

Comments like these are part of the reason I think that Haji serves this forum well as an opinionated member ranting about the liberalization of Islam instead of as a moderator. Going so far as to call the woman an "adulteress" is just distasteful, unprofessional, and not the kind of language I would expect from any of the other moderators on this board. Posting what she wrote on your wall to try and demonize her and cast doubt on whether or not the relationship was physical? Classy. Real freggin classy.

Stories like this are what this forum has always been for. A woman who is fallible (like the rest of us) and quite obviously confused has come here to ask advice and has been given the type of treatment you would expect from ummah.com moderators. You don't like the scanario? Offer your advice and move on, dont stay and bully the woman.

This story is obviously requires maturity that some members on this board do not have. Those members should do us all a favor and stick to copy/pasting news stories from PressTV

Edited by Zahratul_Islam

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Please elaborate on this point?! Maybe im reading into it, but there is no way Christianity, Catholocisim condones adulturey...again sorry if im reading it wrong :)

The person who is likely to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England commits adultery (admits to it on national television) and then gets blessed in church for his marriage to the person who he committed adultery with. It's that level of acceptance of adultery that you do not have in Islam, yet.

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After I read batool's comments I cried so hard and so badly..that I felt I have no hope!!!

Salaams,

you don't need to get affected by Ashiqat's or anyone elses wors sister. Just take time and talk to Allah(swt) and try and seek counselling...isn't that the best? No one can judge you and especially not people on a forum. I for one hope all works out good for you. It's just that there are no short cuts, and sometimes being harsh is really love deep down - I think most responses were of that mode.

There are others involved in this too, eg. have you thought about the man you were talking to? What about his wife in all of this? Sister, please go and seek help but be careful as not every helper out there is a helper. You stated you had "found love elsewhere", do you think that would have been fair if you were that man's wife? Does his wife know about this?

Many things seem tangled up. There fore I advice you seek councelling and to try and look within. You may have seeked the wrong type of support for 4 years, from the wrong source.

May Allah(swt) help you sister,

//Ws

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Guest Zahratul_Islam

The person who is likely to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England commits adultery (admits to it on national television) and then gets blessed in church for his marriage to the person who he committed adultery with. It's that level of acceptance of adultery that you do not have in Islam, yet.

Translation: Prince Charles married Camilla after the death of his wife (he had a physical relationship with her during her lifetime) and because the Church of England transferred power from the Pope to the King during the reign of Henry VIII (to justify his own divorce and desire to remarry) Christianity must condone adultery. It sounds more like men trying to twist religion to get what they want (happens in Islam all the time.. only you don't call it "liberalization" you refer to it as "sunnah" instead)

You need to stop calling this woman an adulteress. She has an emotional attachment to someone as the result of an abusive relationship which has left her feeling unloved. She should stop communication with this person until she sorts her feelings and priorities out. She is NOT an adulteress (it is unproductive to assume things on an online forum). I know this does not fall comfortably into place in the black and white world of Islam v other.. which is why you should perhaps turn your attention elsewhere instead of harassing the woman.

Edited by Zahratul_Islam

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^Good points.

It sounds more like men trying to twist religion to get what they want (happens in Islam all the time.. only you don't call it "liberalization" you refer to it as "sunnah" instead).

Exactly.

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Mods should close this.

So much for your americanized Muslim patterns of interaction, honestly. In ISLAAM we don't go ask for support from a married man for 4 years in private so that emotions develop (knowing he has a wife at home also), nor does a Muslim man help out another sister in such a irresponsible way - unless he doesn't fear Allah(swt).

So much for everyone screaming "adultery". Please, it takes two to tango in that case. It's wrong upon wrong that make these scenarios even possible. A good Muslim man would have adviced her to seek proper help, please.

The lady is confused, clearly. As soon as some of you also spat out judgements, she started voicing her bitterness about religion/religious people - contacts with the man should be cut immediately. He's no good for her as she is starting to tremble upon her deen because of some words from idiotic people on this forum (who are they anyway?). Don't feed that.

Sister, your only helper is Allah(swt). If you let any words from people affect you and make your head cloudy so easily, then you have a very big problem. If you're lonely and afraid, I'm sure many can refer you to someone (Mods?). But what you are doing is destructive, you have huge feelings of guilt that are destroying you and it's only because deep down you fear Allah(swt) - and you know that you need support in this insecure situation that you're in.

Bismillah.

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The person who is likely to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England commits adultery (admits to it on national television) and then gets blessed in church for his marriage to the person who he committed adultery with. It's that level of acceptance of adultery that you do not have in Islam, yet.

The person who is likely to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England was forced in an arranged marriage ( something which is not common in Christian religions, but very common in certain religions!! ) with Diana, when Camilla was the women he had loved for a long time when they both single at the time, but she was not seen as suitable to be the wife of a future King. He should of resisted the forced marriage pressure and marry the women he loved. Arranged marriages may work, when the man has the option of choosing more wives, but when he is only allowed the one wife, it most certainly will not work well. It looks like Prince William is going to marry the girl he loves, who he met at Uni, even though she does not come from a royal background.

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I still don't understand, why closing this thread? What's wrong with it exactly? Why not help the sister with some wisdom or remain silent? Will shutting people down do any good? Or orienting them and try to find solutions with them? And no one is approving, supporting, encouraging, justifying the 4 years relationship, some of you forgot the problem of this thread and are just taking that one sentence and wanting to lash the woman or to shush her (at least) because of what? Because she regrets and repents? Because she prays God helps her to love her husband?...Please everyone..

Salaams,

because it might do harm considering the OP.s situation, harsh responses and judgemental attitudes can have consequences in the real world - that was my concern. And you can't eaxctly forbid people to be harsh or only help out with wisdom either (as some here think that shouting stuff is the way to bring people closer to Allah(swt) - go figure). I agree with you, and when I wrote that mods should close the thread I honestly was just concerned for the sister. I got very emotional myself as there were things that are very hurtful that the sister shared, because you may end up harming her if you're telling it as it is (the lack of responsibility and turning to a non-mahram like this despite that he has a wife eg., that she hasn't told her husband straight up or consulted other third parties such as councellors/sheiks etc. No matter if it was more of an emotional relationship indeed, the story shows someone who have been irresponsible for 4 whole years. You always have a choice no matter what. Both she and the man shw was talking to had a CHOICE). Yes, one should help or remain silent sister - but the reality is that she has been offered help by several members in this thread. And maybe it's best to avoid making things messy as it is a very personal issue (there's a whole thread started by another member regarding the situation eg.).

May Allah(swt) guide us all..

/Ws

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The person who is likely to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England was forced in an arranged marriage ( something which is not common in Christian religions, but very common in certain religions!! )

Arranged marriages are not a religious thing, they are cultural. So your sly dig at Islam won't work. They are specifically relevant where social, political, economic and family factors are given precedence over luurrve. They have happened in a range of cultures and countries for a very long time and it is only recently that the Mills and Boon approach to marriage has become more popular.

I was answering with respect to the Church's greater tolerance for adultery. I note that your point was to excuse his behaviour due to the 'unfairness' of his first marriage and this is the whole point I am trying to make.

A lot of modern thinking tries to excuse 'wrong' behaviour. So Charles' infidelity is excusable because of his 'arranged' marriage. In a similar fashion D.H. Lawrence cleverly 'excused' Lady Chatterley's adultery on the basis of her husband's impotence. He was writing at a time when adultery was still considered 'bad' in England.

AIUI Islam does not take this approach. There are red lines. Adultery is not allowed. Period. An arranged marriage is not an excuse, an impotent spouse is not an excuse, a wife-beater is not an excuse.

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Arranged marriages are not a religious thing, they are cultural. So your sly dig at Islam won't work. They are specifically relevant where social, political, economic and family factors are given precedence over luurrve. They have happened in a range of cultures and countries for a very long time and it is only recently that the Mills and Boon approach to marriage has become more popular.

I was answering with respect to the Church's greater tolerance for adultery. I note that your point was to excuse his behaviour due to the 'unfairness' of his first marriage and this is the whole point I am trying to make.

A lot of modern thinking tries to excuse 'wrong' behaviour. So Charles' infidelity is excusable because of his 'arranged' marriage. In a similar fashion D.H. Lawrence cleverly 'excused' Lady Chatterley's adultery on the basis of her husband's impotence. He was writing at a time when adultery was still considered 'bad' in England.

AIUI Islam does not take this approach. There are red lines. Adultery is not allowed. Period. An arranged marriage is not an excuse, an impotent spouse is not an excuse, a wife-beater is not an excuse.

Trying to figure out the reasons for a particular sinful behaviour in a particular scenario in order understand the case better, and eventually to help the person in the problem, doesn't equal excusing the sin or accepting it. None of the Muslims here have excused or accepted the OP's sinful behaviour. You are beating around the wrong bush, bro mod Haji.

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The stages of al-Amr Bil-Ma'ruf Wal Nahy-Anil Munkar:

This duty is performed in three stages. It is not permitted to move from a stage to the next if the former stage proved to be effective. These stages are:

a. The first stage is to act in such a manner which would convery one's strong disapproval, which can be displayed in various ways, such as turning away from the doer and showing disgust at his conduct.

b. Verbal disapproval by way of explaining Allah's (swt) reward and punishment and fear of Him.

c. Physical disapproval, by resorting to a physical act.

i came across that last night, thought it was fitting for this thread.

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Trying to figure out the reasons for a particular sinful behaviour in a particular scenario in order understand the case better, and eventually to help the person in the problem, doesn't equal excusing the sin or accepting it. None of the Muslims here have excused or accepted the OP's sinful behaviour. You are beating around the wrong bush, bro mod Haji.

If you look at the start of the thread, I was actually trying to help her out, by hiding the identifiable details she had given. I also gave her advance warning that others may ask her sensitive questions and I was willing to move the thread to the Sis board if she wanted this (not an offer she took up - curiously enough).

To be honest I was not reading the tales of woe in any detail and not contributing substantively either. Subsequently Sis Batool came along and pointed out that the OP had mentioned this other relationship, but NO ONE had challenged her on it.

Up to that point all the posts had been very sympathetic.

At that point I decided to close it. One of the reasons was that I felt she was a troll and it's an opinion that has become stronger over time and with reflection. Someone who describes themselves as 'religious' has an unacceptable relationship with another man for FOUR years and in that time never gets an opinion about what to do? And the first time they decide to do this, is on a BB with a group full of strangers.

Oh really.

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The stages of al-Amr Bil-Ma'ruf Wal Nahy-Anil Munkar:

This duty is performed in three stages. It is not permitted to move from a stage to the next if the former stage proved to be effective. These stages are:

a. The first stage is to act in such a manner which would convery one's strong disapproval, which can be displayed in various ways, such as turning away from the doer and showing disgust at his conduct.

b. Verbal disapproval by way of explaining Allah's (swt) reward and punishment and fear of Him.

c. Physical disapproval, by resorting to a physical act.

i came across that last night, thought it was fitting for this thread.

Interesting and understandable. Where did you come across that?

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Interesting and understandable. Where did you come across that?

unfortunately i do not have a source for it.. it is from a some printouts outlining a few of the basic aspects of Shia Islam, such as ijtihad, taqlid, and ihtiyat, fasting, rules of najis and tahir

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If you look at the start of the thread, I was actually trying to help her out, by hiding the identifiable details she had given. I also gave her advance warning that others may ask her sensitive questions and I was willing to move the thread to the Sis board if she wanted this. Sis Batool came along and pointed out that the OP had mentioned this other relationship, but NO ONE had challenged her on it.

Salam,

I almost never contribute to threads like this, however, I will make an exception in this case to let you know that I (and I'm sure many other members) support your actions in this (and other similar) cases of this I have seen.

It seems that many people come to this board and open up their personal life to millions of strangers in the hope that they will get some type of support or sympathy. Sometimes these people are truly innocent victims that are deserving of sympathy and words of encouragement, however, (and maybe more often) we get a one sided "tale of woe" from a person that (like most of us, including myself) is more responsible for the negative aspects of their life then they care to admit or own up to. When someone points out their own mistakes in the matter they become hostile and defensive....and then they leave (and maybe that's best anyway).

I am glad that we have moderators who sincerely try to create a safe environment on this board while not ignoring behaviors (such as admiring to major sins and not expecting anyone to point this out) that could cause the message of this board (to promote Islam and Islamic values) to become diluted.

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Arranged marriages are not a religious thing, they are cultural. So your sly dig at Islam won't work. They are specifically relevant where social, political, economic and family factors are given precedence over luurrve. They have happened in a range of cultures and countries for a very long time and it is only recently that the Mills and Boon approach to marriage has become more popular.

Unlike your dig at Christian religions, over one incident in the Church of England? :P

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_England

Members 13.4 million

Yeah, a whole 13.4 million. Christianity is still the worlds largest religion with between 2.1 and 2.2 billion members, but I reckon what Priince Charles done as head of the Church of England and the whole 13.4 million followers meant it was ok to have a sly dig at ALL of Christianity over it?

Pot, Kettle, Black :D

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The person who is likely to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England commits adultery (admits to it on national television) and then gets blessed in church for his marriage to the person who he committed adultery with. It's that level of acceptance of adultery that you do not have in Islam, yet.

Thanks for elaborating. The Catholic church does not condone adultery, and again it's go against the sin and not the sinner. I understand your strong stance due to your religion, but also we must be compassionate as we are human , and to err is to be human

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It seems like this woman is emotionally distraught and extremely vulnerable, the last thing she needs is the door of hope to be slammed in her face, especially from those who she thought could help her.

She may have committed wrong, but at least she shows remorse for her actions and is sincerely seeking a way out of the mess she has got herself into, so screaming 'Haram Haram Haram' at her won't change anything, and it may even have an adverse effect and push here into the pits of despair as we are seeing in this scenario (, which is an even greater sin than zina mind you!) .

We need to admonish people with wisdom, not just haphazardly without even considering the circumstances or the background from which the person is coming.

I just hope that our Lord does not judge us in the same way many here have judged her.

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Dear tlady

from what I have read from your posts I figured that your sin is biting you. If that is the case and I hope so that is and not otherwise than ask forgiveness to Allah in each and every prayer of yours upto you death. May he give you strength and forgive you. Dont ever tell your husband or kids that will be the biggest error of your life. If you decide to let go your marriage that is upto you but how to do it is a very difficult question. It has to be in the most fdriendly way as possible. If you decide to stay with your husband and feel that you have committed a grave sin against him than treat him nicely and obey him for the rest of his life.

But on the other hand which I hope is not correct, if you are trying to justify your sin by saying I was not sexually attracted to him than I fear that a greater ahzaab is on your way.

My advice to you pray each and every day to Allah to forgive you and if you cant face your husband than its better to find some way to seperate without hurting him but its better to face him daily so that you are reminded of your sin and ask Allah to forgive you by treating him with love.

Whatever I am saying is very hard but is the most correct way to ask for forgiveness.

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Salaam sister (Tlady) and to all brothers and sisters

First reply is to everyone out there: this woman is in trouble. Stop furthering her into what she’s already doing - Sadiq M - i agree with you. Yes - relationship with another man is forbidden in Islam – married or not married. Punishment is in Allah swt hands – not us or in the Admins hands. If Allah punishes sins then Allah also recognises tauba – this is the beauty of Islam which hardly any of you are addressing. How many married women would put their hands up and say ‘yes we will have an affair with a married man?’ no-one pre-destines this. Circumstances push us into sins – which although does NOT justify sins – but let’s face it…it happens. We’re humans – but as muslim’s we are taught to not only control our desires but be patient with our sorrows. I admire sister’s sabr throughout her ordeal and perhaps it’s a lesson for all us sisters that despite the situation – don’t commit such sin because this is the treatment you get from society as well as the guilt eating you up inside.

Now, for the sister: look – yes, you have been through a lot – I am sorry. You are on this forum asking for advice being anonymous – surely you expect advice from your fellow brothers and sisters which I’m sure you have received by some sensible people on this forum – so please prepare yourself to be criticised. Remember constructive criticism is the best. It is fairly obvious you repent on your sins so I really don’t want to dwell on that but will encourage you to do tauba as and when you feel your heart is provoking you to think of it.

My opinion: Firstly, obviously end this silly relationship with this other married man – like someone’s mentioned it’s not fair on the ‘other’ wife. It’s not her fault your husband beated you. You've referred to this relationship as 'love' - is it really? is that why you're wanting your hubby back? it's like your trying to convince yourself you love this other guy - truth is you love your hubby and want him back and you simply 'resorted' to this other guy - I know it sounds nasty but i'm sorry let's deal with you rather than him.

Obviously pray – you probably looked more into seeking forgiveness so again I won’t dwell on this. As for your past reflecting your present – and your present worrying you about the future – shall I be really really really blatent here…..it’s all in YOUR HEAD. Your heart is not saying anything at all…listen to your instincts which quite frankly is saying ‘I want my hubby back’. You are doing two things here (a) dwelling on your past relationship with your husband and (B) dwelling on the sin you’ve committed. Do tauba – get your head screwed on and promise yourself you’ll change for the better (your husband obviously has so you have no excuse there).

Now I hear you say…but how?? How can I forget this and that blah blah – I will say – “Relax girl, pull your socks up, have your good intention in your head, say Bismillah and YA ALI MADAD and take a step forward” inshallah your one step positive will turn things around – but this is upto you and you only. I’m sounding demanding here and bossy – but it’s worked many times – believe me. All this [Edited Out] is in the head – and quite clearly when you’re upset and down you basically open the doors for the shaiytan to walk right in and sit there and cook food for you adding all sorts of masala! Get over it !!! – you committed a major sin – fine – accept it, do tauba (which you’ve done) NOW MOVE ON! Dnt kill yourself over it. Don’t let these people or anyone, even yourself convince you to keep dwelling on what you’ve done. Allah knows best. Allah will judge you. Now read on without this ‘other man’ in your head.

I have been through quite a lot myself, I tell you what I did – I told some of my close friends and reli’s this aswell when they’ve been in trouble and alhumdulillah it’s worked:

- Have a ghusl (a ghusl is an act of sunnat and means of seeking purification so why not do it with the niyyat of forgiveness and moving on). Wash away all the [Edited Out] and actually watch it go down the drain! (this actually is quite funny – my friend told me she chuckled whilst looking at the water go down – it was like as if she’s washed away everything)

- Read a standard 2 rakat namaz seeking blessings from Allah to help you in your ‘new’ mission (you obviously want 2 start all over again)

- You want to feel sexually attracted to your husband – how bout you attract your hubby first. Dress up – make a positive effort. Make yourself feel wanted. If he hugs you –HUG HIM BACK!!! And then take it from there…

Alhumdulillah the best thing from what you’ve said so far is the friendship between you and your hubby – this is the best foundation for any relationship…you know deep down you do want intimacy and its your head (your thoughts and past) that are coming in the way – how bout you kick those thoughts out of the bedroom for once eh!

I know it’s all easy said then done…but for YOUR marriage sake – try this…it’s worked with myself and I dua it works for you too. After that I hope you request the admin team yourself to close this thread – reason: because you’ll keep looking back at this and reminding yourself of everything. Create yourself a new account and totally put everything behind you! Inshallah all will be well.

Remember sis – it’s in your head – the sooner you decide YOURSELF you want to put an end to this headache – the quicker the results!!!

Duas – all the best!

MBS110

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