Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
tlady

[Closed/Review]I Am Not Sexually Attracted To My Husban

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

I am not sure what to do really...been married for almost xxx yrs and in this time, the first xxx yrs, myhusband emotionally and physically abused me. I have xxx children who are older and though he has stopped, his actions cannot be forgotten. We are more friends now and love the kids, BUT i can not stand to be intimate with him since a year into our marriage. I cringe and cry when I must perform. Please help!!!

Edited by Haji 2003

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure what to do really...been married for almost xxx yrs and in this time, the first xxx yrs, myhusband emotionally and physically abused me. I have xxx children who are older and though he has stopped, his actions cannot be forgotten. We are more friends now and love the kids, BUT i can not stand to be intimate with him since a year into our marriage. I cringe and cry when I must perform. Please help!!!

okay, so in the second year of marriage you couldn't stand being intimate with him? am i understanding correctly? i'm assuming he was beating you back then as well. you wanted to have kids with him even after knowing this that early in the marriage?

Edited by Haji 2003

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sorry to hear this sis , must be hard an you must be patient

why not seek professional consultant , a therapist a merrage consultant

it would help you organize your thoughts

consult islamic lawer or scholar for divorce too , that would clearfy your choices to you

may Allah be with you

advice :seek professonal help away from judgemntal opinions here and there , everyone do mistakes but it is not everyone job to judge everyone

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sorry to hear this sis , must be hard an you must be patient

why not seek professional consultant , a therapist a merrage consultant

it would help you organize your thoughts

consult islamic lawer or scholar for divorce too , that would clearfy your choices to you

may Allah be with you

advice :seek professonal help away from judgemntal opinions here and there , everyone do mistakes but it is not everyone job to judge everyone

i don't know if there are any judges on shiachat.com but i do know that we must find the problem before a solution is sought after.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sometimes better not to know what problem is , better for us the observers and commenters

we are not gonna at the end be a mirrage consultants nor scholars nor therapist , well there might be someone around but he /she would rather take this issue to private messages

my point is sometimes lots of interfering in family issues by non expert may just complicate the issue

as you said she dosnt know where the problem is or we dont know , so she better be professionally guided rather missguided by good intentions

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When did the beatings start and when did they stop? How often did they occur? How severe were they? Are the beatings the reason why you don't find him attractive, or are there other reasons? Is he overweight, too skinny, or too old? How has he been treating you since the beatings stopped?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all sister, it is normal to have an aversion to pain, and to whomever caused it. So don't be so hard on yourself. I think I sense that either you have no support in your family or you refused to go to them (your mom) (sister) for advice. After the first abuse episode you should have ended things because it is well documented that once an abuser, always an abuser, and I am sure he had very clear reasons why he was doing it. Is he now abusing your children? I think you should seek the counsel of a good lawyer. If you are no longer physically attracted to him, why are you there? You are going to cause yourself and children alot of psychological upset by staying with a man who doesn't respect their mom.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sometimes better not to know what problem is , better for us the observers and commenters

we are not gonna at the end be a mirrage consultants nor scholars nor therapist , well there might be someone around but he /she would rather take this issue to private messages

my point is sometimes lots of interfering in family issues by non expert may just complicate the issue

as you said she dosnt know where the problem is or we dont know , so she better be professionally guided rather missguided by good intentions

some of us actually do come here to learn.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just some general observations.

When someone posts such personal issues on a bulletin board, there can be a natural request to have further information and given the sensitivity of the topic, this could be difficult to do.

I recently came across someone on another BB who, wanting to say how outrageously high London property prices are, stated what their salary was and then said it was impossible for them to buy a home in London. Their salary was actually quite high, so naturally there were questions about what the expenses associated with their lifestyle. It all ended up with the person having to give a detailed breakdown of ALL their monthly expenses! It became pretty clear that those daily trips to Starbucks, for example, were all adding up to a lot of discretionary expenditure. So other peoples' incredulity was justified. They then got advice about how to reduce those expenses.

The lesson for this thread is that the OP is new and obviously I don't know their experience of using BBs. But if they post about such a sensitive issue, they should expect further questions and probing and perhaps suggestions and advice which they may not be entirely comfortable with.

Sometimes the Sisters Board may be more suitable and if they would rather this topic were moved there, we could do that.

Edited by Haji 2003

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam Sister,

I do feel very bad for you. But being the situation as it may, we may need a little more information to help you out. I have been through a situation like this once with a friend, but I knew a lot about her, unlike I do you. So if you could sister, answer some of the questions other people have asked, I would be glad to help someone out it this sticky situation. If you are uncomfortable you can always comment on my wall and I will provide you with my e-mail so as we can talk if you dont want your personal life out there. Enshallah all becomes well!!

Thank you,

Drema

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(salam)

Is he still physically abusive to you?

As for intimate matters:

You have to tell him. They is no way out of this problem. If you are unwilling to tell your husband then it's going to be very difficult.

How old are your children? Are they boys or girls? The reason I am asking is because if you have a son, who is 12+ and seem mature, then maybe you can tell your son. And maybe let your son tell your husband your aversion to him. But again, they is no way out of this. You just have to tell him.

I almost don't think it is a good idea to tell an outsider about this problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure what to do really...been married for almost 20 yrs and in this time, the first 12 yrs, myhusband emotionally and physically abused me. I have 2 children who are older and though he has stopped, his actions cannot be forgotten. We are more friends now and love the kids, BUT i can not stand to be intimate with him since a year into our marriage. I cringe and cry when I must perform. Please help!!!

Sorry to hear what you have been through and are still going through.

Perhaps you are have just written this to vent, because I am not sure what advice anyone can really give you.

One thing I would like to say though is in all these years did your husband not notice even once that you are cringing and are repeled by him. I would think he has some idea but has chosen to ignore your feelings....for whatever reason. I wonder how much good it would do to bring up the subject. However, seems like thats probably the only option you are left with.

Good Luck.

Edited by Muskaan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(salam)

How old are your children? Are they boys or girls? The reason I am asking is because if you have a son, who is 12+ and seem mature, then maybe you can tell your son. And maybe let your son tell your husband your aversion to him. But again, they is no way out of this. You just have to tell him.

I would not think that involving children would be a good idea. Apart from putting them in an awkward/embarassing situation (even if the children are of age), the children will feel an undue pressure (even if its not intended) to choose sides. They seem to love their father so this would really spoil their relation with him.

Edited by Muskaan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

okay, so in the second year of marriage you couldn't stand being intimate with him? am i understanding correctly? i'm assuming he was beating you back then as well. you wanted to have kids with him even after knowing this that early in the marriage?

i already had one child and found out within 10 minths i ws expecting again

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam Sister,

I do feel very bad for you. But being the situation as it may, we may need a little more information to help you out. I have been through a situation like this once with a friend, but I knew a lot about her, unlike I do you. So if you could sister, answer some of the questions other people have asked, I would be glad to help someone out it this sticky situation. If you are uncomfortable you can always comment on my wall and I will provide you with my e-mail so as we can talk if you dont want your personal life out there. Enshallah all becomes well!!

Thank you,

Drema

my kids are older now..in their teens...love my husband and never ask much of him...he is good with the children and myself NOW...but from the tender age of 18 to 30 I was hurt not only by him but his family that I cant find comfort or protection if you so will, in his arms.. he just thinks that sex is a bit uncomfortable for me but he is a bit blinded in his own denial that I could ever be so hurt. I have found love elsewhere after a long time and it was not planned and want to throw up from guilt!! This other person has been by my side for almost 4 yrs, but I am more religious thatn he is... I never EVER want to hurt my husband, thats not who i am!!!! I cry in my salat that why did this abuse have to happen to me???? Why cant Allah make me love him romatically again.... I love him as a friend....his family never liked me either and evenwhen they knew, they did nothing!!!! Even his siblings were RUDE to me!!!! not him!!! I always wonder what Allah will do to punish me, I never wanted to be in a bad situation!!! Will he hurt my kids or me??? even my husband to punish me??? I get so confused and there is never anyone to talk to about such matters...im hurt so deeply....

i don't know if there are any judges on shiachat.com but i do know that we must find the problem before a solution is sought after.

its embarrassing to talk about this!!! My husband knows im hurt but bcause im so patient, he does not understand that a woman can never find security inthe arms that have hurt her so much!!

I would not think that involving children would be a good idea. Apart from putting them in an awkward/embarassing situation (even if the children are of age), the children will feel an undue pressure (even if its not intended) to choose sides. They seem to love their father so this would really spoil their relation with him.

I dont want a divorce, just a way to be able to love him again romantically!! I prayed in my salat for yrs for this, but my body just hates him getting close... We are more like friends and for me thats comfortable... I NEVER want to hurt my kids!!! They love him and he loves them!! I love him too because he is a good father, but why can I not be intimate with him without cringing and feeling the need to push him off??

When did the beatings start and when did they stop? How often did they occur? How severe were they? Are the beatings the reason why you don't find him attractive, or are there other reasons? Is he overweight, too skinny, or too old? How has he been treating you since the beatings stopped?

they started within the year of marriage...it happened almost all the time for many years...the throat grabbing, punching, squeezing my arms til they turned blue!!! Oh god its so hard to write this!! He would apologize but it would happen again and again...The cursing and verbal abuse lingered til maybe just few yrs ago. He is good looking and in shape...we both take care of ourselves..... he has been much better since the hitting stopped, but I think im my heart it was too late...he knows I avoid intimacy but I try to laugh it off...he never sees me crying, and if he did I would say I was cramping.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all sister, it is normal to have an aversion to pain, and to whomever caused it. So don't be so hard on yourself. I think I sense that either you have no support in your family or you refused to go to them (your mom) (sister) for advice. After the first abuse episode you should have ended things because it is well documented that once an abuser, always an abuser, and I am sure he had very clear reasons why he was doing it. Is he now abusing your children? I think you should seek the counsel of a good lawyer. If you are no longer physically attracted to him, why are you there? You are going to cause yourself and children alot of psychological upset by staying with a man who doesn't respect their mom.

He stopped the physical abuse a while back, but it had gone ontoo long already...my kids dont know a thing and I have protected them...he is trying to be a good husband now, since the kids are older and he neer hurts them...his family pressured him a lot and all the anger would unleash on me... am with him because I dont want to hurt my kids, i dont want to hurt him either because Im not that kind of person...Being patient has drained me and it has affected my health...i smile at the world so no one sees my hurt. I could not go to my parents always..they knew about it long ago, but when I saw my parents hurt, I could nt do that to them again...My in laws knew too, but nothing was really done.... I have told him that i hate sex a few times, but he thinks im just angry or being emotional....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(salam)

But why aren’t you telling your husband what you told all of us?

Don’t you think that after being married for close to 20 years that you can at least be honest to him?

in certain arguments, I have told him that I hate sex!!! of course it cant be bottle up inside for long, but I am a committed mom and he thinks that women just say things like that. Can you imagine what would happen if i said i am not attracted to you etc????? i am so tired for so many yrs from keeping my kids protected and safe, that i CANT hurt them now..it would be inevitable, so instead i pray that I love him romantically again and that Allah help me want him.... I did find love elsewhere just a few yrs ago and dying from guilt... I dont want to be an evil person!!! Someone can into my life without me ever thinking it and now I feel im worse off!!!! Its a horrible situation!!! I just always wonder why me???? When i love anyone im sooo sincere!!! I just wanted to feel protected or just to get a hug... my husband never knew what a hug was....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(salam)

But why aren’t you telling your husband what you told all of us?

Don’t you think that after being married for close to 20 years that you can at least be honest to him?

also, how do i erase my posts...im so scared he may read this topic and know its me :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

also, how do i erase my posts...im so scared he may read this topic and know its me :(

Just hit the delete button in the lower left corner of each post.

But I was thinking - why dont you focus more on getting the feelilngs back for him - such as time together that slowly becomes more intimate - doing things together - talks, walks, dinners, week ends away - instead of focusing on having sex with him - you dont trust him and definitely dont feel comfortable with him - this emotional change needs to happen first. You need to gain back trust and this takes work from both of you. You need to really communicate with him - I am sure that there are also many things he would like to say to you too about the past - he may find it easier to ignore than address - so make it easy for him without judgement. His actions speak a lot for his determination to change. It takes time and effort to replace abusive memories with new ones that are safe and secure and promising - but I think if you are both willing, you can do it.

Edited by Maryaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

also, how do i erase my posts...im so scared he may read this topic and know its me :(

I've edited the more identifying items of detail, hope that helps. Next stage would be to delete the whole thread. You are able to edit/delete your own posts for a short while after you post, after that moderators have to do it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have stated repeatedly, and for some reason the posters haven't noticed that you have been cheating on your husband for 4 years now. Although i understand the circumstances that led you to where you are, this in no way, NO way justifies what you are doing and it is 100% wrong and needs to end immediately. I don't understand how you can ever hope to fall in love with your husband again when you are in love with another man? And if he ever finds out about what you are doing then your relationship is most likely going to be over anyway. So my advice, you need to stop your relationship with this other man immediately. Adultery is one of the greatest sins, if you died today you would most likely go to hell.

End the relationship immediately or you will not advance or change your situation. That is my advice.

Wasalam.

Edited by 3ashiqat-Al-Batoul

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have stated repeatedly, and for some reason the posters haven't noticed .

Well spotted Sis. IMHO there's no way SC should be used by an adulteress for tea and sympathy. And I am locking the thread unless someone else thinks it's worth prolonging.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, I've had feedback from another member and a moderator. So despite my reservations, I'll re-open the thread. Apologies for any inconvenience.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i agree with 3ashiqat . you need to repent for your sins immediately. pray for forgiveness from Allah (swt) right away, and abstain from committing such a huge sin. you need to seriously reconsider your marriage.

best of luck sister.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(salam)

OK, I've had feedback from another member and a moderator. So despite my reservations, I'll re-open the thread. Apologies for any inconvenience.

Yeah, I was going to say, what she said and adultery are not exactly the same thing. Best not to assume.

Edited by Qa'im

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, I was going to say, what she said and adultery are not exactly the same thing. Best not to assume.

When I read this:

I have found love elsewhere after a long time and it was not planned and want to throw up from guilt!! This other person has been by my side for almost 4 yrs, but I am more religious thatn he is... I never EVER want to hurt my husband, thats not who i am!!!!

I assumed the lady was talking euphemistically. This second dude who's been dishing out the love for four years and not expecting anything more physical in the meantime must have the patience of a saint.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I read this:

I have found love elsewhere after a long time and it was not planned and want to throw up from guilt!! This other person has been by my side for almost 4 yrs, but I am more religious thatn he is... I never EVER want to hurt my husband, thats not who i am!!!!

I assumed the lady was talking euphemistically. This second dude who's been dishing out the love for four years and not expecting anything more physical in the meantime must have the patience of a saint.

He may be married to someone else, and his relationship with the OP is quite possibly emotional.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He may be married to someone else, and his relationship with the OP is quite possibly emotional.

Aren't the dangers of having friends of the opposite gender that you confine in/feel close too -evident in this thread?

We should keep it casual between the opposite gender, or it may result in things like this where ush relations can become a refuge when things get tough...

To the OP: If you have had physical contact with another man during marriage, then you know better than any of us what to do/not to do. No need to discuss such on SC.

/Ws

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I read this:

I have found love elsewhere after a long time and it was not planned and want to throw up from guilt!! This other person has been by my side for almost 4 yrs, but I am more religious thatn he is... I never EVER want to hurt my husband, thats not who i am!!!!

I assumed the lady was talking euphemistically. This second dude who's been dishing out the love for four years and not expecting anything more physical in the meantime must have the patience of a saint.

Cheating doesn't necessarily involve physical relations although the probability of developing such relations in such a case are very high. Anyways, they might be meeting each other's emotional needs. Or, the the other guy is meeting the OP's need but he himself is just playing. There are many possibilities.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aren't the dangers of having friends of the opposite gender that you confine in/feel close too -evident in this thread?

We should keep it casual between the opposite gender, or it may result in things like this where ush relations can become a refuge when things get tough...

If you are married, yes, it is important to keep the relations with the members of opposite gender as to-the-point as possible since you are committed to someone. But the thing is that in a troubled marriage, the partner who is at a relative disadvantage and whose needs are not being met sometimes subconsciously finds someone who fills those gaps. This is in most cases accidental. You don't want to do it. You don't intend to do it. You are unhappy that you did it. Yet you do it. I should also add that such cases don't necessarily explain the character of the people involved. Self-discipline is the most difficult thing. Humans falter.

You have stated repeatedly, and for some reason the posters haven't noticed that you have been cheating on your husband for 4 years now. Although i understand the circumstances that led you to where you are, this in no way, NO way justifies what you are doing and it is 100% wrong and needs to end immediately. I don't understand how you can ever hope to fall in love with your husband again when you are in love with another man? And if he ever finds out about what you are doing then your relationship is most likely going to be over anyway. So my advice, you need to stop your relationship with this other man immediately. Adultery is one of the greatest sins, if you died today you would most likely go to hell.

End the relationship immediately or you will not advance or change your situation. That is my advice.

Oh please Batoul, it isn't your prerogative to throw a decision on someone's destiny in the Hereafter. Your advice is spot on but you have ruined it with the highlighted line.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are married, yes, it is important to keep the relations with the members of opposite gender as to-the-point as possible since you are committed to someone. But the thing is that in a troubled marriage, the partner who is at a relative disadvantage and whose needs are not being met sometimes subconsciously finds someone who fills those gaps. This is in most cases accidental. You don't want to do it. You don't intend to do it. You are unhappy that you did it. Yet you do it. I should also add that such cases don't necessarily explain the character of the people involved. Self-discipline is the most difficult thing. Humans falter.

Oh please Batoul, it isn't your prerogative to throw a decision on someone's destiny in the Hereafter. Your advice is spot on but you have ruined it with the highlighted line.

After I read batool's comments I cried so hard and so badly..that I felt I have no hope!!! These people are so quick to judge so thank you sooooo much for your kind response!! People think they know a lil religion and its okay to condemn people!! How could she say such a thing???? I only came here for help- NOT SYMPATHY!!! I am old enough to feel confident in myself not tho throw myproblems at others...I came here because someone said i should and look what I got!! I was locked out of my own topic!! Arent we supposed to help the problems of today and tomorrow...where is the REAL ISLAM????

He may be married to someone else, and his relationship with the OP is quite possibly emotional.

he is absolutely does!!! A very good human being, but we all falter!! It was never pre meditated!! I know so many "religious" people who are in worse situations, an the responses that I have received are cruel!!! Thank you for being gentle!!! Believe me , it goes a long way not to hurt others

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After I read batool's comments I cried so hard and so badly..that I felt I have no hope!!! These people are so quick to judge so thank you sooooo much for your kind response!! People think they know a lil religion and its okay to condemn people!! How could she say such a thing???? I only came here for help- NOT SYMPATHY!!! I am old enough to feel confident in myself not tho throw myproblems at others...I came here because someone said i should and look what I got!! I was locked out of my own topic!! Arent we supposed to help the problems of today and tomorrow...where is the REAL ISLAM????

This board is the last place to come for advice on issues as personal and as sensitive as yours. It is advised that you actually consult a qualified counsellor. About dishing out judgments on people's characters and their destinies, it, sadly, happens repeatedly on ShiaChat.

You're welcome.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This board is the last place to come for advice on issues as personal and as sensitive as yours. It is advised that you actually consult a qualified counsellor. About dishing out judgments on people's characters and their destinies, it, sadly, happens repeatedly on ShiaChat.

You're welcome.

I dont know you, but I just prayed to Allah to grant your wishes because you warmed my heart!!! Thank you so very much!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...