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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Please Help Me! - I'm So Lost!

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I just wanted some advice...not criticism...

about his wife? well honestly i don't have any feelings towards that.

*she asked for 50 thousand dollars for a divorce in her marriage...

in my marriage with him...

* i had to nominate something, and i said 5 cents, because i didn't want anything.

So with saying that, i believe she wouldn't love him if she asks for this?

Read these informative books:

Islam & Women’s Rights


The Rights of Women In Islam


Marriage & Morals In Islam


Mutah Marriage


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Dear Muslim Friends... ( please have patience while i explain everything )

I am a 21 yr old Australian girl who fell in love un-expectidly with a Muslim (SHIA) man.

* At the time (last year) he wasn't very close to his religion and was doing many Harram things, including seeing many women.

* I was just a girl with not many beliefs, so i just enjoyed spending time with him.

A few months later, he went overseas to marry a woman who is Shia (i think was planned by his family)

(i knew this at the time and it didn't bother me, as we were not serious with each other then)

- I believe, he did this to start a fresh and Good life, to do the right thing??

* When he was away, i was VERY upset and i knew then, i fell in love with him.

* He came back and brought her back to this country, he was married to her.

- 2 weeks later, he told me he was very upset and he made a big mistake!!

* we talked many times and i wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be with me.

So we did a Mut'a marriage, so he wasn't doing anything Harram - as he could not leave his wife straight away -

(He would have to pay her a large sum of money to divorce her, which he doesnt have. Also dissappointment to his family for the short marriage.)

I have been waiting for this Man for nearly 1 year now...with constant pain, not being able to be with him and knowing he is going home to another woman.

* He has told me many times that he hates going home or even being home and i know this for the truth. He is in a lot of pain, i see that all the time!

Since i have been with him, i read the Qur'an and try to do best by Allah. I don't call myself Muslim, as i don't know enough to say that.

I wait for him to leave her everyday, but i don't know what to do?

He always says the time is not right.

But when is the time right? I am in so much pain, waiting for this long..i love him more than anything in the world

Friends, please help, i am in so much pain, please help!!

Dear Sister,

The first and foremost thing you have to do is decide whether or not you are Muslim. If you are reciting Quran and doing your best, then thats a step you've taken, you need to proclaim your belief, find out more if you need to.

Then you need to pray sincerely for Allah to show you a path for this..

Consider everyone involved. Does his wife know about you too? will she be heartbroken if he leaves her? Will his family be really upset with him? upset enough to stop talking to him, or will they support his decision?

Remember, causing a divorce between husband and wife is hard enough, but breaking a family is a big deal. it'll all be alright the first few months and then maybe someday he'll resent you for causing this much trouble - u can never tell!..

The mere fact that he is putting off the divorce shows that it will cause him pain to do so. he probably is sincere in that he wants to, but it scared of the consequences, as anyone would be. If you can stay away from him, and it will help him to make his marriage work, his family stay together, and keep him on the right path, then you should know that you will be making a great sacrifice for which you will be rewarded. If you cant do that then at least give him some time to make sure things are okay before he jumps into this and hurts a lot of the people he loves and cares for.

These are my views.

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What sort of help you want from SC members?

First of all, I give you my sincere wishes of peace. You are an ugly situation. Let me tell you this. Muta is haram. Muta is nothing more than prostitution. It's a way of "making it okay" to have sex and pretend that God doesn't know that you don't really have the intent to honor him. God is not stupid, okay. Sunni Muslims do not believe in Muta, it literally means "pleasure" which is for whom? The man? I do hope at least he gave you a dowry because that is an important part of this fiction. Any man who fools around with a woman, Muslim or not and who does not honor that woman immediately with his protection, his honor and love should be forgotten. Your sin was, forgive me for saying this, was being in haram situations with this man. You should have never dated him, seen him alone, and should have had a male relative interview him and make sure his intentions were right, if you did not have those relatives you certainly could have found a priest or other clergy. You have to understand in Islam marriage is "contractual" and not so much about affection because affection leads us astray. I would urge you to leave this man, and to not worry about any Islamic notion of dissolving this since it literally is fake. If you desire to be a part of Islam find a path that is far away from this man since he is NOT a Muslim man, he clearly was living outside Islam in the first place. I call them sleepers, they step in Islam when its convenient and step out when it isn't. If he's drinking alcohol and doing haram things leave him. You can't fix him and you can't make him love an respect you. Muslim men who are not good men will always "talk" about Islam allowing more than one wife. A good Muslim man will not do this nor exercise this. This is outdated, no longer needed and most Persians don't have second wives, though they may have mistresses, which is what even the wife in a Muta should be called. Think about yourself, you sound very young. Forget this man, let him take care of his real wife, and children who will come. I guarantee you that he is only going to make you miserable as time goes on. This is not Islam.


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You are technically not very relevant or important in his life. You need to move on because he is already married. If he cared for you, he wouldn't made the mistake of marrying someone else. You are making a big mistake trying to convince yourself that they is still something between the two of you.

InshaAllah you will find a pious spouse who will cherish you.

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Muta is haram. Muta is nothing more than prostitution.

Before poiting finger to any other sect, just poke your nose in your own sect.

READ.....(Sunni's believe in Misyar Marriage, which is the worst form of prostitution)

Misyar Marriage


Misyar Marriage


Edited by Your-Best-Friend

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like all the best to you and your journey we all r going thru somethings we all have issues my advice for u my dear is frankly this be close to God and beleive in him he is Al Karreem (all giver) so let is will 4 you come to pass live yr life for him and pray child pray this is the best for you you are wasting precious time with God, wasting time on him give yuor time for God and pray and believe with all that is within you and this will help guarrenteed but you must be patient because he knows what we know not for he sees all things. This could be bad for you since you love him but it could be what is best 4 you getting closer to God in your life and what could be better than getting closer to God 4 he is the Al risq the provider. peace to you and may you come toAllah with submission.

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I'm quite suprised by the lack of empathy and akhlaq of some shiachat members with regards to this thread.

May Allah forgive you all.

Allah is the best of judges, so i would advise you all to please refrain from passing your judgements on a situation that you have not experienced.

And muta is not haram.

Edited by princessfatima

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Salam "unknown girl",

I hope you do come back and read at least some of the responses you've gotten on the forum... I can't imagine the agony of the situation you've found yourself in, and you probably don't have anyone in your real life to talk to about it either because for sure, no one would understand!

My advice is to read the sources that Your-Best-Friend provided. Learn more about muta - what does it mean, when is it ok, and when is it not ok. For example, you'll find that muta is generally not allowed when the man is already married to a Muslim wife - or that he needs her permission (someone correct me if I'm wrong). So you being a secret muta wife is not right.

Second, you need to learn more about Islam in general if you are truly interested in the religion. www.al-islam.org is a great place to start. Get a copy of the Quran and just start reading that too.

Further, even IF this guy were serious about you, he knows that he can't divorce his wife very easily at all, especially since it sounds like his family picked her out and practically forced him into it. For him, going against his family would be unthinkable. It sounds like he is trying to have a 'respectful' relationship with you by having muta, but perhaps he isn't very familiar with all the rules that go along with it, since he can't have a secret muta wife when he's already married. His wife has no blame in all of this, and certainly doesn't deserve him going behind her back and not even making an effort to make the relationship work. It's just a big mess, and in the end, he'll have to choose his wife because she's the legal, permanent one accepted by his family and his society. You hanging around in the shadows will only cause a lot of problems between him and his wife, him and his family, and also him and you. I don't see any good coming of it.

My overall advice to you is: turn to God and ask for His guidance. Only He knows what is best for you, and only He is the true supporter and protector, most merciful and most loving.

In the end, there are a lot of good, honorable guys out there, who would be proud to have you as their wife, and not hide you in secrecy and fear. You deserve better than that. Have some dignity and respect for yourself, and don't allow anyone to treat you otherwise. And, since you stated yourself that mostly you weren't serious about him and only began to 'love' him when he was gone, this is pretty indicative that you probably just wanted him when he was no longer yours and now belongs to someone else. Pretty basic psychology - a guy standing there by himself won't attract a lot of attention, but a guy with at least one female pawing all over him will attract other females by the droves - and vice versa. Go back mentally to when you were together with him and ask yourself what made you not really that serious about him. Perhaps then you'll be able to see that in reality, you likely don't love him, you just want him now that someone else has him.

Edited by sukaina_08

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I hate to tell you, but he's not going to leave his nikah wife for you. He would lose face in front of his family and tribe for divorcing her, and even more if he left her for you, a Western non-Muslim. He may be miserable, but remember he is the product of a collective society. He will not do anything to dishonor his family or tribe no matter what the cost.

I know that sounds harsh, but I've been there, done that, still dealing with the heartache from an almost identical situation. We tried doing the "secret second wife" thing, which caused nothing but stress and pain for both of us. Finally we both decided to call it quits, and now we're more like brother and sister. Since all of my family are non-Muslim, he has taken the role of matchmaker, and is helping me search for a suitable Muslim husband. Unfortunately that seems to be an impossible task since there are so few single Shi'a men nearby and even fewer that are my age. But, inshAllah soon we will be successful. At least I hope so - I'm very tired of being alone.

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