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In the Name of God بسم الله

Women Getting Older And No Marriage

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This is something that gets me depressed. Seeing a girl get older with no suitable men to marry. I am not a girl and I dont know how they feel, but I know of religious girls in the 27+ range who are not married and when I look around I can't see any men suitable for them. I feel depressed just thinking about how they must feel :( . What can we do to help them, apart from marrying them? Maybe they can handle it better than us men would?

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^Most cases the person has already been in a marriage and it has not been successful for many reasons. Some actually wait to that age to get married, or can't find the right person. Several more reasons, I suppose the best way you can help is by offering any of your support whenever possible, be it financial or in any other means. Perhaps you can help her find a potential spouse, but only if she requests for help. I understand where you're coming from, but like I said, there can be many reasons to it, so its best to keep our nose out in situations like these unless the person is a close relative.

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This is something that gets me depressed. Seeing a girl get older with no suitable men to marry. I am not a girl and I dont know how they feel, but I know of religious girls in the 27+ range who are not married and when I look around I can't see any men suitable for them. I feel depressed just thinking about how they must feel :( . What can we do to help them, apart from marrying them? Maybe they can handle it better than us men would?

ASA

As a woman who is over the age of thirty and who also recently married, there is hope. First and foremost I trusted Allah to provide my husband to me. I did not have a preconcieved idea of his looks, education, race, or location I just had trust. And lo and behold he came. Not the same race as me, and a Shia. We have been married for three years and we are happy. Many women are just too picky. They want a religious man but not too religious, get my point? They want a good looking man, a man who is well educated though they may not be, a man who can "teach them Islam" and so forth. I trusted Allah to know what I needed because my "nafs" did not know what I needed, "nafs" know what you "desire". So, the question to ask is are these women able to set aside "desire" and accept the most humble and available brother at the Masjid or do they turn up their nose? I have tried to fix my "over thirty" women friends with men who are available and who desire wives but these women are so hard to please as to almost be ridiculous. He's too skinny, bald, or (too old?) hahah. But then these women are very willing to be a second wife to men who really aren't good husband material but wear a Kufi well, if you get my drift. So it's about Iman, and it's about knowing yourself and being humble enough to take what Allah gives us.

:P

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ASA

As a woman who is over the age of thirty and who also recently married, there is hope. First and foremost I trusted Allah to provide my husband to me. I did not have a preconcieved idea of his looks, education, race, or location I just had trust. And lo and behold he came. Not the same race as me, and a Shia. We have been married for three years and we are happy. Many women are just too picky. They want a religious man but not too religious, get my point? They want a good looking man, a man who is well educated though they may not be, a man who can "teach them Islam" and so forth. I trusted Allah to know what I needed because my "nafs" did not know what I needed, "nafs" know what you "desire". So, the question to ask is are these women able to set aside "desire" and accept the most humble and available brother at the Masjid or do they turn up their nose? I have tried to fix my "over thirty" women friends with men who are available and who desire wives but these women are so hard to please as to almost be ridiculous. He's too skinny, bald, or (too old?) hahah. But then these women are very willing to be a second wife to men who really aren't good husband material but wear a Kufi well, if you get my drift. So it's about Iman, and it's about knowing yourself and being humble enough to take what Allah gives us.

:P

Yeah well maturity brings a sense of whats really important. Most teenage girls these days are out of their mind yet want to settle down asap.

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^Most cases the person has already been in a marriage and it has not been successful for many reasons. Some actually wait to that age to get married, or can't find the right person. Several more reasons, I suppose the best way you can help is by offering any of your support whenever possible, be it financial or in any other means. Perhaps you can help her find a potential spouse, but only if she requests for help. I understand where you're coming from, but like I said, there can be many reasons to it, so its best to keep our nose out in situations like these unless the person is a close relative.

Yes, keep your nose out of it, as in dont spread something about someone that will hurt their reputation or hurt them in any way, but also take this as a lesson that YOU MUST rectify in your lifetime, find out the reason why its happening, figure out solutions to the problem...and finally, revel in the fact that the world is a little better off than before because of your tiny efforts.

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One solution is to form a centralized committee that handles all shia singles that are having a hard time finding a spouse. The committee will be for this specific purpose alone, to help those that are not able to find spouses (or maybe are not willing to put their respect on the line by going to their local communities or to friends for help). The people who are in this committee are essentially doing one job, to be the "middle person", bringing as many suitors to each party who comes to them. The reason for the "middle person" is to not have either party indulge too much personal information, for the sake of redeeming their dignity and honor in the case that the match doesnt go to fruition. This is especially true for family's looking for their daughter. I cant emphasize enough that this type of system needs to be centralized, therefore to give each person who comes to them the most optimum results. If everyone came to them, that would be a pretty big pool, therefore guaranteeing as many compatible matches as possible.

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keep your nose out of it??????????? are we even following the same religion??? it is this attitude which is partially to blame for the predicament that these girls find themselves in. if you know the girl personally and you know of a suitable person then get them to meet.

when i ask what can we do, i am asking us to offer help. if they want it then good otherwise leave it. i am not asking to spread rumors!!!!! dont you even think that these girls will be happy if more people were willing to help out?

edit -- basha, i just saw your second post . makes sense

Edited by The Warrior
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Salam Brother,

I admire you for your concern, may Allah reward you for it. It takes a big person to think of others and that's the true spirit of Islam. InshaAllah I pray there will come a day when all muslims adopt the true conduct and thinking of Islam. We have so many great rules and examples in place, that following them simply wouldn't allow our communities to breed such issues in their current volume. Looking at our communities over the last ten years, Alhamd'h things are slowly getting there cos of the handfull of true carers and grafters among us - imagine how good we could make things if we all chipped in! ........InshaAllah......one day!

keep up the true spirit

Wassalam

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Perhaps you got me wrong when I said 'keep your nose out of it'

I was intending to highlight that you must respect someone elses position in life at the moment, I mean, if everyone came to that girl and asked "why are you not married yet?" - just imagine how she would start feeling about herself. That is why I said if you are not a close family member, its best to stay out of it

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Al salamo Alikom

First you have to excuse my English (it’s not that good) but anyway I just would like to reply to your post from my own experience...

I am a women and over 35 and not married ,, I am enjoying my life to da maximum I don’t think you should be married to be happy .. I can see a lot of married women are living in hell and so little of them are happily married... so I guess not being married it’s a good thing for me (god knows what is the best for me) I rather be single the rest of my life than having a miserable marriage life ..

We are not too picky nor keeping our hopes high... I guess at this age when you think about your ideal person all you are looking for is honesty and respect... maybe when I was in my early 20s preferred a good looking guy but not anymore our chooses changes when you get older I guess ,,,

But I guess these days it’s very hard to find a guy who respect you for who you are and be honest and sincere...

Thanks

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preferred a good looking guy but not anymore our chooses changes when you get older I guess ,,,

But I guess these days it’s very hard to find a guy who respect you for who you are and be honest and sincere...

Thanks

Thanks for the sincerity in your post :)

I think this goes out to all of us who are potentially thinking to look for a spouse. Our visions sometimes can be blurred with influences such as movies, fantasies etc, in the end, I think the most fundamental thing is respect, honesty and sincereity and obviously - piety! looks change over time, but values don't!

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Both the families are to be blamed. Most of the parents of the girls and the girls themselves dream about a perfect man. Most of them need a man with much education, much money, much bank balance, own house and beauty. Now these unique creatures are quite rare therefore, they get older and then they have to look even matriculate doing a low paying jobs etc.

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Both the families are to be blamed. Most of the parents of the girls and the girls themselves dream about a perfect man. Most of them need a man with much education, much money, much bank balance, own house and beauty. Now these unique creatures are quite rare therefore, they get older and then they have to look even matriculate doing a low paying jobs etc.

I totally disagree with you brother … nowadays I guess most of the females got a job .. so I don’t think a money is an issue for them nor an education cause they are going to school and as a matter of fact they are doing better than the guys .. so I guess the prince charming is not anymore someone who has a higher education nor a high balance in the bank account .. I guess the prince charming now a days is the most romantic and more respecting and most honest ..

Did you question yourself once maybe this women (your friend) no-one actually proposed to her maybe she is not that pretty for a guy as you know guys these days they have their own criteria for their dream girl …

At least our criteria for our dream man is reasonable but what about the guys’s criteria for their dream girl ?? They demand and they are very picky as well and in the end they are lazybones they just don’t do anything.

I guess we do have a right to choose whom we wana marry ..likewise men have their right to choose whoever they wana marry ..

Don’t feel sorry for your friend.. I am sure she is doing much better without an XY …

Cheears ..

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(bismillah)

"And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect" (30:21).

It is reported that the Prophet (a.s.) said "

'There has not been created any institution in Islam which is more favoured and dearer to Allah than marriage'.

Also:

"Whoever loves my nature, will follow my traditions and among my traditions is marriage." (Makaaremul Akhlaq by Sheikh Tabarsi)"

"No foundation of Islam is as beloved and as mighty as the foundation and institution of marriage." (Mustadrak, Vol. 2, Pg. 531).

"When a youngster marries early in his youth Shaitaan cries out of desperation and says, Alas! this person has protected one third of his religion , now he will protect the remaining two thirds also." (from Mustadrakul Wasail)

(to one of his companions who wanted to remain single) "O Akkaaf! woe unto you, get married, get married because now you are enumerated among the sinners. Get married, otherwise you will be counted among the strayed ones. Get married, otherwise you will be listed among the Christian priests. Get married, otherwise you will be named among the brethren of Shaitaan." (Mustadrak, Vol. 2, Pg. 531).

"Among the good fortunes of a man is to have a good wife." (Furoo-e-Kafi, Vol. 5, Pg. 327).

"Those believers who marry, protect half of their religion from danger."(Wasailush Shia, Vol. 5, Pg. 1)

"Two rakaats of a married person is better than seventy rakaats of an unmarried one." (Wasailush Shia, Vol. 5, Pg. 1)

"Whoever marries, protects half of his religion, then for the remaining half he must only fear God." (La'alil Akhbar). (Wasailush Shia, Vol. 5, Pg. 1)

"A sleeping married man is better than a fasting unmarried man." (La'alil Akhbar).

'A man who is not married, even though he may be wealthy is surely poor and needy: and the same is true for a woman." (Was'il al-Shia'h, vol 14, p 3. )

"Imam Sadiq (as) asked a man: 'Are you married?" The man replied "no". The Imam stated: 'I would not like to stay unmarried even for one night, even if I were to own the whole world'." (Ibid. )

http://www.al-islam.org/marriageandfamily/

http://www.al-islam.org/about/contributions/marriage.html

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Women Getting Older And No Marriage

Here is a list of issues that maybe contributing to this problem (my opinion):

1. Girls (age18-24) are being very picky.

2. Their parents might have unrealistic demands.

3. Syed/non-syed, race, culture, language, and other self-imposed restrictions of these sorts.

4. Live in a small shia community.

5. Lack of networking skills.

6. Making marriage as the last item on your priority list.

7. Finding a guy who isn't scared of commitment.

WS

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The main problem is that our community is WAY too small. I think we need to make a better effort to expand our community.

Well this is always going to be a problem if you live in a predominantly non-Muslim country. And then it also depends on the size of your community in the place/city/state you live in. I don't know what do you mean by community. I'm assuming Shia Muslim community but it could mean Shia Muslim Pakistani community, or Shia Muslim Pakistani-Sayed community, or Shia Muslim Khoja community, or Shia Muslim Arab community, or Shia Muslim Arab-Iraqi commnity, or Shia Muslim Arab-Iraqi-Najafi community etc - so writing off ALL non-this-or-that people as potential spouses. So in the end you are left with little choice except for the long list of your funny looking first or second cousins usually from 'back home'. LOL.

Women Getting Older And No Marriage

Here is a list of issues that maybe contributing to this problem (my opinion):

1. Girls (age18-24) are being very picky.

2. Their parents might have unrealistic demands.

3. Syed/non-syed, race, culture, language, and other self-imposed restrictions of these sorts.

4. Live in a small shia community.

5. Lack of networking skills.

6. Making marriage as the last item on your priority list.

7. Finding a guy who isn't scared of commitment.

WS

+1

In my experience, #2 and #3 are the major and unfortunate reasons for this.

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Actually, I was referring to the Shia community as a whole. You are right though, if we just broke down other cultural barriers, our community would effectively be "larger."

Are you guys saying that girls that are not 18-24 are less picky? Why do you think that is? Are we considered old maids once we get older than 24?

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I haven't read the entire thread so I may be going off on a tangent. Here's why it's hard to get married: we are all so spread out. Also, growing up, I always assumed that I would get married through the arranged marriage system, especially since a lot of the girls around me were getting married through that system. When it came time for me to get married, however, the system began evolving toward a more find-yourself-a-spouse type of system, and I somehow didn't get the memo that there was a change. It kind of hit me a bit late that I needed to become more proactive (although hopefully not too late).

One solution is to form a centralized committee that handles all shia singles that are having a hard time finding a spouse. The committee will be for this specific purpose alone, to help those that are not able to find spouses (or maybe are not willing to put their respect on the line by going to their local communities or to friends for help). The people who are in this committee are essentially doing one job, to be the "middle person", bringing as many suitors to each party who comes to them. The reason for the "middle person" is to not have either party indulge too much personal information, for the sake of redeeming their dignity and honor in the case that the match doesnt go to fruition. This is especially true for family's looking for their daughter. I cant emphasize enough that this type of system needs to be centralized, therefore to give each person who comes to them the most optimum results. If everyone came to them, that would be a pretty big pool, therefore guaranteeing as many compatible matches as possible.

I have been thinking the exact same thing! It would be really nice if we had this. Now is there a way that we can arrange for this?

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(salam)

Its because of their own stupidity ... They are looking for an ideal which never exists... They would reject decent proposals on the basis of looks and money ...Or he is not a syed . or he doesnt have a British Passport or an American Passport ... let them be doomed .. why worry about such stupid girls... and waste our resources on them ...

Peace

Edited by labbaik_khamenai
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Wise girls settle for Mr Good Enough

Her stark message ran directly counter to the neofeminist Sex and the Cityperpetuated mantra that we should all hold out for The One because we’re worth it. “Don’t worry about passion or intense connection,” Gottlieb wrote, “because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go.

Her words set off a furore that the book has now reignited. Last week, as Marry Him came out in America, the papers were full of thirtysomethings passionately arguing that every girl should hold out for Mr Perfect against others who believe practicality rules: that Mr Second Best is better than Mr Nobody.

I married my husband for love but I’d be lying if I said that Gottlieb’s dry-eyed observation that family life is not about bodice-ripping passion but akin to “running a small tedious non-profit business” didn’t affect me. Besides, at 33 I wasn’t getting any younger. Woe betide the naive singleton who assumes her choice of men will widen, rather than narrow, with time.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article7009556.ece

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I would agree with the above post and say that, in my experience, the primary reason to get married young is that the older you get the greater the divide between your requirements and the available pool of spouses. Of course, Allah (s.w.a.) can bless anyone with marriage at any age (and one should never give up hope), however, it's better not to turn away a good believer that comes to you with the intention of marriage because you can never be sure that the same opportunity will come along again.

I have personally known more then one person who has refused to marry a believer because of looks, financial situation, "cultural incompatibility", etc. and has later in life regretted this decision and wished that they could go "back in time" and marry that person (who was, of course, no longer available).

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