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In the Name of God بسم الله

I Dont Want To Be A Co Wife

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muslimsister

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salamwalaikum.I know islam says that muslims can have up to 4 wives at a time.but it isnt obligatory on all of us.so me not wanting to be a co wife is that haram?when i believe polygamy is a blessing on some but myself would gain more pain than anything.and i would divorce my hussband if he took another wife.is this haram? i couldnt be a good wife to him if he did....i would sin if he did. but is it wrong to refuse to be a co wife? because you know you cant take that situation and would sin or end your marriage? i honestly would leave .i wouldnt waste a day in that situation.becuase i would sin in it.and rather be a mans only wife.one women is enough for most men so its not always sex thats the issue.but i just need to know am i wrong?men expect to be their wifes only partner.but unfortuanatly we cant expect the same and that causes issues with self esteem.i would seek another man if he seeked another women...please tell me something i hope im not wrong for being a better muslim if im a single wife of a man.i would not be a good muslim and as it says polygamy is not wajib,so i do not have to partake in it even tho i do support its values.

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salamwalaikum. i am a sister who is married for a long time now.and happily married.mashaAllah.but a sister asked me if i would ever be a co wife and honestly i would not and could nto handle it tho i do support the patient ones who do.But i would not be able to have relations with a man who is doing the same with another women.i cant be a wife to a man who has another wife basically and would leave if that happened to me. now i cant handle it is the point and it isnt obligatory.i do my fullest best to fulfil my husband and my family affairs and according to him i do quite fine.alhamdulilah. but others will say i am wrong for wanting to be the only wife.i am not trying to be selfish my family is poor anyway.but either way its not about wealth and material that i dont want a co wife its about personal relations with my husband.i could not fulfil him and make him happy because i would be unhappy the fact he would touch another women would kill me.and i would leave.i grew up in polygamous places with friends and fam who partake in it and i support and love them and they support me too. but some say i am wrong and should get another wife for my husband. he doesnt want one so why should i? and i couldnt handle it so why take it on? im noticing more pressure from the outside then from within my marriage. but then he also says im jealous...i am.. but i also feel it is nasty to share a man sexually i dont want another womens private palce on my husband and it would disgust me and i would leave him either way. men i understand why for more reasons that sex and i admire those who do polygamay..please advice

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Sister, if you don't want to share your husband. Then i don't see why you should be forced to. And if he also doesn't feel he wants another wife then what anyone else thinks doesn't matter. Can i ask where you are from.i.e eastern country or western?

Those people who are pressuring you have obviously nothing better to do other than poking their noses in where its not wanted. Who are they to say that you are being selfish or unjust to yourr husband by not 'getting him another wife' why on earth would he want another when he's got you. Who obviously loves him and cares for his needs.

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salamwalaikum. i am a sister who is married for a long time now.and happily married.mashaAllah.but a sister asked me if i would ever be a co wife and honestly i would not and could nto handle it tho i do support the patient ones who do.But i would not be able to have relations with a man who is doing the same with another women.i cant be a wife to a man who has another wife basically and would leave if that happened to me. now i cant handle it is the point and it isnt obligatory.i do my fullest best to fulfil my husband and my family affairs and according to him i do quite fine.alhamdulilah. but others will say i am wrong for wanting to be the only wife.i am not trying to be selfish my family is poor anyway.but either way its not about wealth and material that i dont want a co wife its about personal relations with my husband.i could not fulfil him and make him happy because i would be unhappy the fact he would touch another women would kill me.and i would leave.i grew up in polygamous places with friends and fam who partake in it and i support and love them and they support me too. but some say i am wrong and should get another wife for my husband. he doesnt want one so why should i? and i couldnt handle it so why take it on? im noticing more pressure from the outside then from within my marriage. but then he also says im jealous...i am.. but i also feel it is nasty to share a man sexually i dont want another womens private palce on my husband and it would disgust me and i would leave him either way. men i understand why for more reasons that sex and i admire those who do polygamay..please advice

Advise what? Your husband doesn't want to remarry and neither do you.. so what do you want advice about? You want someone to validate your reasoning? Yes, sharing someone isn't a lot of fun, which is why mature adults commit themselves to someone they love and try their best to make that one, stable relationship work. The rest of society gets divorced or, if they are shia, do mutah because they lack the emotional maturity necessary for marriage but are unable to keep it in their pants.

Tell your family that while you appreciate their unnecessary, inappropriate meddling into your personal affairs, you will pass on the "share the love" option. If your husband is saying you are "jealous," do what any intelligent woman would do if she were in your shoes- make him so jealous he never levels that sort of "errr duh" criticism ever again. Let us give him the benefits of the doubt and say he is just trying to be cute and failing miserably.. rather than putting an intense amount of pressure on his wife that results in her posting frantically on shiachat.

*I just ended a 4 hour cram session, so maybe there was a question in there that I glossed over? Ah well, screw it.

Edited by Zahratul_Islam
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do what any intelligent woman would do if she were in your shoes- make him so jealous he never levels that sort of "errr duh" criticism ever again. Let us hope he is just trying to be cute and failing miserably, rather than putting pressure on his wife.

*I just ended a 4 hour cram session, so maybe there was a question in there that I glossed over? Ah well, screw it.

I am sorry but that jealousy tactic is getting old and more significantly is simply counter productive. Where are you getting that from anyway? you have probably never been in a relationship you teeny.

To the OP, get over it, we all know we have more significant problems lending to our miserable existence than sharing of our spouses. You kidding me??

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(salam)

To the OP... I do not understand why you are worried. You and your husband are both against the idea of your husband marrying again and that's all that matters! Just tell others (including close relatives) to mind their own business if they try to touch the topic again. It's such a personal decision and no outsider has the right to budge their way into this matter.

No wonder the girls today are stipulating this 'no co-wife' condition on their marriage contract :dry:

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Ok so a popular sunni shiekh in the states (sheikh waleed basyouni) once said ....

Note to readers: sorry im quoting a sunni sheikh... it was a lecture i went to, back when I thought Sunni Islam was the only path, and never looked into anything else

...that one of the prophets daughters (not sure which one) when she was getting married, the prophet in her marriage contract specified that if her husband marries another wife, she has the right to divorce him with all her rights. The shiekh mentioned that one must note that the marriage contract (ie. nikkah) did not go against something that is permissible in Islam (ie. having four wives) by saying that the husband is not allowed to marry anyone else, but rather, the nikkah put terms and conditions to this.

So I guess something you can take away from this is the fact that even the prophets daughter did not want a husband with multiple wives... so you shouldn't feel that it is a negative trait in your character. It is just your personal preference, and no one should have the right to meddle in your husband and your relationship.

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but some say i am wrong and should get another wife for my husband

Tell them to buzz off.

I don't understand for the life of me as to why you pay heed to such "advice" or even entertain the people who give it. If I was in your place, I would screw the happiness of the person, giving the "advice", so bad.

Let us give him the benefits of the doubt and say he is just trying to be cute and failing miserably.. rather than putting an intense amount of pressure on his wife that results in her posting frantically on shiachat.

LOL!

Edited by Whizbee
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Salam,

From a husband's perspective I can't image a scenario in which these sister's fears would be realized. It seems she is simply worried about a hypothetical scenario which seems unlikely to actually occur (based on my understanding of what she is saying). If a husband loves his wife he would be very unlikely (in my experience) to marry another wife under normal circumstances. Of course, if their is no love in the marriage and it's heading toward divorce then he would likely end his marriage before taking on another wife. What women often forget is that if the man is religious then he also fears sinning and understands that in most cases the complications and risks or plural marriage are not worth the benefit (under normal circumstances). Of course, if the husband is not religious or is not careful about his religion then this is the real problem (and not the hypothetical situation discussed here).

Our great religion recognizes the realities of our complex and diverse life situations and provides solutions that preserve the respect and dignity of each individual. For this reason, rules regarding marriage reflect this. However, it should not be assumed that because a man has the option of marrying another wife that he will avil himself of this because (if he fears Allah (s.w.a.)) he will not put himself in jeopardy (of sinning by being unjust) or ignore the feelings and idea's of the women he loves. Of course, their are some situations in which plural marriage is beneficial and good...but these are the exceptional cases.

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I can't believe that nobody has yet brought up the issue of a man marrying a second wife to protect himself from sin!

Yes, THEORETICALLY you can go on about "if he has no taqwa, if he is a bad man, etc. then and only then will he take other wives." yeah right. whatever floats your boat....

BUT... Did the Prophet (saw) and the Imams say any of these things? Are they all suddenly "bad people with no taqwa who don't love their wives"?

It's interesting to note that despite all the claims that polygamy is only allowed in a "few cases", most of the Imams and also most of the prominent Sahaba (both Shia and Sunni) practiced it. The Prophet (saw) NEVER told them "divorce all but one of your wives, you are doing something haraam!" Technically, polygamy IS part of the Prophet's sunnah. And now look where we are today, bashing it without mercy as if Gloria Steinem has somehow abrogated Muhammad (pbuh) and the Qur'an. Astaghfirullah.

It's true that polygamy is NOT for everyone, and if neither husband nor wife wants it, then their friends have NO RIGHT to force it on them. So, muslimsister, don't listen to them and let your husband deal with them, if he doesn't want it either, then they seriously need to shut up.

But on the other hand we can't simply preach ourselves hoarse that "whatever the woman wants, goes", that is NOT Islam. If a man has a very warm, loving relationship with his wife, she's fertile, and he knows that he is her "everything", and he wants a new wife but he KNOWS it would break her heart, THEN he should think twice about polygamy. But let's not kid ourselves, Islam was not intended for the purpose of worshipping women and bowing unconditionally to every woman's selfish desire. Just keep this all in perspective.

Edited by Shia Shahid
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i see certain diseases are creeping into the minds of the shia women as well. la hawla wa la quwata ila billah.

you ladies think the wives of the prophet (saw) weren't "jealous"?

men should be mature about such things and not be morons trying to take more than one wife when theyre struggling with what theyve got, but hearing women bellow like heifers over something that Allah has made permissible should really tell you ladies that you need to check your iman billah.

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I can't believe that nobody has yet brought up the issue of a man marrying a second wife to protect himself from sin!

Yes, THEORETICALLY you can go on about "if he has no taqwa, if he is a bad man, etc. then and only then will he take other wives." yeah right. whatever floats your boat....

BUT... Did the Prophet (saw) and the Imams say any of these things? Are they all suddenly "bad people with no taqwa who don't love their wives"?

It's interesting to note that despite all the claims that polygamy is only allowed in a "few cases", most of the Imams and also most of the prominent Sahaba (both Shia and Sunni) practiced it. The Prophet (saw) NEVER told them "divorce all but one of your wives, you are doing something haraam!" Technically, polygamy IS part of the Prophet's sunnah. And now look where we are today, bashing it without mercy as if Gloria Steinem has somehow abrogated Muhammad (pbuh) and the Qur'an. Astaghfirullah.

It's true that polygamy is NOT for everyone, and if neither husband nor wife wants it, then their friends have NO RIGHT to force it on them. So, muslimsister, don't listen to them and let your husband deal with them, if he doesn't want it either, then they seriously need to shut up.

But on the other hand we can't simply preach ourselves hoarse that "whatever the woman wants, goes", that is NOT Islam. If a man has a very warm, loving relationship with his wife, she's fertile, and he knows that he is her "everything", and he wants a new wife but he KNOWS it would break her heart, THEN he should think twice about polygamy. But let's not kid ourselves, Islam was not intended for the purpose of worshipping women and bowing unconditionally to every woman's selfish desire. Just keep this all in perspective.

Ditto! :D

In case if your husband does end up marrying another lady.. u can file for divorce.. that is ur islamic right!

Also, taqwa has nothing to do with having a 2nd wife!

On the contrary, if you have the fear of Allah, you will accept her as ur husband's lawfully wedded wife and give her the due respect and care!

Edited by dan_rafi
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Or maybe, if the husband has fear of Allah, he won't want to make another human being unhappy (his first wife). So yes, it has everything to do with taqwa, because only a person with taqwa will be considerate of another's feelings. Dan rafi, I have told you how taqwa has anything to do with being a second wife, but to disprove my comment, you can't just state that taqwa has nothing to do with having a second wife--you must state how or why. Otherwise your argument has no backbone.

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salamwalaikum. i am a sister who is married for a long time now.and happily married.mashaAllah.but a sister asked me if i would ever be a co wife and honestly i would not and could nto handle it tho i do support the patient ones who do.But i would not be able to have relations with a man who is doing the same with another women.i cant be a wife to a man who has another wife basically and would leave if that happened to me. now i cant handle it is the point and it isnt obligatory.i do my fullest best to fulfil my husband and my family affairs and according to him i do quite fine.alhamdulilah. but others will say i am wrong for wanting to be the only wife.i am not trying to be selfish my family is poor anyway.but either way its not about wealth and material that i dont want a co wife its about personal relations with my husband.i could not fulfil him and make him happy because i would be unhappy the fact he would touch another women would kill me.and i would leave.i grew up in polygamous places with friends and fam who partake in it and i support and love them and they support me too. but some say i am wrong and should get another wife for my husband. he doesnt want one so why should i? and i couldnt handle it so why take it on? im noticing more pressure from the outside then from within my marriage. but then he also says im jealous...i am.. but i also feel it is nasty to share a man sexually i dont want another womens private palce on my husband and it would disgust me and i would leave him either way. men i understand why for more reasons that sex and i admire those who do polygamay..please advice

Salaam,

i know exactly what you mean, but i dont agree, you are being possessive of your husband, and that is not good, a wife should not be like that, a husband can for his wife, but not vice versa, and this posessiveness takes you nowhere towards good at all, so try to get rid of it, and pray to Allah that you wont feel like this

Edited by FatimaZahra
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salam wa rahmah..basically I don't go against polygamy..but still there's some issues which need to be look and settled beforehand..and yes..I'm indeed agreed that polygamy does't meant or WAAJIB to everyone.....what I can see is most of men are using the taqwa reason to locate a 2nd..3rd or 4th suitors' wife but come to think bout it..a real taqwa man..won't marry outta lust..if the 2nd 3rd or 4th wives came from the needy and need protection..I dun c the reason to go against it unless if the 2nd,3rd of 4th wives area married due to the lust ,physical and financial attraction..rm..that's a real total objection..what is important is we have to learn to supress our nafs..my prayer goes to u ukhtik..

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why would you say men can be jealous but women cannot? just because men can practice polygyny doesn't mean women cannot be jealous for her husband. she needs to be jealous to let the marriage grow its the amount of jealousy that is the thing. over jealous is bad but jealousy is natural and present in men and women. If he does not want another wife do not worry,and if he does and it is right for him then that leaves you with 2 options leave or stay which is sad if the man knows his wife will leave him and he still does it than he has issues unless you have a bad marriage of course (im not saying that 0 :)

if the sister is jealous and in her life circumstances (the card Allah (swt) dealt her) then she doesn't and shouldn't be forced into polygyny by any one since she knows herself and her limits.I do not think any muslim should put another down because they don't practice polygyny because monogamy and polygyny are sunnah. you can do either and in certain cases polygyny is wajib on the male if he is rich and able or certain other reasons you can find in this forum and others.But face it some men don't want another women they are used to the one they have and accustomed to her cooking her over all being in his life and loving him,usually husbands are satisfied with one and would end up a huge unhappy family if they actually went with the advice/ abuse of the people trying to force them into it. Its better to know your limits because Allah (swt) made us all with limits.And Allah(swt) knows our limits and we would not get into something unless Allah(swt) knows that we can handle it.So dont throw around words making people feel bad for not wanting to be a co wife while at the same time supporting polygyny. i would support a sister who married a bro with 3 wives doesnt mean i would get married to a bro with 3 wives. everyone is different its not like she said polygyny is wrong ( authobilah) she said she doesnt want to practice it.

anyway every islamic forum on the globe is flooded with this topic...its obviously is an issue that needs to be discussed.insha Allah you will be fine sister.salaam.

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