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whatsthetruth

I am losing faith in Islam...

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The urge for a guy to have sex with guys cannot be compared to stealing or lying or any such tendency. It's an altogether completely different category. In my opinion, a better example can be given of a guy who is unable to get married and stays away from sinning. So for a person who is homosexual, staying away from having sex with guys/sinning, is as difficult as it is for straight guys to stay away from sex with women/sinning.

there is no equivilent since a man and woman can marry you can buy what you wanted to steal etc.

it is haram with no permissibility

there is no likeness except it is a haram deed and you are expected to be obediant and never commit it like magic.

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It takes a lot of courage to share your darkest secrets even when you are anonymous. You relive the past that you try to block in your head every passing moment of your life. I am an eighteen year old male, and here I am, back on the forum where I once praised Islam and shared nohas, the place where I shared my pain for the sacrifices that were made for Islam. Muharram is coming up, and for every year of my life I have been fully devoted to it. I grew up in a corner-lot house, on one side we faced a Shia Masjid, on the other side was an Imam Bargah. The images of these places are painted in my head and I will never forget them. I was raised in this house till I was nine and every Muharram i spent all my days at the Masjid for male majilis and at the Imam Bargah for the female majilis. I had done almost anything a momin does for Muharram by the time I was 9. From decorating a Taboot to carrying an Alam to doing Zanjeer ka matam at the age of five. My mother used to tell me to calm down whenever Muharram came around, she was always worried that I would get exhausted. Some of my earliest childhood memories consist of Julooses and Zuljenahs and huge Alams that I one day wished to hold. Up until I was 9, every 8th Muharram my family put together an Alam and I took it out to the juloos that passed the front of my house and concluded at the Masjid. This was based on a manat my mother made before I was born. My family used to give out milk mixed with rooh-afzah and almonds. After I turned 9 our family came to the US and we still took out an Alam in the local Imam Bargah and passed out the rooh-afzah flavored drinks. I am writing this because I have lost all faith in god and maybe this year would be the first that I don't take out an Alam.

Let's go back to when I was 5, 6, or 7, living in my neighborhood that seemed so religious. Everyone knew me by my name, I was the little kid loved by all the people at the masjid and the imam bargah. The women at the imam bargah knew me, the men at the masjid knew me, everyone on our block knew me, and maybe thats why I always felt so safe. The first time it happened was with our servant. I called him Chacha Sadiq, he was around 40 years old. Althought he was a muslim, he wasn't shia, but he always respected our believes. He was like a family member to us and I used to respect him so much. He was the first person who ever sexually molested me, and not just once, but maybe three or four times. The second person was Fouji Bhai, idk why I called him that, but he was always another guy I looked up to, Fouji Bhai. Whenever Muharram came around he would guide me around, he used to hold one of the biggest Alams, and I always wanted to be like him, tall and strong enough to hold an Alam that big. One time I ran up to him on the street to say hi and he took me to his room which was right above the Imam Bargah. Although his extent of molesting me wasn't as explicit as Sadiq's, but I still new whatever he was doing was wrong. Later i faced countless occasions where the teenagers who were living at the Masjid to be part of some Matami Dasta made me feel them up. I was a kid but I always knew something was wrong.

Then when I turned 9 i moved to the US and slowly growing up I realized what had happened to me. This made me more religous and by the age of 13-14 I started praying five times a day. I started reading up on a lot of Islamic books and especially books on Karbala. This website became a part of my religious life for where it answered many questions and helped me share my passion for the Ahl-e-Bait. I guess recently I have realized that I am not attracted to women anymore, I am attracted to men. It makes me ashamed of myself, I can't look at myself in the mirror. Was this genetic? Was i born this way? How much part did nature vs nurture play? Was it because of all the things that had happened to me growing up?

I asked many Maulanas and even talked to my sister about this, everyone said pray to Allah, and there is no such thing as being gay. I did pray to Allah, I have been praying all my life, I havent done many bad things except little white lies. Then why is god punishing me for no good reason, why would god let such a thing happen to a little boy and then turn his life miserable when he is all grown up. Then one day I thought, maybe there is no god....there is no justice...

Whatever happened to me, nature or nurture, I didn't go out and make them happen, they happened to me, they happened to me in very religous places, by very 'religous' men. Where does that leave all religions? Where does that leave Islam?

Assalamalikum brother,

I"m addressing you assuming that you are being truthful and not trying to cause discourse. The tendancy to have homosexual

desires may be genetic . However so are violent tendancies. There are family histories of drug and alchholism, this however does not make you a slave to those desires. whatever harmful desire you have can be fought off and controlled regardless of whether it is lusting after your neighbors spouse or wanting to bash in the skull of your mother in law. I would suggest that you receive some counselling about your abuse but be sure not from a secular source and I would also suggest looking to the possibility of marriage to have a healthy sexual outlet.

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This is my very first post in this forum.

I'll try to make it simple and clear.

You shouldn't be ashamed of having feelings for the same sex. That doesn't mean that you should act upon them.

You see, everyone was born with certain tendencies. Everyone has envies against which he has to fight. The problem here is that you blame yourself for theses feelings when in reality the only thing required from you by Allah is to stand your ground and remove/control your feelings. Believe me, there is much more to attraction than simple desires and feelings. You have a huge say on your feelings and what you are attracted to. It might be easy to be attracted to men in your case, but that doesn't mean that you should not marry a woman and or even develop a relationship with her. Many many of our own thoughts are our own enemies, especially when you believe you have no say on them.

Some people are attracted to children, others to drugs, others to murder. You might think it's inconceivable to "like" to kill but you're first to witness that you can feel emotions which you thought couldn't be possible.

Accept your emotions as a reality. Put your foot on them and destroy theses thoughts in your mind. You have to accept theses emotions within you to be able to get rid of them.

If anything don't be afraid to contact me.

Have faith, Allah tests everyone with something. You might feel no want towards alcohol while others are addicted to it. Everyone has built-in attractions.

Remember, you will be judged only on the actions you perform, not on what you feel.

I can hardly call you a homosexual for having certain feelings, just like I can hardly call someone a murderer for possessing a knife.

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Salam,

lol...I am not entirely sure why you seem upset. Maybe I can clarify? I oversimplify because I work full time and have a family. Also,because I am on shiachat? My aim was to get the brother started at a certain point where he could take it from...not to undermine anything.

Also, where exactly did I indicate muharam rituals are the reason shia pedophiles are on the rise??? How exactly did you make that connection, and then accuse me of it? It's kind of funny, but anyway. Allow me to expand on this, maybe I wasn't clear! First, I don't appreciate your attacking on my views, but I'll share them anyway. I don't find anything beautiful about the ritualistic nature of muharram ceremonies, why? Not because I think I'm too good, but because it is HEAVILY deviated the point of muharram for MANY people (focus: not all, but many!). What I meant by the season is, throughout my years, I see people during ceremonies year after year participate fully, cry weep kill themselves---and go back to the exact same rubbish they did before muharram and each year, what is so beautiful about that? I wanted the OP to be clear that just because someone is dedicated/participates, we shouldn't assume they are a result of the pure message of Ashura. Do you see my point? Once the OP sees to seperate the actions of the individuals from the events they participated in- it is a step in the right direction. If you would like to start a thread about muharram practices, I'm all for discussing it. Up to you.

Again, you go assuming. In fact, you assumed something I said which I didn't, and go back to saying exactly what I had said? lol You said homosexuality isnt result of anger, but of his environment...ok, and his environment is exactly what made him angry? Angry does not mean a physical or emotional state, it very well is also subconscious. I know very well that his feelings are absolutely natural for anyone abused as a child......like I said, this is my profession.

To the original poster: I am sure you know this, but sexual abuse is extremely high among both females and males (people assume it only happens to girls) of course the degrees tend to vary.

Mehvish I will need some clarification on your last statement, that the OP can be Muslim and gay at the same time? My assumption here is that the gay you recommend isn't physical but a mental state?

salam

Assalam o alaikum

This is what Ayatullah Khumaini meanthe said that we muslims forever will be fighting amongst yourselves while the enemy finishes you off. this wasn't about shia or sunni rather its about a problem this person is facing and sharing with us,instead of talking about it you are viewing it in a totally different perspectve. truly deep down inside i feel that you are being tested by Allah,whatever you said seems that you were one of the most devout ones MASHALLAH,if you take it as a test, even if religion isn't helping you at the point ,take it as a challenge for your will,there is nothing that be fought over with hardwork, I am not saying it would be easy but in time INSHALLAH it will pay off, i will be praying for you day and night now and will ask all i know to do so too, may God bless you and guide you

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Excuse me? I am not wrong, you are not the judger, and not the one to tell me who is right and wrong.

Isnt it true that when we are born, it isnt all written down what is going to happen, who we will marry, how many kids etc. And your telling me, that Allah didnt know this? Psht, yes we have free will, we dont know which path we are following, but still, everything happens for a reason, and under Allahs will, he has complete control!!

So i dont understand how your saying that im wrong?

Thats really confusing.

[/quo

you don't believe the basic islamic concept it seems,Ofcourse God knows what we will do,He is the creator you can't put a limit to the extent of His powers, He created us ASHRAFUL MAKHLOQAAT, Why are we ashraf ul makhloqaat are we better then Angels?? It is because of this freedom of choice or freewill that gives us the title,Ever heard of Nafs and trying to fight it of? Why do you strive for anything if He wants you to have it you wold have food clothing cleanliness all without moving a finger. We choose We decide,that is why some are jannati for their efforts and others not so. God himself says so "Refrain..." which means Stop yourself He isn't stopping you. So think before you speak and do research it, you find number of ayaats to support this.

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Salam,

I read your post and I think you need to talk to some real maulana (who has knowledge of religion). I will take it the same way like when the person gets sick he needs treatment, your soul needs treatment . Dont take me wrong pls but I have seen many cases of sexual molestation (being a doctor) and sexual desires and feelings are not punishment. If you are a good person and doing alot of good things then God has given you much as well. i dont know how old are you or how long ago all these things happened, what my understanding is that may be God wants from you to stop those people and not let them do it with other innocent kids. It might not be ur punishment but God wants to stop those cruel people. I know this is very difficult but a momin is one who can stop bad things by his hands. May Allah protect you from Shaytan.

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I think you are all overcomplicating this issue.

You think you're gay? Homosexuality is haram. End of story. Don't try to find loops around it. It is haram under any circumstances.

Allah is not going to forgive you for being gay because you were sexually molested.

You're losing your faith in Islam because you were molested?

Come on, honestly? This is what life is. Even unreligious-wise, guess what? That's life. Bad stuff happens. People go through tragedies, and stuff that just ruins them emotionally, physically, mentally.

You don't give up on your faith. So what? Yeah you were sexually molested, or abused, whatever you want to call it. But that's life.

Yeah, so it's something aweful. Bigger than most people's problems, and not as big as other's. But it's still a problem. But you know what? It happened. It's over now. Haven't you heard? Allah will take you through hell to get you to Heaven.

Get over it.

Suck it up, and forget it. Those images will haunt you everyday for the rest of your life. Even when everything is going good for you, you'll still never feel completely satisfied or happy because of what has happened to you as a kid.

But you don't give up on your religion. Just because this all happened in a religious setting, and you are a very religious man does not mean anything. Bad things happen to everyone. It'll be hard on you. It has altered your life forever. However, it is in the past. Dwelling on the past will not change it. What has happened, happened, and you can't control that. All you can control is your present, and your future. So continue praying, continue reading the quaran, continue to get closer to Allah, and all the A'ima because that's all you really have. All you have is your love, faith, and hope. Love for your creator, faith for your religion, and hope for things to get better. For men/women like that to not be around anymore.

Now, on the case of you being homosexual, and I know I'm going to have this very sentence quoted and bashed upon, but what I'm saying is true: homosexuality is a state of mind, it's not real. You are resorting to this because you feel everything you have worked hard for in your life suddenly isn't worth it, that how can Allah exist if there's all the bad things going on. Well honey, this is it. This is life. Allah does exist. The A'ima did live and die. All of it is true. Whatever you do, do not ever question the existance of Allah because it's all you are ever garaunteed to have.

You're not gay.

Stop complicating this issue.

Continue to pray, stay in school, listen to your parents. Grow up, marry a girl, have a beautiful life together.

You are a man. You are a 5adem of Allah SW. Don't ever doubt his existance.

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HOLY [Edited Out], you guys write wayyyy too much, no one is gonna read all that

OP, while there is currently no definitive link between human genes and homosexuality (only been 7 years since the human genome was finished)

We have found a gene that affects sexual orientation in fruit flies. (waiting for someone to say "yeah but those are fruit flies lol")

"Male Drosophila melanogaster flies bearing two copies of a mutant allele in the fruitless gene court and attempt to mate exclusively with other males.[77] The genetic basis of animal homosexuality has been studied in the fly Drosophila melanogaster.[78] Here, multiple genes have been identified that can cause homosexual courtship and mating.[79] These genes are thought to control behavior through pheromones as well as altering the structure of the animal's brains.[80][81] These studies have also investigated the influence of environment on the likelihood of flies displaying homosexual behavior.[82][83]"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals

I'm sure in humans it's a bit more complicated, however, still doesn't change the fact you are more or less prone to being gay the moment you are born.

Edited by Slipperyroads

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Some people are attracted to children, others to drugs, others to murder. You might think it's inconceivable to "like" to kill but you're first to witness that you can feel emotions which you thought couldn't be possible.

Accept your emotions as a reality. Put your foot on them and destroy theses thoughts in your mind. You have to accept theses emotions within you to be able to get rid of them.

Wow, how can you put homosexuality in those categories?

The thing you're forgetting, all of those things are well known to be damaging. Homosexuality does not harm anyone.

lol at idiots telling him to just control his impulses

I know straight muslims have to do so as well but to an extent, eventually they get married, they have a solution at least.

Furthermore, for a guy to avoid interactions with girls is pretty easy, islam makes it even easier lol but for a guy to avoid interactions with other guys is nearly impossible.

Edited by Slipperyroads

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It takes a lot of courage to share your darkest secrets even when you are anonymous. You relive the past that you try to block in your head every passing moment of your life. I am an eighteen year old male, and here I am, back on the forum where I once praised Islam and shared nohas, the place where I shared my pain for the sacrifices that were made for Islam. Muharram is coming up, and for every year of my life I have been fully devoted to it. I grew up in a corner-lot house, on one side we faced a Shia Masjid, on the other side was an Imam Bargah. The images of these places are painted in my head and I will never forget them. I was raised in this house till I was nine and every Muharram i spent all my days at the Masjid for male majilis and at the Imam Bargah for the female majilis. I had done almost anything a momin does for Muharram by the time I was 9. From decorating a Taboot to carrying an Alam to doing Zanjeer ka matam at the age of five. My mother used to tell me to calm down whenever Muharram came around, she was always worried that I would get exhausted. Some of my earliest childhood memories consist of Julooses and Zuljenahs and huge Alams that I one day wished to hold. Up until I was 9, every 8th Muharram my family put together an Alam and I took it out to the juloos that passed the front of my house and concluded at the Masjid. This was based on a manat my mother made before I was born. My family used to give out milk mixed with rooh-afzah and almonds. After I turned 9 our family came to the US and we still took out an Alam in the local Imam Bargah and passed out the rooh-afzah flavored drinks. I am writing this because I have lost all faith in god and maybe this year would be the first that I don't take out an Alam.

Let's go back to when I was 5, 6, or 7, living in my neighborhood that seemed so religious. Everyone knew me by my name, I was the little kid loved by all the people at the masjid and the imam bargah. The women at the imam bargah knew me, the men at the masjid knew me, everyone on our block knew me, and maybe thats why I always felt so safe. The first time it happened was with our servant. I called him Chacha Sadiq, he was around 40 years old. Althought he was a muslim, he wasn't shia, but he always respected our believes. He was like a family member to us and I used to respect him so much. He was the first person who ever sexually molested me, and not just once, but maybe three or four times. The second person was Fouji Bhai, idk why I called him that, but he was always another guy I looked up to, Fouji Bhai. Whenever Muharram came around he would guide me around, he used to hold one of the biggest Alams, and I always wanted to be like him, tall and strong enough to hold an Alam that big. One time I ran up to him on the street to say hi and he took me to his room which was right above the Imam Bargah. Although his extent of molesting me wasn't as explicit as Sadiq's, but I still new whatever he was doing was wrong. Later i faced countless occasions where the teenagers who were living at the Masjid to be part of some Matami Dasta made me feel them up. I was a kid but I always knew something was wrong.

Then when I turned 9 i moved to the US and slowly growing up I realized what had happened to me. This made me more religous and by the age of 13-14 I started praying five times a day. I started reading up on a lot of Islamic books and especially books on Karbala. This website became a part of my religious life for where it answered many questions and helped me share my passion for the Ahl-e-Bait. I guess recently I have realized that I am not attracted to women anymore, I am attracted to men. It makes me ashamed of myself, I can't look at myself in the mirror. Was this genetic? Was i born this way? How much part did nature vs nurture play? Was it because of all the things that had happened to me growing up?

I asked many Maulanas and even talked to my sister about this, everyone said pray to Allah, and there is no such thing as being gay. I did pray to Allah, I have been praying all my life, I havent done many bad things except little white lies. Then why is god punishing me for no good reason, why would god let such a thing happen to a little boy and then turn his life miserable when he is all grown up. Then one day I thought, maybe there is no god....there is no justice...

Whatever happened to me, nature or nurture, I didn't go out and make them happen, they happened to me, they happened to me in very religous places, by very 'religous' men. Where does that leave all religions? Where does that leave Islam?

I know this thread is old. I realise you may not even be a member anymore, but I am 18 and I am in the exact same situation as you were when you were 18. I'm hoping you're still around to talk to me about this.

The fact that this happened to you in very "religious" places by very "religious" men does not reflect on Islam. The reality of sexual abuse is that is it almost always carried out by people we trust in authority positions. We tend to trust our pastors, our priests, and our imams with the sacred task of enriching our children and caring for them because we believe that in entrusting our children to these men of God we are submitting our trust ultimately to Him.

Trust can lead to abuse. Is that necessarily always the case? Absolutely not and I am sure there are members on this forum that can advocate the moral decency of religious figures in their lives, but I am sure there are many more (such as yourself) who have found themselves betrayed by a man and felt betrayed by God as a result.

I am concerned about a few things here, namely the role your sexual abuse has to play in your homosexuality. Being sexually abused has its definite implications and can contribute significantly to how you view your sexuality but it does not necessarily have to define you. You are only a product of what you have been subject to and perhaps time, healing, and professional help are essential to understanding YOUR sexual inclinations and desires rather than the sexual desires of the vile men who stole your innocence and molded your sexual identity. Please do PM me if you want more information about where to get this kind of help (since you are located in the United States) because it is critical that you are able to separate what happened to you from who you are.

If you are gay this is something that will involve a lot more variables. You will get a lot of reactions like the ones you received on this thread, reaction from people who believe they know you and can define you because they have some sort of divine knowledge that allows them to do so. Screw them. Don't let them define you. You can't choose whether or not you are gay and no matter how many times they pretend they know they answers.. they simply do not. You won't ever be able to get across to them and you won't ever be able to make these people understand so I suggest you stop caring about whether or not homosexuality exists. Want proof that homosexuality exists? Go to san franfreggincisco.. or as brother Mahdaviat/Rubaiyat (one of the guys with the Iranian Flag wrapped around his eyes) suggested.. go see a mardi gras parade!

All tasteless jokes aside though.. this is something that is strictly between you and Allah. Find out what this means for you and your future and embrace it. He does not give us a test we cannot pass, nor does he put us on this earth to deny who we are and live a life of self hatred and loathing where our nights are spent praying he had not created us so differently. Love who you are because He loves you too.

This post almost made me cry - I can't remember the last time I wanted to cry at anything. Thank you.

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The Islam you have been taught to believe in does not have to define you. You can still follow Islamic principles and be a good person while being gay at the same time.

Mehvish is wrong here.

When people are depressed, they feel to cut themselves out of desperation (some do, a known medical condition), others hurt themselves, women who have been abused in childhood want to be sex slaves and/or abuse themselves - some even offer themselves to be dismembered, drug addicts are known to bang their head on walls and pull their hair one by one.

Any of the self-abuse that may have been caused by past experience is "wrong" and can not be sanctioned just because "you suffered at hands of others".

Feeling gay is tantamount to self abuse. So NO, do not listen to Mehvish, she is deceiving you here thinking that it is your life. It is not your life, it is the life granted to you by Allah and to whom you have to return it in its most beautiful and pure form.

It was not your fault that you were abused in the childhood, but it will be your own fault if you lose the rest of your life, well being, and self by succumbing to gay-ism/suicide/self molestation etc.

Think of 5 yrs/10yrs down the road. Suppose you keep on falling this way, first gay ism, then drugs, then self immolation, a suicide may be, no matter which way you go, on the last moment of your life, you will be regretting that you wished you would have dealt with this problem and had not let yourself lost in these stupid theories of "you get your life once so do whatever you like to do".

My advice, whatever bad happened to you, has already happened, it was not your fault, BUT from now on, deal with it like a man and do not lose your soul to bad stuff.

If you think yours past was tough, please visit rape victims, victims of wars, victims of abuse, victims of other tyrannies, victims of chemical warfare of Saddam and see how they all are coping with it.

1. Bosnian rape victims are not asking for being raped again and in more horrible ways.

2. Victims of wars in Palestine are not asking for being burnt live again by phosphorus bombs as a compensation.

and so on...

So why should you!!!!

<yes this thread is old but this is for someone who was going through a very low point in life and would hopefully help him if he ever comes back and saw that we all cared>

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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HOLY [Edited Out], you guys write wayyyy too much, no one is gonna read all that

OP, while there is currently no definitive link between human genes and homosexuality (only been 7 years since the human genome was finished)

We have found a gene that affects sexual orientation in fruit flies. (waiting for someone to say "yeah but those are fruit flies lol")

"Male Drosophila melanogaster flies bearing two copies of a mutant allele in the fruitless gene court and attempt to mate exclusively with other males.[77] The genetic basis of animal homosexuality has been studied in the fly Drosophila melanogaster.[78] Here, multiple genes have been identified that can cause homosexual courtship and mating.[79] These genes are thought to control behavior through pheromones as well as altering the structure of the animal's brains.[80][81] These studies have also investigated the influence of environment on the likelihood of flies displaying homosexual behavior.[82][83]"

http://en.wikipedia....vior_in_animals

I'm sure in humans it's a bit more complicated, however, still doesn't change the fact you are more or less prone to being gay the moment you are born.

Hey Einstein, wikipedia is too scholarly to cite in this sophisticated discussion. Most of the scholars on here will not be surprised by the fact that "feminization of parts of the antennal lobe" in flies will cause the male flies to act like females. What do you think feminization means?

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Feeling gay is tantamount to self abuse.

Islam only punishes the homosexual act. Many people who 'feel gay' will insist they have no more choice in that matter than you do in 'feeling straight', so there is no shame in having a feeling, what counts is how you act on that feeling. Of course, you can make it worse for yourself by indulging in thoughts/fantasies, but i dont see why this would be more harmful than a straight mqn indulging in thoughts and fantasies about women who arent his wives.

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Islam only punishes the homosexual act. Many people who 'feel gay' will insist they have no more choice in that matter than you do in 'feeling straight', so there is no shame in having a feeling, what counts is how you act on that feeling. Of course, you can make it worse for yourself by indulging in thoughts/fantasies, but i dont see why this would be more harmful than a straight mqn indulging in thoughts and fantasies about women who arent his wives.

I agree with what you have said except for the last part. Someone who fantasises about women can actually statisfy those desires in a halal way (with his wife for example), while there is no halal way of satisifying desires for other men. If someone feels attraction for men, then fantasising about men is hardly going to help things.

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I agree with what you have said except for the last part. Someone who fantasises about women can actually statisfy those desires in a halal way (with his wife for example), while there is no halal way of satisifying desires for other men. If someone feels attraction for men, then fantasising about men is hardly going to help things.

I agree with what you have said except for the last part. Someone who fantasises about women can actually statisfy those desires in a halal way (with his wife for example), while there is no halal way of satisifying desires for other men. If someone feels attraction for men, then fantasising about men is hardly going to help things.

Well, a man could be having sex with a woman and be fantasising in his head she's a man. But fantasising about other men/women, particularly if they are known to you would surely increase your desire for them and could lead to something unhealthy or to haram. For instance, a man who fantasises about an already married woman that is known to him, or fantasises about a famous woman in a way that leads to obsession.

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Well, a man could be having sex with a woman and be fantasising in his head she's a man. But fantasising about other men/women, particularly if they are known to you would surely increase your desire for them and could lead to something unhealthy or to haram. For instance, a man who fantasises about an already married woman that is known to him, or fantasises about a famous woman in a way that leads to obsession.

Yes, I agree that fantasising about specific women a man is not married to is not healthy (and in fact is completely wrong), But somehow I doubt a person that is regularly fantasising about men will feel satisfied with a woman, or perhaps even have any desire for her. I do agree with your general point, but I think it is clearly worse to fantasise about men than woman, since in one case it is something that is theoretically halal, while in the other it is absolutely haram.

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It takes a lot of courage to share your darkest secrets even when you are anonymous. You relive the past that you try to block in your head every passing moment of your life. I am an eighteen year old male, and here I am, back on the forum where I once praised Islam and shared nohas, the place where I shared my pain for the sacrifices that were made for Islam. Muharram is coming up, and for every year of my life I have been fully devoted to it. I grew up in a corner-lot house, on one side we faced a Shia Masjid, on the other side was an Imam Bargah. The images of these places are painted in my head and I will never forget them. I was raised in this house till I was nine and every Muharram i spent all my days at the Masjid for male majilis and at the Imam Bargah for the female majilis. I had done almost anything a momin does for Muharram by the time I was 9. From decorating a Taboot to carrying an Alam to doing Zanjeer ka matam at the age of five. My mother used to tell me to calm down whenever Muharram came around, she was always worried that I would get exhausted. Some of my earliest childhood memories consist of Julooses and Zuljenahs and huge Alams that I one day wished to hold. Up until I was 9, every 8th Muharram my family put together an Alam and I took it out to the juloos that passed the front of my house and concluded at the Masjid. This was based on a manat my mother made before I was born. My family used to give out milk mixed with rooh-afzah and almonds. After I turned 9 our family came to the US and we still took out an Alam in the local Imam Bargah and passed out the rooh-afzah flavored drinks. I am writing this because I have lost all faith in god and maybe this year would be the first that I don't take out an Alam.

Let's go back to when I was 5, 6, or 7, living in my neighborhood that seemed so religious. Everyone knew me by my name, I was the little kid loved by all the people at the masjid and the imam bargah. The women at the imam bargah knew me, the men at the masjid knew me, everyone on our block knew me, and maybe thats why I always felt so safe. The first time it happened was with our servant. I called him Chacha Sadiq, he was around 40 years old. Althought he was a muslim, he wasn't shia, but he always respected our believes. He was like a family member to us and I used to respect him so much. He was the first person who ever sexually molested me, and not just once, but maybe three or four times. The second person was Fouji Bhai, idk why I called him that, but he was always another guy I looked up to, Fouji Bhai. Whenever Muharram came around he would guide me around, he used to hold one of the biggest Alams, and I always wanted to be like him, tall and strong enough to hold an Alam that big. One time I ran up to him on the street to say hi and he took me to his room which was right above the Imam Bargah. Although his extent of molesting me wasn't as explicit as Sadiq's, but I still new whatever he was doing was wrong. Later i faced countless occasions where the teenagers who were living at the Masjid to be part of some Matami Dasta made me feel them up. I was a kid but I always knew something was wrong.

Then when I turned 9 i moved to the US and slowly growing up I realized what had happened to me. This made me more religous and by the age of 13-14 I started praying five times a day. I started reading up on a lot of Islamic books and especially books on Karbala. This website became a part of my religious life for where it answered many questions and helped me share my passion for the Ahl-e-Bait. I guess recently I have realized that I am not attracted to women anymore, I am attracted to men. It makes me ashamed of myself, I can't look at myself in the mirror. Was this genetic? Was i born this way? How much part did nature vs nurture play? Was it because of all the things that had happened to me growing up?

I asked many Maulanas and even talked to my sister about this, everyone said pray to Allah, and there is no such thing as being gay. I did pray to Allah, I have been praying all my life, I havent done many bad things except little white lies. Then why is god punishing me for no good reason, why would god let such a thing happen to a little boy and then turn his life miserable when he is all grown up. Then one day I thought, maybe there is no god....there is no justice...

Whatever happened to me, nature or nurture, I didn't go out and make them happen, they happened to me, they happened to me in very religous places, by very 'religous' men. Where does that leave all religions? Where does that leave Islam?

Don't lose your emaan!!!!!!

you made me cry. but listen, a human being weather muslim or not is being tested by Allah all the time. now, this is your test, plz don't listen to satan and his armies, no1 is born homosexual. i understand it must be very hard to avoid this thoughts and sry to repeat what the mawlana's you talked to and ur sister said but they r right. only Allah can help you. if you sincerely ask Allah for help He'll surely help you. He (s.w.t) never forgets His servants. you're in my duas inshaAllah.

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(salam)

It is not possible to be born homosexual.

(wasalam)

That's just plain horrible of you. Wallah I don't know what's wrong with you.

It takes a lot of courage to share your darkest secrets even when you are anonymous. You relive the past that you try to block in your head every passing moment of your life. I am an eighteen year old male, and here I am, back on the forum where I once praised Islam and shared nohas, the place where I shared my pain for the sacrifices that were made for Islam. Muharram is coming up, and for every year of my life I have been fully devoted to it. I grew up in a corner-lot house, on one side we faced a Shia Masjid, on the other side was an Imam Bargah. The images of these places are painted in my head and I will never forget them. I was raised in this house till I was nine and every Muharram i spent all my days at the Masjid for male majilis and at the Imam Bargah for the female majilis. I had done almost anything a momin does for Muharram by the time I was 9. From decorating a Taboot to carrying an Alam to doing Zanjeer ka matam at the age of five. My mother used to tell me to calm down whenever Muharram came around, she was always worried that I would get exhausted. Some of my earliest childhood memories consist of Julooses and Zuljenahs and huge Alams that I one day wished to hold. Up until I was 9, every 8th Muharram my family put together an Alam and I took it out to the juloos that passed the front of my house and concluded at the Masjid. This was based on a manat my mother made before I was born. My family used to give out milk mixed with rooh-afzah and almonds. After I turned 9 our family came to the US and we still took out an Alam in the local Imam Bargah and passed out the rooh-afzah flavored drinks. I am writing this because I have lost all faith in god and maybe this year would be the first that I don't take out an Alam.

Let's go back to when I was 5, 6, or 7, living in my neighborhood that seemed so religious. Everyone knew me by my name, I was the little kid loved by all the people at the masjid and the imam bargah. The women at the imam bargah knew me, the men at the masjid knew me, everyone on our block knew me, and maybe thats why I always felt so safe. The first time it happened was with our servant. I called him Chacha Sadiq, he was around 40 years old. Althought he was a muslim, he wasn't shia, but he always respected our believes. He was like a family member to us and I used to respect him so much. He was the first person who ever sexually molested me, and not just once, but maybe three or four times. The second person was Fouji Bhai, idk why I called him that, but he was always another guy I looked up to, Fouji Bhai. Whenever Muharram came around he would guide me around, he used to hold one of the biggest Alams, and I always wanted to be like him, tall and strong enough to hold an Alam that big. One time I ran up to him on the street to say hi and he took me to his room which was right above the Imam Bargah. Although his extent of molesting me wasn't as explicit as Sadiq's, but I still new whatever he was doing was wrong. Later i faced countless occasions where the teenagers who were living at the Masjid to be part of some Matami Dasta made me feel them up. I was a kid but I always knew something was wrong.

Then when I turned 9 i moved to the US and slowly growing up I realized what had happened to me. This made me more religous and by the age of 13-14 I started praying five times a day. I started reading up on a lot of Islamic books and especially books on Karbala. This website became a part of my religious life for where it answered many questions and helped me share my passion for the Ahl-e-Bait. I guess recently I have realized that I am not attracted to women anymore, I am attracted to men. It makes me ashamed of myself, I can't look at myself in the mirror. Was this genetic? Was i born this way? How much part did nature vs nurture play? Was it because of all the things that had happened to me growing up?

I asked many Maulanas and even talked to my sister about this, everyone said pray to Allah, and there is no such thing as being gay. I did pray to Allah, I have been praying all my life, I havent done many bad things except little white lies. Then why is god punishing me for no good reason, why would god let such a thing happen to a little boy and then turn his life miserable when he is all grown up. Then one day I thought, maybe there is no god....there is no justice...

Whatever happened to me, nature or nurture, I didn't go out and make them happen, they happened to me, they happened to me in very religous places, by very 'religous' men. Where does that leave all religions? Where does that leave Islam?

Salaamu alaikum brother.....

I'm not going to say too much besides the fact that I was hurt when I read your story...

I could sit here and explain why I believe in God but it most likely won't help you. All I could as to you at this point is I hope you find the truth soon, whatever you find it may be. Just rememeber that no matter what you choose to believe, we're still your brothers and sisters. I would gladly help you with any thing that I could help you with and I know there are many good people on this site that would gladly help.

You know what saying that never leaves me?

'God Won't put you through a trial that He doesn't know you have the potential to pull through"

When I'm in a hardship myself, I laugh at it. When it's over I see it's wisdom.

Anyways brother I ask you to do one thing for me. Yes I'm asking you to do me a favor.

Don't ever stop looking for the truth, never be fully satisfied with what you've got and my favorite one, never stop questioning.

Fi Amanillah brother

I DONT CARE IF U LIKE MY POST OR NOT...I AM NOT HERE TO CHEER UP ANY ONE...I CANT SEE 18 YEAR OLD WHO HARDLY UNDERSTAND ABOUT ISLAAM ,COMMING HERE AND TELING WORLD HE DOES NOT BELIVES IN ISLAAM.MAKES NO SENSE TO ME.

You see?!? It's people like you that once made me doubt Islam. You need to chill out and quick because you have no right saying any of that. Who the hell are you?! A shoelace. Let's keep it to that.

Edited by 3laweyaZainabiya

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I read your post. Minus the replies. I hope you are faring better in life now. What happened to you was wrong. And it will be set right when the time comes. You must strive to maintain a semblance of normalcy and leave matter to Allah. I know for a fact that if you really want something, you can work around many obstacles to get it. Cheers.

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Bismillah

Salam

But you see, you need to just stregnthen your Emaan a bit. Emaan means 'Faith'. Did you know that one second of thinking about Allah and his Attributes is better than a thousand years of worship? So this is the best thing you can do. Think about this world, this universe, why you were created. The Existence of this Universe is itself the most evident proof of Allah.

I have written a poem:

" I wonder about a person,

who cannot deny the creation,

but denies the creator,

who is the creator of creation!!!"

Isnt that so obvious? If you want to see Allah, then you should know that one of the attributes of Allah is that he is "Not like anything else". If he was able to be seen or heard or even felt, then he would not remain Allah. Allah is the All-Powerful, The Creator of everything.

Did you that there are ten levels of Faith?

If you want to hear the person who has been on the 10th level of Faith, then listen to Imam Ali.

Imam Ali (as) has the strongest faith in the world!

I'm telling you, if you go read Nahjul Balagha, the whole thing, especially the part about Allah and the Universe, and the Nature of Man, then you would go crazy because of all of the facts and proofs and delights and amazing pure Awesomeness. Trust me; I've tried it.

Go, my brother, and read the Quran.

Read Nahjul Balagha.

(it will be better if you read these in the night, all alone, only you and the silent universe's creator..)

It's ok to look at yourself in the mirror. Of Course! Everyone loves to look at their faces that Allah has created for them. Subhanallah!

Glory be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and Praise be for Him, and there is no god except Allah, and Allah is the Greatest in all aspects.

Wassalamualaikum.

If you have any questions regarding Allah then please contact me, my email is mrizvi500@gmail.com

May Allah Guide you to The Right Path.

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Salam Alaikum Dear brother

I am so sorry to hear about your story you are unfortunately another victim of sexual abuse. Believe it or not at least 50 percent of most people I knew were sexually abused. May be it does not help much but to let u know it has happened to alot of people many of them as children and alot of times by the same sex.

Infact many muslim men I think have been abused as little boys or teenagers exspecially those who were in refugee camps. I have found they ignore their feeling as much as possible when they acknowledge their feelings they become weak and loose faith and give in to haram things but when they pretend they do not have these feelings and focus on other things They enjoy in life and constantly reading and studying ISLAM for themselves they still struggle but do well in society they even find women who have qualities they did not believe they could find in a woman and become attracted to them and get married. I have heard men with homosexual ways say they have found a treatment to their illness ( a close relationship with Allah) this require crying from the heart and pouring your heart out to Allah.

I have a feeling you will get Close To Allah and will help lots of people in similar situations as you. Do not give up You are strong brother.

It does take alot of courage to admit you have a problem. Most people refuse to do that. But now you realize the problem You must Believe Allah has a solution even if you have not found it yet. Allah is a big God and all problems can be solved by him. We all have our test I think like others have said it is a test .

Get close to Allah let Allah see despite what happened through corrupt people following shaitan you will not give up on your relationship with Allah

and I truely believe Allah will bless you with something so great and all your heart ache will teach you lessons that will make you a powerful enemy against the shaitan. I have seen people get hurt and give in to the shaitan and I have seen people who got hurt but struggled through fighting the evil and pain inside until they were able to teach others how to over come those same situations and changed the world around them to be a better place.

May Allah Guide and Bless you brother.

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I don't know if someone mentioned this before, but I think it's somehow connected to the fact you looked up to that guy and thought (maybe not knowing it immediately) that it was a good thing which he was doing, even though you say you know it was wrong. Your mind, which is a very complex system, is probably trying to block this by saying it was right - so you are feeling like this now (homosexual). Thereabove, Shaytan is seizing his chance by further developing these feelings. Don't let it overpower you.

You say you don't like woman, I say go and do Mut'ah just to make sure. Maybe your feelings for girls will come back. It's good that you do not want yourselve to get involved in sexual activities, but maybe one day you will. It's not God's fault that all of this happened to you..

And when it is said to them, "Spend from that which Allah has provided for you," those who disbelieve say to those who believe, "Should we feed one whom, if Allah had willed, He would have fed? You are not but in clear error." (Surah Yasin Ayah 47)

Like Allah states, when the unbelievers said to the Messengers: Should we feed someone whom Allah can feed?..

Likewise, you cannot blame this on Allah, but on the people. They have wronged you and they will have to answer for it. They were no real believers, because their actions did not correspond with their outer selves. Every night that you go to sleep, say to yourself or write it down: a 100 times that you are NOT homosexual, and that you love girls..it's all psychologically and you can turn it around if you want,,mentally. Be strong brother.

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Imam Ali(a.s) said: "Thinking about doing something sinful doesn't deserve punishment"

Allah is forgiving and understanding. If you have come to believe in Islam, and know it to be true, whilst still have these feelings yet you resist it and don't put it into action, it won't be punishable, and i'm my personal opinion, it is admirable.

It's like a poor person resisting to steal, even though he desperately needs it.

Wasalam :)

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I hope you don't mind my sharing my experiences with you. I was molested from a young age as well, and grew up being called a "bible beater" (ie religious... I was raised Christian). When I became a teenager, I said my shahadah as I found peace. While I don't share your thoughts toward my own gender, I can understand where your desperation towards Allah comes from. I don't know how to explain what happened to us. I myself used to ask Allah, just as you do, "Why?"

I don't have any real answers... I feel sorry for the people who did what they did to me. I read that those who are abused often imitate what happened to them. I am not saying you will also abuse others, astagfirullah, but that maybe it might even stem from that. There can be feelings of shame about sexual acts, even permissible ones, after molestation. For me a healthy marriage cured all that. I'd hate to suggest mu'ta because of its temporal nature possibly being more of a negative factor, but perhaps you should consider it to see how you do indeed feel. Anyway, I see a lot of people are focusing on homosexuality so I will ignore that portion.

I just really wanted to say that masAllah, you were very active in your community for religious events. But just because you grow up participating in such events and commemorating them, doesn't mean you have fully understood them. I'm not saying you don't have a real grasp of the events but you don't have a real grasp of Allah obviously. Rumi said something wonderful once in a poem about calling out to Allah without receiving any apparent answer. Shaytaan tells us that Allah does not answer our calls, and leaves us broken-hearted. Like you sound. But we should realize that our calling out to Allah is really his calling out to US. SubhanAllah.

Maybe, as hard as your struggle is with your sexual orientation and your past, you are also being given a huge opprotunity for reward. In every struggle we have the chance to earn even greater reward by overcoming them. That's Allah's mercy, subhanAllah. Maybe while you hold off on desires of the flesh (sorry for the corny wording) you are meant to work on the most essential part of Islam. You said you were participating in events during Muharram, etc. so maybe this is your chance to really solidify what is shaky-your belief in Allah and his Mercy.

I hope that came out in the way I meant it. As one victim to another I can say that I look back on my times of misery, as an adult now with children I never thought I'd have, so thankful for everything in my life. Everything. All what happened matters, but on the same token it doesn't. I used to think about it all day, everyday, for years and it tortured me. Work on your relationship with Allah and understanding him before anything else. I hope also you are able to overcome all your struggles... Remember some parts of the heart are only for Allah, not other creations, and we should never love anything more than Him. Remember how we should say Bismillah before anything, because we are constantly remembering He is the Most Merciful.

Apologies if that was a whole lot of stuff presented in an awkward way as well :) Just wanted to at least get a few words out there while I could.

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dude lots of good advise coming your way. My take, as a man who feels he's dealt a difficult hand by life to another, dont give up. Give em hell. be your best. Be sincere to people . Be honest. Dont lie or cheat. Dont break any hearts. And make an effort to developing an ideology in life that favors positivity. And seek out people in similar situations. that helps.

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I will pray for both the brothers who are going thru this :(

I cannot relate, but Healers post from 2009 is a good start.

Allah loves you and will always love you, dont lose hope in Him. For some ppl, fame, poverty, wealth is a test, consider this your test that you have to go thru. May Allah help you both thru this.

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