Husband is in touch with ex-GF thru internet

[fjawad]

A O A Everyone,

I am married for past eight years. Recently, I discovered that my husband was chatting/emailing his ex-girlfriend. We used to share eachother passwords but then he changed. I somehow got acces to his email once again and noticed that the girl was just wanted to have lovy dovy friendship with him. She is married too and have two kids. I confornted this with my husband but he said she is just a friend. Then he stopped contacting her and she emailed him again and again but he did not reply.

Now on 30th Nov (after 5 months gap) he changed his password once again. He actually changed all of his password. I though something is wrong. I checked his email from his laptop when he was not around and there you go. His email was full of that shameless girl emails. I asked my husband and we are having fights these days. He says he needs his space and privacy. I say that I do not mind you having female friends but I should be in picture. He has now even locked his laptop which is highly unusual.

What I need to mention is that I know my husband is not interested in her as I can reckon it from previous emails etc. But the girl always talk about romantic songs and things which a friend shoild not ask for. I am asking my husband to stop any kind of relationship with her but he says that it is not possible for him and she is JUST a friend.

I just want to have all of your opinion what should I do in this regard. I have not emailed that girl yet. Shall I warn her? What should I do to make my marital life peaceful because I keep argue him all the time. He is never expressive with me but with her he uses kids of words from which his wife remain deprived of. I am in an abusive relationshio but still want to carry it on as I have two kids although I am highly educated and from strong family background with foreign passport. After bearing so much pain of my eight years married life, my husband has come up with this most painful act and he is denying to finish relationship with her. Help me! Let me know what should I do? What would have you done if you (God forbid) were in such situation? I will appreciate serious discussion and suggestion. Looking forward to listen to your views.

[Bonafide Hustler]

BUT YOU SAY SHES JUST A FREINDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD BUT YOU SAY SHES JUST A FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES, BE straight up with you and stop talking to this girl, girls are everywhere, they are at work/school/ random ones even are found ligering in mens bathrooms for gods sake. You just have to avoid them when things are getting out of hand, its simple really, it doesnt matter how crazy this woman emailing him is, its his fault that he is still maintaining a friendship with her. ITS DANGEROUS and you should just be clear that you will not tolerate any of it cuz its simply unfair, ask him how he would approach this problem were you engaged in similar password changing email replying practices???

WOAH 8 YEARS IN MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS sooooooooo awesome Mashallahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, just dont tell me your husband has 0 interest in her though... I would rather believe men evolved from apes...

[Mehvish]

Im sorry babe, but if he cannot sacrifice a friendship for his wife of 8 years, and is using lingo with her you do not appreciate, its time to think of your children and decide whats best for you and for them; and let me tell you something, a flimsy father is NOT what they need. I have quite a few friends who actually wish their parents divorced each other because they cannot stand seeing either of them being committed towards each other. You deserve way more, and I know thats hard to hear especially about someone you obviously love and care about very, very much.

I'm not telling you to go straight to divorce, but I am saying that something has got to change, and you cannot and absolutely should NOT tolerate this behavior. Even if you are being out of line, your husband should be understanding, not defensive.

At the same time, all healthy relationships involve a little bit of privacy. It is understandable that he would be annoyed (whether he is guilty or not) that you're reading each and every one of his emails, because its a sign that you do not trust him. You need to let him know what you're worth and how much you love and care for him. Tell him how much hes let you down by behaving in this manner. I don't think its necessary to go and talk to the girl. Your husband made the decision to be in contact with her, and you cannot go ahead and let this whole thing walk all over you.

If he is willing to reconcile and make some changes, I suggest you go for marriage counselling. There may be more martial issues than you are unconsciously aware of. If he is not willing to change his ways, then I think you know very well what you need to do.

The key thing to remember in any rocky relationship is that you're a very special woman who deserves the best, and you don't need a man to bring you down or define your worth.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Mehvish

[UnknownShia]

i think its time u take HALF and leave

[Maryaam]

Ask the ex gf's husband what he thinks of the friendship. Maybe he has some ideas.

[Burning Desire]

YES YOU SHUD MAIL AND WARN THAT FEMALE

Im sorry babe, but if he cannot sacrifice a friendship for his wife of 8 years, and is using lingo with her you do not appreciate, its time to think of your children and decide whats best for you and for them; and let me tell you something, a flimsy father is NOT what they need. I have quite a few friends who actually wish their parents divorced each other because they cannot stand seeing either of them being committed towards each other. You deserve way more, and I know thats hard to hear especially about someone you obviously love and care about very, very much.

I'm not telling you to go straight to divorce, but I am saying that something has got to change, and you cannot and absolutely should NOT tolerate this behavior. Even if you are being out of line, your husband should be understanding, not defensive.

At the same time, all healthy relationships involve a little bit of privacy. It is understandable that he would be annoyed (whether he is guilty or not) that you're reading each and every one of his emails, because its a sign that you do not trust him. You need to let him know what you're worth and how much you love and care for him. Tell him how much hes let you down by behaving in this manner. I don't think its necessary to go and talk to the girl. Your husband made the decision to be in contact with her, and you cannot go ahead and let this whole thing walk all over you.

If he is willing to reconcile and make some changes, I suggest you go for marriage counselling. There may be more martial issues than you are unconsciously aware of. If he is not willing to change his ways, then I think you know very well what you need to do.

The key thing to remember in any rocky relationship is that you're a very special woman who deserves the best, and you don't need a man to bring you down or define your worth.

AVOID ADDRESSING SISTERS WITH "BABE"

[sukaina_08]

First, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It must be very frustrating and heartbreak... this type of situation can definitely can have a huge impact on your self-esteem and self-worth.

Second, do NOT email the other woman. All that would do is give her the satisfaction that she has successfully diverted your husband's attention away from you. If she is really interested in him, this is exactly the kind of power she wants! Ignoring her is the best way. Plus, she's not the one to blame for your relationship issues - your husband is. He is the one who is continuing to allow her to interact with him in an inappropriate way. If they are just friends, he should be firm and clear about the boundaries, and reinforce them. Since he is not reinforcing the 'friend' boundaries, clearly he is ok with the way she is acting, and it sounds like he is even reciprocating it.

Third, I do not recommend just packing up and leaving him suddenly, without warning. Communication is very important, and is it the most fair way of handling any relationship issue. You need to have a discussion with him. Tell him that his behavior is inappropriate for any married couple, and even more so for a Muslim man (married or unmarried!). Not only does the inappropriate behavior with the other woman have to stop, but the relationship with her must be cut as well. If he does not do this, you WILL leave (not only for your sake, but for your children's sake too, as they need to have a good, practicing role model for a father). Make sure knows what the consequences are, and that you are serious about them. You don't need to yell or be upset or have an angry tone with him. Just calmly sit down and make everything clear.

Fourth, you need to have a clear plan in place IF he does continue to contact that woman. Make sure you know where you will go, who can help you move out, who will support you and your children temporarily (like family members or something), etc. When considering all this, you should also start looking for jobs in that area so you will have an idea of what is available and how best to prepare for interviews if you need to find a job quickly.

Fifth, you need to decide whether you will leave permanently, or if you will be open to coming back IF he promises to change and fulfill his obligations to the family. Don't count on him being open to changing, but make sure you've thought about that in case he does start asking you to come back and promising to change, etc. What will you say, how will you react, will you come back immediately, or will you make him spend time proving his sincerity to you, etc.

Finally, is there anyone close to him that might be able to talk with him (before it gets to the point of you leaving)? Like a brother, a family member, close friend, etc? Sometimes having someone else who is not emotionally involved sit down and talk with them can help them open their eyes and see the reality of their actions. If not, is there an imam or sheikh or someone who might be able to help?

[Mehvish]

YES YOU SHUD MAIL AND WARN THAT FEMALE

AVOID ADDRESSING SISTERS WITH "BABE"

Why is everyone so quick to warn the female in this situation? The husband made the decision to keep in touch as well.

And I am a sister. She is totally a babe to me. All girls are babes! We're sexy, smart and amazing in our own separate ways. I'm not a lesbian though if thats what you're implying :Hijabi:

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't need a man with women in his baggage.

My dear sister.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds to me like your husband doesn't have an ounce of respect for you:

1) he decieves you and fools you by letting you find out about his affairs, rather than telling you about them himself

2) he's not being compassionate to you as a husband ought to be to his wife; he talks kindly to his ex-girlfriend but not to you

3) he belittles you when he tells you to accept from him what is clearly HARAM. Men and women are not supposed to have any contact to one another if they're not married so his female "friendships" are totally out of the question. Telling you that you need to accept his female friend(s) is something he has no right to do. Telling you that he "needs his privacy" and "needs his space" is very belittlering and disrespectful to you. Especially since you have every reason to not trust his ass (excuse my language, please)

4) he's obviously lying to you. He's having an affair. Maybe not a sexual one but definitely an emotional one

5) he's abusive towards you.

With total understanding for the fact that it must be hard for you to even consider the thought of letting go of your husband, it'd still be something I would do. I can imagine that you might feel that letting go of your husband makes all of those years you spent together seem like wasted years. I know leaving your husband may also raise concerns about what's going to happen next; if you're going to be able to be happy again, if your family is going to be okay with your decision, if you're ever going to get married again...but honestly, if you have trust in Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, then you should also trust that things will work out. I just wouldn't want things to work out with a man who's betrayed me, not looked after my best interests, who's abused me, lied to me, decieved me, disrespected me and doesn't care for me. If there's no such feelings on his behalf in the marriage then I don't see the point of holding on. You sound like a woman who deserves muuuch better than this. Honestly.

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

Why is everyone so quick to warn the female in this situation? The husband made the decision to keep in touch as well.

Exactly! I think it's easier for women to blame the affairs on "the other woman" rather than her husbands;

1) it's easier to "fight" someone who's your own shape and size than someone who's "bigger". Same mechanism bullies at school use: they point out the easiest targets, not the scarier and bigger ones

2) because women see other women as their competition - ergo, affairs are women's fault.

I'd personally be waaay more concerned with my husband, and put the blame on him though. I don't expect some strange woman from the streets to feel any kind of loyalty to me...why should she? I would definitely expect it from my husband though! Because he's made a commitment to me!

[shoelace]

^please do not generalize,i am a man and i do understand in such situation most time man is responsible for such act but in this particular situation i think female is more responsible for her unislamic behaviour...wallah ho alaam

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

^please do not generalize,i am a man and i do understand in such situation most time man is responsible for such act but in this particular situation i think female is more responsible for her unislamic behaviour...wallah ho alaam

Explanation? How so?

[shoelace]

A O A Everyone,

I am married for past eight years. Recently, I discovered that my husband was chatting/emailing his ex-girlfriend. We used to share eachother passwords but then he changed. I somehow got acces to his email once again and noticed that the girl was just wanted to have lovy dovy friendship with him. She is married too and have two kids. I confornted this with my husband but he said she is just a friend. Then he stopped contacting her and she emailed him again and again but he did not reply.

Now on 30th Nov (after 5 months gap) he changed his password once again. He actually changed all of his password. I though something is wrong. I checked his email from his laptop when he was not around and there you go. His email was full of that shameless girl emails. I asked my husband and we are having fights these days. He says he needs his space and privacy. I say that I do not mind you having female friends but I should be in picture. He has now even locked his laptop which is highly unusual.

What I need to mention is that I know my husband is not interested in her as I can reckon it from previous emails etc. But the girl always talk about romantic songs and things which a friend shoild not ask for. I am asking my husband to stop any kind of relationship with her but he says that it is not possible for him and she is JUST a friend.

I just want to have all of your opinion what should I do in this regard. I have not emailed that girl yet. Shall I warn her? What should I do to make my marital life peaceful because I keep argue him all the time. He is never expressive with me but with her he uses kids of words from which his wife remain deprived of. I am in an abusive relationshio but still want to carry it on as I have two kids although I am highly educated and from strong family background with foreign passport. After bearing so much pain of my eight years married life, my husband has come up with this most painful act and he is denying to finish relationship with her. Help me! Let me know what should I do? What would have you done if you (God forbid) were in such situation? I will appreciate serious discussion and suggestion. Looking forward to listen to your views.

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

So if a woman offers herself to a man on a plate, and he eat it, then the fault is on her? I totally disagree with that. In this case, this girl's husband could've blocked his "friend's" e-mail address so that he wouldn't recieve her mails. He could've changed his e-mail. He could've continued ignoring her instead of finally giving in to her. He could've been open to his wife about what things this woman does - but instead he changed his passwords, locked his computer and so on - because he "needs his privacy". Privacy to what? Obviously have an affair.

You say you're man so I can understand the solidairty that you'd have to another man. But logically speaking, no, the woman is not at all more to blame than the man - especially not in this case. I'd still blame him more, actually. Because he had sooo many options but didn't make use of them. Probably because he doesn't want to. He obviously doesn't love his wife, since he can beat her, so why should he be loyal and respectful to her?

[shoelace]

Salam.

So if a woman offers herself to a man on a plate, and he eat it, then the fault is on her? I totally disagree with that. In this case, this girl's husband could've blocked his "friend's" e-mail address so that he wouldn't recieve her mails. He could've changed his e-mail. He could've continued ignoring her instead of finally giving in to her. He could've been open to his wife about what things this woman does - but instead he changed his passwords, locked his computer and so on - because he "needs his privacy". Privacy to what? Obviously have an affair.

You say you're man so I can understand the solidairty that you'd have to another man. But logically speaking, no, the woman is not at all more to blame than the man - especially not in this case. I'd still blame him more, actually. Because he had sooo many options but didn't make use of them. Probably because he doesn't want to. He obviously doesn't love his wife, since he can beat her, so why should he be loyal and respectful to her?

If i offer you a delicious cake with lots of chocolate and strawberry on it that too free will u deny?

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

If i offer you a delicious cake with lots of chocolate and strawberry on it that too free will u deny?

Yes, I don't know you so I don't know if you've slipped something bad into the cake .

Joke aside, I understand your analogy. But it's not a good one because eating a cake and having an affair are two completely different things. By eating a cake, you're not betraying your wife and hurting her feelings - you're not acting against ISLAM. But you do all of that when you choose to have an affair. And I'm sorry, a weak willpower to say NO is not a justification or a reason to put the blame on "the cake".

[shoelace]

Salam.

Yes, I don't know you so I don't know if you've slipped something bad into the cake .

Joke aside, I understand your analogy. But it's not a good one because eating a cake and having an affair are two completely different things. By eating a cake, you're not betraying your wife and hurting her feelings - you're not acting against ISLAM. But you do all of that when you choose to have an affair. And I'm sorry, a weak willpower to say NO is not a justification or a reason to put the blame on "the cake".

well just to add to your knowledge MAN is already weak when it comes to matter of females....i am not shy to admit we are helpless when it comes to free cakes(oops i mean females) lol

but yes it again depends person to person and his taqwaa(fear from GOD) but what i said is applied on majority of males out there

Edited December 7, 2009 by shoelace

[Mohammed-W]

A O A Everyone,

I am married for past eight years. Recently, I discovered that my husband was chatting/emailing his ex-girlfriend. We used to share eachother passwords but then he changed. I somehow got acces to his email once again and noticed that the girl was just wanted to have lovy dovy friendship with him. She is married too and have two kids. I confornted this with my husband but he said she is just a friend. Then he stopped contacting her and she emailed him again and again but he did not reply.

Now on 30th Nov (after 5 months gap) he changed his password once again. He actually changed all of his password. I though something is wrong. I checked his email from his laptop when he was not around and there you go. His email was full of that shameless girl emails. I asked my husband and we are having fights these days. He says he needs his space and privacy. I say that I do not mind you having female friends but I should be in picture. He has now even locked his laptop which is highly unusual.

What I need to mention is that I know my husband is not interested in her as I can reckon it from previous emails etc. But the girl always talk about romantic songs and things which a friend shoild not ask for. I am asking my husband to stop any kind of relationship with her but he says that it is not possible for him and she is JUST a friend.

I just want to have all of your opinion what should I do in this regard. I have not emailed that girl yet. Shall I warn her? What should I do to make my marital life peaceful because I keep argue him all the time. He is never expressive with me but with her he uses kids of words from which his wife remain deprived of. I am in an abusive relationshio but still want to carry it on as I have two kids although I am highly educated and from strong family background with foreign passport. After bearing so much pain of my eight years married life, my husband has come up with this most painful act and he is denying to finish relationship with her. Help me! Let me know what should I do? What would have you done if you (God forbid) were in such situation? I will appreciate serious discussion and suggestion. Looking forward to listen to your views.

(salam)

focus on yourself 100% and get stronger then pray for guidance then do what makes you feel stonger still. be careful of deppression and nervous breakdown look after yourself 100%

when you know yourself you would know exactly what to do.

[Mohammed-W]

A O A Everyone,

I am married for past eight years. Recently, I discovered that my husband was chatting/emailing his ex-girlfriend. We used to share eachother passwords but then he changed. I somehow got acces to his email once again and noticed that the girl was just wanted to have lovy dovy friendship with him. She is married too and have two kids. I confornted this with my husband but he said she is just a friend. Then he stopped contacting her and she emailed him again and again but he did not reply.

Now on 30th Nov (after 5 months gap) he changed his password once again. He actually changed all of his password. I though something is wrong. I checked his email from his laptop when he was not around and there you go. His email was full of that shameless girl emails. I asked my husband and we are having fights these days. He says he needs his space and privacy. I say that I do not mind you having female friends but I should be in picture. He has now even locked his laptop which is highly unusual.

What I need to mention is that I know my husband is not interested in her as I can reckon it from previous emails etc. But the girl always talk about romantic songs and things which a friend shoild not ask for. I am asking my husband to stop any kind of relationship with her but he says that it is not possible for him and she is JUST a friend.

I just want to have all of your opinion what should I do in this regard. I have not emailed that girl yet. Shall I warn her? What should I do to make my marital life peaceful because I keep argue him all the time. He is never expressive with me but with her he uses kids of words from which his wife remain deprived of. I am in an abusive relationshio but still want to carry it on as I have two kids although I am highly educated and from strong family background with foreign passport. After bearing so much pain of my eight years married life, my husband has come up with this most painful act and he is denying to finish relationship with her. Help me! Let me know what should I do? What would have you done if you (God forbid) were in such situation? I will appreciate serious discussion and suggestion. Looking forward to listen to your views.

(salam)

focus on yourself 100% and get stronger then pray for guidance then do what makes you feel stonger still. be careful of deppression and nervous breakdown look after yourself 100%

when you know yourself you would know exactly what to do.

i suggest you expose him/get help from other muslims that will help.

dont be ashamed let him face other men and discuss why he needs to do what he does,dont think he can justify to other religious men and make you seem silly he cant

Edited December 7, 2009 by Mohammed-W

[shoelace]

do u have any common friend? if yes then u can talk about this matter to him/her and see whats his reaction.and what he replies....try ur best to keep it calm

may peace be with you Ameen

[Mohammed-W]

do u have any common friend? if yes then u can talk about this matter to him/her and see whats his reaction.and what he replies....try ur best to keep it calm

may peace be with you Ameen

if you mean her talk to a male mutual friend i advise not shaytain is hoping she picks up her own 'friend' thats why i say expose him and discuss openly with religious authority type men with him present of course

Edited December 7, 2009 by Mohammed-W

[shoelace]

if you mean her talk to a male friend i advise not shaytain is hoping she picks up her own 'friend' thats why i say expose him and discuss openly with religious authority type men with him present of course

i understand what u are trying to say...but if she acts outrageous and try to expose her hubby it might create serious consequence on her married life so better to keep it calm in family members or close friends and solve this silly isue as soon as possible.

things what u are suggesting can be the final option

[Maryaam]

Salam.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't need a man with women in his baggage.

My dear sister.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds to me like your husband doesn't have an ounce of respect for you:

1) he decieves you and fools you by letting you find out about his affairs, rather than telling you about them himself

2) he's not being compassionate to you as a husband ought to be to his wife; he talks kindly to his ex-girlfriend but not to you

3) he belittles you when he tells you to accept from him what is clearly HARAM. Men and women are not supposed to have any contact to one another if they're not married so his female "friendships" are totally out of the question. Telling you that you need to accept his female friend(s) is something he has no right to do. Telling you that he "needs his privacy" and "needs his space" is very belittlering and disrespectful to you. Especially since you have every reason to not trust his ass (excuse my language, please)

4) he's obviously lying to you. He's having an affair. Maybe not a sexual one but definitely an emotional one

5) he's abusive towards you.

With total understanding for the fact that it must be hard for you to even consider the thought of letting go of your husband, it'd still be something I would do. I can imagine that you might feel that letting go of your husband makes all of those years you spent together seem like wasted years. I know leaving your husband may also raise concerns about what's going to happen next; if you're going to be able to be happy again, if your family is going to be okay with your decision, if you're ever going to get married again...but honestly, if you have trust in Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, then you should also trust that things will work out. I just wouldn't want things to work out with a man who's betrayed me, not looked after my best interests, who's abused me, lied to me, decieved me, disrespected me and doesn't care for me. If there's no such feelings on his behalf in the marriage then I don't see the point of holding on. You sound like a woman who deserves muuuch better than this. Honestly.

All the unmarried (including me) have so much advice :P.

i agree, the above situation is not a pretty picture

However, once you have committed yourself to marriage and to children – you need to do all you can to look for repairs when it leaks. The problem is that it needs to be a joint effort or it doesnt work. I don’t know if the OP’s husband is aware of the damage he is causing. He may be thinking that this is harmless fun for him and is in denial as to the extent he has succumbed to this outside relationship and the real cost to his family.

As you described, he is not the man she may have once thought he was; he not only is immature and weak, he does not want this to end (would have cancelled or blocked email as you say) and is unwilling to discuss this with her. She has learned a lot about her husband through this and probably is no longer looking at him with the same status and respect and trust. I don’t know if it is possible to regain that once it is lost.

It would seem, at first reaction that the easiest route is to put this behind her and just move on. Maybe not.

For many women, leaving the husband is not always an open and shut option. They may not have the family backing, education, means to earn a living, nor financial independence.

The wife needs to figure out what is the better situation for her – staying so she can raise her children with minimal financial stress and accepting his separate life – or - leaving but living in a very difficult and desperate situation with possibly many difficulties. Difficult choice to make...

Many things need to be put into place before marriage, such as completed education and a financial portfolio – even if it starts as a modest one. Life can get complicated after you are married.

I think the best thing for her to do is to keep (get?) herself strong, back away from the situation and think. She needs to make sure her decisions are well thought out and not just emotional reaction.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Maryaam

[shoelace]

^ lot many advice in ur head dont let u get married? :Hijabi:

rofl

[Mohammed-W]

i understand what u are trying to say...but if she acts outrageous and try to expose her hubby it might create serious consequence on her married life so better to keep it calm in family members or close friends and solve this silly isue as soon as possible.

things what u are suggesting can be the final option

muslim women should not behave outrageous (at least around strangers)

exposure need not be outrageous at all I think he should be lumped in the deep end explaining himself, discussilng with friends could get messy when he turns the tables on her in front of friends to make himself look better.

anyway youre right too... she may not be able to express herself dignified and calmly in which what you say is better.

[fjawad]

First of all I cannot express how I am feeling after getting so many sincere responses. I did not have any idea that so many people are out there. You guys do not know me but I can feel sincerity. Thanks everyone for your concern.

I talked to him again and again. I cried in front of him (which I usually never do). He said that if you give me in writing that I will never stop him from contacting and becoming friends with ANY girl then he will quit with ex-GF. The other option he gave that he will email her and let her know that my wife knows about or friendship etc. And he will show me his corespondance with her. I have a very important test tomorrow which might turn up as a cancer (God forbid). I gave him two options as well. I asked him to either quit with her or else I will not go for the test. Even then he said that dont talk stupid. He siad he will take me to the test in anyway.The situation is not very good. I pray regularly and read Quran with translatioin. But unfortunately I am wrapped up in depression. There are times when I feel like finishing this agony forever but then may be knowledge and education stops me doing this. Bu then I think about our Ahle Bayt (as). How much pain they went from. We are nothing in front of them. I have everyhting for support money, job, education and family. But then I think it will be so selfish for my kids if I deprive them from their father. May be my case is so different that even I do not have any problem I still want to stay with him. I want to make things better.

I personally believe that all the pain I am going through might look a wastage of time in this world but My Allah is there to count everyone's good and bad deeds. The path of divorce is very easy but there is somehing much better and that is patience. I can never forget words of Hazart Ibrahim (as) "NOW I WILL BE PATIENT AND THE PATIENCE WILL BE WITHOUT ANY COMPLAIN". I wish I could follow that.

[Returniste]

You have no business checking his various email accounts and you have done much wrong in looking into what is not yours. This alone has destroyed some of his trust in you. I think if you just leave the issue alone, it will disappear. Regarding the abuse, does he physically strike you? Or is it name-calling or a harsh tone? Anyhow, it's evident that the channels of communication are not very good here, but don't try to force him into discussions. I'm sure that if you become silent, he will talk, and you can calmly discuss the issues.

[shoelace]

First of all I cannot express how I am feeling after getting so many sincere responses. I did not have any idea that so many people are out there. You guys do not know me but I can feel sincerity. Thanks everyone for your concern.

I talked to him again and again. I cried in front of him (which I usually never do). He said that if you give me in writing that I will never stop him from contacting and becoming friends with ANY girl then he will quit with ex-GF. The other option he gave that he will email her and let her know that my wife knows about or friendship etc. And he will show me his corespondance with her. I have a very important test tomorrow which might turn up as a cancer (God forbid). I gave him two options as well. I asked him to either quit with her or else I will not go for the test. Even then he said that dont talk stupid. He siad he will take me to the test in anyway.The situation is not very good. I pray regularly and read Quran with translatioin. But unfortunately I am wrapped up in depression. There are times when I feel like finishing this agony forever but then may be knowledge and education stops me doing this. Bu then I think about our Ahle Bayt (as). How much pain they went from. We are nothing in front of them. I have everyhting for support money, job, education and family. But then I think it will be so selfish for my kids if I deprive them from their father. May be my case is so different that even I do not have any problem I still want to stay with him. I want to make things better.

I personally believe that all the pain I am going through might look a wastage of time in this world but My Allah is there to count everyone's good and bad deeds. The path of divorce is very easy but there is somehing much better and that is patience. I can never forget words of Hazart Ibrahim (as) "NOW I WILL BE PATIENT AND THE PATIENCE WILL BE WITHOUT ANY COMPLAIN". I wish I could follow that.

i am glad to know u read Quraan on regular basis specially with translation so i am sure u understand how merciful and powerful almighty Allah is...i remember one ayat i am sure u know about it.

[2. Surah Al-Baqarah : Ayah 153]

"O you who believe! seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient."

[8. Surah Al-Anfaal : Ayah 46]

"And obey Allah and His Apostle and do not quarrel for then you will be weak in hearts and your power will depart, and be patient; surely Allah is with the patient."

Allah is with Those Who Believe (Mumineen)

[8. Surah Al-Anfaal : Ayah 19]

"If you demanded a judgment, the judgment has then indeed come to you; and if you desist, it will be better for you; and if you turn back (to fight), We (too) shall turn back, and your forces shall avail you nothing, though they may be many, and (know) that Allah is with the believers."

Allah is with Those Who Restrain Themselves (Muttaqeen)

[9. Surah At-Tawba : Ayah 123]

"O you who believe! fight those of the unbelievers who are nea r to you and let them find in you hardness; and know that Allah is with those who guard (against evil)."

[2. Surah Al-Baqarah : Ayah 194]

"Whoever then acts aggressively against you, inflict injury on him according to the injury he has inflicted on you and be careful (of your duty) to Allah and know that Allah is with those who guard (against evil)."

Allah is with Those Who do Good (Muhsineen)

[16. Surah An-Nahl : Ayah 125-128]

"Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and goodly exhortation, and have disputations with them in the best manner; surely your Lord best knows those who go astray from His path, and He knows best those who follow the right way. And if you take your turn, then retaliate with the like of that with which you were afflicted; but if you are patient, it will certainly be best for those who are patient. And be patient and your patience is not but by (the assistance of) Allah, and grieve not for them, and do not distress yourself at what they plan. Surely Allah is with those who guard (against evil) and those who do good (to others)."

[Doctor_Naqvi]

And I am a sister. She is totally a babe to me. All girls are babes! We're sexy, smart and amazing in our own separate ways. I'm not a lesbian though if thats what you're implying :Hijabi:

Hold-on.Wat kinda trash you're talking about?Just look at Ur way of addressing a girl,sleaze.Wat's Ur soul purpose of telling everyone that you're so tempting,charming and bla,bla,bla?This is pretty un-Islamic.This thread has nothing to do with a women's maverick beauty.This forum is visited by many brothers so why are ya telling them about Ur potential appeal?This is deemed to be a pretty serious issue so why are ya arguing contumaciously? Who are ya to award any-one with such a contumelious title? Do ya know Wat Maidenliness is all about? If you're a female than she's not Ur babe,she's Ur sis.Ya does sound like a lesbian or may be you're pretending to be a girl. Anyways,whoever you're,ya seriously need to work on Ur mode of articulation.

Edited December 7, 2009 by saba fatima naqvi

[FatimaZahra]

(bismillah) (salam)

I will tell you one thing which i believe can change EVERYTHING if Allah (swt) wills. Dua, know that dua can change the future even if that thing was sure to happen! Heres a link which has duas/solutions for marriage problems, and one of them is particularly for your situation which says "if husband is taking interest in another woman". But make sure not to be hopeless in getting help from Allah (swt)

Heres the link http://www.duas.org/matri2.htm

and also read dua yastasheer, >> http://www.duas.org/alaviya/dua1.htm

note: On the page for dua yastasheer read the part in the gray, its amazing.

Inshallah i helped.

(wasalam)

[Marbles]

YES YOU SHUD MAIL AND WARN THAT FEMALE

AVOID ADDRESSING SISTERS WITH "BABE"

What's the issue?

Babe

1. A baby; an infant.

2. An innocent or naive person.

3. Slang - A young woman.

4. Informal - Sweetheart; dear. Used as a term of endearment.

I am not a female but even I have no problem calling "sisters" babe if they don't mind.

[misbah 2004]

Uhh he abuses her....no woman should be made to put up with abuse whether physical or verbal. And for some people here, it's a "silly" issue. LORD!

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

The wife needs to figure out what is the better situation for her – staying so she can raise her children with minimal financial stress and accepting his separate life – or - leaving but living in a very difficult and desperate situation with possibly many difficulties. Difficult choice to make...

What if she had other choices than these two? What if she could leave and live comfortably? In her next post she actually mentions that she's an educated women, has a job, is financially stable and so on. That her kids are the reason she wants to make the marriage work. Alhamdulellah for her independacy...because that definitely opens up more possibilitis for her as to what she can do.

Many Muslim women actually have jobs nowadays, and make a good living...they don't need the husband's money to get by. I don't really assume anymore that women are financially dependant on their husbands. Not in 2009. I don't think financial dependancy on men is so common anymore, that it's something I'd consider. But in this specific case, I didn't consider it because the respective sister asked for advice...I assumed that it means she has a choice. If she had no choice but to stay with her husband in misery I wouldn't understand why she'd ask for advice...

[Alpha_Female]

First of all I cannot express how I am feeling after getting so many sincere responses. I did not have any idea that so many people are out there. You guys do not know me but I can feel sincerity. Thanks everyone for your concern.

My heart goes out to you Sis'. I'm very concerned about women's issue (being a feminist and all), and it makes me so angry when men, especially Muslim men, don't follow the Prophet's, peace be upon him, example of how to treat a woman, a wife. It makes me so angry to hear my sisters' good hearts are being taken advantage of by selfish men. You surely deserve better...

I talked to him again and again. I cried in front of him (which I usually never do). He said that if you give me in writing that I will never stop him from contacting and becoming friends with ANY girl then he will quit with ex-GF. The other option he gave that he will email her and let her know that my wife knows about or friendship etc. And he will show me his corespondance with her.

Why is he sooo insisting on having contact to other women? Sister, be careful if you do decide to stay with him. He doesn't sound like a man who'd be able to stay faithful to you for the rest of your lives...that's just my opinion...

With all due respect, your husband is in NO position to give you "options" to choose from!

1) he's the one who's the jerk!

2) male-female contact between non-mahrams is haram! End of story! There's no negotiating on this matter! For his own sake, remind him of the haramness of the "friendships" he's sooo desperate to keep/make. Nevermind you, remind him to think of Allah, subhana wa ta'ala.

I have a very important test tomorrow which might turn up as a cancer (God forbid).

God forbid. May you hear some good news tomorrow, inshallah.

I gave him two options as well. I asked him to either quit with her or else I will not go for the test.

No Sis', do NOT put your health on the line in any way for a man who's CLEARLY not worth your life. As Muslims we're obligated to look after ourselves...not anybody should make us jeopardize our health. You have children, they're waaay more important than your husband. And they need you, so if you don't go for yourself you HAVE to go for your children. You need to go Sis'...

The situation is not very good. I pray regularly and read Quran with translatioin. But unfortunately I am wrapped up in depression. There are times when I feel like finishing this agony forever but then may be knowledge and education stops me doing this. Bu then I think about our Ahle Bayt . How much pain they went from. We are nothing in front of them.

Mashallah, I admire you for looking for seeking refuge in Allah, subhana wa ta'ala. May He help you and make things easy for you, amin.

I have everyhting for support money, job, education and family. But then I think it will be so selfish for my kids if I deprive them from their father. May be my case is so different that even I do not have any problem I still want to stay with him. I want to make things better.

I'm very happy to hear that you're not dependant on your husband in any way. That definitely opens up more options for you.

Sis', I understand that you want to make things work but I hope you know that it takes two to do that. Be sure that your husband is equally willing to do whatever it takes (including not having any contavt to any women) to save your marriage because if he isn't then there's no point in you doing all the work and struggling with pain and depression; things will not change. Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, reward hardships but that doesn't mean we're not allowed to be happy, and should accept abuse. You're one of the lucky ones who can get out of it...

If you think you're being selfish by leaving your children's father then what does that make your husband? He obviously doesn't really worry about depriving his kids from their mother since he's willing to put your marriage on the line for other women.

Also...a mistake a lot of women make is that they convince themselves that leaving their children's father is the worst thing they can do to their children. But it's not. Sometimes, the worst thing you can do, is to stay with your children's father;

1) if you have daughters, you don't want them to grow up watching your husband beat their mother up. They don't need to grow up thinking that it's normal and okay for women to be treated like this, and accept it when/if their husbands do it to them when they get married. And if you have sons, you don't want them to look at your husband and let them learn from him that abusing women is what men do - and do it to their wives when they get married

2) children are incredibly smart. They sense it when you're sad, upset and depressed. And trust me, it's not good for a child to see his mother in that state. It's not healthy...

3) children are impacted by violence. The abuse you go through, your children go through it with you, Sis'...

I personally believe that all the pain I am going through might look a wastage of time in this world but My Allah is there to count everyone's good and bad deeds.

Alhamdulellah. But if you can avoid pain then that's okay to do, too. Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, doesn't say we should remain in pain, alhamdulellah. So don't feel guilty about pursuing a better life for yourself and your beautiful children. You CAN have a good life on Earth and in the here-after.

The path of divorce is very easy

I don't think it's easy to start a different and new life. But if you choose to do it, which I kind of hope you do Sis', then I wish you all the best. May Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, help you...whatever you decide.

[Alpha_Female]

Salam.

You have no business checking his various email accounts and you have done much wrong in looking into what is not yours.

She does, actually. As his wife she has the right to know what her husband is up to. Especially when he's absent-minded with her and the children.

This alone has destroyed some of his trust in you.

Who cares the slightest bit about him?! Should he get some sympathy for not being able to have affairs in peace and quiet? Seriously, the issue is not about him - definitely not about preserving his privacy, which he has clearly abused.

I think if you just leave the issue alone, it will disappear.

Most likely, it'll make the husband think she's accepts his affairs - and he'll just continue to have them. Maybe even start some new ones.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Alpha_Female