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Salaam

How to get respect from parents

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(bismillah)

(salam)

The title says it all, how can one go about getting respect from parents esp. ones that are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically)?

Maybe someone here has an experience with it? Or those who are older know what their kids could do to get their respect?

I tried googling it and on non-muslim sites the most common advice is just "move out", whilst we as Muslims can't just move away and never look back. We have to maintain ties with parents and have a good relationship with them.

And please keep the "teenagers are so rude these days" comments to yourself. Not everybody is in that scenario.

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I guess parents are deemed to be respected not the children. If they're being abusive to their children then there should be any genuine reason behind that.We should try our level best to not argue with him.Our tone shouldn't be harsh whilst talking to them.If I'd be in the same condition then I'd try to know the actual reason of their hatred 'coz it doesn't make any sense to insult or abuse Ur loved ones gratuitously.

Edited by saba fatima naqvi

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If they don't respect you because they were born and raised with this ideology

that parents are superior no matter what (litterally), then you'll never get their respect

If they don't respect you because you did something bad

Something everyone would agree on is bad, then you'll never get their respect

Or you did something only they think is bad, they'll never respect you...

Because they will see that they failed to make you have there ideologies, thus making you

a complete failure/disaster.

My parents come from a generation where they think being abusive is the only way

to ensure disipline and raise a "pure" hearted child...

So I gave up trying to make truce... Just smile and be nice let them feel superior...

which will result with them being even more abusive because you laid the red carpet for them...

But what else can you do, without going to hell, talk to any religous authority/figure, explain to them all your abuse

and all they will say is ... "He is your daddy", "She is your momma". LOL!

But yea, theyre paretns, let's just learn not to do that with our babies (if we decide to be parents) :angel:

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The title says it all, how can one go about getting respect from parents esp. ones that are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically)?

Maybe someone here has an experience with it? Or those who are older know what their kids could do to get their respect?

So you want to get respect from abusive (i.e ignorant) parents ?

You have no obligation to stay close to such people. They might be your biological parents, so what ?

Abraham turned away from his pagan father, Islam doesn't force you to stay close to your parents.

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Maybe someone here has an experience with it? Or those who are older know what their kids could do to get their respect?

The fine art of people's skills !

Try doing a course on people's skills.

Abraham turned away from his pagan father

Abraham was never disrespectful to his father.

Islam doesn't force you to stay close to your parents.

Islam requires you to respect your parents and be kind to them at all times - regardless how abusive they are.

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Guest SignOfDawn

Naturally, human relationships are based on emotion; they can be explained but not justified. Unlike love, respect is a conscious effort; it is dependant on one's appreciation for value. In order for you to gain the respect of another, you must conform to their ideals, that is, if they have any to relate to. It would be wiser to be respectful than respected, and rather than moving out, be independent. Everybody will appreciate you even if they disapprove of it. Be compassionate when you have a choice and never compromise till you don't, otherwise, be rational.

Parents, and people in general, often confuse right with privilege. The purpose of any relationship ought to be constructive, other than that, it would be meaningless, and one ought to be indifferent to it.

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(bismillah)

(salam)

The title says it all, how can one go about getting respect from parents esp. ones that are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically)?

Maybe someone here has an experience with it? Or those who are older know what their kids could do to get their respect?

I tried googling it and on non-muslim sites the most common advice is just "move out", whilst we as Muslims can't just move away and never look back. We have to maintain ties with parents and have a good relationship with them.

And please keep the "teenagers are so rude these days" comments to yourself. Not everybody is in that scenario.

I am in the same position as you are - trying to gain respect from parents. In all honesty, i think if i was able to stand up to them (ie. be a bit disrespectful), they would respect me a lot more. Sometimes parents can really abuse the level of respect we have for them and do need to be put back into place.

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Abraham was never disrespectful to his father.

Turning away from his father has nothing to do with disrespect, specially when his father was an idol worshipper.

Islam requires you to respect your parents and be kind to them at all times - regardless how abusive they are.

That's what I call blind faith. God isn't blind, he knows perfectly you have no obligation of staying close to abusive parents who do not change their attitudes.

We must respect parents and be kind to them because parents are supposed to love and respect us aswell at all times, if they are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically), I don't see ANY reason to keep respecting such ignorant parents.

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if they are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically), I don't see ANY reason to keep respecting such ignorant parents.

To OP,this is Wat ya get when ya make Ur affairs public. Now they've started to award Ur parents with the most raunchy title,"Ignorant".Simply ask Ur parents that why are they treating ya like this? Try to fill in that generation gap b/w ya and Ur parents.Try to figure out that Where are ya lacking? I'd not advice ya to dumb Ur parents as ya can't forget that they had nurtured ya when you were just an immunodeficient infant and its not fair at all to turn Ur back onto them when they're getting Oap. So just be sensible and modest to Ur parents.

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Guest SignOfDawn

^ I don't think that's simply the case, but anyway, what the statement implies is incorrect; abuse doesn't necessarily indicate ignorance. Conflict is common, but self-control isn't. Depth and complexity of a relationship make it more sophisticated and less obvious. As a result, many victims of abuse in general experience a false sense of guilt and insecurity.

Parents and children are human first and last by right and responsibility. That human side of their lives is what makes the relationship possible despite the odds.

Edited by SignOfDawn

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(bismillah)

(salam)

The title says it all, how can one go about getting respect from parents esp. ones that are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically)?

Maybe someone here has an experience with it? Or those who are older know what their kids could do to get their respect?

I tried googling it and on non-muslim sites the most common advice is just "move out", whilst we as Muslims can't just move away and never look back. We have to maintain ties with parents and have a good relationship with them.

And please keep the "teenagers are so rude these days" comments to yourself. Not everybody is in that scenario.

Have you tried to talk things out with your parents? Or if you're not that sort, perhaps writing a letter of your feelings to your parents?

Maybe you can get an elder to mediate your problem cuz we do not really what happened and why they are like that or have you misbehaved or did something that make them like that..

Edited by Zahra Ruhullah

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The title says it all, how can one go about getting respect from parents esp. ones that are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically)?

(salam)

Confront your parents, ask them why they abuse you. Ask them if they were abuse when they were children. Tell them you are no longer going to accept it anymore. If they don't stop abusing you then you need to seek help from outside. Seek help from elders in the community.

But if you can stop the abuse by yourself, then that will be the best way.

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Thanks for the replies, all of them :)

sorry to say but this would be just one sided discussion.we don't know how do you behave with your parents, what's the reason behind their abusiveness ?do you find yourself guilty somewhere ?

It is a one-sided discussion unfortunately and it'll remain so since you'll never hear my parents' side of the story!

There isn't any particular reason behind it, they're generally happy with who I am (I do my very best to obey them) I think it's just my personality or something. My mother keeps telling me to "change", but I can't just push a button and change my personality. Ironically she raised me to be this way. So the only "guilt" I can see in myself is in the occasions I've disobeyed my parents due to my personality, but they've only been minor things, and a lot of the times it's not even disobedience, they just flip on me for random reasons. It's so unpredictable. Sometimes it's not even that they flip, it's just normal to call me by derogatory names, they don't need to be angry with me to do it.

I've been keeping it in for many years, but recently I just snap sometimes and it's worrying me, because I don't want to hurt their feelings and I don't want to be a bitter person. It's ironic how when we were younger I was the most obedient child, I thought doing housework or having a disease would make them sympathize with me and treat me better, as it turned out that doesn't work. And now I'm the most messed-up one. I'm angry/frustrated often when I'm at home, for no apparent reason. Other than that I try to be jolly, joke around, tend to their needs, respect and obey them.

If they don't respect you because they were born and raised with this ideologythat parents are superior no matter what (litterally), then you'll never get their respectIf they don't respect you because you did something badSomething everyone would agree on is bad, then you'll never get their respect Or you did something only they think is bad, they'll never respect you...Because they will see that they failed to make you have there ideologies, thus making youa complete failure/disaster.My parents come from a generation where they think being abusive is the only wayto ensure disipline and raise a "pure" hearted child...So I gave up trying to make truce... Just smile and be nice let them feel superior...which will result with them being even more abusive because you laid the red carpet for them...But what else can you do, without going to hell, talk to any religous authority/figure, explain to them all your abuseand all they will say is ... "He is your daddy", "She is your momma". LOL!But yea, theyre paretns, let's just learn not to do that with our babies (if we decide to be parents) :angel:

Don't say that! There HAS TO BE a solution!!!

So you want to get respect from abusive (i.e ignorant) parents ? You have no obligation to stay close to such people. They might be your biological parents, so what ? Abraham turned away from his pagan father, Islam doesn't force you to stay close to your parents.

Whoahhhh, "so what?" They only fed me, changed my diapers, and clothed me for all these years! I owe them so much, it'd be very unnoble and lowly to "forget" about that.

The fine art of people's skills !Try doing a course on people's skills.Abraham was never disrespectful to his father.Islam requires you to respect your parents and be kind to them at all times - regardless how abusive they are.

There are courses in people's skills? Where? Have you taken them? Maybe you can share some of your knowledge with us :)

I am in the same position as you are - trying to gain respect from parents. In all honesty, i think if i was able to stand up to them (ie. be a bit disrespectful), they would respect me a lot more. Sometimes parents can really abuse the level of respect we have for them and do need to be put back into place.

Actually one of my siblings disrespects my parents and it doesn't help, it just hurts their feelings. But I get where you're coming from, I'm the meekest of the kids and that's probably part of the reason I get so much more beef than my siblings.

Turning away from his father has nothing to do with disrespect, specially when his father was an idol worshipper.That's what I call blind faith. God isn't blind, he knows perfectly you have no obligation of staying close to abusive parents who do not change their attitudes. We must respect parents and be kind to them because parents are supposed to love and respect us aswell at all times, if they are outright abusive to you (verbally, emotionally or physically), I don't see ANY reason to keep respecting such ignorant parents.

Actually we have a religious obligation to be kind and respectful to our parents, even if they're disbelievers. Ignoring them is not kind. And they have already done so much, we'll never be able to repay them.

And I wouldn't call them ignorant except for in cases where they say and do things that are unislamic (which is true in some cases), but overall I'm not that much "smarter" than them. And if they don't understand certain concepts it is because of their background, I don't know if your parents have that issue but if they do you should try to be more understanding of it. Some of our parents were not as privileged as us and were simply not exposed to certain ideas at an age where it'd stick, and now it seems it's too late to teach them these things - they just forget. My mother is actually a very intelligent and competent woman, I guess she's just a bit too strong for me.

To OP,this is Wat ya get when ya make Ur affairs public. Now they've started to award Ur parents with the most raunchy title,"Ignorant".Simply ask Ur parents that why are they treating ya like this? Try to fill in that generation gap b/w ya and Ur parents.Try to figure out that Where are ya lacking? I'd not advice ya to dumb Ur parents as ya can't forget that they had nurtured ya when you were just an immunodeficient infant and its not fair at all to turn Ur back onto them when they're getting Oap. So just be sensible and modest to Ur parents.

Serves me right for telling maybe. That's why I don't tell people in my community.

I have tried talking to my mother about it, she just gets angry and goes on the offensive and the next day if I ask her about it she can't remember a word I've said.

Have you tried to talk things out with your parents? Or if you're not that sort, perhaps writing a letter of your feelings to your parents?Maybe you can get an elder to mediate your problem cuz we do not really what happened and why they are like that or have you misbehaved or did something that make them like that..

I have tried talking about it, it's never of any use. It seems it's not important enough for my mother to remember. I just try to avoid any confrontation, but when it comes up and I'm the middle of it I can actually say "what's the point of telling you, you won't remember this tomorrow" and lo and behold, the next day it's as if it never happened.

I can't get elders to mediate, we don't have any of those who are close enough to know about our problems and have that sort of effect on my parents. They don't even accept the rulings of Islam when it doesn't suit them, do you think they're going to accept what some family friend, sheikh, or relative says? Besides, telling others would be seen as a great disrespect and betrayal to them.

(salam)Confront your parents, ask them why they abuse you. Ask them if they were abuse when they were children. Tell them you are no longer going to accept it anymore. If they don't stop abusing you then you need to seek help from outside. Seek help from elders in the community. But if you can stop the abuse by yourself, then that will be the best way.

Ironically they were abused too, and some of the stuff they do is exactly what their parents did to them. Pointing that out does not help. And they're not the type of people you can sit down and have a rational conversation with, if you point out something they did wrong they just get really angry and say they don't want to be corrected by their child.

There isn't enough information given for anyone to offer any useful advice.

I know, I figured the problem was common enough for people to be able to give advice. There isn't really anything "specific" about my case, except for the fact that I'm a bit of a pushover. I didn't elope or do anything that "changed" everything, it's been this way for as long as I can remember.

Edited by Salaam

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There are courses in people's skills?

Of course, there are.

Where?

What is the point in my telling you about the part of the world I live in ? Do your own findings. Talk to course providers. An Internet search may also help.

"...Indeed Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change it themselves ..." (Ar-Ra'd: 11)

Absolutely

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salaam,

you give respect to get respect. its simple as that.

meaning: by giving respect to the parents, their perspective of you changes. hence their behaviour towards you changes. imagine it this ways. a person comes up to you and wants to convey the message. for example. no smoking. they can say, a) smoking is prohibited. B ) thank you for not smoking. which one will you be more likely to respond more respectfully to, and with more love. if you if you behave with them respectfully and calmly, then they will as well. there are messages us youth have to give to our parents. yeah sure. but it depends as to how you give it. based upon that, your parents behaviour towards you will change.

Wasalaam.

Edited by zafarheen

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But I get where you're coming from, I'm the meekest of the kids and that's probably part of the reason I get so much more beef than my siblings.

I think it's possible that this is the reason why they're so hard on you. Although I haven't lived with my parents for 9 years (moved out when I went to college), they still treat me the worst of all the kids. I never really understand why... I'm the most successful (have 4 degrees, a job, in a stable relationship), and treat them respectfully and kindly. My brothers don't have any degrees yet (despite one being in school for 7 years now, yikes), one drinks and does drugs and never shows up for family events (or is really late and shows no remorse), and the other is always arguing with them and being grumpy (treats my mom like [Edited Out]; argues with her, criticizes her, puts her down). They often ask them for money (and if it doesn't work, they try to make them feel really guilty), while I don't. They have been kind enough to pay for my cell phone and my car insurance while I was in college (same for my brothers). But, over the summer, I had just graduated and was having difficulty finding a job - I couldn't even get a job at a grocery store! It was a very depressing time to say the least. Finally I told them about my situation (I didn't ask for money or help though; I just wanted them to know what was going on). Their response was to ignore all that and tell them that since I've graduated I need to pay for my car insurance and my cell phone on my own now. I was shocked to say the least. They're always on my case, criticizing me, not valuing anything I have to say, arguing with me (when I have degrees in the particular areas they seem to think they're superior in)... my brothers have no respect for me and make fun of me and don't take me seriously either. My mom likes to talk to me but all the men in the family ridicule her so much too that she usually gives up and sides with them.

My family isn't Muslim - they're Christian (although this type of behavior isn't appropriate in Christianity either). They don't know I'm Muslim either, so that isn't the source of it. They've always treated me this way. I don't know if it's because I'm the oldest and they're harder on me... or if they think being hard on me was the cause of my success so they continue to be hard on me.... Someone else told me that my family seems to have no respect for women, which is possible. It's similar in my extended family - everyones makes fun of each other (it's eat or be eaten basically), and the 'men know best and the women are just dumb and emotional'. I always responded to it all by trying to make myself invisible.

So, the point is that parents being hard on their children isn't always the fault of the child for being direspectful or rebellious. Sometimes parents follow the way they were treated growing up, thinking it's the best way. Sometimes they have misguided beliefs that this particular way of treating their kids is better than other ways. Sometimes they're just so unaware of their own problems and emotions that they blindly take it out on the easiest target - the one who will suck it up and take it and not fight back.

Now that you're trying to stand up for yourself by talking to them about it, your mom is conveniently 'forgetting'. This is likely because as human beings, we hate change. She is responding to her dislike of the change you are proposing by ignoring it completely. The family system has been set this way for a long time, and now you're shaking things up and trying to change things around. Everyone is comfortable with the roles each person plays (except you), and no one wants it changed. They won't like their 'whipping boy' being taken from them - who will they take everything out on? No one else in the family will take it, it seems. They would then be forced to deal with their own issues and emotions in a responsible way, which is much, much harder. In family therapy, this is one of the big challenges faced when one member of the family decides to make a change - it upsets the entire family system. Everyone will be forced to accomodate the change in some way, and if the person is making a change from dysfunctional to functional, the other members may object to having their dysfunctional roles challenged as a result.

Edited by sukaina_08

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Salaam,

In my most sincere and humble ways I ask you to be patient, analyze the situation ,and understand that Allah (swt) puts every person in different situations for many reasons.

We all live our lives with different kinds of trials. I can tell you that I have read many times by credible hadith and tafseer that Allah (swt) tells us He (swt) will test his Believers over

and over again.

The answer to our problems is Supplication, Supplication, and more Supplication. Allah (swt) wants us to always be in His (swt) need. He (swt) must be the first we seek

for help, advice, and answers.

Please refer to www.duas.org there is specific duaa for relationsip with parents. You must start believing and then having faith in Allah (swt) by speaking with Him (swt) who created you

and is in control of this situation ultimately!

I can go through and ask you specifics and we can sit here for hours to discuss to point fingers, but as much as we describe our living situations--homes are so private it is hard to paint the picture.

I understand from the bottom of my heart and pray for you.

I can also tell you that one of the greatest tests is with that of a spouse or parent, b/c like you said it is not easy to just walk out. Your reward will be great and InshAllah you will connect with Allah(swt) through this difficult time maybe leading you to understand Him(swt) more. This may be the outcome of his Wisdom (Hikmah) and Decree!

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Thanks for the replies, all of them :)

It is a one-sided discussion unfortunately and it'll remain so since you'll never hear my parents' side of the story!

There isn't any particular reason behind it, they're generally happy with who I am (I do my very best to obey them) I think it's just my personality or something. My mother keeps telling me to "change", but I can't just push a button and change my personality. Ironically she raised me to be this way. So the only "guilt" I can see in myself is in the occasions I've disobeyed my parents due to my personality, but they've only been minor things, and a lot of the times it's not even disobedience, they just flip on me for random reasons. It's so unpredictable. Sometimes it's not even that they flip, it's just normal to call me by derogatory names, they don't need to be angry with me to do it.

sa

My advise to you would be to be patient and pray for your parents often.

ive seen this happen before, where parents disrespect children, and in my experience it is often because the child disrespects the parents, unknowingly. Remember the words of Allh when he commands us to 'lower the wings of humility' towards them. This talks about modesty, respect, and treating parents like PARENTS rather than friends. You may well be aware of this, but im advising according to my experience.

When feeling angry at your mother, recall your love for her, and also remember the reward of him who respects his mother even when she is not very nice to him.

Be cautious of your behaviour towards your parents at all times, because if you stop respecting them or be too casual with them, they will end up not respecting you. if you think you are better than them, they will feel belittled and frustrated. always be careful that when you joke around with your parents, the jokes are respectful decent jokes, that when you relate stories, you keep in mind that they are your elders and to be respected, even though they are close to you, you cannot treat them the same as your friends or siblings. this will increase your respect for them, and in turn, their respect for you..

and of course, speak to them gently. be patient, Allh will reward you. pray for them, they deserve it, however they may be.

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Salam.

sorry to say but this would be just one sided discussion.

we don't know how do you behave with your parents, what's the reason behind their abusiveness ?

do you find yourself guilty somewhere ?

Are you serious? dry.gif. What exactly do you think a person could do that would justify their parents being verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to them?

To the author: I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with abuse. I know that it can be extremely hard to do something about it as a Muslim, because most of us can't just "move out" or even talk to family and friends about it. But all hope is not out, inshallah. I know a Muslim girl, who's now in her early 20s, who went through it all, too; verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, brainwashing, being controlled, being threatened etc. It was pretty harsh stuff. She's doing really good now though, and have no problems with her parents - in fact, she's never had as good of a relationship to them, as she does now. So things can change...but you probably have to actively work towards the changes. That's what my friend did. It was hard for her, sure...she had to basically confront her parents with what they were doing to her, stand up to them and defend herself and let them know what her side of things were. It took a while for her parents to adjust to the fact that the little girl they'd been able to abuse and control for years and years is now a young woman who can differ right from wrong and wrong from right. She's told me that it's a very bizarre, but amazing, feeling that she's gone from being treated like a worthless dog to being someone the entire family relies on and seriously listen to.

I sincerely hope you'll find your way to make sure that the abuse stops. I'll remember you in my du'a...

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