Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
Maryaam

Serial Monogamy

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

A question for SISTERS:

Taking away cultural taboos, do you think you would ever be interested in considering or pursuing serial monogamy?

I remember serial monogamy being mentioned in cultural anthropology but at the time was not that interested and did not really play close attention.

But I have since read a couple of articles and have been thinking more about it with all the talk of polygamous nature of man, jealousy of women, and the possibility of the unhappiness of both in long term dead relationships, have been wondering whether at least some Shia women would be interested in serial mutah. Each could be short (months) or quite long term (many years), and legal as long as iddah was respected. Mutah in this case being a fully committed relationship, for the duration, as there would be in a successful nikah. Would the relationships be more intense and satisfying to women? Would this satisfy the needs of both men and women and address their hesitancy for marriage? Would this give women more flexibility and options?

Although not the norm, AFAIK, please correct me if I am wrong, this is fully within the bounds of Islam. Maybe because of an historical cultural reluctance to embrace mutah for women, this has not been fully explored. :unsure:

Related abridged article:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200810/is-serial-monogamy-worth-pursuing

Is Serial Monogamy Worth Pursuing?

The difficulties surrounding romantic relationships in modern society have popularized a version of monogamy, which may be termed "serial monogamy." In this version, commitment or exclusivity typical of monogamy is maintained but it is usually confined to a limited period. In this increasingly popular romantic pattern, people still believe in some moderate form of ideal love, but give up their basic pretense that it should last forever. The beloved is still regarded to be unique, but in many cases he is not so for the rest of our life.

There is empirical evidence indicating that monogamy has been prevalent only among a minority of human societies (less than 20%) and an even smaller minority among mammals (about 3%). Most people, throughout history and around the globe, have arranged things so that marriage and sex do not necessarily coincide. Moreover, in many otherwise monogamous societies, extramarital sex has been permitted under special conditions (e.g., certain holidays) or with particular partners (such as the husband's brothers).

On the basis of a comprehensive study, David Barash and Judith Lipton conclude that there is no evidence that monogamy is somehow "natural" or "normal" for humans; on the contrary, there is abundant evidence that people have long been prone to having multiple sexual partners. However, they also reject the claim that monogamy is unnatural or abnormal, especially since it is the way most people have been living in recent times. Human beings are enormously flexible creatures and exhibit adaptability in dealing with the issue of monogamy and romantic exclusivity. Accordingly, they argue that "what makes human beings unusual among other mammals is not our penchant for polygamy, but the fact that most people practice at least some form of monogamy."

The compromise required in serial monogamy is not merely in giving up the dream of eternal romantic love, but also in relinquishing certainty and living in some sort of make-belief environment. People behave as if their current romantic relationship will last forever, and they really hope it will be so, but they will not be devastated if it does not turn out that way. In this case most people will look for another ideal love and some may even find someone whom they perceive to be closer to the ideal lover; however, this again may be for a limited time. People are taking their monogamous relationship seriously, but they do not necessarily believe that it must also be eternal.

Monogamist societies prevail since they give people some kind of certainty and security that enable them to devote their resources to other issues. Serial monogamy gives such a sense of certainty and security for only a limited time, but this is the kind of accommodation people make for having greater novelty and romantic excitement in their life. Moreover, serial monogamy may reduce the old time practice of proclaimed monogamy with clandestine adultery.

Serial monogamy does not involve profound emotional difficulties; on the contrary, it is in accordance with the brief nature of emotions and the significant role that the notion of change plays for this generation. Furthermore, despite its limited duration, this pattern also provides some sense of stability and exclusivity. Accordingly, serial monogamy has been the most prevailing form of romantic relationship and is likely to continue to be so. The sought-after ideal may still be that of long-lasting monogamy, but the fallback, when such an ideal is not feasible, is that of serial monogamy.

Edited by Maryaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As your article suggests, the sought after ideal is long-lasting monogamy, which practically equals a long-lasting permanent marriage. The only difference is that with mutah, there is an underlying understanding that you can separate anytime if you want. The article makes it sound easy but it is naive to assume that you can easily separate in mutah. You could develop emotional attachment and it can hurt real bad if one partner is tired of the relationship but the other is not. The pain would be the same as divorce. Things will get more difficult if kids are involved.

Secondly, given the social difficulties for women in Muslim societies, it would still be men who will run the show. So the extra choices that the freedom of mutah (and moving on if the man doesn't behave) will still not be there. Unless women are financially independent and strong enough to face the social implications of changing partners every now and then.

Mutah should only be an option where permanent marriage is not viable due to any reason. To steal sister smiley's line: "There is more to right and wrong than halal and haram". Serial monogamy for women will make them more vulnerable.

Mutah was originally meant for men who couldn't hold on to "it" - and so they sought single women who were normally divorced or widows. This is proper use of mutah. Why would women want to make it mainstream? Lo, women want to copy men in all respects. It's a clear sign of the End Days. Wait for the Mahdi. He will fix all copy cats. :huh:

Edited by Marbles

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Umm.. thre could be positives - the mutah would last as long as both parties are interested in working on the relationship – it could possibly encourage a more dynamic situation.

There is a probability of one being hurt – but that exists in all marriages. It would be better to leave a marriage where love and respect still remain than stay in a bad relationship until resentment and hate was sniffing at the door. Perhaps if things are really bad, it is just best to move on......before these feelings develop.

The social implications are the biggest barrier to women exercising this option. Financial implications can be considered ahead of time and planned for.

Is there a “proper” use of mutah? :unsure: Is it only to address men’s needs? I thought it was designed to meet the needs of women – at least that is how it has been explained so many times – taking care of women who are on their own.

What!! I can’t see how having a mutah marriage is “copying” men??? Isn’t it encouraged for both genders to marry ...???

Mutah is definitely not for everyone – but I think there are men and women who could benefit from it if used in a creative way. The advantages need to be explored.

Mutah must have been made halal for a better use than one night stands.

just trying to think outside the box........ :angel:

Edited by Maryaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Although not the norm, AFAIK, please correct me if I am wrong, this is fully within the bounds of Islam.

read this:

The Prophet said “Allah considers as His enemy and damns the man who relishes changing wives one after the other, and the woman who delights in changing husbands one after the other.”

http://www.al-islam.org/rightsofwomeninislam/25.htm

Sister isn't the whole idea a product of pessimism ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you get paternal consent for the first man, and parental approval for the rest?

Why would you even want to do it? Experience? Variety? Lack of commitment?

Doesn't seem to be worth the trouble for me at least.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

read this:

http://www.al-islam.org/rightsofwomeninislam/25.htm

Sister isn't the whole idea a product of pessimism ?

Mutah is a valid marriage and would come to an end and could be renewed. If there were cruelties and injustices, it could end without divorce. Maybe people would work harder if they did not take their spouse for granted. The fact that, say, the man, could change his mind about his wife would be open and clear, and she would not suffer the same level of devastation as she has already planned for the end of the mutah period.

The Prophet said “Allah considers as His enemy and damns the man who relishes changing wives one after the other, and the woman who delights in changing husbands one after the other.”

Thank you. This is interesting...and makes sense. It is a promotion of stability - which is healthy.

Although - I have never seen it referred to on the numerous threads where men proclaim one night stands are a necessity and mutah is a halal means of procurring this. One brother even proclaimed with ahadith a plenty as to mutah with a prostitute - which I am sure was fairly short term.

However, I was not referring to many spouses, but in the flexibility within marriage that would permit an end if needed. It could possibly last a lifetime. The plan is not to rotate spouses on a daily basis - but to address the reality that there is serial monogamy and to create an halal expression for it.

This obviously would not be for everyone - I just was wondering if there were sister who would contemplate this if the social stigma was removed.

Edited by Maryaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you get paternal consent for the first man, and parental approval for the rest?

Why would you even want to do it? Experience? Variety? Lack of commitment?

Doesn't seem to be worth the trouble for me at least.

This would not be for everyone, as I said. I was just interested in the idea - not personally - just academically (for want of a better word). Thre seems to be lots of proof that monogamy is not always just once. The longer we live - the longer the expectation of the marriage. People used to die when they were 40-45 years old. Were people expected to be in a happy harmonious relationship for 60 or 70 years? Cultural anthropologists are asking that question.

For women, one positive I see in it is to give them a chance to have a satisfying marriage after the husbands interest in her had waned, so that she is not in an unhappy and potentially cruel situation with no options. It would give the opportunity for both to examine whether they wanted to work together or seperate on good terms.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree with this.

Emotion notwithstanding, there are advantages to stability.

The cynicism of this topic reminds me of a topic we saw ages ago here: Spouses for Hire.

Stability is what all humans aim for on a micro and macro level. It is the ideal.

But, is perm marriage a guaranteed stabilty? Do those who get married through nikah have true stabilty - in the real not the theoretical world? Are there room for options?

This is not like spouses for hire.

I dont think the article is meant to be cynical and my intent is not cynical - just curiousity.

I can understand how this could be misinterpreted though. And any change from the cultural norm is likely to be rejected due to the discomfort.

Edited by Maryaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you get paternal consent for the first man, and parental approval for the rest?

Why would you even want to do it? Experience? Variety? Lack of commitment?

Doesn't seem to be worth the trouble for me at least.

This reply runs the risk of derailing the thread but women are not required to seek parental permission for the second and subsequent marriages, either temporary or permanent. Secondly, whether women are required to seek parental permission for the first time or not is disputed. Some scholars deem it recommend. If so, the marriage will be correct if the girl does not have the permission from home. Thirdly, the requirement of compulsory permission for girls who want to marry for the first time is for those who are not rashidah - something like those females who "can't manage their money." It was normal practice to marry off girls at very young age - 9 or more - in medieval times. So the condition of being a rashidah sounds like a safety measure to protect them against manipulative men. A virgin girl, today, at the age of, say, 18, is adult enough to "manage her money".

Oh and then there is the issue of 'urf of the society. A society in which it is not common for girls to seek parental approval for marriage can bypass this condition.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe people would work harder if they did not take their spouse for granted. The fact that, say, the man, could change his mind about his wife would be open and clear, and she would not suffer the same level of devastation as she has already planned for the end of the mutah period.

Sister that is a "western" way of looking at things. You are thinking of the whole relationships/ dating scene. It still comes down to pessimism. The belief that things are bound to go badly in marriage and are there are a lack of good men. (its not all about women, I have a non muslim friend who has come close to suicide a few times because the girl he wanted to marry really killed him off, all for some far away job, on more than one occcasion. Being a kaffir means he has no akhira or justice to look forward to, his parents still think he is going to marry her, poor guy!!). Now tell me if this man wanted to marry some holy shia girl (if he was at her level) wouldn't the chances of him being in such a mess be reduced? The fact is, the solution is to marry a very very good person ... and they do exist.

The problems you mentioned exist in the non muslim world too where some kind of serial monogomy does supposedly exist.

Edited by Muhammed Ali

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sister that is a "western" way of looking at things. You are thinking of the whole relationships/ dating scene.

...with a halal touch. You see if cultural barriers are taken away, perhaps this is what most (or many) people in a society would do. i.e; go for short lived relationships, temporary set ups etc and will tend to move on if it doesn't suit them anymore. Perhaps it has also to do with the individualist nature of the Westerners (as opposed to Muslims who are collectivists). It is clear to us that people (in the West) do get out of relationships far easily if something goes amiss than Eastern Muslims and Western Muslims with cultural baggage. Westerners wouldn't stick to a miserable situation for the sake of society, culture and etc.

A tad bit off topic: We Muslims pride at the fact that the divorce rate in our societies is far less than it is in the West. They don't see what's causing this. The moment you lift so many cultural barriers and especially give women more choices, the divorce rate in Muslim societies will hit the ceiling. I kid you not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To me, 'serial monogamy' seems like a big hassle. Getting in and out of a marriage is not like getting a boyfriend (or girlfriend). You join your life what the other person's life. You set up house, have to learn each other's habits, take financial resonsibility for each other, make life decisions together, develop a common social circle, etc. You build a life together. People say it usually takes at least a year to get used to a new spouse. This is all apart from the emotional stuff.

They say when two divorced people remarry, there are four people in the bed. (Sorry to be blunt here) Having a boyfriend is different than spending every night with someone as a spouse. You carry that baggage with you into future relationships. Life just gets more complicated.

To most people, marriage is an investment. You invest time, money, and effort in the marriage hoping it will pay off in long term stability, support, companionship, etc. A lot of times, when people's marriages fail, they feel like they 'wasted' their time because the investment didn't pay off.

And that's ignoring the emotional and practical cost of divorce, being unable to afford the house you were living in, maybe needing to move somewhere else for financial or personal reasons, etc.

I would say it would be a particular hassle for women since in a lot of cultures they are expected to adjust to the man's preferences and habits and needs. (Although I'm not male so I can't speak for men)

Of course, the other option is just living singly and running one's own life without someone else and having a 'husband' as a boyfriend..... which is basically living alone which is not healthy long term, nor is it even physically safe to spend so much time alone. People should have families and companionship.

Mutah is a valid marriage and would come to an end and could be renewed. If there were cruelties and injustices, it could end without divorce. Maybe people would work harder if they did not take their spouse for granted. The fact that, say, the man, could change his mind about his wife would be open and clear, and she would not suffer the same level of devastation as she has already planned for the end of the mutah period.

It doesn't usually work like this for real people. It's a good theory, but humans are complicated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In any case, our faith is very clear about communicating family values and the importance of marriage. Our hadith encourage marriage, condemn divorce as the most hated act before Allah, and condemn men and women who 'taste' spouses by marrying one after other.

Whether we agree with it or not, this is what our religion says. Most of us are relatively young (say, middle-aged and below). Wisdom grows as you age. When people grow older, they often realize the importance of things that they didn't find so important when they were young and healthy and had all the time in the world.

I am not saying that people should be forced to stay in destructive or unhealthy marriages. Divorce should be an option when it is ncesary and this is something that does need to be addressed in some areas. (Although I think worldwide the divorce rate has gone up, both east and west)

However, promoting family ideals other than long-term marriage is not healthy or empowering, either to the individual or society.

It is better to try to promote ways of having healthy families, reducing domestic abuse or conflict, etc, rather than to take what looks like the easy route and promote splitting apart the family structure.

You see today in some Western countries the effect of this 'empowerment'. There are a lot of women nowadays (especially middle aged and up) who would like to be married and have a stable family but who are single moms and grow old alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kind of a strange suggestion. How would this work exactly? I men what is serial monogamy but a series of multiple failures?

It strikes me that there are only two types of relationships you would plan on having. One is defined from the outset to be for the fulfilment of physical needs, and is intended to be broken off when either partner want to move on. The other is a long-lasting commitment. How can you plan for serial monogamy?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kind of a strange suggestion. How would this work exactly? I men what is serial monogamy but a series of multiple failures?

It strikes me that there are only two types of relationships you would plan on having. One is defined from the outset to be for the fulfilment of physical needs, and is intended to be broken off when either partner want to move on. The other is a long-lasting commitment. How can you plan for serial monogamy?

Planning would be to commit to a certain period of time (months or years) with the option to extend. There are realtionships (including perma marriage) that dont develop past a certain point - but I dont know if I would call them failures - they are just relationships that end without developing passion.

There is lots written on serial monogamy - but as Muhammed Ali said -it is similar to the Western comcept of dating. I was wondering if it could be redefined within the Eastern concept of mutah.

Yes - it sounds strange to us but the concept has been around for a long time... the study of it comes from the fact that people are increasingly in several monogamous relationships - Muslims too - perhaps connected to the fact that we live longer.

I was wondering if it was advantagous for some women to engage in defined term marriages - for whatever reasons. However, the women that responded would rather be in a relationship that had promise of long lasting deep romantic love.

Edited by Maryaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was wondering if it was advantagous for some women to engage in defined term marriages - for whatever reasons. However, the women that responded would rather be in a relationship that had promise of long lasting deep romantic love.

I think it is a priority for a woman when she enters a relationship to look for stability. Most women (and I'm talking about mature women who make their own decisions rather than teenagers who are arranged married) when choosing a potential spouse, tend to go for men who can afford them a sense of belonging, who commit to them and basically are looking to stay in a relationship. I have not met a woman who just wanted a short term relationship and see if it grows into a permanent one at the end of the day. And this is not taking kids under consideration.

A woman, by nature, wants a long lasting relationship because we get emotionally attached very easily. And sister BintAlHoda has mentioned several practical points regarding finances and moving house and etc. I think a woman cannot afford a series of temporary marriages due to these reasons. Besides it would only promote taking the easy way out every time u face a problem in any aspect of life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Where in Quran does it say what kind of marriage a woman can pursue? Can someone show me the verse please?

I would also like to know about above question, also I would like to know more about Muttah laws, such as what if woman get permanent ? and what If man n wife later on decide to live with each other permanently? Is there such thing called Muttah for life? and if man and woman get Nikkah, would Nikkah take over muttah??

need HELP ??

anyone???

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^ Look in the society/family issues thread, and go to the mutah thread - you'll find plenty of information there.

As for the idea of serial monogamy, I would concur with Dirac Delta Function. I would see the end of each relationship as being a failure. The more failures, the more I would think that I'm at fault, since the only factor remaining the same in all these relationships is myself. But, I guess it depends on your goals when getting into a relationship. If your goal is simply to pass the time with someone to avoid being alone, have companionship, and fulfill sexual desires, then a mutually agreed upon end wouldn't be seen as a failure, but rather natural closure. But, that only works if the relationship runs smoothly and there aren't any problems that arise that break up the relationship instead. And, if your relationship has no major issues, then why would you end it and start over with someone else, knowing that the potential for problems is present?

Anyway, I suppose in the end, I'm in the same category as the rest of the women, as I desire long-term commitment and stability in a romantic relationship. Perhaps as sister Smiley and Bint alHoda (I think) mentioned, when someone is younger the idea of short term, casual relationships is more appealing when they aren't in a position (such as being dependent on parents, in college, etc.) to actively engage in long-term decisions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

never thought of that (impermanent marriage)..

nevermind with verses or anything from the book, its so creep, its make me shudder at the picture, well maybe its hiperbolic, its horrible ..

i was brainwashed by this : man that have sex freely with anybody he desire is like a dog, which pee anywhere, n woman that allow anybody she desire to have sex with her is like a public toilet, which been peed by anybody

oh dear so blatant n rude, forgive me to be 1860 thinkin.. i was brainwashed by old-people

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Life on earth does not come in an identical package for everybody. People are different as are their circumstances. The permanent marriage as we know it, is hardly permanent. Either in the East or the West. Divorces have become common and both men and women have no choice but to move on, from many a failed 'permanent' marriage. This is proof enough that the permanent marriage, while it works for some, does not deliver for everybody.

If a serial mutah works for someone, due to the force of their circumstances, let them marry at least temporarily, rather than not at all. However, both men and women desire to have permanency to something that works for them. There is potential for an avid serial mutaher (sic) to always convert their temporary ways to permanent, when the option presents itself.

i was brainwashed by this : man that have sex freely with anybody he desire is like a dog, which pee anywhere, n woman that allow anybody she desire to have sex with her is like a public toilet, which been peed by anybody

With your brainwashed peeing analogy, what would you call woman in a regular permanent monogamous marriage? An attached toilet/bathroom/ensuite? :angel:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Life on earth does not come in an identical package for everybody. People are different as are their circumstances. The permanent marriage as we know it, is hardly permanent. Either in the East or the West. Divorces have become common and both men and women have no choice but to move on, from many a failed 'permanent' marriage. This is proof enough that the permanent marriage, while it works for some, does not deliver for everybody.

If a serial mutah works for someone, due to the force of their circumstances, let them marry at least temporarily, rather than not at all. However, both men and women desire to have permanency to something that works for them. There is potential for an avid serial mutaher (sic) to always convert their temporary ways to permanent, when the option presents itself.

I was only thinking of mutah; but It is all too true that permanent marriage in too many cases is anything but permanent.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sex can be enjoyed when woman feels secure, and man can enjoy it only if woman enjoys, thats where marriage comes in. And security comes from official marriage not behind the door secret marriages.

I don't think anyone here is talking about 'behind the door secret marriages'. The OP is propounding that rather than remain single, she be involved in a series of monogamous halal relationships. Not necessarily secret. Not necessarily for the heck of it either. But rather to suit the circumstances.

For example, an eighteen year girl might be in school in a city far from her parents. Neither the parents nor the girl might be in a position to find a suitable permanent (nikah) match. The girl, after concluding her education at twenty two of twenty three, might move to another city/country, to take up a decent job offer in her chosen career. For another three years, the parents and the girl herself might not come across a suitable marriage option, in spite of trying. The girl now is twenty six or twenty seven, single, lonely, virgin and frustrated.

At twenty seven, an arranged marriage proposal is rather forced upon her, considering that she is about to hit thirty. She relents, only to discover that she and her man are chalk and cheese. They work on the marriage, but three years down the line, they have to consider divorce to keep their sanity. At thirty, our lonely, beautiful, innocent, educated Shia lady is a divorcee, probably pregnant or with a toddler.

Rather than the scenario above, the OP is perhaps suggesting that since 18, she be in a halal, open, legitimate mutah relationship with a guy who half fits the ideal. When she moves to another city after graduation, if the mutah hubby cannot accompany, she moves on. She finds another legit husband (aka boyfriend) in this other city. The relationship lasts for say, another year or two or three or four. If they have to move on for logistical reasons or rather for other reasons, they do.

Here at least the girl is not a frustrated virgin at twenty seven or thirty, with little or no relationship experience. Rather she is a worldly wise, financially independent and career accomplished non virgin single, who is willing and able to embark upon another halal relationship with a man who is in a similar position. Perhaps they can connect with a brilliant chemistry this time and stay together for life, aka permanent marriage for real.

The latter scenario is what happens to most girls in the secular world. Except that there is no mutah option. The girls are educated and experienced by the time they are thirty. Unless they have already met their match by then, they are at least not frustrated novices in the art and skill of handling a relationship.

Those who have read 'Future Shock' by Alvin Toffler- a sociopolitical scientist, written in the 60's/70's would know that this secular author had predicted that in 20 years time 'Temporary Marriage' would become the norm to accommodate the changing world. His prediction did come true, only that it isn't called temporary marriage. It's just called a relationship. And comes with no rules or guarantees. Islam allowed for this option 1400 plus years ago, with rules and regulation.

Bear in mind however, that the so called 'serial monogamy' is just an alternate to the otherwise good old, 'old school'. But if the old school worked for everyone, there would not be any thirty five year old desperate, educated, financially secure virgins in the Shia community worldwide now, would they?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think anyone here is talking about 'behind the door secret marriages'. The OP is propounding that rather than remain single, she be involved in a series of monogamous halal relationships. Not necessarily secret. Not necessarily for the heck of it either. But rather to suit the circumstances.For example, an eighteen year girl might be in school in a city far from her parents. Neither the parents nor the girl might be in a position to find a suitable permanent (nikah) match. The girl, after concluding her education at twenty two of twenty three, might move to another city/country, to take up a decent job offer in her chosen career. For another three years, the parents and the girl herself might not come across a suitable marriage option, in spite of trying. The girl now is twenty six or twenty seven, single, lonely, virgin and frustrated. At twenty seven, an arranged marriage proposal is rather forced upon her, considering that she is about to hit thirty. She relents, only to discover that she and her man are chalk and cheese. They work on the marriage, but three years down the line, they have to consider divorce to keep their sanity. At thirty, our lonely, beautiful, innocent, educated Shia lady is a divorcee, probably pregnant or with a toddler. Rather than the scenario above, the OP is perhaps suggesting that since 18, she be in a halal, open, legitimate mutah relationship with a guy who half fits the ideal. When she moves to another city after graduation, if the mutah hubby cannot accompany, she moves on. She finds another legit husband (aka boyfriend) in this other city. The relationship lasts for say, another year or two or three or four. If they have to move on for logistical reasons or rather for other reasons, they do. Here at least the girl is not a frustrated virgin at twenty seven or thirty, with little or no relationship experience. Rather she is a worldly wise, financially independent and career accomplished non virgin single, who is willing and able to embark upon another halal relationship with a man who is in a similar position. Perhaps they can connect with a brilliant chemistry this time and stay together for life, aka permanent marriage for real.The latter scenario is what happens to most girls in the secular world. Except that there is no mutah option. The girls are educated and experienced by the time they are thirty. Unless they have already met their match by then, they are at least not frustrated novices in the art and skill of handling a relationship. Those who have read 'Future Shock' by Alvin Toffler- a sociopolitical scientist, written in the 60's/70's would know that this secular author had predicted that in 20 years time 'Temporary Marriage' would become the norm to accommodate the changing world. His prediction did come true, only that it isn't called temporary marriage. It's just called a relationship. And comes with no rules or guarantees. Islam allowed for this option 1400 plus years ago, with rules and regulation.Bear in mind however, that the so called 'serial monogamy' is just an alternate to the otherwise good old, 'old school'. But if the old school worked for everyone, there would not be any thirty five year old desperate, educated, financially secure virgins in the Shia community worldwide now, would they?

Imam Ali has said that if Umar had not abolished muta only the most wretched people would have committed zina upto the day of qiyama, but unfortunately now even some normal people will indulge in this sin because of umar banning it..

So it is clear that muta inspite of being allowed by sharia will not be accepted in the society. Allah has chosen umar to be partner all the sins of zina upto the day of qiyamah.

I dont think muslim fathers will permit their virgin daughters to do muta. And without fathers permission it is not allowed. Any man who will decide to get permanently married will want (majority) a virgin wife. So a lady when she feels she wants to settle down after multiple muta will find difficult to get a good guy for permanent marriage. I know its hypocrysy but its the fact.

A woman feels frustrated when her needs are not taken care off. When she gets good proposals, the world lure her to studies. when she finishes study her youth and beauty is gone and that is when the frustration comes in. I think the problem is not accepting early permanent marriage for virgin girls.

Edited by ali the lion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i think everyone, man or woman, should be able to choose which halal path to follow without fear of social stigma.  for the most part i think this sort of change, if it occurs, will be a bottom up change (as opposed to top down). in a generation or two i think attitudes will be different for muslims in the western countries.  the biggest obstacle is the perception of virginity.  in the east i think the iranian leaders are fairly progressive about it, so we will see how the current young generation of iranians turns out.    

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i think everyone, man or woman, should be able to choose which halal path to follow without fear of social stigma. for the most part i think this sort of change, if it occurs, will be a bottom up change (as opposed to top down). in a generation or two i think attitudes will be different for muslims in the western countries. the biggest obstacle is the perception of virginity. in the east i think the iranian leaders are fairly progressive about it, so we will see how the current young generation of iranians turns out.

With reference to my previous post, I dont think muta will ever be accepted in the society or culture of muslim people inspite of it being allowed by sharia. It will be practised but mostly in secrecy. And our religion does not ignore culture or society. In order for us to be accepted in society we have to be mindful of sensitive issues, and islam does not reject that. Virginity is not an obstacle rather it is holy trait. Muslims should guard their virginity. The needs of the youth should go in line with religion and society . Early permanent marriages for the youth is the only answer. A person looks for food when he is hungry, if his needs are not met he steals to fill his stomach. Sexual traits are needs that has to be fulfilled for youth if the enviroment does not help than they are fulfilled in sinful ways.

Edited by ali the lion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been thinking about serial monogamy much recently; deliberating on how it could prove to be as much as a form of stability as a permanent love bubble, culminating into something long lasting, fruitful and working at optimum efficacy - as quixotic as that may sound. In any case, such is a possibility. Though, it comes at the expense of male compromise in order to accommodate utmost comfort and ease for the female. I have brainstormed a set of principles that could work as the formula for a successful series of monogamous relationships, and you can share your thoughts.

- The female partner stipulates the end date and has full autonomy to decide whether she wants to continue the relationship thereafter or not.

- A faithful promise from the male partner that the break-up would be mutual and that he would never be the first to instigate it, no matter what the circumstance.

- He, further, promises to retain a platonic and caring friendship with his ex-partner, if it ever reaches that stage.

Sounds airtight to me. Of course, there's the argument that it could be suffocating if you're stuck with the wrong person. It's true, love has the ability to blind the faculty of reasoning. Just be wary that your heart and intellect are on the same wavelength.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A question for SISTERS:

Taking away cultural taboos, do you think you would ever be interested in considering or pursuing serial monogamy?

I remember serial monogamy being mentioned in cultural anthropology but at the time was not that interested and did not really play close attention.

Although not the norm, AFAIK, please correct me if I am wrong, this is fully within the bounds of Islam. Maybe because of an historical cultural reluctance to embrace mutah for women, this has not been fully explored. unsure.gif

Related abridged article:

http://www.psycholog...-worth-pursuing

Interesting read Maryaam---

Yes, and No---

I can do it and I won't do it----not because of cultural and social taboo, but out of my own personal choice I won't do . Though I admit I have the ability of breaking it off, standing up , walking away and never looking back.....For some stupid reason I have perfect control over my own emotional attachments, I bind and sever at my own will---so I should think that I would be not be having any problem with it............But on the other hand I was raised into tradition of Celibacy and my heart feels more aligned to it, so that sort of renders many such issues non issues for me----

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...