A little sister needs some advise .............pls

[BiYa]

Salams my sisters in islam,

I have a situation that i need some sisterly advise on, i posted this a week ago- but unfortunately in the wrong forum, (still new at this)

I'll try and explain the situation i found my self in, for the last 4 months i have been speaking to a guy i met on an online match making site (because thats the only way meeting a possible spouse, it is promoted within my community)we really understood each other, wanted the same things out of life and where at similar points in terms of our spirituality and understanding of religion, considering i have been looking for a potential spouse for over 2 years this was the first person that i could see a future with.

When he finally told his parents they asked him questions about my family which i tried to answer through him. When we decided to meet the traditional way with the boys family coming over, obviously the family made enquiries but then decided to do an istikara, when the maulana opens the Quran and tells you if its good or bad.

The outcome was not good so, it made it a bit awkward, i explained to him that i did not believe in using istikara for decisions to be made according to istikara of the Quran, as i believe that Allah s.w.t has given us the intelligence and knowledge to make educated decisions.

The poor guy was upset and suck in the middle, i did try talking to him and seeing if there was another way around, but his parents had made the decision and that was the end of it. He eventually sided with his parents as istikara is seeking the best of Allah and so the word of Allah was saying no!

What i don't understand is that, it is really difficult to find a spouse (especially now a days) and when you do find some one you get on with and understand, shouldn't that be enough for the parents to exhaust all methods of enquirers before resorting to the word of Allah? My parents where happy for him to come home they want the best for me too but they have the knowledge and intellect that Allah has given us to make important decisions. We have examples set by the prophet and ahlul bayte to fall back on too.

By doing this his parents have ruined chances in both our life's, I've tried to accept his wishes and move on and forget about him, but to be honest its been really difficult, i wanted some advise from you, my sisters, have any of you been in similar situations? what would you advise i do? if anything?

I've tried to talk to other guys (for spouse selection) but because I'm constantly thinking about him (and i know i shouldn't) its unfair and i dunno what to do!

I dunno much about istikara with the Quran and the research on the internet hasn't answered my questions,

1. if the istikara is taken out on a situation when the two people involved (me and him) are not confused - is the outcome valid?

2. can the itikara be taken out more than once?

3. If the first outcome isn't what you were expecting then can you give sadka and still do it?

4. Can istikara be taken out for the same thing but at a later point in time (as the situation has changed for all parties involved?)

I dunno what to do or who to ask these questions too, i've been carrying this round with me for about 3 weeks now and it really taking it tole on me, I really hope someone is going to be able to advise me, whatever you've got to say i'm ready to listen,

Thank you and sorry for the long story, I pray to Allah that i hear from you soon.

xx

[UnknownShia]

yeah god gave us the intelegence but there are things we dont take into consideration or things we dont know that will happen in the future, istikhara is to cover that which we cant figure out for ourselves becuz its hidden from us.

maybe u 2 arent right for each other i mean u guys talked online for a while and decided verbaly that u r for each other but wat if thats not the case wen it comes down to it? there are infinite things u havent thought thru that might happen wrong.

the wrong way to do istikhara is to not do ur research and not see her and not do anything and just open a quran that....... is invalid, but in my opinion it seems like the criteria (uve done everything u can to make a decision) to do istikhara have been met in this case so its valid, in my opinion anyways.

Edited October 3, 2009 by AlgerianShia

[Muhammed Ali]

read section 8: http://www.al-islam.org/istikhara/

I think there may be more to this than what they are telling you. If it is as you describe it then they are being silly and unislamic and their istikhara is not valid.

Ayatullah khomeini:

However, there are examples that people who are against Istikhara mention, such as the incident in which there was a girl who liked a young boy and in all ways, were compatible with each other, but after talking with one another, the Istikhara was performed and it came out 'bad' and the discussion ended there. Another example is about a person who wanted to purchase a house. Everything was fine and in all ways, the house was ideal ‑ he performed an Istikhara and it came out bad, so he decided not to purchase the house.

It is clear that the reply to them and thousands of people like these regarding the Istikhara (and the proper use of it), is that in instances such as these, only one who has no intelligence, who is defiant, and who does not have a correct understanding of the Istikhara would perform it in these instances.

Edited October 3, 2009 by Muhammed Ali

[wayfarer.]

(salam)

According to the link posted above, it seems that the istikhara is invalid.

Salams my sisters in islam,

I have a situation that i need some sisterly advise on, i posted this a week ago- but unfortunately in the wrong forum, (still new at this)

As evident from this and the above two posts, if you need quick instant replies from the brothers, you just need to open a topic in the sisters form. Hope you'll soon get used to this.

Fi amanillah.

[UnknownShia]

As evident from this and the above two posts, if you need quick instant replies from the brothers, you just need to open a topic in the sisters form. Hope you'll soon get used to this.

Fi amanillah.

looooool ......not like we go into the sisters forum and look, i just see wat new topics are up and check them out

didnt evne notice the sister forums part lol

read section 8: http://www.al-islam.org/istikhara/

I think there may be more to this than what they are telling you. If it is as you describe it then they are being silly and unislamic and their istikhara is not valid.

Ayatullah khomeini:

u have completely ignored the whole article and went to section 8....

the whole article talks about how istikhara is good for everything and u should do it wenever u want to do a task :

"This type of seeking what is best is not associated with the instance in which a person has a doubt or can not make a decision. Rather, from the traditions of the Ahl al‑Bait ('as), it is clear that before we carry out any action ‑ no matter how small or insignificant it may be ‑ we are recommended and encouraged to seek help, and constantly remember Allah in all of our affairs. [8] "

however to be sure go do istikhara from someone else

Edited October 3, 2009 by AlgerianShia

[AMRAH]

Salams my sisters in islam,

I have a situation that i need some sisterly advise on, i posted this a week ago- but unfortunately in the wrong forum, (still new at this)

SALAAM SIS hope you are well insh. It seems like a very delicate situation since both families are involved.

as far as my knowledge of istikhara goes my understandin has always been that it is like a last resort when you are in a dilemma and absolutely uninclined to either side of the situation. tht is not to say do not seek Allahs help and guidance anyway...:)

also my personal belief is that an istikhara is also relevant to circumstance and insh if the two of you are happy with the alliance and you have found a spouse that is god-fearing then why not...

maybe the two of you could sit your parents down and explain that when two people marry it is Allah who places mawaddah and rahma between them and insh this will be the case with you too...give sadaqah and pray to Allah to right anything that might not be right for you after all He is the only One who can change the unseen situation of the now and future.

i pray all goes well for you insh...our duas are with you..dont give up if this is what you want in your spouse and it isnt against shariah in any way...insh khayr

take care and tons of duas

[Doctor_Naqvi]

You're welcome sis so no need to feel shy for.Ya should better ask Ur marja about this. Anyways,here's the ruling of Ayatollah Sistani about istikhara.

Question: Has istikhara any basis in the shari'a? Is there a problem in repeating the istikhara [for the same intention] by paying alms [before it] in order to get a guidance that is to one's liking?

Answer: One may resort to istikhara in situations where he is confused and cannot prefer one side [of the issue] to the other, after having pondered over it and having consulted [those who know about it]. Repeating the istikhara is not right, unless it is for a different issue.

Question: When is it good or necessary to see an Istikhara?

Answer: Istikhara is done when you are confused and perplexed. One must first of all consult experts or wise individuals to see if he can reach a decision. If after consultation he still remains confused, he can then do Istikhara. You must know that when an act is good in itself, there is no need to make Istikhara for it.

Marriage is a major step in one's life;a matter of great responsibility that's not to be taken lightly.It shouldn't be complicated to such an extent.

Edited October 3, 2009 by saba fatima naqvi

[Muhammed Ali]

looooool ......not like we go into the sisters forum and look, i just see wat new topics are up and check them out

didnt evne notice the sister forums part lol

u have completely ignored the whole article and went to section 8....

the whole article talks about how istikhara is good for everything and u should do it wenever u want to do a task :

"This type of seeking what is best is not associated with the instance in which a person has a doubt or can not make a decision. Rather, from the traditions of the Ahl al‑Bait ('as), it is clear that before we carry out any action ‑ no matter how small or insignificant it may be ‑ we are recommended and encouraged to seek help, and constantly remember Allah in all of our affairs. [8] "

however to be sure go do istikhara from someone else

How have I ignored the whole book? Istikhara is asking the best from Allah. It should be done for all actions. Istikhara in this form is usually done by doing dua. The other way of doing istikhara (tasbih , quran etc..) should only be done when a person is confused and has exhausted other means to make a decision. Do you disagree with this? If this guy's parents didn't have any real reasons to reject her and if they spoke to some wise people about it they would be told that their decision was wrong.

Edited October 3, 2009 by Muhammed Ali

[lalala123]

I know you might not want to hear this sis and I realy don't want to hurt your feelings but the guy might just not want to come and see you and is now making an excuse with his parents. Also his parents should not be making enquiries through you, they should come to your house and speak to your parents to make enquiries, otherwise you can get taken for a ride.

I really hope things work out for you inshAllah and you meet and marry the right guy soon.

[BiYa]

The guys been honest with me from the start and has shared stuff that you don't with just everyone (live life changing events) Plus he still wants to talk to me on MSN and is asking if i've met any other guys? what does that mean? and he tells me his parents are pressuring him, but he delaying it as much as possible!

The balls in his court now, its his parents that have the problem so he needs to sort it out, all i'm going to do is pray to Allah s.w.t, to right any wrongs done towards me, as he has total control over all things.

Thank you for all your advise guys, its been really helpful, keep it coming and inshallah things will work out - i have total faith in Allah s.w.t as this is one of the many tests he has put me through since i was young.

[Guest Peace]

Salam sis

GOSH ive heard this scenario before!!!!!! Um Thanks to the person who posted the article from Islam.org that was wicked.

[Gypsy]

(salam)

As for the Istekharah, I would seek a second opinion. And a third or fourth. And I would go with the one which is more favorable to me. :)

Edited October 17, 2009 by Zareen

[Ya_Zahra2]

1. if the istikara is taken out on a situation when the two people involved (me and him) are not confused - is the outcome valid?

2. can the itikara be taken out more than once?

3. If the first outcome isn't what you were expecting then can you give sadka and still do it?

4. Can istikara be taken out for the same thing but at a later point in time (as the situation has changed for all parties involved?)

xx

hey i have a great example for u.. my sister wanted this guy in lebanon ... but then my dad decided to do the istikhara... nd all of us in the family believe in it.. so the first time the answer was bad... so they waited a couple of weeks nd then did it again.. but the istikhara was bad again... so my dad decided to wait until we would go to lebanon the year after... so ilhamdillah the third time they did the istikhara they got the answer they wanted.. this means that people change ..so basicly if the istikahar was good the first time maube these two couples wouldn't have a good life after... maybe the couple had to go trough alot of stuff to understand the meaning of marriage and maybe faced problems that would help then in the futur...

if the couple are not confused then y would they do an istikhara.. its always valid since ur asking the opinion of God(type of thing)

Salam

[PrincessFatema]

I would call this as misuse of istikhara

[Guest Zahratul_Islam]

The guys been honest with me from the start and has shared stuff that you don't with just everyone (live life changing events) Plus he still wants to talk to me on MSN and is asking if i've met any other guys? what does that mean? and he tells me his parents are pressuring him, but he delaying it as much as possible!

The balls in his court now, its his parents that have the problem so he needs to sort it out, all i'm going to do is pray to Allah s.w.t, to right any wrongs done towards me, as he has total control over all things.

Complete misuse of Istikhara.The ball is in his court right now and I would advise you to focus your attention on other things. Tell him you have met other men who are far more intelligent/attractive/considerate than he is. Tell him to grow a pair or leave you the hell alone.

Don't do it because you want play mind games (although that does sound appealing) do it because you think you are worth more than just waiting for some guy to signal. My dad's family did an instikhara about my mom and it turned out HORRIBLY.. erm I think they did it like 3 times and it kept coming back negative. My fathers response? He went on a rampage against istkharas and how they were not credible. He didn't actually believe that (he insists on doing an istikhara for me every time someone proposes) but he had already fallen for my mother. Istikhara? Divine guidance? Wisdom hidden in the Quran? Moms disapproval? Pffffffffffft

The moral of this story is that the way men prove they really care is by being stupid and disregarding even divine intervention because they are too far in love. Rational? Hell no. Romantic? Mhm (although in my parent's case the romance aspect is revolting to me).

Let me repeat (in case my long winded story about my parents convoluted my point): Avoid speaking with him on msn as a common side effect of msn chatting is clouded judgment and retarded behavior that otherwise could have been avoided.

Edited December 15, 2009 by Zahratul_Islam

[Calm]

Question: When is it good or necessary to see an Istikhara?

Answer: Istikhara is done when you are confused and perplexed. One must first of all consult experts or wise individuals to see if he can reach a decision. If after consultation he still remains confused, he can then do Istikhara. You must know that when an act is good in itself, there is no need to make Istikhara for it.

Sayed Sistani's response is pretty clear about it. There is NO need for istikhara if the matter is right in itself! Most people take istikhara for what is actually right in itself and even when wise people approve of the matter they still unwisely take istikhara. Not that I do not believe in istikhara but I strongly believe 99.9 of the istikhara users are harming themselves as they are not using it when it should be used. No offence to anyone but especially those who take istikhara for marriage proposals they should rethink the purpose of istikhara or re read Sistani's response-A man proposes, if he's good, you like him, wise people tell you it's the right decision, parents are content, NOTHING is wrong about him then why on earth would we still take istikhara? If it comes "bad" most likely it is not bad but just invalid istikhara to keep these people misusing it to never progress. Or the man proposing is someone you hate but still some parents would take istikhara, why? You hate him even if the khira turns "good" , it defies the purpose!

My mother takes istikhara for almost everything especially for marriage proposals and matters as such. My father and us (the kids) know that if we refuse it's because there is a reason and if we accept it's because it is the wise decision. Nonetheless, nothing will change mom's mind (about istikhara).

[Marbles]

Sayed Sistani's response is pretty clear about it. There is NO need for istikhara if the matter is right in itself! Most people take istikhara for what is actually right in itself and even when wise people approve of the matter they still unwisely take istikhara. Not that I do not believe in istikhara but I strongly believe 99.9 of the istikhara users are harming themselves as they are not using it when it should be used. No offence to anyone but especially those who take istikhara for marriage proposals they should rethink the purpose of istikhara or re read Sistani's response-A man proposes, if he's good, you like him, wise people tell you it's the right decision, parents are content, NOTHING is wrong about him then why on earth would we still take istikhara? If it comes "bad" most likely it is not bad but just invalid istikhara to keep these people misusing it to never progress. Or the man proposing is someone you hate but still some parents would take istikhara, why? You hate him even if the khira turns "good" , it defies the purpose!

My mother takes istikhara for almost everything especially for marriage proposals and matters as such. My father and us (the kids) know that if we refuse it's because there is a reason and if we accept it's because it is the wise decision. Nonetheless, nothing will change mom's mind (about istikhara).

Tell me about it. People here take istikhara as soon as they hear about a proposal before they actually start to look at the particulars of the proposer LOL. This is enough to make me gag. Istikhara, of late, has become a useless exercise used [abused?] for the purposes it is not intended for. Not to mention a women ringing up the office of Shaykh Saanei to request an istikhara on her behalf. When asked for what? She replied her husband wants her to cook Dish A [ghormeh sabzi] in the dinner?!?!?!. I have known people who took istikhara before driving to the next town or which means of transport was safe to take - own vehicle or train? Ludicrous. . . luuuuudicrous to say the least.