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sa110

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Salam Alaikum

I want to know what you guys all think in regarding the marriage between panjabi pakistani and khojas.

do they last for a life time or no? Do you agree that the girl should sacrifice what she is and whom she is to keep peace in the pakistani living? as that is what the husband tells her to do. shouldnt anythign be between the married couple and for each other? It's all what the family want!

Wasalaam

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(bismillah) (salam)

Your marriage shouldn't be based on what they are, it really depends on the person and how they treat each other..who cares if one is pakistani or other is khoja? really..what matters is how they live with each other and make the marriage strong.

Husbands shouldn't be too controling on their wife and make her life a living hell. He should give her freedom and also respect her opinion in cases. As long as for familes, sure they would want a good daughter in law/son in law but yeh their cooperation is very important as well..they can't be too controlling over the girl [mostly the girls are the victim]..so both side gotta chill

w/salam

I also would like to add and do not mean to offend anyone here. Pakistani mentality regarding marriages and how the daughter in law should live with them is really really cheap and awful, do not think I am generalizing here...which I am not. :)

Edited by MohsenAli
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Salam Alaikum

I want to know what you guys all think in regarding the marriage between panjabi pakistani and khojas.

do they last for a life time or no? Do you agree that the girl should sacrifice what she is and whom she is to keep peace in the pakistani living? as that is what the husband tells her to do. shouldnt anythign be between the married couple and for each other? It's all what the family want!

Wasalaam

It depends on the couple. A marriage between a Punjabi person and a Khoja person could last a lifetime, it may not. This is just like any other marriage, whether it be between a Chinese person and a Caucasian, or an African-American with an Indian person.

I'm not sure what kind of situation you are referring to, but I don't agree that the girl should make all the sacrifices. Marriage is a two-way street, and both the husband AND the wife should make compromises.

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Salam Alaikum

I want to know what you guys all think in regarding the marriage between panjabi pakistani and khojas.

do they last for a life time or no? Do you agree that the girl should sacrifice what she is and whom she is to keep peace in the pakistani living? as that is what the husband tells her to do. shouldnt anythign be between the married couple and for each other? It's all what the family want!

Wasalaam

salam,

don't you think you are generalizing a little too much to assume that one's culture predisposes them to behave a certain way or possess certain beliefs?

as said above, every person is different... so you can not judge the compatability of two individuals based on their heritage.

though culture does indeed infuse us with many affective behaviours and beliefs, i'd like to believe that we are all individuals who can think and act for ourselves.. if i truly want to be with someone of a different nationality, and i find that person to be of genuine character, then why should my ancestors be an active block to my happiness..

I advise you to read the following excerpt:

6.21 Interracial Marriages Authorized by the Prophet

In Western society, interracial marriages were considered taboo and anathema until the advent of the civil rights movement just a few decades ago. This was also the case in Pre-Islamic Arabia, a time known as the Age of Ignorant Barbarism (Jahiliyyah). The white-skinned Arabs looked down on marrying blacks, especially slaves. Yet, Prophet Muhammad ibn Abdullah sought to remove these prejudices from the white society he lived in, and encouraged interracial marriages. We shall cite three such examples here.

The Prophet of Islam encouraged a female in his own family, Zaynab bint Jahsh, to marry a black man, i.e. Zayd ibn Haritha. Zaynab’s brother refused to give her away in marriage on the grounds that Zayd was a freed black slave, whereas she was an aristocratic white-skinned Arab woman of noble lineage. Yet, the Prophet of Islam rejected this attitude of bigotry and insisted that Zaynab marry Zayd based on his piety and good character. The family continually refused until God revealed the following verse of the Quran:

It is not becoming of a believing man or woman, once God and His Messenger have decreed an affair, to have an option to follow their own choice. (Quran, 33:36)

After this verse was revealed, the family relented, and the two were married.

Another interracial marriage that the Prophet facilitated was that of Julaybib, a black disciple of the Prophet, and the daughter of an Arab family in Madeenah. The Prophet of Islam encouraged the two to get married based on their mutual piety and good character, but the Arab mother defiantly refused to have her daughter marry a black man. However, the daughter herself intervened and insisted on marrying Julaybib, based on the Prophet’s recommendation. And so they were married with the Prophet’s blessings. When Julaybib was martyred in battle, the Prophet said of his black disciple: “He is of me, and I am of him.” [1]

The third example we shall cite is that of Saad al-Aswad. Saad was of a very dark black complexion, which at that time was considered very ugly, due to the prevailing prejudices. Before he converted to Islam, Saad came up to the Prophet of Islam and asked him if his dark skin color and “ugly features” would prevent him from entrance into Paradise. To this, Prophet Muhammad ibn Abdullah told him that his looks had no bearing on his entrance into Paradise which would be based solely on his belief and obedience to God.

Saad sent marriage proposals to several women, but he was continually rejected due to his dark complexion and “ugly features”. Finally, Saad complained to the Prophet, who then sent him to marry the daughter of Amir ibn Wahhab, who was considered to be one of the most beautiful and “fairest” of ladies. Amir was a recent convert to Islam, and had not yet rid himself of pre-Islamic prejudices; Amir categorically rejected Saad’s proposal to his daughter. The Prophet of Islam rebuked Amir for his bigotry. Thankfully, Amir’s daughter herself interceded and told her father to accept the marriage proposal, lest they be disgraced by God’s revelation.

And so the two were married, but immediately the Call to Jihad (Holy War) was given, and so Saad left his wife before even being able to consummate the marriage with his beautiful wife. Saad fought valiantly on the battlefield and was martyred. Learning of his martyrdom, the Prophet of Islam placed Saad’s head on his lap, until the grave was prepared. The Prophet ordered his arms and mount to be sent to his wife’s family. God revealed to the Prophet that Saad would be married to an even more beautiful woman in the next life, i.e. one of the maidens of Paradise.

These marriages were not isolated or chance events. Rather, they were a part of the Prophet’s systematic plan to eradicate racism and bigotry from the hearts and minds of the believers, and to unite them all under the banner of Islam. The manner in which the Prophet confronted racist attitudes and prevalent prejudices is all the more amazing when we factor in how long ago he lived. It would take the Western world hundreds of years to catch up with the Prophet’s progressive and enlightened attitude towards race.

[1] Ibn Athir, 1:348; Alawiye pp. 138-140; Ibn Hajar, Fath al-Bari, 9:505-506, #5283

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Salam

Well, I married a pakistani, and I am a khoja. I am living with his family, now being a khoja I have my style of dressing, which is trousers or jeans with long beggy kurti top. So it is islamically modest dressing. Them being pakistani they wear shalwar kamees, in the begining i wore and never said anything as I was new in their living, but i then said i do not like it, i do not feel comfortable i only wear this style when i go to mosque, but i am into my casuals. now personally clothes for me is clothes. if i wore something un-islamic then yes ofcourse they have every right to say and speak up. But i am very religious and have my imaan in me. they had relatives coming home and they told me to wear shalwar kameez, i refused saying no.. i do not liek it. and they created an issue. they started syaing " i am making myself look like an outsider" " i look like an outcaste" which i was extrememly hurt. Now i hoped my husband would understand me, and speak up for me and support me but he supported his family and spoke agasint me saying have you not heard when a girl comes into the guys living she has to adapt, and also not everything has to be comfortable. sacrifice! is this right attitude? shouldnt the husband be supportive and speak out for his wife? he also said why cant you keep peace and harmony in the house. so this means i have to do what his family wants me to do. He knew who i was and what i was. I am really hurt with this attitude and behaviour.

he also made a comment by saying " how can a girl move from 1 hertitage to another but keep her heritage" yes i married him, but does that mean i should change my heritage and become what they are?

wasalaam

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i wouldnt advice marrying a khoja if you are a punjabi matami, chalk and cheese guys. youd never get on lol

if azadari isnt important to either of you, then yeah knock urself out the rest of the stuff isnt important ;)

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Regarding the clothing you are both being unreasonable. You are correct that as long as what you wear is modest, your husband and his family should accept it, but since they aren't, why not be the more mature person and just dress the way they prefer? There's no harm in it and it makes them happy - you will be rewarded for keeping peace in the family. If they were asking you to wear something immodest, you would be right and justified to refuse, but what is the advantage of refusing as long as they aren't asking you to do anything unreasonable?

You don't need to give up your culture - its just clothes.

Salam

If i never had any problems, then i would have obv worn what they wnated me to, however i refused as i had reasons. I never felt comfortable in it, and it made me feel liek trapped with them. I feel free with my social clothes. i tried to tell them that and i had to hear " practise makes it perfect" and other harsh comments such as " how can a girl move to another heritage and keep her heritage" indirectly, its like they're expecting me to change and forget my heritage. I tried to talk to my husband but he refused to listen as he was supporting his family. shouldnt a husband try and be a little understanding.

wasalaam

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^^I agree with you sa110. As long as the clothes are not considered indecent by your in-laws, they should not force you to wear "their type of clothes" all the time. I totally understand when you say you feel trapped and uncomfortable. Like they are making you change your culture and heritage. Sure it would be great if on some family occasions you would wear the traditional clothes they like. But I dont understand why people cannot be left to be their own unique ways. What a dreary world it would be if everyone thought, acted dressed the same.

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Salam

You know there was a tragic that took place recently, in their village in pakistan. So i was downstairs with my hubby and i was giving him my sympathy and re-assured him that inshallah they will all enter jannat for sure, and not to be too upset as they have now gone to a better place. He lost his uncle and cousin. I was wearing my jeans and long beggy kurti top. very modest. Guests started entering the house for absos, so his dad from upstairs told my hubby to tell me to dress up wearing shalwar kameez. so i said to my hubby this is what i mean when i say i feel very controlled, as there's no such thing in our khoja. clothes is clothes.

and they made an issue like i commited a sin. started saying i am making myself an outsider. i look liek an outcaste. this was not soemthign a daughter in law would like to hear. i was hurt. expecting my husband to support me he spoke the same. supported family and against his wife. is this fair?

wasalaam

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Guest binte-ali

And from what I have read from you is that your husband is a family man which is a plus point for you. Because he values family and that means he will value a family he makes with you. Dont be jealous if he is closer to his parents. He is a grateful person to those who brought him up and that means whatever u do for him now he will appreciate u in future. And Allah sees what u do he will recompense u good with good.

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Salam

Well, I married a pakistani, and I am a khoja. I am living with his family, now being a khoja I have my style of dressing, which is trousers or jeans with long beggy kurti top. So it is islamically modest dressing. Them being pakistani they wear shalwar kamees, in the begining i wore and never said anything as I was new in their living, but i then said i do not like it, i do not feel comfortable i only wear this style when i go to mosque, but i am into my casuals. now personally clothes for me is clothes. if i wore something un-islamic then yes ofcourse they have every right to say and speak up. But i am very religious and have my imaan in me. they had relatives coming home and they told me to wear shalwar kameez, i refused saying no.. i do not liek it. and they created an issue. they started syaing " i am making myself look like an outsider" " i look like an outcaste" which i was extrememly hurt. Now i hoped my husband would understand me, and speak up for me and support me but he supported his family and spoke agasint me saying have you not heard when a girl comes into the guys living she has to adapt, and also not everything has to be comfortable. sacrifice! is this right attitude? shouldnt the husband be supportive and speak out for his wife? he also said why cant you keep peace and harmony in the house. so this means i have to do what his family wants me to do. He knew who i was and what i was. I am really hurt with this attitude and behaviour.

he also made a comment by saying " how can a girl move from 1 hertitage to another but keep her heritage" yes i married him, but does that mean i should change my heritage and become what they are?

wasalaam

(bismillah)

i think your family is being a little tough on you.but if dressing is the only issue they are touchy about and they are understanding otherwise then i think you should try to be a little reasonable.However,if they r unreasonable about most things then you should have serious talk with you hubby.

ya ali madad.

salaam.

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salam

I never tried to start an argument. But i'd hope that they'd be a little understanding. Also, his family members have been very inturrepting in our married life. we do thigns togetehr and they interfeare a lot. at times they occupy him for a whole day and i would be left aside, at times when we're out they call him and tell him to go back home as another family member needs help with something. They do not realise we are married and out of the house. How can they interfeare with our lives? it frustrates me a lot. I have tried to make him understand that this is not on its not right, but he refuses to listen. H e believes that these interfearances are normal and fine. but it is not once couples are married they have the right to chose and decide how to live their life. He only thinks i am worng and hes family members are right, when they are not. I have tried a lot to explain but it is not helping as he is not understanding me.

wasalaam.

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With your attitude u r surely heading for trouble. U want your hubby to ignore someone who has been with himm for a long time for u who have been with him for just a short while. U have to be realistic. Sister u dont know the life of a divorced woman. Do u think your life will be the same after separation. Life is not a bed of roses. Especially girls expect that after marriage the honeymoon never finishes. This is not in this world. The rasul has said that for a woman to stay with a husband is jihad. So dont expect miracles in short terms.

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Remember arguments fights and bad words remain in the mind for a very long time. Dont put poison in your new married life. For what u r doing is very damaging in long term. It is better to learn from the experiences of others than experience them yourself.

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