Late Marriage, or early?

[Basim Ali]

(bismillah)

(salam) ,

well, bros and siss, what do you think? Should we marry early like 20-24 or late like 28-31? What problems do you think would occur doing this?

Personally, I think marriage should be when a person is working and is earning enough to run a whole family, whether thats late or early. What do you think?

Wassalam and have a nice day,

[Tayyeb_Jaan]

(salam)

According to Islam we should marry at a young age.

[pure angel]

If i wasn't part of this day and age.. i would so get married wen i was 16 ..

but being in this day and age. . . im 21 and think its a much more suibtable time for marriage now.. than 16

[awaitingyou1]

18-21 for girls

21-25 for boys.

its not necessary tht one shd marry only when one is well settled. bcos marriage is the gate to ur wealth. Allah has said in quran tht due to marriage he will provide u with rizk.

[interesting_guy]

(salam)

According to Islam we should marry at a young age.

Why you lying?

[Progeny07]

I would say early because its could save people from commiting sins I mean if your alright to have a boyfriend/girlfriend at a young age then why not have a husband/wife?

I wouldnt recommend starting a family straight away though :D

Just to add I'm not judging anyone who does have a boyfriend/girlfriend :no: I'm just making a point

Edited May 14, 2009 by Progeny07

[Jannati]

Salam,

We all should marry at an early age, so that we can save our ourselves from committing sins.

Because of the present day trend people are marrying late and they commit Haram acts like Masturbation, Zina ..

Was Salam

[Aabiss_Shakari]

I have not yet married because of my personal problems but marrying late is indeed itself a problem. I support early marriages.

[Tayyeb_Jaan]

Why you lying?

(salam)

On what basis do you think I'm lying? Every school in Islam agrees with the Opinion I posted. Do some research.

Edited May 14, 2009 by Tayyeb_Jaan

[Asghar]

Early If you can.

[ash-shaheed]

Marry whenever you find someone who is suitable. If you are young, that is even better, because that will mean less years of being alone, but if you don't find someone suitable while you are young, wait.

I couldn't agree more with this. Ulema have recommended taking your time in finding the right person who you're compatible with, and then once you find him or her, making haste in marriage.

Remember - your spouse has certain rights over you that you have to respect your entire life. Thus, it's better to wait and find someone who you're comptabile with, and whose rights you KNOW you will be able to uphold, rather than to rush into a marriage with someone whose rights you're not sure you're going to be able to uphold, because then that person will drag you into hell (since you won't be upholding his or her rights).

As Sheikh Usama Abdul Ghani put it, it's better to be STRONG during the time in which one is finding a spouse, and make sure you find one who is truly compatible with you and whose rights you will be able to uphold, and then enjoy the fruits of a harmonious married life, rather than to be WEAK during the time of spouse selection, rush into a marriage that may not be right, and then suffer through 50 years of misery.

[baradar_jackson]

I think it is better to marry young because we should learn responsibility at a young age.

It seems that in today's society, people are kids until they are 40 years old...

i am 20 and i am ready to marry

Maybe not have children until we have more money, but marriage i am certainly ready

Edited May 14, 2009 by baradar_jackson

[7azeenah87]

Alsalam Alakum

I believe its something that should be done when both parties are READY for it because with marriage comes a lot of responsibilities.

Wsalam

[Basim Ali]

(bismillah)

(salam) ,

I really couldn't agree less than you all......

According to me, one should marry when he gets settled and his able to support his family. One wouldn't learn his resposibilities if he runs his family with the money from his father. Even if it means marrying, at 30 or at 20. All we have to see is how happy well can we keep a family.

At for the the part about indulging in Haram acts like adultery, masturbation etc., where's the test if you try to get away from such things by marrying. Once you learn to control your own bad desires at a young age, believe me, you wont even THINK about commiting adultery when you get married. So i'm not telling you to get married late, but start earning early, so you can marry late. ofcourse, you always have your DAD's cash, but then you'll be, as the Urdu saying goes, 'Ameer baap ki bigri hui aulaad!' or 'A rich man's spoilt bratty child'.

Wassalam and have a nice day,

[Muslim786]

(salam)

On what basis do you think I'm lying? Every school in Islam agrees with the Opinion I posted. Do some research.

I agree to that, Islam encourages muslims to get married at a young age to avoid any chance of having sex before marriage or something like that.

As for my opinion, I think you should get married whenever you feel you are ready, but preferably when you're young.

[Muslimtothecore]

Younger is MUCH better! Everyday I feel more and more like an old maid :(. But if I went by what you're saying, Basim, I'd have to wait until like age 27 to get married. That is way too old to have your first romantic experience. It's not even healthy to wait that long.

Edited May 17, 2009 by Muslimtothecore

[student_of_alemuhammad]

Asalamu Alaikum,

It is all about being ready. Ready means being mature and willing to do ANYTHING (halal of course) for your husband or wife. You must always support one another and love each another unconditionally. You MUST take into consideration everything that would effect your marriage. You MUST be ready to resolve any dispute as soon as one arises. Both the husband and the wife must agree to not sleep on ANYTHING. Always believe that your loved husband or wife has the best intention. misunderstandings will happen but so long as you remember to think of the other person as having their intentions correct this will make things smoother.

Being ready means you must know that you are marrying a person for the right reasons.

You will make mistakes but so long as you try to fix the problem by the example of Ahul Bayt things should be alright.

Marriage to people who have never been married before might have a mixed idea of what marriage is like. You have got to remember when you are thinking about marrying someone that this person will be with you for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

If you can do what I said above, consider yourself ready.

Money is not everything, so don't screw yourself out of a good person because they don't make what you think they should. My wife was going to marry a millionaire before she knew me. She married me because I was the right one for her.

Edited May 17, 2009 by student_of_alemuhammad

[alimohamad40]

Alsalam alaikum:

Islam advices very early marriage much earlier than what you said

20 is not even early , its very late... unfortunately many people fornicate before this age to to the lack of marriage

and 30 is not just late but that's when your way overdue.

scientific studies show that the woman's fertility is at best at the age of 17-23 and starts declining after the age of 23.

"Experts say the average woman's fertility peaks when she's 24.

Your chances of conceiving within a year of trying are about 98 per cent in your early 20s and about 84 per cent by your late 20s.

reference:

http://www.babycenter.com.au/preconception...rying/twenties/

According to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, "At 35 you're half as fertile as when you were at 25; at 40 you're half as fertile as when you were 35".

reference:

http://www.babycenter.com.au/preconception...geandfertility/

Edited May 17, 2009 by alimohamad40

[Al-Gazali]

Salam.

I would recommend early marriage because of muslims falling into sin.

[syed_muz_hussein_im]

Aslam O Alaikum

I think when we start earn and able to support our family,.

Edited May 17, 2009 by syed_muz_hussein_im

[BintAlHoda]

Marriage is not only about money and physical desires (although those are important things too). Marriage refine's a person's character and teaches them how to give, to compromise, to appreciate another person, to be patient, and many other akhlaq lessons. I think this is another major reason why marriage (and childbearing) is so highly recommended, in that I don't think anything else really teaches these lessons as well. (Before you flame me, I am NOT saying that unmarried people are ill manered... I just think that marriage refines a person; Ayatollah Motahhari said the same thing in a couple places as well)

If you marry at maturity but when young, you are in a good position to continue your growth in those human aspects. But if you wait long past maturity (say, into one's 30's), you can get kind of lazy about these things. It is also harder to adjust to living with another person when you are older and used to doing everything your way.

Marriage has generally been the 'next step' in the human life cycle... you have childhood, you mature... and then the attention focuses to marrying and eventually having children. So if this step is delayed too long it is also frustrating because it is pretty endemic to human beings to want to settle.

Of course this is the situation we are living in nowdays that many people find it challenging to marry, such is the modern world.

[jund_el_Mahdi]

At for the the part about indulging in Haram acts like adultery, masturbation etc., where's the test if you try to get away from such things by marrying.

This is very dangerous thinking brother, and also does not make sense. I mean, for example if someone was around dozens of half naked women, and wanted to leave and get out of that situation, would you tell him "Come on, stay, where's the test if you're trying to get away?"

Or if someone put a million dollars in front of you with no one around to see you, and told you to steal it, would he be wrong in wanting to get out of that situation? Of course not. It is the same with marriage.

[Maryaam]

If you fear falling into sin then marry.

This depends on the individual. Some, in their teens, are not interested in finding a spouse at this time and are very busy in school or involved in sports and do not have a fear of this.

Once you are sure of yourself and your ability to make this decision, thoughts of marriage become more and more realistic.

Having children was mentioned - I think that is something that should definitely be left until the woman's body finishes growing....at least 18.

Theoretically, earlier marriage where you can still "bend" and adjust to the other sounds ideal.

The only problem with early marriage is that there is a lot of early divorce. I guess your sexual needs have been met in a halal way, but at an emotional cost.

Also, if you end up in a loveless, unsatisfying or abusive marriage, isn't your chance of sinning even greater?

Families were able to support the young couple better when everyone lived in arms reach of each other.

[student_of_alemuhammad]

The only problem with early marriage is that there is a lot of early divorce. I guess your sexual needs have been met in a halal way, but at an emotional cost.

Also, if you end up in a loveless, unsatisfying or abusive marriage, isn't your chance of sinning even greater?

What you just stated is why I posted here before. People have got to have their heads on straight before they think of marriage. we need to examine all the areas of marriage and ourselves to know if we are capable of being married. Marriage is very demanding and you need to know if you can help make it work.

Early or not I think that people need to be sure that they can handle what they are getting themselves into before they are in this thing forever.

People are getting divorced left and right in these times. Do we want to be in a situation like that? All that I am saying is that it is more Sirius than a lot of us may think.

I am married alhamdulillah. I just feel like I want to help who ever is thinking about getting married. I don't want to scare people but it is important to know what this is all about. My wife is my best friend. We do EVERYTHING together and we love each others company. Alhamdulillah Allah sent the right one for me. I want for my brothers and sisters to have what I have been blessed with. That is why i have been posting.

Sincearly,

(wasalam)

Edited May 17, 2009 by student_of_alemuhammad

[Maryaam]

I am married alhamdulillah. I just feel like I want to help who ever is thinking about getting married. I don't want to scare people but it is important to know what this is all about. My wife is my best friend. We do EVERYTHING together and we love each others company. Alhamdulillah Allah sent the right one for me. I want for my brothers and sisters to have what I have been blessed with. That is why i have been posting.

You are BOTH blessed and deserving I am sure. :)

For me, I dont know about doing EVERYTHING together LOL, but I would like my husband to be my best friend and all that entails.

[Maryaam]

I would be interested in statistics on whether late or early marriages are more likely to endure. My personal observation indicates that when people wait until they older, they are more stubborn and "independent" (in other words, selfish) and therefore more likely to consider divorce, than those who marry young.

Got this from http://www.divorcereform.org/cor.html#anchor1438374 and have to go - so dont have time to pretty it up. There is a lot more on that site - I just grabbed the top few.

Atlanta Journal Constitution (subscription) - GA,USA

Divorce law needs no tweaking

Published on: 03/07/05

"Early marriage is a key predictor of later divorce. Nearly half of people

who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 end up divorced. It's

only 24 percent for people who marry after age 25."

Item from the Smart Marriages Archive 11/12/02, titled "More teens are getting married - 11/12/02":

"Figures released last year from the National Center for Health Statistics

found nearly half of marriages in which the bride is 18 or younger end in

separation or divorce within 10 years. For brides 25 and older, half as many

marriages break up."--From an Associated Press story printed as "More teens jumping the broom" in USA Today; "Sharp Increase in Marriages of Teenagers Found in 90's" in the NY Times; appeared in at least 30 papers the weekend of Nov. 9-10, 2002.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"NFI Releases Report on National Marriage Survey"

Article By: Vincent DiCaro, Public Affairs Manager

Fatherhood Today, Volume 10, Issue 3, Summer 2005 pgs 4-5

www.fathehood.org

"National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) has released With This Ring...A National Survey on Marriage in America, a report on one of the largest and most comprehensive surveys ever conducted on Americans' attitudes towards the institution of marriage.

...

Norval D. Glenn, the Ashbel Smith Professor and Stiles Professor in American Studies at the University of Texas at Austin, headed the research project and wrote the report. The Office of Survey Research at the University interviewed, via telephone, a representative sample of 1,503 Americans over the age of 18.

...

According to the findings of the survey, it appears that for both men and women there may be a "peak marriage age" in the mid-twenties. People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are much less likely to get divorced than those who marry as teens; they are also much more likely to be in high-quality marriages than people who marry in their late twenties or later.

This is mirrored in my experiences in my peer group.

I wonder how many early marriages of posters on SC have survived - or if are still "in tact" - are situations they would remain in if the had the option to leave.

I would love to be married - but I know it is something that needs to be decided carefully and not in haste.

[Path2Felicity]

I got married at 20... still going strong after 5 years alhamdullilah... though my husband was older.

I think a lot of the reasons why early marriages may not work (at least in America) is because of the heavy focus on individuality and unwillingness to compromise. Just my two cents.

Wasalaam

[student_of_alemuhammad]

You are BOTH blessed and deserving I am sure. :)

For me, I dont know about doing EVERYTHING together LOL, but I would like my husband to be my best friend and all that entails.

We have our own independent time separate but I'm sure you know whet I mean. :)

[BintAlHoda]

^ Statistics have to be viewed in a context. Modern society has become very "anti-marriage". We are socialized by the media and at school NOT to get married at a young age. Marriage is viewed very negatively, something to "get out" of, something that "traps" the woman (and the man who loses his freedom). You're throwing your life away when you marry "too young" (for some peole, before 25 is too young), you should "have fun, enjoy your life," etc. Career is viewed as more important than marriage. Women are valued by how much money they make. Sometimes career and money are viewed as the means to happiness. But although a career can be fulfilling and money is useful, neither one brings true happiness. It is a mirage that a lot of people chase after without realizing it.

However, these ideas are coming from a society that promotes pre-marital relationships, which means that people are not denied of love and companionship and support and (ahem) the other things until a late age (even though it is not socially healthy in the long run). However, why would people want to live without those things for a decade of their adult life?

In contrast, Islam teaches us to find happiness with our spouses, that you should look to a spouse for support and companionship and love. In fact, life is very difficult when alone. Most of the time, people don't think about it when they are young, but as you get older, it is much more pronounced. In general, actually, true happiness comes from commitment and responsibility, not "having fun"... whether it is deeply studying a subject or committing to a marriage.

Marriage is not easy. If you are living in a society which discourages people from marrying "early" and encourages uncommitted relationships, you can't help be affected by that. I am sure it doesn't help that pictures of seminaked men and women are everywhere and spouses are subconsciously comparing their spouse to the Hollywood ideals which no one can ever live up to. The grass always seems greener on the other side. I have known divorced people who said they divorced because they didn't know "how" to live as a married couple or how to resolve their problems. Many of our parents grew up in a time where there was more sense of community among family and in a town, and people could look to each other for social support and guidance. They could look to religious leaders if they needed counseling. But if a marriage is under a lot of pressure (isolation, both people working outside full time and coming home stressed, no other family for emotional support and guidance, less adherence to a common value system such as a religion, etc), it is not surprising when it breaks down especially when the outside society is telling you there are much more exciting and glamorous things you can be doing with your youth and that buying something will make you happy.

Additionally, among non Muslims, my opinion is (and I could be wrong here) that there is not enough family guidance in choosing a spouse (for most people). Contrary to some stereotypes, most people I know DO get family guidance.... but I just think it is not enough. There is a lot of wisdom in elders who have more life experience advising youngsters (or even adults) about what qualities are important in a spouse. Actually, I don't think there is enough "common wisdom" nowadays in society either about what to look for in a spouse, particularly among younger people - it's just whoever you happen to fall in love with (except for those people who are after money). But this is another reason why marriages break up, because they were poor or not well thought out matches. As Maryaam said, it's good not to be hasty.

Plus um... I don't want to sound stereotypical, but at least in my world, most non-Muslim girls got married at teenagers not because they were ready to take responsibility but because they were pregnant. (Basically, no choice in spouse selection, and just being forced into an adult role whereas maybe they day before you were going to school and being taken care of) That is very different than a well thought out, planned, intentional marriage. Otherwise most teenagers don't get married nowdays until after high school.

Teenagers nowdays seem to mature more slowly... I think this is because many kids growing up nowdays expect to be in school for a long time and not to take adult responsibilities until later... and, again, the media encourages adolecents to "have fun", to focus on music and fashion and not on the serious stuff of life. I am not saying this is true for everyone, but I have met a lot of really immature teenagers, even in our own community.... when you look at people the same age in other countries they are often much more mature, I am sure we go to other countries and sometimes an 11 year old running a shop for his father. (I'm not advocating child labor, but I'm just saying that a lot of teenagers are not as mature nowdays as they used to be) When it comes to marriage too there are all these fantasy expectations, living "happily ever after", "love lasting forever", and it just coming easily and magically but the fact is that relationships change and people don't always realize that until they get older. But if someone grows up and has mature expectations, they will have a much better chance of success at marriage. In fact, there is a hadith somewhere that says one of the responsibility of a father is to prepare his children for marriage. It is an important thing for parents to do, and most of the non Muslim parents I know don't really bother at all and just assume the kids will figure it out when the time comes; I don't know about Muslims.

I dont know but I would suspect if you look at the statistics among religious and committed Christians, Jews, etc, you will find a better success rate for younger marriages than among the general public, because there is more of a sense of community and common value system and what a marrage is supposed to be, plus the spiritual element which is vital (although many people neglect it nowdays)

Don't get me wrong - I'm not against education or career. However, what I'm saying is that that people (including us Muslism) are affected by these trends of thought and many times we don't realize it.

And yes the whole thesis of this long post lol is that there are many reasons why marriages are breaking down especially marriages contracted at a young age and it is more a societal thing not an internal psychological thing. Otherwise, so many of our ancestors married young and they weren't all miserable.

[Armans Wife]

Getting married early is easy... but the question is.. how does one maintain it?

There are many early marriages that just end up in shambles.. I think one should get married when they feel ready and mature enough for it.

[wayfarer.]

Getting married early is easy... but the question is.. how does one maintain it?

There are many early marriages that just end up in shambles.. I think one should get married when they feel ready and mature enough for it.

(salam)

Didn't you marry early ?

[Path2Felicity]

Beautiful post, Bint AlHuda... could not agree more.

[Basim Ali]

Younger is MUCH better! Everyday I feel more and more like an old maid :(. But if I went by what you're saying, Basim, I'd have to wait until like age 27 to get married. That is way too old to have your first romantic experience. It's not even healthy to wait that long.

Teehee!! I was not talking about women, its not important for woman to earn. I was talking about men. Sorry about not making it clear, though, Yeah women, are sposed to get married as soon as they think they;re ready which should be an early age, i guess...

[Basim Ali]

(bismillah)

(salam) ,

I understand and justify with you all that money is not the most important thing in marriage? Im not sure some of you are getting what i mean. Im not saying marry someone who's a millionaire, marry someone who is able to support you (for women). Think from common sense, would Islam really tech us to look for a right person to marry, even if hes not even able to earn us the basic necessities of life? Would someone really destroy her life like this?

so, one of the qualities you should look in your male partner is that he earns enough to keep you and your up-coming children happy. If hes even well-off, it much better. But since most of our parents would like their daughters to get all the luxuries of life, they look for a millionaire only, unfortunately :( :( .

As for men, they should see the akhlaq of awomen, and not blind-foldedly marry her. What if someone's marriage age, as per some of your views, is going away and you only got a prostitute to marry? Would you marry her? No WAY! So there's no age for marriage, like the Prophet (pbuh) married Khadija when she was 40, and she still had a child? Wasn't her fertility supposed to b gone by then( as one of you said female fertility declines after 23)?

Wassalam and have a nice day,

[dingdong]

(bismillah)

And marry those among you who are single and those who are virtuous among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will enrich them out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing Holy Qur’an, 24:32

Our master, Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (peace be upon him) has said, "Two Rak'at of salat of a married person is better than seventy Rak'at of salat of a bachelor and it is not good that marriage should be delayed due to poverty or other (material) needs..."

Office of Ayatollah al Udhma Khamenei

It has been narrated from the Noble Prophet (blessings of Allah be upon him and his progeny) that, "The person who delays marriage due to fear of poverty, or other such reasons has had negative thoughts about Allah"

Office of Ayatollah al Udhma Khamenei

Islam has dealt with the issue of early marriage, and rates marriage as a natural state. It is far removed from the pitfalls which others have placed in its path, in terms of mental maturity, society, financial means, etc.

World of Our Youth - Ayatollah al Udhma Fadlullah

Once, a young man from the Prophet’s companions came to the Prophet (S) and said to him, ‘My mother and I have had nothing at all for lunch today.’ He expected that the Prophet (S) would give him something, but the Prophet (S) said to him,

‘Get married!’

The young man thought that the Prophet (S) did not hear him properly, so he said again, ‘O messenger of Allah, I have had nothing even for lunch today. How can I get married?’

The Prophet (S) said again, ‘Get married!’

The young man repeated his saying and the Prophet (S) said to him, ‘Get married!’

The young man was astonished that the Prophet (S) did not give him anything, though the generous Prophet (S) would give his clothes and food even to his enemies.

The young man went back to his mother and told her what the Prophet (S) had said.

The mother said, ‘Surely, the Prophet (S) sees a wisdom in that.’ She asked for her son’s permission to ask for their neighbor’s hand. He agreed and the girl came to her husband’s house so simply and with no cost that the wedding was on the same day.

The young man thought to himself that he could not leave his wife with no means of livelihood. Therefore, he went out of the town to collect some firewood. He sold the firewood for two dirhams. He bought some food with one dirham and saved the other to buy an axe. When he had collected four dirhams, he could afford to buy an axe to cut firewood with, in order to not hurt his hands with thorns.

After some days, he could afford to buy a camel to carry the firewood on to the market. Every morning, he went to the desert to collect firewood with his axe and then carried it on his camel to the market to sell it. On the fortieth day of his marriage, the Prophet (S) saw him in Medina leading his camel. The Prophet (S) asked him about the camel. The young man told the Prophet (S) his story. The Prophet (S) said to him, ‘Did I not tell you to get married?’ Later on, this young man became one of the wealthiest people of Medina.

Quoted from “Crises and their Solutions” by Imam ash-Shirazi, p.16