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One of the greatest difficulties in

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The way we go around looking for spouses in our traditional system is that a boy goes to a girl’s house to meet her. However one very bad flaw in this system is that you don’t get a choice. You can only consider one person at a time. If you say no to a boy/girl because you want to see how others are like then you can never go back to the one you rejected. That is a big problem. How can we overcome it on a practical basis?

Is it reasonable to say to someone that you will go and see how good others are before you come back to them?

Edited by Another Member

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I know what you mean if your going out to buy a car you never buy the first car you see you got what else is on the market.

The ways its done with Kojas is we exchange email address and talk over email. Maybe you should try this method if you can?

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That is one thing you can do whilst obviously trying to be truthful but then you get a reputation for doing things like that. Some girls get lots of proposals. Some men never get the oppertunity to propose. For a man to propose he needs the support and assistance of his family and that for some doesnt come.

Emailing has its problems because you miss out on many things that you could see if you met.

Anyway back to main topic, how do we solve this problem in our own lives?

If you make it look like you had a change of heart then it looks like you didnt like the person enough in the first place. SO that may discourage them from marrying you.

Edited by Another Member

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Hmmm traditions r a bit werid sometimes

just say the truth & let them know that u want 2 check out ur options & think abt it

in my country's weird culture a boy get couple options be4 he propose unlike the poor girl unless 2 men propose the same time & that never happens

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i know this is a hard thing to accept and to overcome cause i am a girl and if that happens to me i would be mad but if he is good enough then maybe i will accept it... but it really hurts and if u did actaully have a change of hearts DONT tell the girl that u went and asked around and wanted to see whats in store for u OMG dont.. because she would be even more hurt..

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The way we go around looking for spouses in our traditional system is that a boy goes to a girl�s house to meet her. However one very bad flaw in this system is that you don�t get a choice. You can only consider one person at a time. If you say no to a boy/girl because you want to see how others are like then you can never go back to the one you rejected. That is a big problem. How can we overcome it on a practical basis?

Is it reasonable to say to someone that you will go and see how good others are before you come back to them?

This is an extremely obnoxious attitude to have. If people have this attitude then you need to get rid of it. If you reject someone on the basis that you want to 'shop around' then don't expect them to wait for you. They have every right to also 'shop around'. You must have seen something in that person that dissatisfied you, so why would you want to go back to it if you didn't think they were a good match with you?

Generally speaking, if you are bold enough to decline, then let that person be on their way. Do not mess them around or expect them to wait for you whilst you get to know other people. If your paths happen to cross again then that might be ghesmat, but it is unreasonable to expect the other to hang around for you.

The practical solution - You do have a choice!! Stand by you decision - decline only if you are 100% sure you are not suitable for one another and get on with your life. You had your chance, so make sure you don't regret it. If you are unsure then get to know each other + family, more until you can make a firm decision.

I have only ever had 2 serious proposals in my time, the second one I accepted. Someone told me that's not many and perhaps I should wait and see who else comes along. But when you meet someone who you KNOW is perfect for you, why would you want to do that? Having that attittude is how NOT to get married. I would probably have ended up single and regretful if I had rejected my husband, no one would have come along that suited me as well as him. I am 100% sure of that. Lightening doesn't strike twice as they say. If you meet someone that interests you, carry on the acquaintence until you can make a firm decision.

I am pretty sure that wanting to check out other people is not an islamically valid reason for not marrying someone. There should be more to it than that.

Edited by keys2paradise

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I am pretty sure that wanting to check out other people is not an islamically valid reason for not marrying someone. There should be more to it than that.

Lightening struck with you for some of us it doesn't. We have to make the best choice from the options we have. Rejecting someone may not always be because we see a defect in them, it may be due to other matters. No one is saying that the oher person should wait let them consider other offers.

And maybe you are right ...................... maybe we should only marry a person that we are sure of and wait longer (years if needed) till that person comes along??? Allah knows better.

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Lightening struck with you for some of us it doesn't. We have to make the best choice from the options we have. Rejecting someone may not always be because we see a defect in them, it may be due to other matters. No one is saying that the oher person should wait let them consider other offers.

And maybe you are right ...................... maybe we should only marry a person that we are sure of and wait longer (years if needed) till that person comes along??? Allah knows better.

Not only that, but some people think that a marriage will only work if Prince(ss) Charming comes along, so they wait for an idealized person to show up, when no real human being could meet that standard. That's why most people must choose the best among their options-- otherwise they will wait forever. It's not to say that "settling" for the best among their options will really be settling-- this imperfect human being may be Prince(ss) Charming after all.

We have so many single people on this forum. We should really have a matchmaking service here lol...or perhaps the married people on here can try to set people up themselves.

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Bismillah,

"I have only ever had 2 serious proposals in my time, the second one I accepted. Someone told me that's not many and perhaps I should wait and see who else comes along. But when you meet someone who you KNOW is perfect for you, why would you want to do that? Having that attittude is how NOT to get married. I would probably have ended up single and regretful if I had rejected my husband, no one would have come along that suited me as well as him. I am 100% sure of that. Lightening doesn't strike twice as they say. If you meet someone that interests you, carry on the acquaintence until you can make a firm decision"

Wow MashAllah...this is an amazing response! Agree 100%. This is very true. When you have a special connection with someone it only comes once in

a lifetime. Many other circumstances may come in the way, but that may not be reason to 'shop around'. It's the same thing as an example of a person shopping for something in the store. You cannot risk losing that precious item you longed for to try to find it some where else.

Some people search there whole life to meet a (soulmate).

In the case of a disconnect between someone you liked before, if they are still available they may consider you depending on their feelings for you.

If you two truly had a deep connection, it will always exist. You just need to be sincere in your approach. You only live once; cease the moments!!

"....verily there are signs for those who reflect"

ws

-msunforgettable

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Some girls get lots of proposals. Some men never get the oppertunity to propose. For a man to propose he needs the support and assistance of his family and that for some doesnt come.

And this is the main reason why a girl 'shop around' with other guys(proposals)while she's talking to U,eventhough she might be in love with you.But u cant propose to her(yet),which means (for some girls)that u arent that into her(specifically if u know and like each other on internet only),so she just tries her luck somewhere else(in her real life)..which wud be definitely sad for her to do bcuz she's(in love)with u.. :unsure:

but u know..this is nowadays' bitter facts;that a girl must not reject many marriage proposals for so long,and she has to marry one of the suitable ones nomatter wat her heart is telling her.. :wacko:

:yaali:

Edited by FaTiMa miRzaDa

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this is nowadays' bitter facts;that a girl must not reject many marriage proposals for so long,and she has to marry one of the suitable ones nomatter wat her heart is telling her.. :wacko:

:yaali:

Wat's wrong wid dat?

once a girl crosses a certain age limit lets say 24-26, their chances of getting good proposals decline steeply.

do u want to stay single n be miserable all ur lyfe?

there is a tarde off ... u want to wait and take ur chances (u may or u may not get ne better proposals) ... or give it a shot and try to make the best out of it.

ur call!

Edited by dan_rafi

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Dan-rafi..stayin single the whole life is NOT EQUAL to being miserable :dry:

at least not for me..bcuz i believe that LOVE(strong emotions) is the most important factor that should exist in every marriage,so if im not feeling for the guy i can not just marry him :no: only bcuz he is suitable for me and im gettin old :wacko: this is nonsense :squeez:

anywayzzzzzz i hope i will find love somewhere someday otherwise i will just stay at my dady's place my whole life untill he(and mom ofcourse)kill me..lol :cry:

peaCe.. :Hijabi:

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The way we go around looking for spouses in our traditional system is that a boy goes to a girl’s house to meet her. However one very bad flaw in this system is that you don’t get a choice. You can only consider one person at a time. If you say no to a boy/girl because you want to see how others are like then you can never go back to the one you rejected. That is a big problem. How can we overcome it on a practical basis?

Is it reasonable to say to someone that you will go and see how good others are before you come back to them?

it is very disrespectful to say sucha thing.

The guy is serious n das y he sent ya the marriage proposal. u consider the proposal seriously (meet him, meet his family, get to know him), take ur time, but be reasonable. If you come to the conclusion that he is not the rite person.... then just tell him up front... that hey, der is no match between us. good luck to ya!

Don't leave em hanging!!!!!

Don't tell him (or make him feel) thay hey, ur good... but im looking for someone better and if i fail to attract a better proposal... then i'll marry you.

Don't treat a proposal as a back-up proposal !!!!

Dan-rafi..stayin single the whole life is NOT EQUAL to being miserable :dry:

at least not for me..bcuz i believe that LOVE(strong emotions) is the most important factor that should exist in every marriage,so if im not feeling for the guy i can not just marry him :no: only bcuz he is suitable for me and im gettin old :wacko: this is nonsense :squeez:

anywayzzzzzz i hope i will find love somewhere someday otherwise i will just stay at my dady's place my whole life untill he(and mom ofcourse)kill me..lol :cry:

peaCe.. :Hijabi:

hey sister! i didnt mean to hurt ur feelings aite!

love is important..... but tell me... how can u truly love someone b4 marriage? or do u believe in love at 1st sight? love b4 marriage is haram! and it is not the love...it is just infatuation.

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hey sister! i didnt mean to hurt ur feelings aite!

love is important..... but tell me... how can u truly love someone b4 marriage? or do u believe in love at 1st sight? love b4 marriage is haram! and it is not the love...it is just infatuation.

LOL no im not hurt dont worry ^_^ why wud you :unsure: im still young :P

ok.when a girl meets a PH,isnt it important ,in ur opinion,that she feels something for him..how to explain it..hmm..

i donno.. :wacko:

the point is...what i meant with love is not todays love..its just pure special feelings that a girl must have for the ph b4 marrying him(he is a PH not a BF) :squeez: ,otherwise her life wud be like..heLL :Hijabi:

Edited by FaTiMa miRzaDa

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this is just my opinion/advice...

consider the proposal very seriously. If you think there is a personality match then go for it. Allah will shower His blessings. and love will eventually come along (true love). And if there is no match, then Allah has given u the right to reject the proposal, and if u truly believe in Him, he will send a better guy ur way, iA.

But dont just sit around waiting for the ultimate luv to come find u... there is no such thing as luv b4 marriage.

U shud not have any feelings for a guy b4 marraige... besides that ur impressed by his akhlaq (respects you n others), his belief in Allah and, that he can support a family.

This western ideology of luv/feeling is destroying our communities....

WS

Edited by dan_rafi

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LOL Dan..

i agree with all what u just said bro..but there is something which i cant explain further bcuz u r a GUY..see??to try to be more clear..its not only about love..when talking about marriage,there are some physical issues man..lol,that u CANT ignore :Hijabi: this issue(physical)is nodoubt very essential for a marriage to continue..i dont know if u got my point.. :unsure:

but i definitly agree with ur opinion about love.

:yaali:

Edited by FaTiMa miRzaDa

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LOL Dan..

i agree with all what u just said bro..but there is something which i cant explain further bcuz u r a GUY..see??to try to be more clear..its not only about love..when talking about marriage,there are some physical issues man..lol,that u cant ignore :Hijabi:

but i definitly agree with ur opinion about love.

hey, i just edited my last post.. just read wat i wrote in the bold letters :)

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let's not make this a mutah topic...

Something that was brought by our Prophet (pbuh) and endorsed by our Imams (as) "sucks"? Do you think the sunnah of Umer is better? If not mutah what should a guy unable to marry do, masturbate? Fornicate? Pave a path to hell simply because some narrow-minded culturalists see it in an unfavorable light?

I really don't understand some of you people. Thank Allah we belong to a faith that understands our human needs. Its just the followers that make things difficult.

Edited by dan_rafi

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If you are going to keep thinking that maybe somebody better will come along, then you're going to be waiting for a loooooooooooooong time. If you meet someone decent, don't put them on the benches in hopes of meeting someone better, because while you're waiting, you could miss a good opprotunity without even realizing.

^ Sometimes I wonder if being really social will make your chances of meeting someone alot better. I have some friends who are EXTREMELY social, they go to literally every single Islamic event, every single student gathering, and they seem to know everyone as they walk in the halls of the school, and yet they are still unmarried, lol.

Edited by Midnight Garden

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