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kaneez14

I suspect my daughter being abused

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(salam)

I wasn't sure as to where i should post this.

I am having suspicions of my hubby abusing our daughter i am getting really anxious thinking about it. HOW on earth do you get to the truth of if it is really happening.

For the past couple of years i have been getting complaints from her teachers that she is unusually for a kid her age to be so aggressive towards other kids. I was so upset about the number of times that this was happening i made acrazy connection and accused him in dec 2008 in front of my mum he was angry and she said that it was becos i was so stressed and did not know what else could be the reason thats why i was feeling this way. But the thing is that the complaints seem to have stopped until yesterday when she pinched a child.

I have been sleeping on the sofa for a few days now for OTHER reasons, he sleeps on our bed upstairs, my son and daughter sleep in the same room next door to ours and i heard footsteps coming from I THINK kids bedroom at 3am the next morning i asked kids were they walking around in middle of night and they said no which leaves him.

I want to know the truth so i can make a rational decision i.e hes getting out of our lives for good.

How on earth do u get proof? I have thought about setting up camera in kids room but they keep the light off. And i wouldnt know how or where i would get one from or set it up

Please someone give me some ideas as to how i can get to the bottom of this i need PROOF for my kids sake as to when they ask why their dad is no longer living with us and also my family aswell as his who will assume that i have someone else thats why i have seen this as a way out by making false accusations.

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(salam)

I have thought about setting up camera in kids room but they keep the light off.

(wasalam)

This may sound weird, but I suggest you invest in one of these babies -->

or this

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This is very serious... have you thought of asking your daughter directly? If you have reason to be suspicious of your husband, I would recommend that you do whatever you can to remove yourself and your child from the situation.

How old is your daughter? Even young kids can understand that they should not be touched a certain way- try talking to her about it.

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If you suspect your children are not safe then maybe you need to be sleeping in their room.
Even young kids can understand that they should not be touched a certain way- try talking to her about it.

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Salams sister

This is heart breaking to read, I pray to Allah that it is not true and there is some other reason for your daughters behaviour.

Please take action on this immediately today! to deal with this.

Im not sure which country you live in but in the UK the police can help with such matters they can get a Social worker who is trained to deal with such things to speak to the child. This service may be possible in your country?

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Sister theres a time and a place to worry about scandal in the community, and family honour, and other things. but this is the time to think about your children. get to the bottom of it INSTANTLY. and, if it is the case that he is abusing her, make sure you have him persecuted to the full extent of the law, because all other girls in the extended family are also at risk.

be brave sis. Allah is with you.

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(bismillah)

(wasalam)

May Allah(swt) help u all... Agree to wht Sis, Maryaam said.

Wassalam.

How old is your daughter? Even young kids can understand that they should not be touched a certain way- try talking to her about it.

Agree, the most important thing is to talk to ur daughter... InshaAllah everything will b fine.

Salams sister

This is heart breaking to read, I pray to Allah that it is not true and there is some other reason for your daughters behaviour.

Ameen.

Wassalam.

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Communicate with your daughter. Use a doll or a toy and ask her where she was touched. This way she will use the doll to pinpoint if and how her father touched her. If she points to the genital region (or any other sexual region), then it's almost certain that your husband has been molesting her.

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I second what Maryam and Fatima said, you shud take ur daughter into confidence and ask if she's receiving any abnormal behavior from her father. Another option told by Maryam that you shud sleep with ur children. God forbid, if this is happening, then you shud take elders (ur parents and hubby's parents) into loop and make some corrective measures.

Edited by rizvithegreat

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(salam)

Get a camera, ask your daughter. Catch him in the act. Don't bother asking him anything. If he is doing what you think he is doing, then he is a very sick individual. He will deny his actions and find more creative ways to molest your children.

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You must talk to your daughter without wasting any time Sis. I just hope and pray that i am wrong in this case but a mother's feeling is very rarely inaccurate. You are a genuinly concerned Mom and you will get special help from God so just get on with it. Ya Ali A.S. Ya Ali A.S.

~Abad wAllah Ya Zahra A.S. manansa Hussaina A.S.~

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Guest Anwar Abbas
This is a very severe suspicion, and if you make an accusation, whether it turns out to be true or not, the marriage will be over.

Which law or religion you are talking about?

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Ask your daughter. Do not ask her leading questions. ...

This is a very severe suspicion, and if you make an accusation, whether it turns out to be true or not, the marriage will be over.

Also, if you are worried, take your daughter to a physician and have her examined for signs of abuse.

I also recommend sleeping in the children's room. You can put a mat on the floor.

I really think this is the best way.

This is something that needs to be handled very carefully to minimize the fallout on the family. That is why you go to trained professionals for advice before (or IF) you make a formal accusation.

Take her to a doctor and go from there. There are mandated procedures that they follow so that the process is not tainted in any way.

It is really important not to ask leading questions because if there is sexual abuse (or abuse of any knid for that matter), this could be seen as "coaching" her and be cause to invalidate what she says to officials (if this becomes necessary).

I would not leave her alone with him if you are feeling that she is unsafe with him. I wouldn't put her up for "bait" to get pics and what not.

This situation needs to be handled in an objective way by people who are trained in the area, are discrete, and have no emotional investment or ties. They can advise you on the best thing to do for your child and for yourself and to give you support and strength.

If there is a problem, you also are a victim and will need support and counselling outside of the family (who have their own agenda regardless of how well intentioned they may be).

Edited by Maryaam

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Thank you everyone for your replies and duas. I started to sleep in my kids room almost straight away to the suprise of my husband. I have also questioned my daughter about if anything is going on, she is 5 years old. I also used dolls to ask her about what part of her body was being touched and by who to this she only replied 'mummy when she washes me'.

Other than that she has not brought his name into it which gave me abit of reassurance. Although i do recall her being abit sore down below and i stupidly not thinking anthing of it the least nothing like this. Other than that she did mention when i was trying to put her to sleep around about a few months back that she was scared on her own because the 'monster' came and bit her down below, I thought that she might have dreamt it which is why i told her not to worry.

I then spoke to 'stop it now' which is a sexual abuse helpline cos i felt so anxious that i was gonna go crazy. They also suggested sleeping with her to keep her safe and to get her into confidence so she trusts me enough to tell me if anything is happening. The did try to calm me down and the tried to look at the possibilities of what else it might be such as the eczema my daughter has suffered from and that could have caused the soreness. And the 'monster' could be the eczema. But the thing is she never had eczema in the area that she had her nappy on and after that aswell.

I do feel better about sleeping in the same room as her and keeping the door locked but i definitely dont trust him to be left alone with her i take her everywhere with me.

I also a few days back blurted it out and asked him to get help but he told me that why dont I speak to someone and tell them that this is the way i am thinking. It seemed like he thought that they would probarbly think im crazy.

I dunno since that day it seems like he doesnt seem bothered or worried in any way but then again he never used to in the past either hes always acted like hes invincible.

Im too scared to go to the doctor or the police because i dont want to break up m famil if there was nothing going on, and plus because i dont have proof she isnt saying his name. The soreness she had has now gone.

Thinking about it more and more his habit did change when hes with me which i put down to him watching/looking at porn even though he knew i hated him doing it now i feel quite sick thinking that it was because of what may HAVE been happening.

I have always been scared since he came to this country from abroad that once he got his British Passport he would leave me for someone else, now i wish he had rather than doing something like this.

I have been told by the helpline to go into counselling with him and also on my own as we seem to have issues in our relationship and also to bring it up there and see what happens.

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I am happy that you are getting some information about this and are being protective of your children.

May I ask how old your daughter is? In the first post you said that she had been in school a few years and in this post you say that she has nappies. Is she disabled?

Is the five year old a different daughter?

Edited by Maryaam

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Guest Peace

salam sis it sounds like your a very sensible and caring mother. You should be proud of the steps you've taken to protect your daughter and ringing the helpline was a great idea. You know you can go to the doctor even without proof - they would refer to child protection services/ child protection consultant who would examine the child and they would know what to look for and have special child psychologists if they need to use them and would take further action if they deemed it necessary. Thats an option that perhaps when she was sore you could have used. I dont know if they would find anything but certainly if there were any human bite marks you could look when you are washing her and look in the anal region as well. I wouldnt ever leave her alone with him. This sounds like one of the worst nightmares parents can go through - wishing you well xx

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I think what you should do is give her some crayons and a paper...let her draw whatever she likes and when you see she is comfortable get to her height (sit next/in front of her) and start to talk to her. Then bring the conversation up in a casual way. Kids would disclose more information when they're doing something with their hands rather then directly talking to them. As for your husband do not say anything directly to him because he might get really angry and potentially get physical. The first thing you might want to do is talk to your kids.

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I am happy that you are getting some information about this and are being protective of your children.

May I ask how old your daughter is? In the first post you said that she had been in school a few years and in this post you say that she has nappies. Is she disabled?

Is the five year old a different daughter?

Im really sorry if i confused you i cant really help it as i am really confused myself so much so i think i will go mad. Spiritually i feel really really low.

My daughter is 5 years old and she has been in school almost 3 years now, when i was talking about nappies i was talking about the time when she was wearing them and when she did have eczema for the first three yrs of her life she had eczema all over her body from head to toe except her private area. What i was wondering about was how can she have eczema there now if she didnt have it there when it was all over her body.

Alhamdulillah she isnt disabled she is fit and healthy by the grace of Allah. She is the youngest of three and the only daughter and i prayed really hard when i was expecting her because i really really wanted a girl. This is the only five year old daughter i have in fact the only daughter i have.

I feel quite sickened thinking about my husband how after being a shia all your life listening to so many majlises behave in this way?

When he talks about someone who is not a good person i think in my head how can you talk about someone you are one of the worst people on this earth you are despicable.

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Im really sorry if i confused you i cant really help it as i am really confused myself so much so i think i will go mad. Spiritually i feel really really low.

My daughter is 5 years old and she has been in school almost 3 years now, when i was talking about nappies i was talking about the time when she was wearing them and when she did have eczema for the first three yrs of her life she had eczema all over her body from head to toe except her private area. What i was wondering about was how can she have eczema there now if she didnt have it there when it was all over her body.

Alhamdulillah she isnt disabled she is fit and healthy by the grace of Allah. She is the youngest of three and the only daughter and i prayed really hard when i was expecting her because i really really wanted a girl. This is the only five year old daughter i have in fact the only daughter i have.

I see :) I was thinking she was disabled, which was even more worrisome. Thanks that she is so healthy and will stay that way. Eczema can travel to different places. My room mate had it and it was on different parts of her body at different times.

I feel quite sickened thinking about my husband how after being a shia all your life listening to so many majlises behave in this way?

When he talks about someone who is not a good person i think in my head how can you talk about someone you are one of the worst people on this earth you are despicable.

you need to find out for sure - it is possible that he hasn't done anything and you are thinking bad about him for no reason. I don't know what all this means, but it is pretty simple to have her checked out by a doctor with no commentary in front of your daughter - just go for an all over check.

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^ I think you should make sure before you are quick to judge.

Also, I think it will be healthy for you to remove this doubt from your head because so far there is nothing that is concrete regarding him abusing your child. You have taken good steps and nothing has said he is abusive, so why do you still say that he is? For all you know he is not. It is unIslamic for you to continue this doubt that now really seems to have no basis.

It is disappointing that many people have already condemned your husband.

Hasan Sajjad

President

I have tried to find out by asking my daughter and also my husband.

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I have not insulted him i have only expressed on here what i feel in my heart and head i dont see what it has to do with you i really hope that you never have to come across anything like this in your life.

You dont know me and how i am towards him i really cared for him, trusted him more than myself and respected him more than you will ever know and what it feels to feel the way that i am feeling.

Ever heard of a womans/mothers intuition?

I dont need to be speaking with someone like you and i didnt ask for your opinion specificall. Leave me alone cos your no help.

Edited by kaneez14

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^ stop being a jerk, you told her your opinion about the matter of her expressing her opinions on here, what more needs to be said? Is insulting her and getting into a verbal fight going to help anything? Just stop posting. Geez. :unsure:

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This is insulting.

I think you are immature and need to grow up. Your mothers intuition is apparently wrong. It is time you grow up.

This is not your concern. God forbid sometime you fear that your own daughter is being abused. Be mature and have some compassion. If you have something to say, say it kindly, or don't say it at all.

Whether or not her child is being sexually abused is much more important than whether or not you feel insulted.

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Im really sorry if i confused you i cant really help it as i am really confused myself so much so i think i will go mad. Spiritually i feel really really low.

My daughter is 5 years old and she has been in school almost 3 years now, when i was talking about nappies i was talking about the time when she was wearing them and when she did have eczema for the first three yrs of her life she had eczema all over her body from head to toe except her private area. What i was wondering about was how can she have eczema there now if she didnt have it there when it was all over her body.

Alhamdulillah she isnt disabled she is fit and healthy by the grace of Allah. She is the youngest of three and the only daughter and i prayed really hard when i was expecting her because i really really wanted a girl. This is the only five year old daughter i have in fact the only daughter i have.

I see :) I was thinking she was disabled, which was even more worrisome. Thanks that she is so healthy and will stay that way. Eczema can travel to different places. My room mate had it and it was on different parts of her body at different times.

I feel quite sickened thinking about my husband how after being a shia all your life listening to so many majlises behave in this way?

When he talks about someone who is not a good person i think in my head how can you talk about someone you are one of the worst people on this earth you are despicable.

you need to find out for sure - it is possible that he hasn't done anything and you are thinking bad about him for no reason. I don't know what all this means, but it is pretty simple to have her checked out by a doctor with no commentary in front of your daughter - just go for an all over check.

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This is insulting.

I think you are immature and need to grow up. Your mothers intuition is apparently wrong. It is time you grow up.

Hasan Sajjad

President

I understand that there is no concrete proof but I believe we should be supportive to people who come to this website for help.

Edited by Gulam

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A few of you may remember i posted this up a while back. I was having problems logging into my original account so have had to make up a new one.

I would just like to thank those that were understanding and compassionate back then, it really meant alot. Those that weren't, well i guess it is a taboo reality, and thats exactly what it is a REALITY. Sadly for me and my daughter. I a very horrible and nightmarish reality. I have been able to understand that this is something that alot of people wish to deny hoping that it will just go away. But it doesn't. This evil act has been going and is going on. Keeping silent will only fuel the perpetrator and allow them to carry on, as there is noone for the victim to go to.

Well anyway sorry for the rant, i actually wanted to just update on what has happened since, and to THANK my brothers and sisters for their advice.

I posted quite a while back with suspicions about my husband inteferring with our biological daughter. On the advice of a helpine called 'stop it now' i decided to move her into my room and him out of our room. This went on for about 3mths. July the 1st, i decided i couldnt carry on with him living under tyhe same roof, so i didn't let him back into my house. He was furious, he then went to my mums, not knowing why i did that. I told my brother why i did what i did who insisted that if i'm telling the truth then i shouyld prove it by going to the police. Which i reluctantly did, as i couldn't see what they would do as there was no PROOF as such.

The police went to my daughters school a few days later, questioned her about 'the monster' and if her dad was doing anything' she told them NO. After that they said there wasn't any proof as she did not disclose that she's been abused and neither did i. The thing is that i could only tell them what my reasons were and i couldn't tell them that yes i have seen him abusing her when i haven't. Had i seen it then i wouldn't need to come on here or go anywhere else to ask for advice. Anyway that was that. After this my sister was ringing me up telling me i have a filthy mind, how on earth i could think something like this about him, blah blah blah. I then decided to move out to a refuge away from everyone on 10th July. That night my brother is worried about me and goes to the police station to report us missing and my hubby joins him. My brother was told by the officer that we were safe which set his mind at rest. That night i'm getting messages left on my voicemail, him sobbing that he knows what he's lost and he's gonna appreciate me from now on. what the hell, its got nothing to do with that anymore. Its about him doing something he shouldnt be. SS became involved but didn't really do anything because we moved out of the home.

We have since moved back into the house and he moved out of the house. I informed my local SS that we are back, and told me that i should ask for the help if i ever need it. I came across a charity that deals with Abuse, with whom my dd is seeing a therapist every week. She really likes the therapist, although hasn't disclosed anything, but i'm hopeful that i am doing the right thing by getting help for her before she discloses. Since March she has calmed down considerably, her behaviour has improved and she is doing well in terms of her education. On the whole i feel that i lost my dd and now i have her back. Not completely but most of her. I am hopeful that i will get her back completely. I am trying to be patient that she will with time be able to talk about what happened. I wasn't at first as i felt i needed proof to those around me, him and my family that he has been up to something.

I don't have the proof but i have learnt to trust my gut instinct which was telling me that something isn't right. From how she changed in herself before my intervention and then went back to her old self. Is enough for me along with all the other physical signs which i didn't think anything of before to assure me that he was upto something. Since i have been back he has offered to change his job so he is doing night shifts when my dd will be home, that sort of said to me that he was admitting something. He a few wks back was hassling me that i was just being stubborn about not letting him back into the house, when the police haven't bothered to question him because there was nothing for them to go on. I gave him the no. for local SS and told him to speak to them and let them decide on what will happen. He then asked me to HELP HIM OUT by telling them when they ask me to say that i trust him and that i want him back in the house. I refused and told him that they will do there job. Whatever is best for the child and it doesn't matter what i say. Sorry for the long post, but i have been meaning to update on what has happened since.

I have absolutely no regrets about coming on here for advice, despite the hassle that i was getting from some members. And no regrets whatsoever about taking the steps that i did because i know that i was doing the RIGHT thing and unlike some. Standing up for truth and standing against injustice, and most of all my Daughter is SAFE. I have got to the point that i really don't care what anyone thinks, whereas before i WAS worried about family honour etc.

Like Maula da malang said there is a time and place for family honour and respect and this definitely wasn't one of them. A childs life and innocence was and is much much more important then these things.

I have a request PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember me and my children especially my daughter in your duas. That she is able to come through this and grow into a healthy and happy young lady.

Jazakallah

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Jazakallah for the update sis, you 100% did the right thing. a childs innocence and happiness is worth more than that scumbag. im glad i could help in some small way :blush:

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Am I missing something here? No proof whatsoever of this and the daughter herself has been denying anything happened, even with therapy now. Yet still she left her husband taking away his daughter, then came back but refused him entry to his house? Her own family not supporting her, apparently thinking she's sick in the head. And sounds like she's hoping that her daughter will eventually come around and accuse her own father of this most revolting act? All based on her feelings (again with no evidence apparently, was she tested for physical signs?) and that her daughter was acting differently in school?

Do people realize the consequences of this, especially should her suspicions be wrong? That she'll have disobeyed her husband in a most revolting fashion, ruined her family, ruined her husband's life and her daughter's?

And again, based solely on a gut feeling??

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Am I missing something here? No proof whatsoever of this and the daughter herself has been denying anything happened, even with therapy now. Yet still she left her husband taking away his daughter, then came back but refused him entry to his house? Her own family not supporting her, apparently thinking she's sick in the head. And sounds like she's hoping that her daughter will eventually come around and accuse her own father of this most revolting act? All based on her feelings (again with no evidence apparently, was she tested for physical signs?) and that her daughter was acting differently in school?

Do people realize the consequences of this, especially should her suspicions be wrong? That she'll have disobeyed her husband in a most revolting fashion, ruined her family, ruined her husband's life and her daughter's?

And again, based solely on a "gut feeling"??

Yeah, that a 5 year 'may' have been abused and yet denied it when questioned by police. Fair to say that many children deny abuse at a young age, maybe a mental block to protect them from more damage, yet the childs denial does not mean the husband is 'definitely innocent', just as we dont know if he is 'guilty'. I know we say, innocent until proven guilty, but in possible cases of abuse its not quite this black and white. A childs body language and behaviour can speak a lot, even if the child cannot. People can tell if friends or family are having problem by body language or change of behaviour, even before words are spoken. A mother should know her only daughter very well.

A very difficult call for the mother to make, go back to husband and 'possibly' risk the daughter suffering more abuse, or protect her daughter at all costs and break up the family. I'm sure its not a decision she took lightly.

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Am I missing something here? No proof whatsoever of this and the daughter herself has been denying anything happened, even with therapy now. Yet still she left her husband taking away his daughter, then came back but refused him entry to his house? Her own family not supporting her, apparently thinking she's sick in the head. And sounds like she's hoping that her daughter will eventually come around and accuse her own father of this most revolting act? All based on her feelings (again with no evidence apparently, was she tested for physical signs?) and that her daughter was acting differently in school?

Do people realize the consequences of this, especially should her suspicions be wrong? That she'll have disobeyed her husband in a most revolting fashion, ruined her family, ruined her husband's life and her daughter's?

And again, based solely on a gut feeling??

^ This

Is this even legal? Denying a man access to his daughter (and by the sounds of it, his own house?) with no proof whatsoever (infact the majority of the 'proof' weighing against it). Honestly you're childs safety is very important, but as Macisaac said the consequences are huge. What about the child growing up without a father? What about the man himself if he is innocent (His children taken from him and his name ruined). If he is guilty he certainly deserves it but honestly we can't jump on the bandwagon of abusing him until there is proof and so far I fail to see any (as did the police)

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^ This

Is this even legal? Denying a man access to his daughter (and by the sounds of it, his own house?) with no proof whatsoever (infact the majority of the 'proof' weighing against it). Honestly you're childs safety is very important, but as Macisaac said the consequences are huge. What about the child growing up without a father? What about the man himself if he is innocent (His children taken from him and his name ruined). If he is guilty he certainly deserves it but honestly we can't jump on the bandwagon of abusing him until there is proof and so far I fail to see any (as did the police)

It is probably one of the most difficult jobs for a child psychologist working for the police to determine if a child has been abused or not. Children have no understanding of sex, or inappropriate touching and a child psychologist has to be very careful regarding leading questions, and yet a child will not really have the language or understanding to say what happened. I think a child psychologist has to always always err on the side of caution, as getting it wrong can be disastrous.

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What a Wicked, Wicked woman...kicking him out of and taking away his house and kids.

Yeah right.

Macisaac go do some research on child abuse, the tactics used by those that abuse for e.g grooming their victim.

Irishman i agree with you 100%. You put it so well. As much as we would like them to be, some things are not always black and white.

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^ Man what are you guys talking about???

The child's behavior could be effected for MANY reasons. If there is NO sign of abuse, then why accuse the husband of abuse based on NOTHING?

Exactly. So every five year girl that starts acting differently at school, we're to seize them from their fathers, accuse them of being child molesters and kick them out of their homes to boot?

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