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newly married & problems

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sa110

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A paki and khoja marriage - no wonder u got problems.

I think the advice u been given here is too"nice" and wont help you. What u got to do is give the boy a taste of his own medicine. You gotta stay out at all hours, make new friends, go cold on him like he does to you etc etc. When he needs food, or housework to be done, or even sex.....you do to him what he does to you....just pick up the phone and blank him.

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I have... got myself a life..

i have a hobby of graphic designing. and its what i do.. its my passion and i really enjoy it and now its actually a hobby that has sort of turned into my living.

i have been going out to loads of interviews.... meaning i have applied to loads of jobs.. its very difficult time at the moment but i should get 1 soon.. inshallah.. only Allah knows best.

lastly... all his team mates are single.. and no wifes.. and those couple who have wifes they have newly born babies.. so they tend to stay home... so technically id be the only one.

i have changed alot.. i left my family and i left my culture.. and i have changed alot around his family.

but whats in my blood will remain. i cannot change that.

i have changed alot.. and its a shame that hes not changing a tiny bit for me.

anyways...

im mentally being affected

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A paki and khoja marriage - no wonder u got problems.

I think the advice u been given here is too"nice" and wont help you. What u got to do is give the boy a taste of his own medicine. You gotta stay out at all hours, make new friends, go cold on him like he does to you etc etc. When he needs food, or housework to be done, or even sex.....you do to him what he does to you....just pick up the phone and blank him.

dont you have any other JOB other then destroying some one's married life?

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i have changed alot.. and its a shame that hes not changing a tiny bit for me.

anyways...

im mentally being affected

Sis..you are right, it is - it is a shame that he is not changing, but he needs a motivation to change. His family seems to be supporting what he is doing so he probably will not change and you need to accept that. That is what I was trying to say.

By get a life I mean set yourself up so that you do not make him the center of your universe. Maybe do things single women would do and meet up with them then. Your husband can not object as that is what he does.

You need some emotional support. You said you had a brother in London - maybe visit him one weekend a month. But dont sit at home when you are there - get out and do things in London - there are many many things you can do even by yourself there. Take advantage of the opportunity if you can.

It is easier to see things in a different way when you remove yourself from the situation.

Sis Jen - I understand where you are coming from and perhaps would try some of this myself if I was in the situation out of being hurt and frustrated. Acting like this feels good for the moment but I dont think it would make things better in the end and perhaps make things worse.

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Sis Jen - I understand where you are coming from and perhaps would try some of this myself if I was in the situation out of being hurt and frustrated. Acting like this feels good for the moment but I dont think it would make things better in the end and perhaps make things worse.

I dont see how it'd make things worse in the long run.

If you act the same way he does, he will eventually realise the reason why he married in the first place. He'll realise why he needs a wife - for food and sex.

By behaving cold towards him she'll gain the control in the relationship, which at the moment he is using and abusing.

For some people, you cant lie back and just pray and hope things are going to change. You need to be harsh sometimes to shake someone into reality.

And another thing - not that im being pessimistic or anything - but i've known 2 khoja-paki marriages (the only ones ive known) that have failed, because of pretty much similar reasons

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Sis..you are right, it is - it is a shame that he is not changing, but he needs a motivation to change.

Salam sis

you know.. 1 day i said something such as " hun you didnt pray last night... did you? you were watchin man u play and i reminded you.. but you still didnt.

i said it in a sweetest way every and he goes to me.. you're not my mum.. dont ever ask me anythign about wheter i have prayed or where i have prayed or when i have prayed. its a mums thing.. you're not my mum. i never ask you anything as such so why do u ask me?????

and i shut up.. im liek thinking.. but now im his wife.. i want the best of us both.. so whats wrong in me asking him.. i am only trying to keep our deen strong and religion going.

also again i said somethgn which was nothign bad at all.. for it to go the wrong way and he was like...

i will never be controlled by you... you're trying to put me under your thumb and i will never be put under yout thumb.

very angrily.

so even if i try and motivate him... he wont.. as he has made it clear.

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Sis..you are right, it is - it is a shame that he is not changing, but he needs a motivation to change.
Salam sis

you know.. 1 day i said something such as " hun you didnt pray last night... did you? you were watchin man u play and i reminded you.. but you still didnt.

i said it in a sweetest way every and he goes to me.. you're not my mum.. dont ever ask me anythign about wheter i have prayed or where i have prayed or when i have prayed. its a mums thing.. you're not my mum. i never ask you anything as such so why do u ask me?????

and i shut up.. im liek thinking.. but now im his wife.. i want the best of us both.. so whats wrong in me asking him.. i am only trying to keep our deen strong and religion going.

also again i said somethgn which was nothign bad at all.. for it to go the wrong way and he was like...

i will never be controlled by you... you're trying to put me under your thumb and i will never be put under yout thumb.

very angrily.

so even if i try and motivate him... he wont.. as he has made it clear.

:(

Sis -

I think you are pretty much on your own. Maybe, you can think of your situation as a test or as an opportunity to develop in ways that you had not considered before.

Put your energy into taking care of yourself and in REALLY being the best you can be. Focusing on personal development will help to keep you mentally healthy. Happiness comes from personal accomplishment in all areas of your life. When you look in the mirror, always be able to say that you like the person you see looking back - it takes a lot of work to be able to do that. Be a true friend to yourself and make it a priority to nurture this lifelong relationship. (when I have felt very alone, focusing on this has really helped me).

Give yourself personal goals and work on them each day...for eg, for me, this also includes physical goals - like how fast I can bike to school or how many laps in swimming in 30 minutes, how far I can stretch in a pose in yoga, etc - these are good because you can see the results...but personal goals also could be working on a new skill in computer graphics or sewing a special project (a beautiful pillow for your bed or a special gift for your mom) or working on a language. (again, for eg, I have Arabic lessons playing in the background when I am cooking or cleaning so that my mind is busy at times that can be mentally empty so there is no room for depression or bad thoughts)

Most of all, to the best of your ability, follow a pure Islamic path and fulfill your obligations as a wife - as long as you are married, you are required to do this. While being careful to maintain personal honour and dignity, be respectful and generous to your husband and his parents, as how you treat them is a purely reflection of who you are.

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^ you have the potential to become a great marriage counselor

there is nothing better in world then having a wife who reminds you to pray ...man this guy has no idea what he is losing..

exactly.. why do most good women get married off to lousy guys :dry:

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i feel like my lifes coming to an end..

you know... i felt i was accepted who i was and what i was.... now i am being controlled by my in-laws... and they say to me marriage is hard.. just be patient... i mean excuse me. i married my hubby.. not their culture.

they want me to wear what they wear liek the shalwar kamees. im not into shalwar kames and i dont find it comfortable, and theres my father in law saying.. that now im in their family.. their daugther i should do what they want me to do.

we dont have that in our khojas.. no-one is forced or controlled like that.. and i feel this is totaly wrong. i dont dress up in a way m flash are showing.. i wear trousers and a smart long kurti. its become soooo frustrating.. i feel rejected the fact they cannot accept me who i am and what i am.

i have my religion and my belief ... i am very strong in these... and they make me do thigns which is not important at all.. i mean... hows their cultrue going to help me? wear shalwar kamees.. and go to weddings where theres full blast music and girls prctise professional dances.. and they think theyr all top notch and perfect.. and me wearing jeans and long kurti's im a tramp. i feel my religion is better then theirs.

i hate what theyr trying to do.

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i feel like my lifes coming to an end..

you know... i felt i was accepted who i was and what i was.... now i am being controlled by my in-laws... and they say to me marriage is hard.. just be patient... i mean excuse me. i married my hubby.. not their culture.

they want me to wear what they wear liek the shalwar kamees. im not into shalwar kames and i dont find it comfortable, and theres my father in law saying.. that now im in their family.. their daugther i should do what they want me to do.

we dont have that in our khojas.. no-one is forced or controlled like that.. and i feel this is totaly wrong. i dont dress up in a way m flash are showing.. i wear trousers and a smart long kurti. its become soooo frustrating.. i feel rejected the fact they cannot accept me who i am and what i am.

i have my religion and my belief ... i am very strong in these... and they make me do thigns which is not important at all.. i mean... hows their cultrue going to help me? wear shalwar kamees.. and go to weddings where theres full blast music and girls prctise professional dances.. and they think theyr all top notch and perfect.. and me wearing jeans and long kurti's im a tramp. i feel my religion is better then theirs.

i hate what theyr trying to do.

(bismillah)

If i were u, i w'd not share my domestic problem here. You see the result, that on 4 pages, there are different point of views which made u more confused and made this prob more complex, and u seem so much down and feeling bad abt ur in laws. Look sis, discuss this issue with ur hubby, make him realize that this prob is coming and we shud sit and get the solutions out. Off course he's ur life partner and he's the only one who can understand you better than any1 here. These domestic problems shud be solved within hubby n wife and shud not be publicize. I request you, just relax, don't be more complex, sit down with hubby,discuss all issues u r facing, let him tackle the issues arising from his parents, and live a happy life. May Allah solve ur all problems and u live a wonderful life with ur family.

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rizvi i agree with your points but you know brother, some times we dont have any one arround to talk with our problems and we dont get any other way out but to make some issue public and seek for some ideas and suggestion.....even i have the same habit ....

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rizvi i agree with your points but you know brother, some times we dont have any one arround to talk with our problems and we dont get any other way out but to make some issue public and seek for some ideas and suggestion.....even i have the same habit ....

(bismillah)

Thanks for agreement. Well, consultancy is not bad, but too many views make u confuse, we need to analyze all ideas and suggestions and apply best suit to our situation with having all consequences in mind. This is very sensitive family issue which need extra consideration by sis to take any decision.

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(bismillah)

If i were u, i w'd not share my domestic problem here. You see the result, that on 4 pages, there are different point of views which made u more confused and made this prob more complex, and u seem so much down and feeling bad abt ur in laws. Look sis, discuss this issue with ur hubby, make him realize that this prob is coming and we shud sit and get the solutions out. Off course he's ur life partner and he's the only one who can understand you better than any1 here. These domestic problems shud be solved within hubby n wife and shud not be publicize. I request you, just relax, don't be more complex, sit down with hubby,discuss all issues u r facing, let him tackle the issues arising from his parents, and live a happy life. May Allah solve ur all problems and u live a wonderful life with ur family.

Bro, I also agree with what you're saying but, like Ali Huzaifa said, sometimes we have no one to hear us out or support us. I know we all pray and talk to Allah and Wali e Asr, but sometimes you need to physically "hear" from someone to keep you going...it takes a lot of courage to say in a public forum what your personal married life is going through and the sis needs some reassurance that eventually all will be well.

Besides, we are all giving her moral support, none of us gave her "conflicting" advices that would create rifts in her family life (except for some people).

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what if i have tried talking to my husband?

and when i say to him i dont feel comfortable.. i dont like it ... instead of saying if thats the case then lets not do it.. he says " it does not have to be comfortable" where does it say that if somethigns not comfortable for a wife she has no choise but to do it... he says "sacrifise"

my family were certenly not liek this.. we are all about comfort in living at the same time.. have the reliigon the most important.

he has also said.. have you not heard that " when a women gets married she has to adapt herself to the living in the guys house" so he wants me to do what his family want me to do.

nothing is about what i want to do or what he wants to do... his family tell him stuff he tells me.. and thats how it is.

i have made my points across.. but i had a lecture from my father in law.. that we know the culture differences.. but now you are here.. so be liek us. i didnt marry to change who i am and what i am.

and yes its true.. i have no-one to talk to about anything... im gone into dpression.. so this is where i end up coming! and its not liek i can go home for a week or so.. my family dont live here.. they have moved country.

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(bismillah)

We pray Almighty Allah with the reference to Ahl-e-Bait(A.S) that the life of our sis (sa110) or other momins who are having same problems should become normal and peaceful. They enjoy a good life without any disputes and keep all of us on right path (Ameen).

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i feel like my lifes coming to an end..

you know... i felt i was accepted who i was and what i was.... now i am being controlled by my in-laws... and they say to me marriage is hard.. just be patient... i mean excuse me. i married my hubby.. not their culture.

they want me to wear what they wear liek the shalwar kamees. im not into shalwar kames and i dont find it comfortable, and theres my father in law saying.. that now im in their family.. their daugther i should do what they want me to do.

we dont have that in our khojas.. no-one is forced or controlled like that.. and i feel this is totaly wrong. i dont dress up in a way m flash are showing.. i wear trousers and a smart long kurti. its become soooo frustrating.. i feel rejected the fact they cannot accept me who i am and what i am.

i have my religion and my belief ... i am very strong in these... and they make me do thigns which is not important at all.. i mean... hows their cultrue going to help me? wear shalwar kamees.. and go to weddings where theres full blast music and girls prctise professional dances.. and they think theyr all top notch and perfect.. and me wearing jeans and long kurti's im a tramp. i feel my religion is better then theirs.

i hate what theyr trying to do.

Salaams Sis,

From what I can tell from your post, you are loosing hope, which won't work. You need to be strong and tell your self come any storm, I will stand it and shield myself. I know easier said than done, but, its life and it will never be in perfect co-ordination with what we want it to be.

You mentioned in one of your prior posts that your husband does ask you to go out with him, but you refuse because you want to spend time with him. Going out together is also a way spending time. Go to a mall, the beach for a stroll or some place that interests you both and try to see what things you see eye-to-eye. Ofcourse you both will not like and dislike the same things, but sometimes we have to give sacrifices, and that is the meaning of marriage. More than often, its the woman who sacrifices, you know why? Because its not in men's nature to give that hard or that many sacrifices. They will sacrifice, but only after seeing their other half doing so. And it takes time, believe me it takes a lot of time and effort, but in the end it is worth it.

You are trying to engulf your mind with the fact that everything is a conspiracy against you. It probably isn't so. It's just that your mind has now become tuned into thinking that way.

I'll tell you how its not a conspiracy... I also come from a very religious family and not too much into fashion and glamour. My in-laws are also religious Alhamdulillah but unfortunately my mother in law passed away before I even got engaged. After my marriage, I came to the States and hubby and I are alone here with little/no community. When I went home in the summer, my bhabhi took me to weddings and sufras and she asked me to dress up, thats because she told me "if mummy was here, she'd want you to dress up and look beautiful."

So sometimes, mother in laws are just proud of their daughter in laws and want to show them to their friends. You have to try and understand that your mother in law does not and will not think like you. Ever. That's because of the generation gap. She's still the old school type. You can always dress the way she wants but wearing loose salwaar kameez that doesn't show your body, and sometimes you can tell her in a polite way, like "mum I don't feel like wearing this today" or "how about I wear this today."

Try to make her (your mother in law) a part of you and your decisions. try to treat his family as your own, things will really change because you'll begin seeing them from a different view. Try to establish that mother-daughter relationship instead of mother in law-daughter in law relationship. Things will change. Try not to pay attention to the music in the ceremonies, keep your mind busy with something else. You are the new member in their family, so you have to adopt them, not otherwise.

Not to forget, your religion is the SAME as theirs, you just follow it differently and so do they. Its like when one of the companions dreamt of the silk cloth and people tearing pieces of it and Imam Ali (a.s) said the silk cloth is Islam and the people who are tearing are the Ummah, they take from Islam that which suits their needs and if it does not, they leave it hanging.

I am sorry for a long reply, I hope I helped. Marriage is difficult and this is just the beginning. There are many problems a couple faces. No-one has a perfect marriage, because marriage is a union of two very different people. You can't bail out so quick sis! Try to change the way you see your in-laws, I bet you things will change! :)

Edited by Dew-Drop
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Marriage is difficult and this is just the beginning. There are many problems a couple faces. No-one has a perfect marriage, because marriage is a union of two very different people. You can't bail out so quick sis! Try to change the way you see your in-laws, I bet you things will change! :)

(bismillah)

Agreed.

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what if i have tried talking to my husband?

and when i say to him i dont feel comfortable.. i dont like it ... instead of saying if thats the case then lets not do it.. he says " it does not have to be comfortable" where does it say that if somethigns not comfortable for a wife she has no choise but to do it... he says "sacrifise"

my family were certenly not liek this.. we are all about comfort in living at the same time.. have the reliigon the most important.

he has also said.. have you not heard that " when a women gets married she has to adapt herself to the living in the guys house" so he wants me to do what his family want me to do.

nothing is about what i want to do or what he wants to do... his family tell him stuff he tells me.. and thats how it is.

i have made my points across.. but i had a lecture from my father in law.. that we know the culture differences.. but now you are here.. so be liek us. i didnt marry to change who i am and what i am.

and yes its true.. i have no-one to talk to about anything... im gone into dpression.. so this is where i end up coming! and its not liek i can go home for a week or so.. my family dont live here.. they have moved country.

This depression thing happened to me too. I am still suffering from it, its only best if you try an get out of it from early on, otherwise it will make you miserable.

Part of the problem is you keep thinking what and how your family is and was like. I know it's hard, but you will have to adapt to your new family setting because after marriage, that becomes your new family. His mum = your mum and same goes for all other relations. Of course you don't marry to change yourself, but when you love someone, alot of the times you do change for them--I don't say change the whole of you, but things that you can, give it a try, when they will see you responding, slowly, they'll respond too, because you not only have generation gap with them, you also have a cultural gap.

Your parents in laws don't sound like bad or mean people, its just that people have different views and opinions...

Edited by Dew-Drop
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* the times he has asked me out.... im never agasint.. im always up for it. and i have never said not to spend time.. as yes goign out with him is also spending time.. sis i think you might have mis-understood.. what i did mention is the fact he wnats to stick to his hobby he has said come and watch us play... the fact i dont lik staying home.. and thats what i have not been happy about.. im not into sports and to go and watch guys play crikcet for hrs is a bore for me. i cant sit and watch the game like that. thats what im not for it.

and iv lost.. he's won. the week he works.. sat and sun he'l be out playin cricket.. i dont know what my life is anymore...

also... shalwar kameez at home... as dad wants to see me in that just liek his daughters.. not just outside occasions.... im casual.. and there had been a death in pakistan.. relative passed away.. so we had ppl coming home for absos.. and family all wore black... now i have been taught and have haerd from scholars that... you only wear black for imams.. you dont do that for humans.. ocourse you feel the giref and pain.. but you dont do that.. it only depresses the family more.. not only that.. you;re equalising the imams to humans... and us humans are nothing compared to our imams.. so i wore black trousers black scarf and a decent normal top.. and i was told off.. again family complaied to my hubby.. and hes like.. can you respect the death.. this is tooo wild what you're wearing. i do not belive in wearing black for 40 days... but i do feel the grief.... and again i lost.. and i have been wearing black shalwar kameez last few days.. and will have to until the 40th.

they dont want to understand my facts... we have shahadats and wildats.. when we have imams shahdats they're only 1 day... thats it.. why do we not do 40 days for the imams shahadats??? if we did we would be living a life of depression and blackness... we only do 40th for imam HUSSAIN.. and ofcourse.. 40th for the deceased.. but not to an extent of wearing black for 40 contious days.. if we dont do that for other imams then why should we for humans?

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* the times he has asked me out.... im never agasint.. im always up for it. and i have never said not to spend time.. as yes goign out with him is also spending time.. sis i think you might have mis-understood.. what i did mention is the fact he wnats to stick to his hobby he has said come and watch us play... the fact i dont lik staying home.. and thats what i have not been happy about.. im not into sports and to go and watch guys play crikcet for hrs is a bore for me. i cant sit and watch the game like that. thats what im not for it.

and iv lost.. he's won. the week he works.. sat and sun he'l be out playin cricket.. i dont know what my life is anymore...

also... shalwar kameez at home... as dad wants to see me in that just liek his daughters.. not just outside occasions.... im casual.. and there had been a death in pakistan.. relative passed away.. so we had ppl coming home for absos.. and family all wore black... now i have been taught and have haerd from scholars that... you only wear black for imams.. you dont do that for humans.. ocourse you feel the giref and pain.. but you dont do that.. it only depresses the family more.. not only that.. you;re equalising the imams to humans... and us humans are nothing compared to our imams.. so i wore black trousers black scarf and a decent normal top.. and i was told off.. again family complaied to my hubby.. and hes like.. can you respect the death.. this is tooo wild what you're wearing. i do not belive in wearing black for 40 days... but i do feel the grief.... and again i lost.. and i have been wearing black shalwar kameez last few days.. and will have to until the 40th.

they dont want to understand my facts... we have shahadats and wildats.. when we have imams shahdats they're only 1 day... thats it.. why do we not do 40 days for the imams shahadats??? if we did we would be living a life of depression and blackness... we only do 40th for imam HUSSAIN.. and ofcourse.. 40th for the deceased.. but not to an extent of wearing black for 40 contious days.. if we dont do that for other imams then why should we for humans?

I can understand sis, but all I am saying is if you try and adapt yourself to them, slowly, very slowly they will understand you. Like I said earlier, marriage is difficult, its no bed of roses and it will take a lot of time and effort. Imam Khomeini didn't revolutionize Iran just like that. He won peoples' hearts and thats when the whole nation was stading up for him. (I use his example coz i simply adore him to death and my late grandfather looked so much like him :wub: :cry:) And that's what I am saying: Win Their Hearts!

So, first you take the step forward, then they'll take the step towards you. Try sis, just try.

Marriage isn't about winning or loosing, take that concept out from your mind. Its about fighting the rough tide together and coming through victorious. As a couple.

You said you aren't into sports. But, how about you just try going and cheering him to the game? He will see you are taking time to appreciate his game. Trust me, men don't always voice out their emotions, they notice it all and that's when he will realize what all you sacrifice for him and what he should be doing for you.

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it is a love marriage... but it wasnt a quick thing... he started coming home every wekends.. and thats when my whole fmaily started to know him... infact my daadi and naani. liekd him sooo much she said to me.. where did you find this man?? family really liked him too.. the way he respected them and all.. and ofcourse.. family did the checking of his family and himself..and then it was approved.

othewise being the only daughter my family wouldnt give me to anyone just like that. family also started to know his family.. and everythign was fine.

i had asked him everything... and he understood me.. who i am and what i am.. and my beliefs.. and alll.. and that was most important.. other thigns as well..it all seemed fine.. and we went for it.

all of a sudden hes changed. its not about what i want and how i feel.. its about what his fmaily want.

and a loving husband who turns around and says " it does not have to be comfortbale" "sacrifise" when i say i dont feel comfy in this or that... is not really a loving husband at all.

he should more like say well in that case lets not do this at all. not... go agasint me.

i try to back myself up and he shuts me up by saying.. have you not heard that when a girl comes into a guys family she has to abide by the rule??? if he did tell me that before the marriage i wouldnt have got married to him. i dont like to be controleld.

i didnt marry his culture.. i married him.. for hwat he was and who he is.

and i have his sister saying to me.. marriage isnt easy.. so relax.. NO EXCUSE ME! thats their concetp! yea marriage isnt easy.. but that doesnt mean they turn me and make me do thigns im not into!

and dad in law says... well now you are our daughter so you do what we want you to do... i have not heard anythign as such from my dad to my brothers wife. we accpet ppl for who they are and what they are.. we dont change...

at the end of the day i will die i will have 1 white cuffun wrapped around me.. and my religion and belief will be there to help me out... not CULTURES and SHALWAR KAMEEZ... i dont wear shalwar kameez... i wear beggy clothes... and i do not lsiten to music at all.. they wear shalwar kameez and think theyr all better and top notch then me.. but listen to music and all.. what is that aout? and wearing black when some1 passes away??? im not into it.. but i do feel the giref and i do pray for them and all... material stuff is not what coutns in life.

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is there a written fact that a daughter in law has to abide by the rules and adapt to the husbands family living????? is it said in islam that this is suppsoe to happen?

form where im coming form.. im not heard of this and therefore dont belive in it...

but i need to know or want to know is theres such a fact????

or is it a pakistani mentality

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is there a written fact that a daughter in law has to abide by the rules and adapt to the husbands family living????? is it said in islam that this is suppsoe to happen?

form where im coming form.. im not heard of this and therefore dont belive in it...

but i need to know or want to know is theres such a fact????

or is it a pakistani mentality

(bismillah)

Well, according to shariya the wife is bound to obey wat her hubby says and wants,a wife is not allowed to make him annoy with any of her act or dis please her hubby, but there are some social liabilities(not specifically Pakistani, its common) which every gal has to abide, other wise the gal is not recognized as social or good(common problem of our society). As far as wearing shalwar qameez is concerned, well if ur father asks you that do not wear jeans rather start wearing shalwar qameez, you'll obey his order because you have to respect him since he's ur father, likewise, treat ur in laws as ur parents. They way you obey ur parents, give same status to them,i bet they'll change any negative thoughts abt u and will give u respect. Adaptability is key to make a married life successful. Put urself in the shoes of ur bhabhi (Ur brother's wife), if she behaves negative and dis respect ur parents, will she be good in ur eyes? so, my sis, do adapt their culture, make some necessary adjustments, Insha Allah, u'll receive a reciprocal behavior from ur in laws, coz they'll recognize u that u have adopted their culture and they shud treat u same.

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Cultures that have no Islamic basis are obviously not bound as per sharia to be obeyed. There is no where in sharia that states: women must dress in the shalwar kameez. The sister is bound by sharia to observe a modest form of dress. As long as she is observing her hijab then she IS being obedient.

However sister, culture is extremely important to many people, even when certain practices have no islamic basis. This is not going to change. But if you do compromise and put effort into fitting in more with your husband's cultures for the sake of keeping the peace and strengthening family ties, then this will be regarded as part of your extra excellency and you will be rewarded for it (As long as that particular culture is not actually unislamic).

Some styles of shalwar kameez are really beautiful, but too flashy for hijab in my humble opinion. Perhaps you could agree to wear the more looser and plainer types if you don't want to be too colourful, on some occasions? These types can make quite appropraite hijab. But no, you are not required to become pakistani under sharia law LOL. Your husband and his family should respect that you are from another ethinc background and not pressure you into things you are uncomfortable with. If you could politely make them see that, then great! Otherwise the compromises may have to come from you if they insist on imposing their cultures upon you.

Edited by keys2paradise
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There is no where in sharia that states: women must dress in the shalwar kameez.

(bismillah)

Is shalwar qameez un Islamic? the word "satar poshi" is used, if a jeans does it, its OK.In Iran, mostly gals wear jeans under a long gown. Problem is not wearing a particular dress or not, its a matter of adaptability of culture. If her in laws follow un Islamic culture, she is not bound to do that, only thing is difference in cultures

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(bismillah)

I might see a presence of "Ego" from both sides(may be i m wrong), which is dangerous thing. If our sis leave it for the sake of her married life, i can expect same from her in laws. One must has to take initiatives. If u call it compromise, u can, but if it is a cost of a happy satisfied future life, i think it shud be born.

Edited by rizvithegreat
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