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In the Name of God بسم الله

newly married & problems

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i am just really scared to be honest. hes a nice guy... he got very close to my family.. they all got to know him very well.. otherwise parents wouldnt have allowed me to get married to him.. he came over every weekends.. i have 4 bros they all liked him.. family approved and thats when thigns happend.. but now thigns totaly changed. it wasnt expected at all. it jus changed. nothign liek he was before. hes family make him do things.. they dont see that hes married and has a wife... he works long hrs every day he comes home.. i expect him to spend time with me.. and hes family would be liek do this do that.. go out and get this.. need help with that.. and im left aside and they make him busy by making him do things.. its not on. parents cant start controlling a married coupels life!!! its pathetic.

it was my birthday on the 22nd march. so he took me dubai for the wekeends and it was the blast. so he is the nicest guy on earth. but then its liek it was my bd.. it was 1 off.. now back to normal. hes into cricket, so he goes to cricket practise every sunday.. and in the summer he will be playing for his team. and on top of that.. he needs his mates.. its what he calls " us mens need manly time" and he works every day. its sad. and when i try saying anything.. he feels im controlling him and that drifts him apart from me.

anyways... i recite ziarate ashura everyday.... my dadi told me to do that.. so i've started.

i just hope it works out. because im geting very depressed. and its leading to me wanting to go back to my family.

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i am just really scared to be honest. hes a nice guy... he got very close to my family.. they all got to know him very well.. otherwise parents wouldnt have allowed me to get married to him.. he came over every weekends.. i have 4 bros they all liked him.. family approved and thats when thigns happend.. but now thigns totaly changed. it wasnt expected at all. it jus changed. nothign liek he was before. hes family make him do things.. they dont see that hes married and has a wife... he works long hrs every day he comes home.. i expect him to spend time with me.. and hes family would be liek do this do that.. go out and get this.. need help with that.. and im left aside and they make him busy by making him do things.. its not on. parents cant start controlling a married coupels life!!! its pathetic.

it was my birthday on the 22nd march. so he took me dubai for the wekeends and it was the blast. so he is the nicest guy on earth. but then its liek it was my bd.. it was 1 off.. now back to normal. hes into cricket, so he goes to cricket practise every sunday.. and in the summer he will be playing for his team. and on top of that.. he needs his mates.. its what he calls " us mens need manly time" and he works every day. its sad. and when i try saying anything.. he feels im controlling him and that drifts him apart from me.

anyways... i recite ziarate ashura everyday.... my dadi told me to do that.. so i've started.

i just hope it works out. because im geting very depressed. and its leading to me wanting to go back to my family.

Sis, all i can say is just hang in there and it'll pass...if u say he's a nice guy, he'll realize his mistake. I wish I could give u more consoling words, but I am running outta them. His eyes will open to the truth one day Inshallah...

Edited by Dew-Drop
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Salaams,

I totally sympathize with you and looks like you have been given loads of advice, so I am not going to bore you with mine. I recently got married as well and to a paki but at least his friends gave him space and moreover he is a very private person and his best friend is doing his residency and is very busy so I guess I lucked out.

I also think my hubby spend more time with me because he knew I was just going to be there for 3 months before I flew back to the states (our wedding took place in Pakistan). I honestly don't know what to say....I guess it's a cultural thing in Pakistan...maybe??? Let's just say paki men are very controlling and conservative (though not all :) )

I just hope things work out for you :)

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(salam)

Although I think you should try to fix the problem (maybe try talking to his friends or their wives?), it might also be useful to think about the possibility of him never becoming any better, think ahead, get used to it, find other valuable things to do and try to grow independent of his attention. Adapt to your new environment, it might be better for your future.

Edited by Salaam
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(salam)

If I were you in this situation, I would be reluctant to involve other people into this issue until you have tried other ways. I wouldn't go complaining to your parents about your husband when they are miles away from you, it will only worry and sadden them. I'm of the opinion you should keep your personal life private unless things really are in a bad way and you don't know what else to do.

Your complaint is entirely fixable provided you are able to get into a habit of communicating with each other. I would try to get him at a time when he is relaxed and in a good mood and strike up a conversation of what you both expect in a marriage. Try and get him to talk about what he wants in a wife and explain what you want in a husband. Then you should be able to see where compromises need to be made to keep both of you happy. I hope more people have these conversations before getting married - I suspect many still don't. These things are not just fixable, but avoidable too before marriage takes place.

I hope you can get him to open up and compromise inshallah, if it is as you say then i can understand your frustrations.

Edited by keys2paradise
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(salam)

If I were you in this situation, I would be reluctant to involve other people into this issue until you have tried other ways. I wouldn't go complaining to your parents about your husband when they are miles away from you, it will only worry and sadden them. I'm of the opinion you should keep your personal life private unless things really are in a bad way and you don't know what else to do.

Your complaint is entirely fixable provided you are able to get into a habit of communicating with each other. I would try to get him at a time when he is relaxed and in a good mood and strike up a conversation of what you both expect in a marriage. Try and get him to talk about what he wants in a wife and explain what you want in a husband. Then you should be able to see where compromises need to be made to keep both of you happy. I hope more people have these conversations before getting married - I suspect many still don't. These things are not just fixable, but avoidable too before marriage takes place.

I hope you can get him to open up and compromise inshallah, if it is as you say then i can understand your frustrations.

salam

you know.. i am one of those who do not like to open up and talk about these thigns to my family.. because i understand the grief that would arise within them specially the fact we as a family are sooo tightly close to each other. also the fact i am the only girl and the only daughter. i have 4 brothers and they are overly protective. I have been keeping this hidden.. but then i came to a point where i didnt know what to do and how to do what etc etc thats when i blabbed everything out to my mum which was online and she called me back. again i knew she would as this is seen extremmely wrong from where we're coming from.

i try my level best to communicate to him. i talk to him i try and make him talk to me.. but as soon as i say that i dont feel what hes doing is right in my eyes thats it.. full stop. he comments and shuts me up. so theres no way i can even elaborate or make him understand where i am coming from. if he lsitened to me and tried to compormise then yes.. thigns would be fine.. as i know hws puting an effort listening to me and i would do the same. but anything i say which he does not want to listen to or even try and understand.. its the end.

i know what he wants.. he wnats to do what he wants again full stop. he works monday-friday from early morning to late evenings... in these working hrs he does mention he enjoys his work,, anyways he sees his work mates all the time. once he's home.. we have literally less or max 3 hrs with each other... again im not right in his face..i give him time and space and thats it.. and in these less then 3 hrs that we have.. he has his mates txting him and caling him.. so im just sitting aside.. then comes fridays sat and sunday.. sunday he goes to cricket.. its his hobby.. and the rest of the time again we have each other.. but when we're togetehr i realise hes continously on his phone texting away to his mates.. which frustrates me alot. i tried saying that to him in a nicest way as possible and he said.." i got social life" so again i cannot say anything.

anything i try and say he says im controlling him. controlling is when i say dont do this and do that... come here.. go there.. i do not do such a thing. all i said to him once was dont go out with your friends... spend time with me... he found that very controlling.. you can imagine how i feel.. from where im coming from.. husbands are soo loving to their wives.. they look forward to spedning time with them and just being there with each other the fact they have spent all week working hard. and he found me being controling... it shows how much he enjoys with his mates then with me.

now its like... he would come from work.. hes with his phone continously.. i dont say a thing... but iv just been brought up in a way that ive seen all my brothers come home from work.. and they leave their phones in their rooms or watver.. and theyr around doing whatever with their wives.. no1 should interfere as you got other part of life as well which is family life.

but hes got his mobile phone in his pocket 24/7. theres not a chance he leaves it anywhere .. any msgs he recieved.. he's got to reply..any calls he's got to answer.. theres a limit to it.. i think.

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:D I think his phone needs to accidentally get lost or broken for a few days, and during that time he needs to have a wonderful fun time at with you. Maybe that would break the texting addiction at least.

(Be careful with arranging the accident, though. If he thinks it was on purpose it will make him very angry and you will lose his trust. You may also see if you can talk with someone who has influence over one or more of his friends and get them to convince him that he has a great new wife and he needs to spend some time with her. (Careful with that one too. Don't complain or accuse, just wistfully sigh that you know how much he loves his friends, but you wish he spent more time with you.))

you know... there was once a time.. something ws wrong with his sim card... and he spent hrs and hrs.. calling customer service and stuff.. to get it fixed... so its impossible. he will end up spending the less time that he has trying to fix his phone. its really pathetic. and people say to me try talking to his friends... theres no way i can talk to his friends.. his friends are his influence.. they know hes married they know he has a wife.. and they still barge into his outside of work life... regardless.. my brothers who said to me.. once youre home.. no1 should be calling you or watever.. this is the time i was at uni. you chat to everyone at uni.. once outside of uni and at home.. you;re with family... and i learnt it from there.

he coming home from work on a friday.. knowin i been home all day and hes single mate would call him out to play pool.. cant the friend see he has a wife? and hes still asking him to go out. and the sad thign is my husband wants to. he wants to go out.. i even said if you wana play pool.. i used to be a fan of pool the time at college.. lets go out and play pool.. only difference would be.. hes with his wife not friend. he would leave at 8 not forgeting the fact hes just arrived form work at 6 and would come back at 11.45 or 12.

and few other mates who are married and have kids.. they leave their wives and kids at home and go out with friends.... is this seen as a right thign to do??? should a maried husband leave his own family and go out socialising with his boy mates?

so talking to them is not going to change.. its all coming from them.. secondly.. these friends of his are im afraid to say sunni's im not agaisnt sunnis' but sunnis lifes arent liek shias...

theyr all sunni's.

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Sounds like a cultural difference to me. You were raised in a very family oriented environment, and he was not. This issue will require compromise and understanding from both of you, but as long as he feels that he's not doing anything wrong there isn't much you can do. Pretty sure complaining to him will only distance him more. He will feel like you are nagging.

yes i know.. and to be honest im spitting everything out here... iv not brought up the topic with him much.. only few times.. and i gave up as i said he shuts me up. its feeling very controlling.. but liek he says he needs his manly time. he gets the manly time evry day. and when he goes to his cricket.. we spend the litttleest time with each other.. and he says he needs manly time.. it makes me think im on his face.. and have chained him into my legs whateevr i do hes got to be there.. but its not even liek that. the very little time he has with me.. and soooo much time with his mates he still needs manly time.. the question in my mind arises " why did he wnat to get married" he obv knows the importance of marriage and the fact its 2nd half of the religion but surely does not know the importance of after marriage"

you know i came to a point where i did soooo much research and this is what i found.. its written by an Ayatullah called Amini

Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics

by

Ayatullah Ibrahim Amini

An unmarried man is free to spend his time. but once married, he must alter his program. He cannot stay out for any length of time that he desires He should inform his wife of his whereabouts, etc. He must not forget that his wife stays at home all the day, cleans the house, washes the dishes, and cooks. She waits for him to return home as soon as his work is finished, to see him, talk to him, and to enjoy his company. The children look forward to seeing their father too. It is not fair that a man should leave his family at home and pursue his enjoyment somewhere else.

Marriage is not only providing food and clothes for one's family. A woman is her husband's partner and not a servant. She is not there to work all the day and get fed in return, but rather she hopes to have a permanent friend and partner.

Some men are truly unfair, unjust, and foolish. They leave their wives and children at home and spend their nights somewhere else. The money that they should spend at home for the family, they waste at other places. Such men have not yet understood the meaning of love and affection and regard their cheap and filthy enjoyments as a way of good living. They overlook the fact that they would degrade themselves through such deeds. Others would recognize them as silly and impudent.

These men are the causes of the unhappiness of themselves and their families. Their acts drive their wives to seek a divorce from them.

"A man who had divorced his wife, said in the court: 'At the beginning of my marriage, I had certain friends that I used to go out with, while leaving my wife behind..., and I used to return home in the early hours of the morning, My wife, who was fed up with this situation, obtained a divorce. We had ten children, whom I was supposed to meet twice a month. Some time passed like this. But it is quite some time now that my children are in hiding and I am desperate to see my children',"[236]

"A woman said: 'I am frustrated with loneliness. My husband does not care about me at all. Every night for his own enjoyment he is out until the early hours of the morning '."[237]

Dear sir! you are now married. You should not act like a bachelor. You are responsible for your wife and the children. Do not associate with unworthy friends. Return home as soon as you finish your work. Enjoy a family life and be a good company for your wife and the children. Even if your nightly amusements are not wrong they can be nevertheless harmful to you and your married life.

REFERENCES

[236] Ittela'at, 11th Tir, 1349 Solar Hijri.

[237] "Wa Nami Danand Chara" (..And They Do Not Know, Why?") p, 138.

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Hey I am also originally from Dar but settled here in States, maybe I know you? ;) Once I get to 50 posts then maybe we can talk via PM :)

Your parents sound very much like mine, over protective and they are right in their own place... I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like a control freak to me...dont tell me to do this and that, don't tell me I am wrong, don't complain about my crazy behaviour and even if I bully u, don't complain... thank god I am not married to a paki (no offense ;))

I am praying for u and will advise u the same... hope things work out for u coz at this point I am also getting angry...I just dunno how u put up with it! And the sad thing is, his parents don't find him doing nuthin wrong and that's pathetic :mad:

You're trying to give advice and then you say something like this. I hope you don't think that every Pakistani male is like this.

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You're trying to give advice and then you say something like this. I hope you don't think that every Pakistani male is like this.

well no... not all pakistani's are liek this... i have friends who are married to pakistani's and they've not had this problem... its the fact my hubby hangs out with sunni's thats what it is.

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well sister sa110..if u want a different new advice..then try IGNORING HIM.. :)

i suppose ur doing watever he wants...u r there for him in everything..and this is wrong kinda..!in ur situation at least.

u know..some men dont grow mature unless u teach them some life lessons..a man is like a child..u make the man u want out of this child :squeez:

u just try to ignore him...not talk to him all the time(coz u seem to be very talkative mashaallah)lol..and this is wat guys hate most in a woman i think :unsure: but DO NOT be rude to him!!see??i mean ignore him most of the time (esp. at nights) -_- but at the same time try to get him closer to u..seduce him in ur own ways..attract him to ur world..give him reasons to spend more time with U.

hope my advice will be usefull for u sis..tc and goodluk ^_^

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WA wr wb...

Sunnis aren't the problem. Sunnis can also be religious, according to their own texts. Sister sa110, mashaAllah you seem to be keeping sabr a lot. I know naturally it would bother a female to have him outdoors almost all the time during his free times. Since you say he will go play cricket on sunday, try to compromise 1 day of the weekend for both of you guys, if 1 day is too much for him to give you then ask him for few hours on his day off. It seems to me you want to go outdoors with him since while he is home with you during the weekdays it's not enough, which is understandable since it's only 3 hours or so while he is awake. About the texting, don't let that bother you. Try to work in more time for you since from you side of the story it seems he has priorities mixed up. InshaAllah this will fix, but for some people you have to change slowly but surely and with the conversation with his dad it seems it may have been a normal thing in their family to stay outdoors late. I read a hadith that says something like don't stay out to late because different beings are out at these times, maybe meaning jinns, devils, etc. Now, of course it's a big difference if you go out to majlis or masjid or meet to teach quran or discuss religion but casual fun at those time i wouldn't recommend, but thats just me. Anyways, try slowly to work some religiousness into the home and inshaAllah things will be easier.

Edit: if you have any muslim female friends around the area you can see if they can come over to keep your mind off your worries. Also, I wanted to add that you said your not exactly the stay at home type of wife or something similar to these words...so before marrying him you should've known if he was religious or not and if not you should've known to what extent he isn't religious because surely when both husband and wife wants to go out a lot it's going to be static once 1 has to stay home alone majority of the time.

Edited by gogiison2
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well sister sa110..if u want a different new advice..then try IGNORING HIM.. :)

i suppose ur doing watever he wants...u r there for him in everything..and this is wrong kinda..!in ur situation at least.

u know..some men dont grow mature unless u teach them some life lessons..a man is like a child..u make the man u want out of this child :squeez:

u just try to ignore him...not talk to him all the time(coz u seem to be very talkative mashaallah)lol..and this is wat guys hate most in a woman i think :unsure: but DO NOT be rude to him!!see??i mean ignore him most of the time (esp. at nights) -_- but at the same time try to get him closer to u..seduce him in ur own ways..attract him to ur world..give him reasons to spend more time with U.

hope my advice will be usefull for u sis..tc and goodluk ^_^

oh i've tried that... ignoring him... and he said he hates all ppl who have a grumpy face or being moody.. so me ignoring him makes him wana stay out and not be with me.. i wasnt grumpy.. i wasnt moody.. i was just ignoring him the fact he ditched me and stayed out with his friends for loong hrs.. knowin we arent togetehr much.

so again.. this didnt really work either. its why i say im hanging in the middle.. nothign seems to work.. loll..

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oh i've tried that... ignoring him... and he said he hates all ppl who have a grumpy face or being moody.. so me ignoring him makes him wana stay out and not be with me.. i wasnt grumpy.. i wasnt moody.. i was just ignoring him the fact he ditched me and stayed out with his friends for loong hrs.. knowin we arent togetehr much.

so again.. this didnt really work either. its why i say im hanging in the middle.. nothign seems to work.. loll..

:!!!:

oh man!!then just GET RID OF HIM :wacko: he isnt worth any of ur trials to fix ur relationship :unsure:

hey just curious to know..ur 22 as u mentioned,how old is HE??? :dry:

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(wasalam)

I'm very confused. Everyone seems to be distinguishing friends from family, but friends are an integral part of family. I didn't have a brother growing up so my group of friends became my brothers. Family isn't confined to petty blood relations.

Your husband wants to enjoy life with his buddies. Why don't you find something productive to do? Maybe get a job or goto school? Your life shouldn't be your husband.

-jM

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Salaam. Okay, given the advice being said to this sister, I had to say something.

1) Sis, marriage takes TIME! You say yourself that you are a newlywed- that means that you guys still have not had a chance to really settle into married life. These things take time! Please be patient. I know it's hard at first, but honestly, there are women out there who live in fear of their husbands and/or are forced to work because their husbands refuse to provide enough for their sustenance. Marriage takes work, and sometimes newly weds go through an adjustment period (that lasts about 1 year) where they get used to the other person.

2) I know you say that you have tried and talk to your husband calmly, but you seem to get upset easily just by reading your posts. Sit down and start talking about general things in marriage: what you want to be able to do for the other, things to spice up the marriage, where you see yourselves in 5 years, etc. Get talking and communicating, and NOT just about your problems. Talk to each other about married life and what you want to do.

3) Try and get out and meet people. His friend who had the birthday party for his daughter... does he have a wife? Could you be introduced to her? Can you guys do things as a couple? Go to a masjid somewhere and meet people... be friends and socialize with other women. That way, you can also go out and have fun when he is gone with his friends.

Sis, be patient. There are a million things that can go wrong in a marriage- you have to be a little optimistic and look for creative ways to make things work. It will be good insha'Allah. To those who are telling her that her husband is awful, etc.... you are not fully informed of the situation and keep in mind that they are NEWLYWEDS... they will need time to figure things out!

Wasalaam

Edited by Path2Felicity
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sis im female yes.. lolll... im 22 and hes 24...

lol ok.

well obviously ur both stil young...and kids in his age usually love to hang out with friends most of the time :lol:

so just wait a couple of yrs and he will grow up and realize his mistakes. :wacko: may god help u sis :Hijabi:

peaCe :yaali:

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Your husband has to set his priorities straight, a woman needs attention and a companion, its easy for him because all he wants is to quench his desire. His been very selfish and you should tell him he must dedicate atleast 1 day from the week just for you and him and no one else.

Do you speak with his mother? or father? is he close to his parents? if so you should talk to his father and explain your situation because he has no right to push you aside for his friends, he shouldnt have married you in the first place.

until then try to pick up a hobby or try do what he does to you to make him understand what your going through.

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Thanks to all those who are advising me.. i truly do appreciate and my aim was to use what some of you might come up with... and try giving myself inner-piece..

those of you who tell me to go out with my firends.. and do something... ofcourse thats the basic thing anyone could come up with.. even i would have said.. but to conclude on that.. the area i live in is outside of london... i have loads of friends.. and theyr scattered all over london... at the moment im learning how to drive... and if i need to go london.. it means passing the motorway.. so its impossible at this very moment.. and hes lucky he has everyone around the corner to him... 2ndly... my friends those who are single.. they work and or study ... and those who are married... they work or study durin the week and they use the opportunity of weekend to spend time and do whatever.. with their husbands. we do talk to each other on the phones.. but they're all in my category of where im coming from.. they dont call me at night times after 6 onwards..knowin that im with my husband... etc etc.. and i dont call them at the time.. knwoin they're with their husbands.. its just how it is.. but with me its totaly different.. he has everyone calling him and texting him and everything.. and its a must for him to answer.. to every calls and every txts unfortunately. anyways .. but im living.. im just geting highly involved with my own family.. i mean not talking to them about my problems.. but jsut what theyr up to and hows it going out there in tanzania.. and my bro went there for a holiday and luckily found a beautifull girl .. and they're geting engaged this sat.. so theres happiness from my side of the family alhamdullilah.

im a graphic designer.. so all those who need anything.. do give a shout.

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salam

lol free graphic designer or do you charge? what do you design? :)

well firstly.. im a graduate in graphic design..and my passion is graphic designing.. so im a freelancer.. i work on projects for people..

i have been doing thigns for people for free... but now this world has become very cruel.. so i now charge people as its my profession.. its tough to find a job.. so im using this graphic desinging as my living.

I hope it makes sence....

i do all sorts.. i design.. advertising posters... business cards.. logo's invitation cards... menu's

i do custom design such as CD/DVD print designs.. and i also do CD/DVD casing designs.. so its a package sort of thing.. at the moment im only working with designs.. and so i do not do prints.. isnhallah in the future i shall have the facility and will be able to print.

im working on my web for now.. once itll be up and live ill post the add.. so you can all have a look at my portfolio.

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You're trying to give advice and then you say something like this. I hope you don't think that every Pakistani male is like this.

I am sorry if that's what you made out of my post, I clearly did not mean bad-- hence the no offense!

Anyhow, to make it clear, I clearly did not mean ALL paki men are like that, the OP said that she's seen most paki men do that, so I feel bad for her...Sorry once again Gogiison2, it seems like I hurt your feelings and/or anyone else-- I honestly didn't mean to.

May Allah forgive me! :)

Edited by Dew-Drop
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Salam Alaikum sisters

I need advices from you all.

I have just recently married, and its been few months now.

My husband is a lovely man and does thigns according to his feelings, however, i am feeling extremely hurt when he talks about his friends in such a way that they're extrme important to him. His friends have done a lot for him till now.. that whenever they come up with a plan or anything.. this means he has to be there with them to show appreciation. And he has said that its something i would never understand and this is something that has to take place. its his responcibility. cannot say no. its a duty sort of thing.

he finds it normal to leave me home and go out with his friends and socialise ..with majority who are single and unmarried and some who are married and also have kids. He is a pakistani and i am a khoja. I have tried telling him and he says he feels im controlling him.

is it perfectly fine for a husband to do that? leave wife at home and go out with friends?

could anyone advice me plzz.

Firstly Sister Sa110 your situation is just so similar to mine when i first got married to my hubby in Pakistan i was brought up in England from the age of 3yrs old.

Please Please Please whatever you do in trying to sort this situation out whatever u do, DO NOT have children until you feel the situation to be resolved.

I was going through this and i was having to listen to the hurtful comments if and when i complained about the situation. I was made to feel like i was clingy and controlling and abit DOODAh in the head. He actually said the words that i was treating him like a dog and i had a dog collar around his neck.

When all i wanted was to be treated with love and respect as i had left my home to come and marry him and be with him. He also was allways out with his friends before marriage and his parents were too easy going with him never keeping an eye on what he was getting upto, with these 'friends'. Not telling him right from wrong.

I was in a strange country with no friends and only an aunt who i was close to from when i was a kid but it was looked down upon if i used to go and see my aunt or if i tried to form friendships with the girls closeby.

It was a no win situation for me.

In my situation i now realise that there was some emotional abuse going on as i began to change myself in order to please him and maybe then he will want to spend more time with me. I was pressured into getting preganant because he said he really "wanted a baby" (as he was only 20 this was a load of BS) in fact it was because he wanted to come to England.

Even though i had talked to him about babies b4 marriage and in quite a mature manner asked him what he wanted and he was happy to wait. But then all of a sudden he changed from what he was like b4 we got married into someone who did no seem to care much for me just his selfish self.

Im sorry if i seem to be moaning but that is what i went through and i really do not want any1 to look back 13 yrs down the line and regret doing what i did.

The people on here have said what i did giving the marriage time, telling him what u want, expect and feel hoping that he will then be able to fulfill those needs because i only had 1 husband not 2 .

I was 19 and my hubby was 20 when we got married. looking back i think that was abig mistake to get married so young bcos he was still an immature kid not experienced in life.

I was hoping he would grow up and realise that i was eventually going to be going back 2 England and not be with him forever. But the way he saw it was that he was eventually going to leave his friends and join me in uk forever thats why he was trying to be with his friends as much as possible. But his immaturity continued when he came here in that we were both working and i would leave b4 he woke up and would see him for like an hour or so b4 i went to sleep bcos he came home at 10pm. mon-sat the only day we had was sundays to spend together just the 3 of us, i would arrange going shopping or out somewhere else. But noticed that he was not happy being with us and he also wanted to go out with his friends he had been at work with even on his day off.

I talked to his mum hoping she would be able to talk to him but that did not make him listen. But then again she could see what i was going through when i was living in their home, and she did nothing. for me that meant she agreed with it.

Eventually after being fed up with the situatuioon i took my son who was 18 mths and went to Pakistan only after i got there did i tell him over the phone the real reason why i upped and left and i wasnt coming back and he can do what he wants cos im not going to be there to stop him. And how fed up of the situation i was , i told him not to ring me again. this was hard for me but i felt liberated and felt that i was takling control of the situation i also let his dad know the reason why i had suddenly just turned up in Pakistan who i think did say something to him bcos the next time i spoke to him he was crying and saying how sorry he was for everything and he realises his mistakes and will change his ways.

To some extent this did happen.

This does seem to be a cultural difference matter aswell and sorry to say but your hubby just like mine are a bunch of Chauvinistic and hypocritical p**s who have double standards and treat there wives like servants.

Maybe your hubby like mine does not want to be seen like he is under his wifes thumb.

I came across lectures by Sheikh Usama Abdulghani regarding marriage and just wished that these were available 13 yrs ago bcos this is something we could have benefited from.

There just does not seem to be anywhere we can get guidance from in order to leave happy and loving marriages.

Please put yourself first you are young and do what is best for YOU and only YOU.

Edited by paki
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^ that also reminds me, sister sa110, i also think you should wait on having kids before things get better before you burden yourself even more and God forbid if something does happen between you and your husband you don't want the innocent child to suffer so best to be prepared before bringing another child into this world even though believe me i know how tempting it is to want to have your first child and calling a baby yours.

I myself am kind of going through a situation with soon to be ex spouse as well, although different from your stories but i don't know maybe i will share it w/ public or maybe I won't Allah knows best, or maybe i will share if it has any relevance in helping others but with anonymity. Something bothers me about mildly ranting using peoples names unless of course i think (s)he will directly come into contact w/ the same people thus saving them from the troubles that should be known.

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salam

yes.. i am aware about not having a child... he seems to be talking about having one.. i just ignore the whole concept.. because first of all..... once we've had a child.. he will go back to what he is now! i hardly get any time with him... and it iwll be the smae with the child.. its not really fair.

secondly... hes mates leave their wives and kids at home and go out means that my hubby woudl do the same as he sees them and he sees what they do. again.. im not up for this.

so i will wait for a later stage. and see inshallah.

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One thing you could try is very calmly and nicely making your own plans on a regular schedule at least 3 days in advance and absolutely sticking to it.

He feels ok leaving you sitting around at home because he knows u will be there when he gets back from his single friends. Dont nag him. Once you get your own life and start prioritizing your own activities he will be adequately shell shocked and come running after you. Notice, that IF YOU ACT CLINGY HE WILL RUN. He will avoid your clinginess by running to his immature single friends.

If he feels he has to work for your attention, he will appreciate you more.....and you will be happier.

Edited by Kaniz-e-Fatima Shiapower
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One thing you could try is very calmly and nicely making your own plans on a regular schedule at least 3 days in advance and absolutely sticking to it.

He feels ok leaving you sitting around at home because he knows u will be there when he gets back from his single friends. Dont nag him. Once you get your own life and start prioritizing your own activities he will be adequately shell shocked and come running after you. Notice, that IF YOU ACT CLINGY HE WILL RUN. He will avoid your clinginess by running to his immature single friends.

If he feels he has to work for your attention, he will appreciate you more.....and you will be happier.

I've never acted clingy .... i have actually given him the whole of monday-friday ... to himself.. once he steps his foot in the room.. i say salaam.. and how was your day etc etc.. and thats is it.. i ask if he wants anything.. a drink or anything... and i do according.. after that.. i leave him to it. im not on his back or anything.. i go back to what i have been doing during the day and he just relaxes... like i had mentionsd i give him the space and time.

but then i ask for only the 2 days that he has off.. "weekends" and in the weekends he's busy with his hobby. cricket.

how can the 2 days be enough time spending with a wife? its a wife.. i mean... theres no time limits to it. from where im coming from.. even if you spend the whole week with a wife.. its not enough... but obv living here in the UK its impossible to be spending with a wife as men work and all that.

with him.. if he spends a day with me.. he will be like .. i spent a day with you. its liek.. hes done a big big thing .. you know.. spending a day with me. i find it ridduculous.

just last night he was talking to me..... and he goes to me.. my mates were like.. lets do cricket practises every sat and sun.... and hes like.. i said naa.. cause my wife will kill me... so im like.. irght.. your whole weeknd is being occupied with your cricket. and he goes to me.. but i said no... to them anyways.

it just makes me think... some of his mates are married have a wife and kids.. they work the whole week.. and the 2 days they have they want to occupy themselves with cricket.. do they not have any family time? i dont get it.

also... my hubby goes to me.. i need support from you.. i want you to support me.. i said i do support you in many way but you dont see it and he goes to me.. no not the wife support.. i want you to support me playin my cricket... be happy that i play it and support me.

i dont mind supporting him.. but then that does not mean he should play cricket everytime...im not into sports.. and he wants me to be one of those crazy sport supporters... him spending his weekends playing cricket ... its just.. i have given up.. i feel like going back form where i have come from.. honestly speaking... i think thats whats goign to happen.. imbeing ptient sooo... but there will be a day where i will turn around and say im out.. i dont deserve this im young. he also said im young man and i want to play. so im thinking right.. if you're young and if you wanted to do all these thigns... why even get married????????? marriage is not so you can walk around and say to everyone i have a wife!!!!! thats not marriage.

if hes a young man wanting to play cricket.. then am i an old women??? anyways...

i also asked him before we got married all the importance of his religon and i was happy.. as we are very religious my family... and i have noticed.. the days he comes home really late from work he'd be tired he misses his prayers.... and when i tell him to pray he would be like my mind is not in the state of mood.. im too tired... praying is communicating to god.. i cant communicate like this... and its really hitting me.. because from where im coming from.. missing prayers does not exist.. its really a sin as it is wajib.. and he dont feel a thign about missing his prayers.. but he will have the time to go outside and smoke...

i feel liek im drifitng.. slowly.

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salam

As i had mentioned in my previous post.. that my hubby was asked to play on both sat and sun and he told them he cannot sat as i would kill him...

last night he came back from work and he asked me if his older bro.. (my bro in law) spoke to me... so i said why would he want to speak to me and about what?

so he goes to me i told him i cannot play on sat as its only day for time spending... and his bro said to him i will speak to your wife.. so thats why he asked.. and i said no.. he hasnt spoken to me..

brothers and sisters in islam... this is becomgin tooo frusttrating for me... liek i had said.. i have let him to do what he wants during the week.. but have the weekends togetehr ..... as thats what most married couples do.. he now has said to me.. to come up with plans and or anythign i want to do during the week and so he can have the sat and sun for his cricket...this is not fair on me at all..

my weekends are what i look forward to.. id rather not do anythign during the week but do all in the weekends... am i worng in the way i think?

i feel hes become very selfish. its getign worse day by day.

a wife who only wnts weekends... he cannot give them to me.. and i watch all my brothers who are my example.. and my close friends again my example.. they spend weekends togetehr wit their husbands and wifes.. as they been busy and seperated during the week.

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Your husband needs to grow up. He's a married man, not one of the single boys. Of course he can hang out with his mates every so often, but not to the extent he's taking it. Suggest marriage counselling in a nice way if he continues to ignore your concerns (i hope he doesnt view it as a taboo).

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Your husband needs to grow up. He's a married man, not one of the single boys. Of course he can hang out with his mates every so often, but not to the extent he's taking it. Suggest marriage counselling in a nice way if he continues to ignore your concerns (i hope he doesnt view it as a taboo).

friends was an issue.. but at the moment its not just his friends.. but its his cricket hobby. he plays for his team.. at the moment its just practises... but once summer is here.. he will be playing for his team starting from 12 in the morning till 5-6 sometimes 8.. he has said.. and this will be every saturday. so the whole of saturday is gone on his game. they play agaisnt teams.. but now its jsut pracitises... it was on sunday at first now.. its on both the days... and his boys want him to play... and his older bro who is supporting him.. by saying to him.. "i will speak to your wife" i really dont understand.

do they not know the understanding of marriage? is it somethign so you can run around and say you have a wife!!

i had a great hope of my marriage... i have been doign everthing i have been taught by my family.. and its all like coming back into my face. I am being a lovely wife to him.. not being clingy at all.. and he turns around saying i dont want your wife support i want you to support me with my cricket playing just like the way i support manchester. so he wants me to be happy and say yea go play cricket.. and hope you win.. etc etc.. when weekends are the only days.. for the both of us. its all occupied with him.. this cricket is interfering with my life..

i am afraid to say... but i just had a chat to my bro saying if its ok if i go to london every friday and come back liek monday... i enjoy more with them.. they treat me liek a sister... and my husband can do what he likes.. as i am not being treated liek a wife.

sometimes.. theres nothign that you can do and it tends to be boring but that doesnt mean that if thats the case you go and do what you want. sometimes theres nothign we can do.. and if the opportunity of him playing cricket comes about he would wana go.. cause theres nothign to do.

i never knew his life would be all planned and organised.. and that he would want to go and do everything... it does not even look like he cares about me.. or even thinks about me.. if he did.. then he would have the weekends off.. and we could have been doing things togetehr..

i and my family have never been into sports... and he turns around sayin "well get into it" .... just because i have complained saying his wekends are being occupied with his cricket.. he has truned around saying well come and watch us play... so he wants me to sit and wtach them play... which lasts for hrs and hrs... a girl age of 22 whose not into sports... go and watch a bunch of guys play cricket...

its nothign but jibrish

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Dar Sis - I don't know if you realize it but you keep repeating yourself. You seem to have developed a mantra - mantras are not always soothing when they reinforce the negative!! You need to do something other than just complain and talk about leaving. If you keep doing the same thing nothing will change.

1. Your husband is asking you to come and watch him play cricket. Meet him halfway - watch him play at least half of the time. if you support his activity - you will have something to talk to him about and also you can see why he likes it so much. Why cant you do that at least sometimes - maybe you will meet some wives there and make a new friend. Maybe you will see what he likes about it so much. Sports usually have social activities attached to them and there must be a few wives in the same situation as you and have get togethers as well. (and this is coming from someone who has no idea of the game of cricket - but I would try and figure the game out)

2. I dont want to sound mean - but get a life. Get a job, develop a hobby - do something that you can feel good about and have something to talk about with your husband. Sitting at home and waiting for someone to come home and entertain you is going to lead to disappointment. You already have found this out.

3. You cant change people, you can only change yourself. You need to change what you are doing, change how you react to his behaviour, change your thinking around this, etc.

He is not going to change his cricket activity, his family is not going to change their "culture" around this, etc. Accept this.

4. Yep - he sounds young and immature because he is not dealing with something in his marriage that needs to be dealt with - he is choosing to escape from the situation. He needs to grow up and develop his marriage not just his personal interests. But if you dont change, he will use the same methods that he is using now as they are working for him - in the short term anyway. The two of you are both participating in the same dance and you are going nowhere but in circles.

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