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nada1603

Asked to be a Surrogate Mother

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(salam)

So, I turned twenty-one yesterday and amongst receiving gifts - a friend of mine asked a gift off of me. She wants me to be the surrogate mother for her and her husband's child . She's had to terminate two pregnancies in the past because carrying the foetus would have put her life in danger. I have grown up with her and we are very close.

I really want to help her. And it is a massive decision, not to mention a great responsibility: carrying another person's child. I was searching the forums and I didn't find anything that said surrogacy is haram outright. Different marjah's have different fatwas on it.

I posted this in the sisters' forum because I want to hear opinions of mothers and future-mothers on what they think of the matter. I told my friend I need to think about it and she's given me until my graduation next year. She is in no hurry. I have no idea what my mum will think, her unmarried daughter becoming a surrogate mother for someone else's child >.> Think she might have a few words to say on that matter.

Any thoughts/opinions/suggestions/advice will be greatly appreciated.

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I don't know what Islam says about surrogacy, but I feel that if used, it should just be a last resort. There are fertility treatments that your friend should try first, and it sounds like she's around your age, so she still has a while left in which her situation can change. Even if Islam allows surrogate motherhood, you should consider your future: most Muslim guys will most likely be unwilling to marry you, and knowing our community, they will all think you got pregnant via premarital sex.

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I don't know what Islam says about surrogacy, but I feel that if used, it should just be a last resort. There are fertility treatments that your friend should try first, and it sounds like she's around your age, so she still has a while left in which her situation can change. Even if Islam allows surrogate motherhood, you should consider your future: most Muslim guys will most likely be unwilling to marry you, and knowing our community, they will all think you got pregnant via premarital sex.

They've spent almost a small fortune on IVF treatments. She's three years older than me. I don't think she would've asked me if there was a way she could bear the child herself - she's the sentimental sort. And I don't personally believe in marriage and I can't be a 100% sure but I think my views on marriage, and how I don't plan on getting married anytime during this life-time, play a major factor in her asking me of all people.

It's just a shock. More shocking is that I'm actually considering it too...

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What about adoption?

i personally believe that adoption is the best, cause im adopted too......Allah has blessed me with the best parents.....Inshallah one day i will adopt a child too and i think every couple should at least adopt one child

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Hope you are doing well. If you dont mind me asking what type of surrogacy is she asking for? Will the it be your genetic baby with the friend's husband or will you just be implanted with the embryo and only be the gestational carrier of thier biological child? I was just wondering because perhaps different laws of Sharia apply in each case. Its definatly a tough decision but If as you say you do not plan on getting married than I think you should consider doing it. Anyways best of luck.

Waslam

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Hope you are doing well. If you dont mind me asking what type of surrogacy is she asking for? Will the it be your genetic baby with the friend's husband or will you just be implanted with the embryo and only be the gestational carrier of thier biological child? I was just wondering because perhaps different laws of Sharia apply in each case. Its definatly a tough decision but If as you say you do not plan on getting married than I think you should consider doing it. Anyways best of luck.

Waslam

Salam

I would just be the carrier. So yes, it would be her egg and her husband's sperm and the embryo will be implanted. Her body is too weak to carry the child to term. I don't really know the specifics behind it to be honest. Her first pregnancy was a miscarriage and the second one had to be aborted because she wasn't strong enough to provide for an extra life, unfortunately.

Thanks for your advice :)

Wasalam.

i personally believe that adoption is the best, cause im adopted too......Allah has blessed me with the best parents.....Inshallah one day i will adopt a child too and i think every couple should at least adopt one child

I hope to adopt inshAllah. Always wanted to adopt a Chinese baby boy for some reason :/ I hope to travel around the world after my degree and do some voluntary work and maybe find a child through such a programe.

Edited by nada1603

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Guest Peace

BismillahirRahmanirRaheem

Aite sister - firstly you are verrrrry young and this is your close friend who is asking you - so two things already may factor in making you choose unwisely. Thirdly at this moment in time you do not want to get married - which I can understand but things may change later. I personally think May Allah swt forgive me if what ive said is wrong and may Allah swt guide you inspite of my advise - but this is a baaaaaaad baaaaaaad idea for you.

No offence but u sound naive and the fact that you have no idea what the surrogacy entails suggest that your not aware enough to go through with a decision like this. Firstly it could affect your reputation - there will be people who wud think you had slept around and had an illegitimate child and then gave it up - which would do neither you, your friend and especially the child any favours. No matter how you explain it - these suspicions may still linger in pple's mind. They would think the surrogacy is a cover up.

Secondly to carry in your womb for 9 months and then go through the hardship of labour - you havent even had one child yet so you cannot predict how you will feel. If you had 4 children and she wanted one then even then I would advise caution but thats a different kettle of fish - u wud be in a different emotional position. You are inexperienced and therefore may not be able to withstand such a trial.

Thirdly if you say yes then change your mind you would have broken 2 pple's hearts and that is a very very bad thing.

I have more reasons against but before I do let me tell you a case I know of personally and we suggested to her not to go ahead - she did - and then changed her mind. The impact of dissapointing 2 pple who wish for a child desparately - only God knows. Only He measures pple's pain. Dont allow yourself to cause this pain to yourself or other pple. Just fear Allah swt with respect to this. Because I dont know if u can handle such a responsibility.

Fourthly - your mother will kill you lol! Why hurt her.

There are other avenues for your friend.

Edited by Peace

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regarding surrogacy - if you're south asian, good luck. not to mention when your time for marriage will come up people will be asking A LOT of questions and wont look at the fact you simply wanted to help your friend. character will be judged, etc, etc.

brainstorm the issue with your friend, she will understand by seeing both pros and cons with you. she wont want to put u in a situation thats going to create long term problems for you.

What about adoption?

omg you have the same avatar i have on my profile here :P

Edited by GuCcI

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My first reaction when reading the OP was:

1) She is so young, and she may not realize how carrying a child will affect her life.

2) She will no doubt form a deep, emotional connection to the baby, and it may be really difficult for her to part after she carried the baby for 9 months and then gave birth to the child. She will also be the only one who can breastfeed the child of the three involved (obviously). It is a way they can become mahram, but at the end of the day, she will not be raising the child, and that can be emotionally draining.

After reading the rest of this thread... I'm a little concerned that everyone is worried about this girl's reputation. I understand that it is a reality, but if she is ever to get married, I would hope that nobody would just jump to conclusions about her chastity. She is not being unchaste. Maybe this is just difficult for me to understand... but I would have other concerns before I would even think of this.

Wasalaam

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After reading the rest of this thread... I'm a little concerned that everyone is worried about this girl's reputation. I understand that it is a reality, but if she is ever to get married, I would hope that nobody would just jump to conclusions about her chastity. She is not being unchaste. Maybe this is just difficult for me to understand... but I would have other concerns before I would even think of this.

i know, but realistically, even if a good brother overlooks this, what are the chances his immediate and extended family wont?

people talk SO MUCH. though some of us may not think this affects her reputation, we still need to let her know that in the real world, it still kind of does.

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i know, but realistically, even if a good brother overlooks this, what are the chances his immediate and extended family wont?

people talk SO MUCH. though some of us may not think this affects her reputation, we still need to let her know that in the real world, it still kind of does.

Yeah I guess it's a sad reality... disturbing.

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My first reaction when reading the OP was:

1) She is so young, and she may not realize how carrying a child will affect her life.

2) She will no doubt form a deep, emotional connection to the baby, and it may be really difficult for her to part after she carried the baby for 9 months and then gave birth to the child. She will also be the only one who can breastfeed the child of the three involved (obviously). It is a way they can become mahram, but at the end of the day, she will not be raising the child, and that can be emotionally draining.

After reading the rest of this thread... I'm a little concerned that everyone is worried about this girl's reputation. I understand that it is a reality, but if she is ever to get married, I would hope that nobody would just jump to conclusions about her chastity. She is not being unchaste. Maybe this is just difficult for me to understand... but I would have other concerns before I would even think of this.

Wasalaam

I rate it as best answer so far.

Just to add my two cents. After surrogacy she'd have to face all the allegations of unchastity and other hate-filled propaganda that people will unleash upon her. Doesn't matter which culture she comes from things are pretty much the same everywhere. There are only a few people who would put her surrogacy in context and understand the motives behind her decision. This is sad and unfortunate but true. Our obsession with issues around virginity coupled with Islamo-feudal/tribal cultural matrix is such a dangerous and unforgiving mix.

Personally speaking, I'd love to take a girl as bride who has helped someone in such a brave way. Good luck OP.

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2) She will no doubt form a deep, emotional connection to the baby, and it may be really difficult for her to part after she carried the baby for 9 months and then gave birth to the child. She will also be the only one who can breastfeed the child of the three involved (obviously). It is a way they can become mahram, but at the end of the day, she will not be raising the child, and that can be emotionally draining.

3, she my raise a confused child. "who is my mother?"

4, it may ruin her relationship with the couple

5, some maraja say it is haraam and caution may be better

6, her parents may go against her doing it

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5, some maraja say it is haraam and caution may be better

Which maraje say it is haraam?

In the book by Sayyed Muhammad Rizvi linked by sister Smiley, it says that as long as she marries the husband, it is permissible.

More than the shari'i ruling, what matters is the impact of this action which the sister should think it out thoroughly.

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I am pretty sure no modern day jurists consider the type of surrogacy that the sister mentioned as being haraam. This topic was discussed in detail in a contemporary fiqh class I attended and though she can do a temporay marriage that is not necessary since the child will have the egg and sperm from her friend and the friend's husband. The only thing that maraje say is haraam is if any of the procedures are performed in a haraam way ie a man doctor is used when a female doctor could be otherwise it is a legitimate option according to sharia. On the other hand adoption has no legal basis and this method is far superior from a legal perspective since there are no mehram issues and the friend not the carrier will be the biological mother. From an emotional perspective I am sure it will be a difficult process and the poster should weigh all the pros and cons before making any final decision.

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I am pretty sure no modern day jurists consider the type of surrogacy that the sister mentioned as being haraam. This topic was discussed in detail in a contemporary fiqh class I attended and though she can do a temporay marriage that is not necessary since the child will have the egg and sperm from her friend and the friend's husband.

The insertion of sperm of a ghayr is not permissible. I looked up the rulings of Sayyed Sistani and he says, surrogacy is permissible if the woman, who will carry the child, gets married to the husband. That's what Sayyed Muhammad Rizvi also states in his book.

Can you give any reference where any scholar has stated that it is permissible without marriage?

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The insertion of sperm of a ghayr is not permissible. I looked up the rulings of Sayyed Sistani and he says, surrogacy is permissible if the woman, who will carry the child, gets married to the husband. That's what Sayyed Muhammad Rizvi also states in his book.

Can you give any reference where any scholar has stated that it is permissible without marriage?

According to the scholar teaching the class Ayatollah Khamenei allows a lady to take a sperm donation from a man that she is not married too (the man must be known). His opinion is that sexual relations are what are haraam not getting sperm from someone. This opinion is shared by Ayatollah Sanei and Jannati as well. It was my understanding that if the biological parents mix their sperm and egg and then put that embryo in another's body there is no need for a marriage. Are you sure when it says insertion of sperm into a ghayr is not permissible that in this case it would mean the poster couldn't have her egg mixed with her friend's husbands sperm since they are not married. This questioned was posed to Ayatollah Makarem as well and this is his response on his website.

To Transfer the Embryo from One Uterus to another

Physicians are capable of taking embryo from disordered uterus of a woman that cannot keep that and put it in uterus of a healthy woman in order to grow in there until it is born naturally, please say that:

A) If second woman is wife of the first woman’s husband (that sperm belongs to one husband) then is it permissible to perform this act?

B) If second woman is stranger to the husband of the first woman then is this act permitted?

C) If there is any difference in this act before and after the entrance of soul then please tell the difference.

In all three conditions, it doesn’t have problem to transfer the embryo or fetus but it is only permitted in cases which there is a necessity because this act usually needs Haraam touch and sight.

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Just like to say: thanks to all the replies. I've certainly learnt a lot and in the next twelve months I will be doing some serious thinking.

I also wanted to mention that my friend and her husband aren't Muslims. They're a white, Christian couple. Does that make any difference to the rulings?

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Are you sure when it says insertion of sperm into a ghayr is not permissible that in this case it would mean the poster couldn't have her egg mixed with her friend's husbands sperm since they are not married.

This is what Sayyed Muhammad Rizvi says:

From the shari'ah point of view, surrogate motherhood as portrayed above is not allowed
because it involves the insertion of a sperm of another person into the woman's uterus
. This goes against the verse of the Qur'an which says that the believing women should guard their private parts except from their spouses.

This questioned was posed to Ayatollah Makarem as well and this is his response on his website.

To Transfer the Embryo from One Uterus to another

Physicians are capable of taking embryo from disordered uterus of a woman that cannot keep that and put it in uterus of a healthy woman in order to grow in there until it is born naturally, please say that:

A) If second woman is wife of the first woman’s husband (that sperm belongs to one husband) then is it permissible to perform this act?

B) If second woman is stranger to the husband of the first woman then is this act permitted?

C) If there is any difference in this act before and after the entrance of soul then please tell the difference.

In all three conditions, it doesn’t have problem to transfer the embryo or fetus but it is only permitted in cases which there is a necessity because this act usually needs Haraam touch and sight.

I tried to search for Sayyed Khamanei's fatwa online but unfortunately, couldn't find anything.

Sayyed Muhammad Rizvi:

There are, however, certain procedures in Islamic marriage system which would allow some form of surrogate motherhood. For example, if a woman is having problems in carrying her husband's child to its full term, then the husband may marry another woman (on a temporary or permanent basis) and then an ovum of the first wife fertilized by the husband's sperm can be injected into the womb of the second wife with her approval.

Just to clarify, I looked up Sayyed Sistani's website again and I got mixed up between artificial insemination and surrogacy - it says it's permissible without any mention of marriage:

Question: Sometimes the fertilized ovum of a woman is transplanted in the womb of another woman. Is this allowed? If pregnancy occurs, whose child will this foetus be considered?

Answer: There is no problem as long as the harãm touching and looking is not involved. And whether the genealogical mother of the child will be the genetic mother (who provided the ovum) or the biological mother (who carried the foetus in her womb), there are two views. Based on obligatory precaution, caution should be exercised in regard to both of them.

But just to be sure, I'll send him a question.

Sayyed Hakeem:

Q2: My husband and I are having fertility problems. There are many technologies available to help us have a child. Which technologies permitted in Islam-- egg donation? Embryo Donation, from one married couple to us? Sperm donation? If egg donation is permitted, does my husband need to have a mut'a marriage with an egg donor?

A: Based on compulsory precaution, it is not permissible to donate an egg and fertilize it using a sperm of a man without a religious marriage contract between him and the owner of the egg.

It is not permissible also based on compulsory precaution to donate a fertilized egg. If this occur, the embryo belongs to the man and woman who owns the egg and the sperm.

(Late) Ayat. Lankarani:

Artificial Insemination

Q1: A very hot topic today in the Western World is that of ‘surrogate mothers’ in which since the husband and wife can not have children, the husband’s sperm is fertilized with another woman’s egg and then implanted – either into the husband’s wife or in most cases into the other woman (who is a non-Mahram of the man). What is the ruling on this?

A1: If husband's sperm is fertilized with his wife's eggs and then placed in
her womb
, there is no problem.

Her womb here refers to the wife's womb?

I also wanted to mention that my friend and her husband aren't Muslims. They're a white, Christian couple. Does that make any difference to the rulings?

If the scholar you're following says, you have to get married before undergoing surrogacy, then yes it makes a difference, because according to Shi'i fiqh, a Shi'i woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim.

Edited by SpIzo

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well first HAPPY BIRTHDAY! inshallah u'll have an amazing year ahead :)

the best thing i to check with your merja because it could be different from one to another.. IVF is soooooooo hard.. I feel so sorry for them.. I'll keep her in my prayers for sure.. she can adopt.. I know her own child is different.. but we can't forget about the needy kids who need a loving parents to take care of him/her.. she'll have to check o the Islamic rules on that as well..

Also, is u r a surrogate mom.. it'll be like it's ur own baby.. it'll be hard for you to give him/her up.. of course it's better to have a person you trust carry your own child.. if it's Halal think about t more seriously.. coz u r still 21.. and getting pregnant will effect your body.. like u'll have stretch mark that may not go away.. think it threw.. make a list of all the advantages and the disadvantages..

GOOD LUCK! :D

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