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Guest Abdul_Wahab

How to deal with younger sister?

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Guest Abdul_Wahab

(bismillah)

(salam)

I have a problem with my younger sister listening to alot of haram types of music. She is very young. She is only 12. I have tried speaking to her about it many times but she will not listen. My parents are not very religous and they dont care that she listens to such things. They purchased her an Ipod and she uses this to listen to many types of haram music. She also uses this ipod to play this music in the house through speakers loudly.

I have tried many times to speak to her but she will not listen and gets angry and some times verbaly abusive. My parents always take her side as well when I try to tell them about how bad the negative effects of this are. They are culturaly religous but they dont practice many aspects of Islam.

I am very worried for my sister she is very young and this will have serious effects on her mind and soul. Also when she plays these types of music in the house it takes away the barakah of our home. It effects me, as the hadeeth says "Who ever plays sinful music in their home the angels of blessings will not visit that home for forty days."

I have tried talking to both my sister and my parents and nothing is working.

I am considering taking her ipod and breaking it, making it look like an accident or some thing.

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(bismillah)

(wasalam) I would not break her things - that will only turn her against you. Model Islamic behaviour. Dont nag at her or she will probably rebel. Spend time with her - each week at least, take her to do healthy things and show her that you can have fun in a halal way. It is an investment in time but will be worth it - your family comes first - especially the younger members are your responsibility. She will come to respect you and your beliefs and understand why living an Islamic way is the only way...

Edited by Maryaam

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I am like talibani in my house,i dont allow any thing unislamic in my house no matter who wants to do it sister,or brother not allowed to go against shariah in my house,some times this creat clashes but i dont care,islamic values is most important for us.

hehe good idea if she dont listen to you donate her ipod to street kids lollll

Ali rules his home

Edited by Ali Huzaifa

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I am like talibani in my house,i dont allow any thing unislamic in my house no matter who wants to do it sister,or brother not allowed to go against shariah in my house,some times this creat clashes but i dont care,islamic values is most important for us.

hehe good idea if she dont listen to you donate her ipod to street kids lollll

Ali rules his home

That's the best way for everyone else to rebel against Islam for no reason! :D

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Maybe she feels lonely and hence listens to music to alleviate her boredom. Try spending some time with her...keep her occupied....that could help. Just FYI the more you try to tell her not to do it....the more she will want to do it....she is a pre-teen and it is just going to get worse if you try to tell her what she can do and what she cannot do. Lead by example not by "breaking it" especially "accidentally" not a good idea.....Good Luck :)

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Action speaks more them words. The more u force her the more she will repel......take note of her age, shez heading teenage so that behavior is expected.

Just practice ur way n leave her.....am sure she too will stop hearing to music in the future.

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I am like talibani in my house,i dont allow any thing unislamic in my house no matter who wants to do it sister,or brother not allowed to go against shariah in my house,some times this creat clashes but i dont care,islamic values is most important for us.

hehe good idea if she dont listen to you donate her ipod to street kids lollll

Ali rules his home

Not a very pleasant person to live with are you?

To OP, there is nothing you can do except explain your side. You have no right to impose your ideas on people in a house that is not yours. And plus, force never helps.

If you really want your family to be like you, you have to make them think like you. Currently they don't and that is your problem. A general tip. Don't start what you want changed. Try approaching from another angle.

(Also there is always the chance you are wrong, which you might want to explore, but I am speaking generally here and it's not directed at you)

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(bismillah)

(salam)

I am considering taking her ipod and breaking it, making it look like an accident or some thing.

(wasalam)

dont break it just take it away and use it.

" roh ki faryaad " dekha do usko

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Not a very pleasant person to live with are you?

To OP, there is nothing you can do except explain your side. You have no right to impose your ideas on people in a house that is not yours. And plus, force never helps.

If you really want your family to be like you, you have to make them think like you. Currently they don't and that is your problem. A general tip. Don't start what you want changed. Try approaching from another angle.

(Also there is always the chance you are wrong, which you might want to explore, but I am speaking generally here and it's not directed at you)

just for your information i am most pleasent person to live with :P ,but some times force is essential specially for teenegers

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just for your information i am most pleasent person to live with :P ,but some times force is essential specially for teenegers

....said the spider to the fly.... :blink:

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just for your information i am most pleasent person to live with :P ,but some times force is essential specially for teenegers

ye to hay lato k bhoot bato say nahi maantay

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My life story.. My sister is older though... I am like turn that off.. Then she calls me an extremist.. Then I say khomeini would have killed you, is he an extremist? I dont wanna say Imam would have because.. Yeah. I also tell her not to yell in public.. I am also called an extremist for that..

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To the OP; did you listen to music when you were young? If yes, then what made you stop it? If no, then what made you not to? Just try to actualize the same realization that youve had upon your sister.

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To the OP; did you listen to music when you were young? If yes, then what made you stop it? If no, then what made you not to? Just try to actualize the same realization that youve had upon your sister.

DONT TRY THAT!!! bad advice.. My bro trys that on me all the time.. Like I say "turn off the music", he says did you listen to music at my age? and I am like no you idiot.. dont you remember.. Then when I call for prayer he is like did you pray at this age? I am like I could give a freaking khutba at jummah at your age.. (Not that I could or anything) :P but I could pray myself at his age..

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Guest Abdul_Wahab
bismillah.gif

wasalam.gif

I would not break her things - that will only turn her against you. Model Islamic behaviour. Dont nag at her or she will probably rebel. Spend time with her - each week at least, take her to do healthy things and show her that you can have fun in

a halal way. It is an investment in time but will be worth it - your family comes first - especially the younger members are your responsibility. She will come to respect you and your beliefs and understand why living an Islamic way is the only way...

This is good advice. What type of activities would you suggest? Some times I find it very difficult to relate to her given the age gap and the gender differnce.

Maybe she feels lonely and hence listens to music to alleviate her boredom. Try spending some time with her...keep her occupied....that could help. Just FYI the more you try to tell her not to do it....the more she will want to do it....she is a pre-teen and it is just going to get worse if you try to tell her what she can do and what she cannot do. Lead by example not by "breaking it" especially "accidentally" not a good idea.....Good Luck smile.gif

Im not with her all the time. She takes this Ipod with her every where even to the masjid. Ive tried speaking to her about it many times, but she doesnt listen. She takes it with her when she leaves the house, goes to school, every where. There is no doubt that listening to these things, especialy at such a young age is defenitly going to corrupt her mind and soul.

What do you mean by lead by example? I try to do that, I give her quran lessons at least once a week. I get her to do her prayers. I give her lessons on Islam, but I feel that its not setting in to her heart. She spends all her free time with her Ipod and t.v and she doesnt usualy want to do other activities. Im also busy my self I cant spend all my time with her, and my parents dont seem to care about what she does with her time.

Action speaks more them words. The more u force her the more she will repel......take note of her age, shez heading teenage so that behavior is expected.

Just practice ur way n leave her.....am sure she too will stop hearing to music in the future.

Thank you for your reply, but I have to respectfully disagree with you. I dont think I should just leave her to do haram and then hope that she will learn not to do it in the future.

To OP, there is nothing you can do except explain your side. You have no right to impose your ideas on people in a house that is not yours. And plus, force never helps.

If you really want your family to be like you, you have to make them think like you. Currently they don't and that is your problem. A general tip. Don't start what you want changed. Try approaching from another angle.

(Also there is always the chance you are wrong, which you might want to explore, but I am speaking generally here and it's not directed at you)

Well first they are not my ideas, this is Islam. Regaurdless of how loose a scholars interpretation is on music, no scholar allows the type of music that is being listend to by her. In fact no logical person would allow a 12 year old child to listen to such things. Im also not trying to force any thing on any one, I have been trying to calmly and nicely explain why it shouldnt be done.

The fact that they dont think like me is not my fault, im not sure what you mean by that. I dont controll the thought process of other people.

The last sentence in parenthesis didnt make any sense to me, im not sure what your trying to say.

My life story.. My sister is older though... I am like turn that off.. Then she calls me an extremist.. Then I say khomeini would have killed you, is he an extremist? I dont wanna say Imam would have because.. Yeah. I also tell her not to yell in public.. I am also called an extremist for that..

There is no death penelty for listening to music, if you told your sister that you are an extremist (unless you are joking).

To the OP; did you listen to music when you were young? If yes, then what made you stop it? If no, then what made you not to? Just try to actualize the same realization that youve had upon your sister.

Alhamdulillah I never really saw the need to listen to music. Even from a very young age I felt it was pointless/stupid and a waste of time.

I feel its difficult to make her realize these things beause of the influince she gets from her freinds at school and from t.v.

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Okay.. so what did you guys do in your pasttime? Islam is not exactly a 24/7 obsessive disorder y'know. Try to make her do stuff you liked doing at that age. Obviously friens and tv are HUGE influence.. I'd start with that. But I think the most important thing of all is somehow to make her realize that music isn't that big a deal.. maybe join some sports competition or something..

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This is good advice. What type of activities would you suggest? Some times I find it very difficult to relate to her given the age gap and the gender differnce.

Well having been a 12 year old girl at one time.....I would have loved an older brother to think me important enough to spend time with me... the most important thing for a pre-teen and teen girl is to have someone who will listen to them and "understand" them - that means feeling like they are being heard. Often, they are lost and in need of direction but are so self conscious and sensitive that if they feel you do not approve of their choices or do not like them, they will run in the opposite direction. That is what you do not want...you want her to know that she can always come to you - no matter what.

I dont know if you are in a city - if so there are lots of activities - look in your news paper for the current things going on - there are always things coming to town (that you proabably were not aware of) and many are geared towards kids. To begin with - you probably need to go to these "pre-fabricated" activities if there is a little tension between you so that there are not so many "spaces" to argue and for things to go wrong. It also centers the talk on the activity. Be prepared - she will probably go with her iPod on - dont say anything or make a disapproving face, etc. That is your test :P

There are science exhibits, the planetarium and National Geographic films on Imax - often combined with an exhibit of some kind - that 12 year olds really like. If there is a special event coming to town I would show her the ads for it and plan a day so that she has something to look forward to. You can get an ice cream (or frozen yoghurt) afterwards and/or go to a nearby park with a packed lunch. Feed the ducks, go to the zoo, go on the mini train through the park etc. The big thing is not to spend too much money (this is about time not money) - there are days when these attractions are cheaper - look for the best buy - get her to notice the specials too - then she is part of it. Soon she will suggest things. I would think of activities that might encourage an interest in her - something that leads to a healthy perspective in life and the knowledge that she can make good choices.

I live near mountains and hike and picnic - if you are near a beach you can go for a long walk along the edge of the tidal pools and see all kinds of animal life in the intertidal zone - go to the library ahead of time and get a book at her age level on intertidal animals and see how many you can recognize, etc.

I think the most important thing to remember is that this is not a time to LECTURE her on Islam. It is a time to MODEL it. If she has odd ideas that make you want to scream at her - DONT - just accept what she says - you dont need to approve of it at this point. Just listen - and she will probably try and push your buttons at first to test you out - be ready for this and dont bite... Active listening is one of the hardest skills to learn. Many, including me, often want to run in and FIX things by telling the other where they are going wrong. They may be dead wrong - but that method will not fix anything... it only puts up barriers. You want to break down the barriers.

The ideal would be (months or even years from now) when she comes to you to ask advice and wants you to be proud of her. That will happen over time (be patient) if you show her that you love and respect her as a person (not necessarily her activities - but like I said I would not say anything about that). Unconditional love is rare gift; she needs to learn that she always has that with you. This is a long term committment - she will be your sister for life.

She will come to Islam because she is being drawn to the light that you provide. Details are not important right now - showing her the path so that she may choose it - is much more important.

EDIT - Make a regular time and keep it - whether it is once a week or once every two weeks - whatever you can manage. Dont cancel.

Edited by Maryaam

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Guest Abdul_Wahab

Thank you very much for taking the time to write such a long and detailed post. Your post is very informative and helpful. You have given me very good advice, and I will look in to the things you suggested. May Allah grant you the intercession of Ahlulbayt on the day of judgment.

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Salaam allaikum,

Start spending time with her. As an older brother..if you spend a lot of time with her and talk to her she'll begin respecting you automatically and listen. You won't even need to tell her anything...she'll just follow how you act. This is probably your safest bet bro.

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Salaam Alaykum,

Why not try and engage with her as to the content of the music, what type of music is it, what message is it portraying, how does it make her feel?

Does she feel it "speaks" to her, if this is the case, then maybe you can speak to her about these issues that she might have as any teenager would have and what this music gives to her.

If you simply try and ban her, or shut it off, we all know it won't work, maybe she needs an outlet for certain emotions she is going through, and when you find out what those emotions are you could re-direct her to other options..

Wasalaam

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^good luck in getting a 12 year old to go in to the deep unconscious reasons for doing what she does.

At best you could hope for a "'cos I want to", or maybe a "'cos I like it, so stop bugging me about it".

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I used to have a problem with that myself. To be honest as a teenager I found music loads of fun. When my Mum pointed out it was haram I never saw the point and got really irritated. I turned to music when my friends would give me a hard time, or I'd flunked a test or something else that seems like the end of the world to your average idiot teen. My Mum was smart though. I thank God I have her. When she saw her suggestions weren't working she advised me to upload duas on my mp3 player. I did that, I wasn't entirely irreligious. Gradually I progressed to uploading nohas, surahs other duas. After listening to them I felt repulsed by switching to music when the dua ended. Alhamdolillah it worked and I don't listen to music anymore. When I need cheering up, duas always make me feel better.

The key is NOT TO BE BOSSY. Don't antagonise her. If you are her only source of Islamic advice to her then making her turn against you will be very harmful. And if you irritate her it might be that she'll listen to it on purpose to assert herself. Nobody wants to change themself because someone else told them to, least of all a younger sibling. Whenever you see her doing anything Islamic like Namaz then praise her. Make her feel special whenever she does a good deed. . We know that the deed itself is enough of a reward but she's only 12. Give her gifts of CDs of nohas etc. Provide her with healthy alternatives to cheering herself up. And pray to Allah.

Don't stress out. She's 12. At that age most people have some sort of vice they need to work on getting rid of, whether its a bad temper, hormones or whatever. It'll work out with time InshAllah.

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