Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
*Love AhleBayt*

Joint Family System and Islam!

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

(salam)

I have a few questions regarding it.

1) What is your opinion about Joint Family Systems?

2) Do you think its right for the wife to demand her Privacy from her husband?

3) Do you think the husband and wife can stay happier if they live seperately and not in a Joint family?

4) Do you think the wife have to sacrifice alot if living in a joint family system?

5) What does Islam say about Joint Family?

6) What do you think a wife should do if she is not happy in Joint family and want to live seperatly with her husband but the husband doesnt agree?

Please give your opinions!

Edited by *Love AhleBayt*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A great alim writes:

An interesting point to ponder over is that the Hindus, in spite of their Joint Family System (or should it be said, `because of it?') never felt such intense love towards their relatives as was seen in the Arabs in spite of their Separate Family System, and that Islam upheld that love to a reasonable extent.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/8023037/The-Family-Life-of-Islam

interestingly he was indian

his son wrote:

During the last Ramadhan of his life, Imam ?Ali used to break his fast one day at the house of Imam Hasan, next day at the house of Imam Husayn, and the third day at the house of his son-in-law, `Abdullah bin Ja`far. This shows two things: our Imams had separate houses with their own family but, at the same time, they fulfilled the duty of silatu 'r-rahm.

These two examples are sufficient to guide Muslims in their daily life. If any Muslim ventures to deviate from this straight path, he will no longer remain on the path of Islam. It is only by following this Islamic code that mankind can obtain peace of mind in this life and everlasting happiness in the life hereafter.

http://www.al-islam.org/islam_faith_practice_history/34.htm

I personally generally disagree with the joint family system. I think it gives too many problems. I have many examples where in laws caused problems. How likley is it for a person to get along with all the people in a joint family house?

Edited by Muhammed Ali

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(salam)

Here are my personal opinions.

1) What is your opinion about Joint Family Systems?

- If you are poor then it is understandable. If it is unavoidable (old parents) then it is okay. Otherwise no one should live in a joint family system. Do people think it is okay to have brother-in-law staying with you. It is just too cruel to force a woman to stay in a house where she is expected to observe hejab 24 h X 7 d for 365.

2) Do you think its right for the wife to demand her Privacy from her husband?

By privacy you mean not be forced to stay in a Joint family? OF course! You decide how your future life will be before tying the knot.

3) Do you think the husband and wife can stay happier if they live seperately and not in a Joint family?

Definitely.

4) Do you think the wife have to sacrifice alot if living in a joint family system?

Yes. Sometimes your freedom when too many things are expected out from you.

5) What does Islam say about Joint Family?

The Holy Prophet(sa) had houses for his wives. Imam Ali(as) stayed with Az Zahra(as). Imam Ali(as) had brothers and sisters but they don't stay in a Joint Family system. Imam Hassan (as) and Hussein(as) had their home.

Joint family system probably had more than do with cultural practices in certain country or poverty. It is not against Islam. Neither do Islam promote Joint Family system.

6) What do you think a wife should do if she is not happy in Joint family and want to live seperatly with her husband but the husband doesnt agree?

Of course the husband and wife need to make each other happy. His job is to provide house, clothing and food. Also wife need to understand husband economic situation.

Edited by Zareen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess it's all depend on how your relationship is with your inlaws... my inlaws basically let us do whatever we want and they don't interfere with my life (me and my husband). Although we want to live in our house one day (inshallah within few years). The advantages of living with your inlaws would be : free food, you come home from school and the dinner is ready, free housing etc..

but you know, nothing beats living in your own house.. where you can do EVERYTHING you want and invite anyone you want to your house... it's just different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very interesting posts! I too dont like the joint family system althou i live in one too. Before marriage, i always wanted to live in ajoint family system but once you step in it, than you know how it is.

I think joint family system really causes alot of problems, theres no privacy at all. You cant wear what you want to wear, like im pregnant now, and im not comfortable in the dresses i have to wear and i jus want to wear a lose gown all the time, but i cant do that coz of the people around.

My husband's elder brother lives in UK and not with his family, and his wife is going to be with him too so when i see them enjoying thier lives far away, i too feel that i wish we had a our lil house too, coz i love decorating, and whenever i decorate the our joint family house, the next day the thing disappears and its a mess again. So i have to sacrifice all my dreams, and i just keep on decorating my own room.

Im justr worried about my upcoming child Inshallah, kids really get spoiled in joint familes, as when you tell them not to do this, elders in the house wud tell them the opposite, so the child really doesnt remain your own. This really worries me alot.

Lets just hope for the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I personally generally disagree with the joint family system. I think it gives too many problems. I have many examples where in laws caused problems. How likley is it for a person to get along with all the people in a joint family house?

Thats just true. To be honest, i too dont get along with 1 or 2 poeple in our family but i always keep patience and stay quite to avoid conflict. And the best way to avoid conflicts is to just bear it all quitely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^Thats true.

In Pakistan, hardly anyone gets to enjoy thier life. You just feel so isolated at times that you want to run away. Desi husbands wont understand that joint family causes great problems and discomfort for the wife who came with soo many dreams leaving her parents away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salaam all. You guys have listed plenty of negatives of living under a joint family system however i believe there are major positives too. In todays world where selfishness is promoted and isolation is popular joint family system can be difficult for some people . But given the world economic/political situation rightnow, you will find that in the near future there will be no other way but for us to stick together (atleast at the family level if not community).

Living in the West i feel in the joint family system my kids have a lot of caretakers and taachers. They have all the role models inside the house so they dont need to look elsewhere! AD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^What you are saying is right too. There are few advantages of it. But than we lose alot of things too. We dont get the control over things.

And plus, everyone likes to have thier own privacy and full control of thier kids.

Every family is different thou, its not necassary to get seperated for no reason, but when the husband sees that his wife is not happy and comfortable and the behaviour of others are causing problems in thier lives, than i think he should think of moving out in order to save his married life and the future of his kids. If he just sits doing nothing, than the wife gets to suffer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I guess many women should make it explicit in their marriage contract if they don't want to live in a joint family system. I think people need to grow up.. you really need to go away from your parents and build your own family. That's called being married and growing up. Though I don't mind living with my in laws for another couple of years (they love my son so much).. many people get this weird look when I told them that I live with my in laws... they were like "Oh..?" "Is she treating you well.." etc etc... and I was like.. of course.. why shouldn't she?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
^Thats right. But i think it totally depends on the husband. Mostly husbands doesnt want to move out, like mine! So i just cant say anything or force.

(salam)

That is tough.

Marriage is a partnership, it's always best for both of the partner to listen and communicate. It is very unfortunate that sometimes one of the partner decide he/she is the master and the other person has no views/feelings.

All the pent up feelings/emotion has a way to reveal itself. :squeez:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(salam)

That is tough.

Marriage is a partnership, it's always best for both of the partner to listen and communicate. It is very unfortunate that sometimes one of the partner decide he/she is the master and the other person has no views/feelings.

All the pent up feelings/emotion has a way to reveal itself. :squeez:

Yeah, thats very tough! When your parents disagrees than its really hard to move on with your dreams, than you can just dream of it. And when you know that your husband wouldnt be happy to get seperated, than its even harder.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well.........i have experieced both :)

8 yrs in Joint n past 4 years Nuclear. Both have their pros n cons. I did have my very tuff time in Joint...but yeah if i look at the bright side I loved that my kids were grown with their grandparents which was a blessing for me.Coz here i see my sister n other friends stuggling with their infacts ( one schooling other at home),then the house chores which ofcourse is 24/7.So i believe Joint family is the best for those days.....unless ur not very over protective for ur child n u do trust ur in-laws.

Secondly yeah Nuclear is definately preferable if compared...but on the other side ask urself ....is ur husband worth it?? I wont go to the financial capibility ,but otherwise....will he help u in the house work,.will he take care of the kids,will he give u that freedom to do what u want?? Coz Nuclear family means a HELL of responsibility....will he do his share??

If u guys have a great comparability the go for a Nuclear Family.

(salam)

That is tough.

Marriage is a partnership, it's always best for both of the partner to listen and communicate. It is very unfortunate that sometimes one of the partner decide he/she is the master and the other person has no views/feelings.

All the pent up feelings/emotion has a way to reveal itself. :squeez:

This happens Most of the time :)

Edited by arshiraza

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I dont think i wud let my kids go away from me. I wud want to take care of them by myself. As grandparents really spoils the kids and they dont tend to listen to thier mother infront of them. So i think, i wud like to have full control of my kids so that they listen to what i say first, as no one has the right on the kids more than thier parents and its really frustrating if kids avoid what you say and obey others commands which may spoil them.

My Mother too lived in Joint family for like 7 years of her life, than she moved here in UAE. She is happier and healthier now she fulfills her duties really well.

According to her, joint family involves more of work and responsibilites and you cant even say no to ur inlaws if you are tired or dont want to work, but when your alone, its in ur hand!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^ again sis, it doesn't apply to every joint family system. My MIL almost never ever ask me to do something that is not my responsibility.. I'll do my dishes, she'll do hers..

and I'll clean my own room.. she cleans hers and the house.. cus I stay in my room most of the time

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salaam Alaykum,

Are there any other examples OTHER than the Holy Prophet(AS), Bibi Fatima (SA) and Imam Ali(AS)?

The reason I ask is that I don't think their situations really apply in the modern context.

You need to find a Masoom who's both parents were alive during their adult married lives and see what situation they lived under.

Failing that, then look toward how the companions of the Masoomeen set up their families when there was no clear objection from the Masoomeen...

Also taking in consideration historical methods of home ownership/leasing also - I dont think a simple straight comparison with then and now would be fair

Wasalaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^ I dint say my kids were grown by my in-laws.....but yes they were a gr8 help as in......if i wanted a afternoon nap...i use to give my baby to my mother-in-law. If my father-in-law had to go across the street..he use to take my daughter along....I use to feel respited for those mins.

When i was due to deliver my second baby,i had been to my mother's place coz i had my family gynac there. For abt 20 days i left my daughter with my Mil n my hubby,since my daughter cud not miss her school. Iuse to miss my daughter a lot but..on the other side i knew she was safe hands.

Yeah at times they did force their views on my bringing up......but many a times i dint mind( may b it was my patience)

Thou my father-in-law in no more....when ever my mother-in-law visits us here....I am relieved as far as my kids r concerned.

Back to the Point- Both situation have their + n -.........depends wat suits u :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
^ again sis, it doesn't apply to every joint family system. My MIL almost never ever ask me to do something that is not my responsibility.. I'll do my dishes, she'll do hers..

and I'll clean my own room.. she cleans hers and the house.. cus I stay in my room most of the time

Thats really nice.

At our place, its like a responsibilty. When you dont serve the whole family, dont attend the guests(that usuallyt happens when me and my husband is going out and suddenly some relative comes in and we have to stay) coz maybe you are not well than you are the bad one.

Its so annoying. I dont mind working at all, i can work all day long without saying a word, before i was pregnant, i did everything, washed millions of dishes, but after i got pregnant, im usually not feeling well and i feel weak when i stand for a longer time. Im just so concerned about my baby.

I dont even feel like eating anything when im in Pk! Im always mentally disturbed there.

Edited by *Love AhleBayt*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Salaam,

I am not married yet, but it is generally the case that a father and mother brings up their child working hard day and night -bringing true their every wish -only to find that when the wife comes -you abandon them. This is terrible when they grow old and ti now the children s turn to serve their parents.

What about the wife's parents? Doesn't she "abandon" them when she goes off and marries? Don't the wife's parents work hard, day and night to raise her as well? Yet it is often considered much more acceptable for the girl to leave her parents when the wife gets married. I wouldn't consider it abandonment if the parents were able to take care of themselves. At least at the beginning of the marriage, the husband and wife need a little more privacy to get to know each other better. Of course, a lot of other factors come into play as well, such as whether the couple can afford to live independently at the beginning. As time progresses, the parents will get old and they will need help from their children. But in the case of older parents, I think that a couple should take care of both the husband's and wife's parents. I don't like this system where only the husband's parents are taken care of by the couple. The responsibility is on all the children, regardless of gender. Parents are very important in Islam, but so is a healthy marriage, and both the husband and wife must recognize this and learn to strike a balance between the two.

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
What about the wife's parents? Doesn't she "abandon" them when she goes off and marries? Don't the wife's parents work hard, day and night to raise her as well? Yet it is often considered much more acceptable for the girl to leave her parents when the wife gets married.

(salam)

You raised a very important question.

Sadly in the muslim community there is a sort of unwritten rule that a girl always leave her parents home to join the in-law upon marriage. Even when the girl is the only child and her parents has no one else who can look after them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A.A Well I read many things about joint and separate family system and the thing that

Islam is not promoting the joint family system but we must understand that house is an

institution and every institution require a person who head's it in a family Father is

that figure he is the head of the institution and he is given all the authority by Allah.

I remember one hadith of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) when he says to a person that you and

you wealth belongs to your father. You just can not go against your parents just for a

women your parents grow you up and you can not leave them when they need you the most.

I dont think that wife rights are by any means superior to the parents.Yes she abandon her

parents after the marriage but this rule is not made by man it is given by Allah.

I try to explain it with a little example that according to hadith "Paradise lies

in the Foots of Mother" and you know what wife's foot just have a shoe so its upon us

to choose between the shoe and the paradise its just not logical that the girl leave

her parents after her marriage so she must make her husband to do that as well.

The thing about privacy and all other is rubbish for those persons please go a

head and read about the rights of mother according to hadith there is just no way

you can thank your mother for what she has given you. So plz grow up,take care of

your parents. For all those who think joint family system is not in Islam they must

understand that by promoting this we are also promoting the idea of a Old Houses which

is just not acceptable by Islam if a women thinks that she had abandon her parents after

marriage so should her husband then I guess its better for her not to abandon her parents

and dont get married.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^ Living in separate homes does not mean you are abandoning your parents and relatives. Hazrat Ali(as) did not live with his sons. He had a separate home. Imam Hassan and Imam Hussain also had separate homes. This means that Islam does not give any specific preference to joint family system - rather the opposite may true in certain cases.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

salam.gif

I have a few questions regarding it.

1) What is your opinion about Joint Family Systems?

2) Do you think its right for the wife to demand her Privacy from her husband?

3) Do you think the husband and wife can stay happier if they live seperately and not in a Joint family?

4) Do you think the wife have to sacrifice alot if living in a joint family system?

5) What does Islam say about Joint Family?

6) What do you think a wife should do if she is not happy in Joint family and want to live seperatly with her husband but the husband doesnt agree?

Please give your opinions!

salam.gif

Nice post sis.I think joint family system has no place in Islam because of many reasons and the most important is hijab as ya have to obsreve it all the time.You're husband's brother is a non mehram so it's not possible to wear it all the time.Live separately.That's the best option.Moreover,ya better know about mother-in-law kinda thing that exist in Pakistan.They really turn you're life into a hell.My cousin was happily married to a guy.She lived in Karachi.Everything was going well but after 2 months of her marriage her mother-in-law and sister-in-laws started teasing and taunting her.Inshort they even tried to kill her but fortunately she was a british national so she was rescued easily.This isn't possible for a Pakistani girl to handle such kinda situation because of social set-up.So it's better to not live in joint family system.In joint family system,every things has to be done according to the will of elders in the family from what should be cooked etc moreover lack of personel privacy and un-restricted movement of non-maharam men in the house but when ya live separately you're the queen of you're own house.

In our culture if the wife asks for a separate house, the husband gives a lame excuse that he has to repay his family for what they have done, for upbringing,educating & he can't leave them alone but Islam doesn't appreciate it. It's the duty of every parent to give proper upbringing to the child & when he is old enough, get him married to a pious girl & let them take care of themselves . They should educate the boy in such a way that he should know what is good or bad for him. Let our children live a life on their own without expecting from them to repay for what we had done for them.Atleast when I'll grow older, I'll definitely leave it on my children to live with me or not. Infact,i would be more happier person, if they would leave me alone. We should have a practical approach.I don't know the answers of the other questions,you've posted as I'm single but i guess this will give ya a broader view.

wasalam.gif

Edited by saba fatima naqvi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...