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fatima abedi

Can You Marry A Shy, Quiet And Unsocial Momin

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I dont care if theyre blind deaf dumb and limbless I would marry a true momin, but momin isnt what we call someone who goes to mosque. momin is someone much higher than that... As for what we call a momin today.. I guess I would marry them.. but then you would have to like make them social but it may be worth it in the end..

Edited by ShiaSoldier@2007

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If given a choice NO. But these days.......girls hardly have choice,n IF they start being picky abt guys they will have wait n wait n wait for that "prince charming" to come on the white horse.

These days i belive if 60% of ur choices r blending.....leave the rest to Allah n move on.

Now here 60% includes.....shia-educated-earning enough to start a family- family background-a bit of looks- matured n responsible.I think that shld b all. I believe there is sumthng like destiny.......leave sumthngs to Allah n accept it.

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Practically for men its OK to marry a momina girl with these traits as momina will not make silly mistakes in life. For boys its necessary to be very active in social life to earn his bread. But I don't feel a true momin will be a unsocial kind of person, being shy is a good characteristic I feel and would you like the company of a person who jabbers a lot?

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No way. Part of being a momin is sociableness. Plus, I'm a very social and outgoing person so I'd be incompatible with an unsocial/shy/quiet person. I also want a MAN - someone who is confident.

wasalaam

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No way. Part of being a momin is sociableness. Plus, I'm a very social and outgoing person so I'd be incompatible with an unsocial/shy/quiet person. I also want a MAN - someone who is confident.

wasalaam

Rawrrr you tell them girl! Ah wanna real mayn!

But jokes aside, it is part of the innate disposition of the female to seek out masculinity in the male, and being too shy and quiet does not show this. Some naive and ignorant people tend to think that belief is about unnatural, impossible and even gay tendencies. These kids have to gain some more understanding.

Edited by Cyan_Garamond

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(bismillah)

Assalam alaykum,

^ I know someone who is a great guy, very pious, quiet, religious, generally keeps to himself and I never quite realised why he hasnt been able to hook up with someone (he's tried quite a bit).

Now I think know the answer :(

But how do guys like this change? it's part of their nature and its not an 'evil' or haram thing to be that way..?

Edited by Iman

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Agree with cyan.

Sis Iman, it's not that quiet and shy guys cannot be religious or momin. But an all-encompassing account of what it is to be a momin must include sociableness. In fact, I think there is even a hadith where someone asks Imam Sadiq (as) whether it is better to go out in a social environment when there is a possibility of falling into sin or to stay in one's house praying all day and imam (as) replied that the former is better....something like that. Anyway, ofcourse noone is perfect, but this should be something to work on. I don't know how a guy like that would change....perhaps he should start with getting out more and attending more social gatherings/outings with 'the boys'.

wasalaam

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Shyness can be a truly beautiful quality insofar as it doesn't inhibit your ability to care for and reach out to others, though I agree that when it does interfere it stops being a perk. I'm actually far more attracted to reserved people so it's not as much of an issue for me. Realistically though, I'll probably end up with an outgoing man because I'd be too shy to do any approaching myself and the guy would have to step up... but for arguments' sake I think the 'strong, silent types' are pretty manly themselves- they can take a while to understand, but the effort is often worth it.

In many cases, 'shy, quiet, and unsocial' can just be a matter of only being exposed to one aspect of a person. As far as I'm personally concerned, I'm often very quiet and coy on purpose in settings where modesty just inclines me to not say a word, but I'm president of the speech & debate team at school so it's definitely not the most accurate impression of who I am.

Sometimes it can pay to step out of your comfort zone, and other times you can get away with remaining steadfast in your character. One of my brother's friends is one of the most all-around wonderful people I've ever met- an extremely pious, kind, handsome fellow who a lot of girls I know had been interested in, but who never bothered to say or do anything because he didn't seem approachable. Alhamdulillah he ended up getting engaged to a lovely girl nonetheless and I don't think he had to compromise who he was to get there, and I guess his reservedness even gave him the added bonus of never becoming arrogant about all the attention he never took notice of.

One generalized statement I'd make about shy people is, they have to invest a much greater amount of personal time and persistence in basic relations with people in order to get married. Being shy often necessitates getting a lot of one-on-one time with any prospective spouse because that often ends up being the only way for others to gauge compatibility and develop a real sense of attraction.

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There is nothing more annoying that overt shyness in people. I can understand quietness when it is appropriate, but it is never appropriate in social settings and gatherings where interaction is mandated. You often wonder about a person's sense of self-worth and confidence when they are too shy and quiet. Passiveness is unattractive and comes across as weak. Even in women, it is unattractive.

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(salam)

I have definitely read a shia tradition in which one of our imams say that Our shias are the ones who are social outcasts like Abu Dhar Ghaffari and they are the types who don't marry and nobody wants to marry them... they remain quiet.. they are shy.. they are very pious and live this life for Allah AND Allah ALONE... they travel to lands....sometimes like Isa (as) they spend their nights under the sky as sky is their rooftop and earth is their carpet.. those are the true shias.. the ones Imam Mahdi seeks...

Is there such a tradition?

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Sis Iman, it's not that quiet and shy guys cannot be religious or momin. But an all-encompassing account of what it is to be a momin must include sociableness. In fact I think there is even a hadith where someone asks Imam Sadiq (as) whether it is better to go out in a social environment when there is a possibility of falling into sin or to stay in one's house praying all day and imam (as) replied that the former is better....something like that. Anyway, ofcourse noone is perfect, but this should be something to work on. I don't know how a guy like that would change....perhaps he should start with getting out more and attending more social gatherings/outings with 'the boys'.

I'm by no means saying that you should like someone like that if thats not how you are/what you are attracted to. I just feel sorry for this person :( Inhallah the right girl will come along for him.

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Salamalaikum,

Imam Reza a.s. said: Shyness is a sign of Faith.

Rasool Allah saww said: Being quiet is a sign of Knowledge.

Imam Hassan al Askari a.s. has said: Speak less with people during Ghayba of Imam Az Zaman a.s.

Someone asked from Amir-ul-Momineen as what will be the identity of a momin in future?

Amir-ul-Momineen as replied, ‘He would like to stay close to Allah swt's representative, he will establish friendship upon seeing him but would disassociate himself from the enemies of Allah swt even if they are his close relatives.

It is narrated from Ibn-e-Auzniya that more than one narrator have referred to either Imam Mohammed Baqira.s. or Imam Jafar-e-Sadiq a.s. ‘No one becomes Momin until and unless he recognises Allahswt, His Rasoolsaww, His Imams a.s,. Masoom Imams a.s, of his time (Imam Uz Zaman ajf). He then should refer to them in all his affairs and put himself in their a.s.'s custody. And added, ‘what will he know in the hereafter who has been ignorant from the very beginning?

So, I would say A Momin defines his own society and he mingles only with those who are righteous. He socialises but his sociability is known to but a few. If anything is said against the teachings of Ahlulbayth a.s., few Momineen fight back to protect the religion and few choose to be silent and in it is their protection indeed.

I would marry some one with the above qualities mentioned in my post.

Ya Ali Madad

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^ Thanks for the great post.

I'd like to add: "As intelligence increases, speech decreases" (Nahjul Balagha, 584).

What is meant by "unsocial" anyway? I think that might be a relative term dependent on one's point of view. For some, unsocial might mean not going out several times a week with friends, but others may think unsocial means a person who stays at home all the time, turns down invitations and even when around others, they aren't interested in engaging in or maintaining conversation (which is my personal view of what unsocial means).

Some people may not be in a good environment and may be the only Shia or Muslim in the area. Are they unsocial if they choose not to hang out with non-Muslims as they prefer not to be tempted to haram? I read a hadith from the book Ahl-Bait: Ethical Role Models that stated that it's better to not have friends than to have friends who are not moral and who participate in haram (something to that effect). I gave the book to my mom, otherwise I'd provide the reference.

Some may also be unsocial because they're going through a very stressful or difficult time. Maybe something traumatic happened to them and they need time alone to cope with it. Some may be very busy with school, work, etc and may have no free time at all to spend with others.

Others may find me unsocial even. I reverted a few months ago and no longer feel comfortable hanging out with any of my prior friends since all they do is party and drink. I used to drink some so I know that I need to stay away from them so that I'm not tempted back to drinking. I don't know any Muslims here (I know a few Arab guys but obviously I don't want to hang out with them). There's no masjid here. So I spend a lot of my free time (what little I have) alone. Further, even if I did know some Muslimahs here, when would I spend time with them? I'm a full time grad student (with a lot of hw), with a 20 hr/week internship AND a job. I hate my situation, but that's my reality.

I think if someone is 'unsocial', it would be beneficial to explore the reasons underlying that behavior. They may have a very good reason for being that way. Or, they may actually be unsocial and unfriendly even when they have the chance to be around momins. As mental health counselors often say when asked a question: "it depends".

Edited by sukaina_08

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Salamalaikum,

Imam Reza a.s. said: Shyness is a sign of Faith.

Rasool Allah saww said: Being quiet is a sign of Knowledge.

Imam Hassan al Askari a.s. has said: Speak less with people during Ghayba of Imam Az Zaman a.s.

what imam reza a.s mean by shyness is .........covering yourself and your private parts and not to gaze at na-mehrams.......and not in the sense shy in talking to others.

and being quiet is a sign of knowledge only when it comes to vain talk..... but to make good relations with other people is also emphasized in islam and for that you need to talk to them and not remain quiet.

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Quiet can be nice, I don't want to marry the Shia version of Jay Leno, Shyness is good in certain instances, and unsocial, well if we go by western standards... I'm really unsocial too. [As a lot of Muslims would be also]

It really depends on the guy; I hate guys who love to hear themselves talk constantly.

If our personalities compliment each other... then sure I will. Long as the other blanks are filled in such as piety, religious, smart etc.

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salams

what imam a.s mean by saying that a momin speaks less is only that he is not a chatterbox......and this does not mean he is quiet either.....and this is something anyone would like about somebody because this is more perfect and moderate

i dont know if theres a hadith that talks about people i am refering to.

but anyways......one thing is sure that the person is considered unlikeable and unattractive by the opposite gender.

i would love to know anybody who doesnt agree with me on this point.

wassalam

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salams

what imam a.s mean by saying that a momin speaks less is only that he is not a chatterbox......and this does not mean he is quiet either.....and this is something anyone would like about somebody because this is more perfect and moderate

i dont know if theres a hadith that talks about people i am refering to.

but anyways......one thing is sure that the person is considered unlikeable and unattractive by the opposite gender.

i would love to know anybody who doesnt agree with me on this point.

wassalam

U didn't read the last point of my post.

To add some taste to the thread

Imam Reza a.s also said: A Momin's Emaan increases when he praises his wife.

And, a shy person as you understood in my post, would be unable to form words of praise which touch the heart and soul and at the sametime sound real. Bottom line is, a momin cannot be understood but he is romantic with a mixture of shyness and a charm of silence according to scenario, and may seem brave and loud if anything goes against his Imam a.s.

And that is why there is a tradition which says:

Abu Abdullah (a) said: When a believer stands up for offering a prayer, Allah allows the women of Paradise to look at him. If he finishes his prayer without asking Allah to give him women of Paradise in marriage, they go back with astonishment.

Ya Ali Madad

Edited by siraatoaliyinhaqqun

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salams

i would want to know how much does it matter to you.......if you have to consider some quiet, shy and unsocial MOMIN for marriage

wassalam

assalamu alaikum

I thought people were asking about quite unsocial women from the post, but looking it seems they are speaking about men. I married a quiet unsocial momin. He isn't shy, just quiet. Something wrong with quiet people? Do people really need to be entertained 24 hours a day? Nothing wrong with a quiet guy.

Agree with cyan.

Sis Iman, it's not that quiet and shy guys cannot be religious or momin. But an all-encompassing account of what it is to be a momin must include sociableness. In fact, I think there is even a hadith where someone asks Imam Sadiq (as) whether it is better to go out in a social environment when there is a possibility of falling into sin or to stay in one's house praying all day and imam (as) replied that the former is better....something like that. Anyway, ofcourse noone is perfect, but this should be something to work on. I don't know how a guy like that would change....perhaps he should start with getting out more and attending more social gatherings/outings with 'the boys'.

wasalaam

assalamu alaikum

I think being alittle unsocial is way better than a social idiot that can't show up for his job.

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It depends on what you mean by 'unsocial'. If he is so unsocial that he prefers not to visit with other mumineen (at the masjid or at majlis) and does not like to have other people in the house ever, then I would say that could be a problem in some cases.

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assalamu alaikum

I thought people were asking about quite unsocial women from the post, but looking it seems they are speaking about men. I married a quiet unsocial momin. He isn't shy, just quiet. Something wrong with quiet people? Do people really need to be entertained 24 hours a day? Nothing wrong with a quiet guy.

no no this post is both about unsocial quite men and women who are momins.....i don't have to mention momina seperately.....

a momin is any religious muslim.....

now if your talking about a quiet muslims.......it doesnt mean you also need to mention the word muslimas seperately

i am a syed muslim momin ok....... not a syeda muslima momina lol

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I'm not antisocial, I'd call myself more nonsocial. It isn't that I don't want to be - I just don't know how to be social, and I find most typical conversations uninteresting and exhausting. I'm much more comfortable around children than adults. I'd have no problem with a less social husband, but it might be better for me, would force me out of my unsocialness to marry a more social man.

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I'm not antisocial, I'd call myself more nonsocial. It isn't that I don't want to be - I just don't know how to be social, and I find most typical conversations uninteresting and exhausting. I'm much more comfortable around children than adults. I'd have no problem with a less social husband, but it might be better for me, would force me out of my unsocialness to marry a more social man.

same here......i would want to marry someone whoes social.......because it will help me be a bit more social myself or atleast i will feel more comfortable socially when he will be around.

its not that i dont like unsocial people.......its just that i feel comfortable with a social person.

and if i was a very social person .......then i wound'nt have cared at all

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It would depend on the other qualities the individual posseses and also the reasons for him being unsocial.

If he feels lazy to socialise- I would

If he lacks confidence-I wouldn't

If he has an ego and considers others unworthy-I wouldn't

If he is selective with friends- I would

So, it just depends on circumstances. I would not reject ab initio, but look into the reasons before I make a decision.

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Momin guys are like a scarce resource, so shy, quiet and unsocial are not a problem at all, especially since those aren't negative characteristics and furthermore they're things you can change in a person if you really wanted to.

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salams

i would want to know how much does it matter to you.......if you have to consider some quiet, shy and unsocial MOMIN for marriage

wassalam

"Sociability" and "unsociability" are culturally defined. What do you mean by "unsocial?"

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"Sociability" and "unsociability" are culturally defined. What do you mean by "unsocial?"

unsocial person to me is who is not very comfortable around with many people......and normally doesnt speak much........basically an introvert.

i m not talking about muslims who dont go to parties becoz of something haram.......even a social person should avoid that.

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It depends on what you mean by 'unsocial'. If he is so unsocial that he prefers not to visit with other mumineen (at the masjid or at majlis) and does not like to have other people in the house ever, then I would say that could be a problem in some cases.

I totally agree with you sister! I have had that problem myself so I know.I don't say that he has to be so social that the house always is crowded with his friends but he must be as social that he at least is open to have visitors.That he isn't so unsocial that he never visit people and refuse to have a friend or 2. But I wouldn't mind if he is shy and quiet as long as i like him.That is just cute hehe.

Edited by ummleyla

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salams

i would want to know how much does it matter to you.......if you have to consider some quiet, shy and unsocial MOMIN for marriage

wassalam

Y NOT if and only if she is a MOMINA

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