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In the Name of God بسم الله
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BabyBeaverIsAKit

Dealing With Jealousy In Yourself

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(salam)

Sis, can I ask you something? If you don't mind?

Why do you seem so upset with Allah (swt)?

Because I thought that by following Allah's rules (by not having a boyfriend, doing proper, strict hijab, etc.) I would get something better and earlier (a husband, as opposed to a boyfriend with no commitment). Yet I see all these girls with boyfriends who are getting married to their boyfriends and having the life I dreamed about all these years. The only thing that helped me get through my high hormonal teenage years was the idea that Allah would give me what I wanted if I was a good Muslim. I pray for many things but if I am tired or in a hurry, I only ask one thing from Allah-- a husband. I appreciate all the things I have and I don't want to seem ungrateful for having all that, but as someone posted, I have that thirst for companionship that has not been fulfilled. It is even more difficult when girls who already have seemingly perfect lives (one of my close friends), gets married to a wonderful guy and reach the pinnacle of perfection. It's just hard being single, and I keep hearing that I must have patience in order for Allah to give me what I want. I have been hearing this "patience" mantra repeatedly over the years, and there are soo many times that I feel like I HAVE been patient. The other mantra I keep hearing is that "it's not the right time", yet there are so many points in my life during which I have had absolutely perfect times in my life where I could very easily have had a husband and at least gotten over that initial, difficult adjustment period that comes with being newly married. There have been times in my life where I was at a point that I could move to where he was, and those would have been great times to get married.

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Salaam allaikum sister,

Don't think that your doing Allah a favor by following his rules; if we do anything to follow the sharia we are only really benefiting ourselves. There isn't any expectation that Allah will give us something because we've been "good".

These are very very risky attitudes because if you do things in the expectation of getting something back then its not really a pure intention.

I do understand where your coming from but reflect a bit and be more patient. Sometimes our attitudes, beliefs, or actions are the greatest blockers of things in our lives. Here i'm speaking collectively for all of us.

Also because of our failure to establish the correct kind of islam in our lives, and in the political realm we cannot expect to see everything to be perfect. In fact because of our collective (muslim ummah) failure we should expect to face some hardships in even gaining the halal.

To wrap this up look at all the good you did as a favor from Allah; he kept you intact with your dignity and strength. To have kept away from sin is one of the greatest favors anyone can ask for in life.

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Both my parents have actually made constant, concerted efforts all my life to make sure I don't do that. It's really hard to resist, though- it makes it so much easier to lower your gaze and keep a handle on your modesty. :Hijabi:

Hats off to them.

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Because I thought that by following Allah's rules (by not having a boyfriend, doing proper, strict hijab, etc.) I would get something better and earlier (a husband, as opposed to a boyfriend with no commitment). Yet I see all these girls with boyfriends who are getting married to their boyfriends and having the life I dreamed about all these years. The only thing that helped me get through my high hormonal teenage years was the idea that Allah would give me what I wanted if I was a good Muslim. I pray for many things but if I am tired or in a hurry, I only ask one thing from Allah-- a husband. I appreciate all the things I have and I don't want to seem ungrateful for having all that, but as someone posted, I have that thirst for companionship that has not been fulfilled. It is even more difficult when girls who already have seemingly perfect lives (one of my close friends), gets married to a wonderful guy and reach the pinnacle of perfection. It's just hard being single, and I keep hearing that I must have patience in order for Allah to give me what I want. I have been hearing this "patience" mantra repeatedly over the years, and there are soo many times that I feel like I HAVE been patient. The other mantra I keep hearing is that "it's not the right time", yet there are so many points in my life during which I have had absolutely perfect times in my life where I could very easily have had a husband and at least gotten over that initial, difficult adjustment period that comes with being newly married. There have been times in my life where I was at a point that I could move to where he was, and those would have been great times to get married.

I think I can understand where you are coming from a little bit. I went through a similar phase a couple years ago where I felt "betrayed". I realized I had picked up the idea (I think this idea is floated around by Muslims a lot) that if I did everything "right" (salaat, sawm, hijab, etc), then everything else in life would work out "right", and that is simply not true. In fact, I think it is a dangerous idea because it does lead to a sense of betrayal when we realize that acting "good" (or what we think is "good") does not lead to worldly success.

Of course, salaat, hijab, etc, have benefits. They have spiritual benefits and also social benefits. But nowhere does God promise that if we act "good" then He will give us what we want; in fact, it has been said that He tests us more if we have more belief. Look at what the prophets went through. It has been said that He gives the kaffirs whatever they want because they will have nothing in the akhirah.

It could be that you are being tested. God tests us.

However, it is impossible to say whether it is a Divine test or just circumstances. The universe also has laws of cause and effect. As for patience, patience is what we do when we have no choice. But it is not a life plan; rather, it is something imposed on us. There is not a lot of wisdom in being "patient" and expecting things to change. There is wisdom in being patient in accepting our circumstance while we try to do things to change them.

The fact is, unless your family is arranging your marriage for you, it is hard to get married if you are not interacting with guys. I don't know what you mean by "strict hijab". Obviously I believe that all Muslimas should wear proper hijab (i.e. the wajib), but, realistically, a young sister is less likely to attract a husband if she covers to the point that there is nothing attractive about her (i.e. no color, gigantic scarf, gigantic loose clothes, etc). Men are very visual. I used to be a little critical of some younger unmarried sisters for dressing in a way which I found "too attractive" (even though they were still wearing shari' hijab) but now I realize that it is smart to "dress up" a little bit (as long as you are not violating hijab or looking indecent or slu-tty - sorry I know this word is edited out but I can't think of another word). This is just reality.

Also if you have to meet a guy on your own, it's hard to meet a guy if you don't talk to guys ever. Of course, there needs to be a balance between being too open and being too reserved. I don't think young sisters should go on unsupervised dates or behave inappropriately. However, realistically, a sister is more likely to meet a guy if she actually speaks to guys (in respectful, public situations).

Of course, as Muslims here, we are in a difficult situation in that we don't see Shia guys most of the time in our lives. In your case, it might help to try to put yourself in situations where you will interact (or at least be seen by) with young single Shia practicing men. For instance, young people sometimes find spouses at Islamic camps and Islamic conferences. Travelling can help a lot too because you meet new people and might meet someone you like or vice versa. You might try involving yourself in a broader variety of Islamic events and seeing if your family will allow you to travel to go to conferences, camps, etc. I'm sure you've tried ShiaMatch already; you might try other online Islamic matchmaking services. Some of them have Shia people on them also.

You might try asking people you know (perhaps people who are not living around you) if they can help.

Ummm otherwise I've always thought that the electrical engineering department is a good way to meet Shia guys, so you might consider taking a couple courses in EE ;)

Anyway, as for what you are saying above, inshallah the way you have lived your life so far and your morality will help you have an easier and better marriage once you marry inshallah. Marriage is easier without "baggage" and most practicing Muslim guys expect a sister to have lived a decent life. So don't regret how you have lived. I hope everything works out for you.

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I have heard in lecture that wanting what another has in itself is not a sin; it is a sin however when you want another to lose what they have attained or achieved just because you have not.

In terms of finding a husband, remember that the people who you are "jealous" of have found people who suit THEIR needs in a partner, and not yours. You just have to give it time, and Inshallah you will find someone with a character that YOU are looking for.

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^

Hmm...ya it seems like theres a fine line between the two

...................

To be clear about the definitions :-

1) Envy is what you feel towards someone when he/she has something that you want.

2) Jealousy is what you feel when you have something you really like and don’t want to share.

3) Covetousness is what you feel about the thing you want that that other person has. This sinful feeling is the result of having the wrong attitude toward material things.

What is covetousness?

It results from an excessive desire and greed for material gain. It involves a strong desire after the possession of worldly things. It’s most extreme form is avarice, which is marked by cold-hearted worldliness.

... i wonder what the OP was feeling at the time of the conception of this thread ?! :P

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