Dealing With Jealousy In Yourself

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

SA,

This is a thread just like the one for young children except it's for adults. How do you deal with jealousy? I feel like jealousy is hard to control. I don't want to be jealous but it just happens. Do you just not think about it? At what point do you think jealousy becomes a sin-- if you dwell on it too much or right when you first start having those thoughts?

More specifically, here is my situation: I get jealous when I see other people, especially younger people, getting married. I do not want to be jealous but it happens, and someone told me that my jealousy was probably preventing Allah from giving me a husband. That just broke my heart because I do not purposefully try to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it and I don't want to be sabotaging my efforts to get married. (Although it's hard to believe that my jealousy is preventing me from getting a spouse, because this is a recent phenomenon. I wanted a husband a few years ago as well, I had no jealousy then, and I used to be happy when I heard about anyone getting married. Allah did not give me a husband then, either.) It's worse when I actually have to attend those weddings because that just drives my jealousy since there is no way to avoid thinking about the couple getting married.

Edited August 11, 2008 by BabyBeaverIsAKit

[Teabiz]

well... its normal to get jealous, just say "mashallah"... Try not to think about it and always say "bug off shaytan"!

Inshallah the right spouse will find you.

[I Believe]

Sis, I'm speaking personally; my best friend got the scholarship I wanted for college and she didn't even want it at first. I don't know if at first I felt some 'envy' but right after wards I was thrilled for her as if I had won the scholarship. It inspired her to attend College and fulfill her potential, and I know there is a wisdom behind her winning and not me. Allah swt knows best, and I tend to be very happy when good things happen to others. They deserve it.

I probably become happier for them than I would have for myself. Ignore the whisperings of Shaytan.

Edited August 11, 2008 by Vision

[Hopeful]

Sis, your jealousy will slowly lead you to depression. You need to visit a psychiatrist, to get you pepped up about your life at present. Life is not all about marriage. If marriage happens then good, and if not then too good. Marriage involves a lot of responsibilities and it is not all fun. So have fun, till you are a spinster. :P If you look deep into many married peoples' lives, you will find that they have something missing in their lives too.

People are poor, handicap, sick, gay, impotent, orphans etc. They are all going through difficulties of life . Even if you are unmarried, you are blessed with a lot of things from the Almighty, which you should not ignore. I am not saying that you are thankless, but, since you are concentrating on one aspect of your life which is missing according to you, you are facing jealousy.

I know of a girl, who has gone into depression for the same reason. I request you not to do that with yourself. You are in my prayers. :)

[*Slave of Zahra*]

I get jealous too...over the tiniest things :blush:

Anyway I started a thread like this a while ago and something one of the sisters said was so beautiful, let me quote:

Think of it this way. Everyone around you is part of yourself and they are also not excluded from your individuality. They share the same aspirations journeying on together towards the pathway of perfection as you do. The key in this is to uplift humanity by helping one another climb the ladder to attain high stations as oppose to competing and bringing others down with our ‘egos’ . So when a person possesses something which you are envious of it is actually as if you have possessed that position and obtained it, In essence you see yourself in others and you as a result feel positive about it. Then there's no room to be jealous, you will only excel further in life and succeed with your own personal objectives. Now some are more capable than others and are able to climb up faster but that doesn’t mean that your potentials are lost, in fact the motivation from the ones that are above you allows everyone beneath to eventually get somewhere and there’s no limit to reach the very end of this position, it’s infinite.

Hope this approach would help you overcome your problem :)

[Hopeful]

^

Very good quote :)

[dan_rafi]

hey sister..... u dont need to be jealous of others getting married..... just pray to Allah that u get a great hubby who loves u and cares abt u.

jealousy burns u from inside.... and if keep urself being jealous of others..... u will never be able to think straight.

a lot of my friends, younger than me, are married already... and wen they see me chilling..... they get all jealous... cuz they are now stuck :P

so enjoy the freedom while u have.... :)

[Rawshni]

SA,

This is a thread just like the one for young children except it's for adults. How do you deal with jealousy? I feel like jealousy is hard to control. I don't want to be jealous but it just happens. Do you just not think about it? At what point do you think jealousy becomes a sin-- if you dwell on it too much or right when you first start having those thoughts?

More specifically, here is my situation: I get jealous when I see other people, especially younger people, getting married. I do not want to be jealous but it happens, and someone told me that my jealousy was probably preventing Allah from giving me a husband. That just broke my heart because I do not purposefully try to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it and I don't want to be sabotaging my efforts to get married. (Although it's hard to believe that my jealousy is preventing me from getting a spouse, because this is a recent phenomenon. I wanted a husband a few years ago as well, I had no jealousy then, and I used to be happy when I heard about anyone getting married. Allah did not give me a husband then, either.) It's worse when I actually have to attend those weddings because that just drives my jealousy since there is no way to avoid thinking about the couple getting married.

1. These feelings are natural to all humans who are not m'aasoom so don't overly burden yourself with pre-occupation with them.

2. From what I know of you through your posts [its precious little] you are very intelligent and blessed with a strong will. This is important when when needs to fight the blues and come out of the dips.

3. Always attend wessings and other such occasions, even if you do not want to. They are very good occasions to get noticed.

4. I somehow have the impression that you are not very tall. Always wear apparel that does not have flounces and flairs, don't wear large patterns and prints. Avois flat clours and checks too. Vertical stripes are your best bet.

5. Wear moderat heels.

6. If there is posture problem [most Shia girls have one] correct it. Walk straight, head high, chest thrown back.

Allah bless

[Scylla]

SA,

This is a thread just like the one for young children except it's for adults. How do you deal with jealousy? I feel like jealousy is hard to control. I don't want to be jealous but it just happens. Do you just not think about it? At what point do you think jealousy becomes a sin-- if you dwell on it too much or right when you first start having those thoughts?

More specifically, here is my situation: I get jealous when I see other people, especially younger people, getting married. I do not want to be jealous but it happens, and someone told me that my jealousy was probably preventing Allah from giving me a husband. That just broke my heart because I do not purposefully try to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it and I don't want to be sabotaging my efforts to get married. (Although it's hard to believe that my jealousy is preventing me from getting a spouse, because this is a recent phenomenon. I wanted a husband a few years ago as well, I had no jealousy then, and I used to be happy when I heard about anyone getting married. Allah did not give me a husband then, either.) It's worse when I actually have to attend those weddings because that just drives my jealousy since there is no way to avoid thinking about the couple getting married.

I know exactly why and how you feel it. I am a very attractive person but still I couldnt escape the pressure from extended family to get married early. I got lucky! and I'll be marrying soon.

I am a tad disappointed to see you coping not so well with it. And I see reflection of that in majority of your posts.

[rhizome]

SA,

This is a thread just like the one for young children except it's for adults. How do you deal with jealousy? I feel like jealousy is hard to control. I don't want to be jealous but it just happens. Do you just not think about it? At what point do you think jealousy becomes a sin-- if you dwell on it too much or right when you first start having those thoughts?

More specifically, here is my situation: I get jealous when I see other people, especially younger people, getting married. I do not want to be jealous but it happens, and someone told me that my jealousy was probably preventing Allah from giving me a husband. That just broke my heart because I do not purposefully try to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it and I don't want to be sabotaging my efforts to get married. (Although it's hard to believe that my jealousy is preventing me from getting a spouse, because this is a recent phenomenon. I wanted a husband a few years ago as well, I had no jealousy then, and I used to be happy when I heard about anyone getting married. Allah did not give me a husband then, either.) It's worse when I actually have to attend those weddings because that just drives my jealousy since there is no way to avoid thinking about the couple getting married.

I don't usually get jealous at all that's cuz I think Allah has given me the best of everything and will give me the best of everything there is in the world! Alhamdolillah! I, however, do get annoyed at little things. I have annoyed management problems! ;) :P

O btw, I'm getting married, inshAllah, to the BEST human being and Muslim there is in the world! :wub: Make dua for me and I will make dua for you as well. :) Don't be jealous, be happy! PUNK! :)

Edited August 12, 2008 by rhizome

[Path2Felicity]

Sis Babybeaver, I know a LOT of sisters who are going through what you are going through.

For the majority of those sisters who I spoke to, they are frustrated that they are not married yet... but they are mostly frustrated by the fact that they FEAR that they will not find anyone. If you live in the West (your posts indicate to me that you do, though please correct me if I'm wrong), it is very hard to find someone. We are restricted to marrying a shi'a Muslim male and sometimes someone from our own cultures, depending on parental preferences ... as anyone can guess, the number of people fitting those criteria are not very big. To feel some sort of jealousy is a natural reaction.

I think that when we have such fears for ourselves, we need to just take a step back... and do something completely difficult and hard... put all of our faith and trust in Allah (swt) that He will provide for us what is BEST. If your personality is anything like mine, you are a super-planner and need to have everything laid out in front of you in order to have some sort of security. I think the hardest part of faith is that we need to let that go and trust in uncertainty since certainty is only in the hands of Allah (swt). Most people I know who were worried about getting married, only found someone after they let go of their fears and worries, and took a step back. Then, Allah (swt) placed someone in their lives and they ended up getting married.

As other posters mentioned, there are lots of things you can do right now as a single woman that you can't do as a married woman. Travel, visit friends, take extended vacations, spend money however you want to, be carefree, etc. Once you get married, a whole new set of worries will enter your life... (i.e., Can I have children? Where will we live? How will I raise my children?, etc. etc).

Spend an hour in complete silence in your prayer area in your house. Read Quran, meditate. Then, read dua'as, and allow the tears of complete faith in Him roll down your face. You will feel stronger afterwards, and it will only lead you to good places insha'Allah.

Wasalaam

[Rawshni]

Heck, this what I have trying to pinpoint. It is not actually jealousy Baby is talking about, but frustration.

[Hassan2jz]

Salam.

Is it just me or do all your threads somehow relate to the difficulty of you getting married?

I reckon you should stress less. Be patient. Take it easy. No worries. etc etc.

Good Luck.

Hassan.

[BintAlHoda]

(salam)

It is a normal part of life development to want to get married and to feel frustrated when you feel you are socially and emotionally mature enough to marry but do not have the option yet. So I wouldn't beat yourself up over the feeling. Have you ever read the about the theory of psychosocial development? (http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/psychosocial_3.htm) I believe there is some truth to this especially for people living in Western countries (where the theory originated). You will find similar frustration among married women who would like to bear children but cannot or have not for some reason. It's the "right time" in life, but it's just not happening for one reason or another.

I also think it is very counterproductive to tell someone Allah is not giving them a spouse because they are jealous. I would strongly object to anyone saying that. In some countries, getting married has become an increasing challenge for many young people, especially girls. It is easy to blame God but the fact is this is a social phenomenon and not God punishing us in our lives. I know many girls where I live who are in their late 20's who would like to marry but there are no good options available to them. (And of course this is excluding girls who have been married and are already divorced by that age which is also more common)

Apparently this is not just a problem in the Muslim community; I read an article on MSN the other about how in Japan some parents are trying to take their kids to matchmaking services because they are not finding spouses either :)

Religiously, jealousy is condemned when it leads to us hating or wishing evil for the people we are jealous of. However, it is distinguished from "envy" which is when we see something someone else has and desire to acquire something similar ourselves. For instance, you see someone getting married, so you want to get married too. This is normal and fine. In fact, it is healthy beacuse it gives us something to aspire to when we see something we like in someone else's life. If you are feeling the destructive form of jealousy, try to change your feelings over to "envy" and be happy for the girl getting married while hoping for the same for yourself.

Also unfortunately I hate to say this but not everyone who gets married is getting into a happy situation. Sometimes people get married because they are pushed to or because they feel like they are getting old or for some other reason. Sometimes people like each other but when they get married they have problems, especially nowdays since divorce is on the rise. And then sometimes one partner is just psycho. All you can do sometimes is just hope for the best for people since the fact they are making a public life commitment is no guarantee anymore that they will actually be able to remain committed forever.

3. Always attend weddings and other such occasions, even if you do not want to. They are very good occasions to get noticed.

Lol true good advice there

6. If there is posture problem [most Shia girls have one] correct it. Walk straight, head high, chest thrown back.

Ok I'm curious now... why do you feel that most Shia girls have a posture problem (especially as compared to nonShia girls)?

[Rawshni]

(salam)

Ok I'm curious now... why do you feel that most Shia girls have a posture problem (especially as compared to nonShia girls)?

(wasalam)

Shia mothers particularly and directly, and Shia society generally and indirectly, teach their girls, particularly pubescent girls with a forward stoop, shoulders narrowed [hunched] in an attemptes to make the bosom invisible.

It should be indiscernible cloaked in a chaddar, period.

[Zuljenah]

(wasalam)

Shia mothers particularly and directly, and Shia society generally and indirectly, teach their girls, particularly pubescent girls with a forward stoop, shoulders narrowed [hunched] in an attemptes to make the bosom invisible.

It should be indiscernible cloaked in a chaddar, period.

:blink: I have never heard of such a thing! Where on earth did you get this idea from?

[Rawshni]

Bibi you live in the US. What is the number of Shia there?

Come to think of it Zuljie, I should amend my original statement about the posture "Most Shia girls here [or raised here] have it."

Edited August 12, 2008 by Rawshni

[Batool]

(salam)

Sis, it's pretty much normal what you're feeling, and its good that you're aware that it can lead to harm. Just don't let it consume you and eat away at the goodness in your life. Perhaps take some time to communicate this very feeling to Allah and seek his help to overcome it. I wouldn't feel to overly guilty about it though as it seems natural, aslong as your not dreaming of clawing out the bride and groom's eyes out at the weddings you attend :P

I really understand though, because sometimes I want something SOOOOO badly too and wonder how come other people are getting it and so easily (it seems). I think the best thing to do is not to give up with the prayers, pray to Allah that you never lose hope and then try as hard as you can to accept that He is dealing with it in the way that He deems best. Atleast your pain is not unoticed by Him, InshaAllah you will see your prayers fulfilled soon. That basically all I can advice sis, pray and don't lose hope.

ws

[Scylla]

(wasalam)

Shia mothers particularly and directly, and Shia society generally and indirectly, teach their girls, particularly pubescent girls with a forward stoop, shoulders narrowed [hunched] in an attemptes to make the bosom invisible.

It should be indiscernible cloaked in a chaddar, period.

My mum never taught me that.

Theres a supression cultural problem actually. Even if somebodys mum didnt tell her to do that, she starts doing that herself. In that case, parents ought to rectify that. The problem basically is one ought to be taught that one should be proud of ones sexuality and feminity...

Edited August 13, 2008 by Scylla

[Rawshni]

^

Absolutely correct, the last part of your post.

As I said, the supression can be direct or indirect.

[Muskaan]

Sometimes the biggest tragedy in life is to get what you wish for...was it shakespeare who said that?...I dont know...but what I do know is it does hold true many times.... So be patient...dont let it consume your daily life...surely you will get what is good and right for you. And when your time comes and you get married to your prince, you would not like if anyone else feels jealous right? So leave that emotion far away from you and try concentrate on other aspects of your life. Not easy but I know you can do it.

[Hassan2jz]

(wasalam)

Shia mothers particularly and directly, and Shia society generally and indirectly, teach their girls, particularly pubescent girls with a forward stoop, shoulders narrowed [hunched] in an attemptes to make the bosom invisible.

It should be indiscernible cloaked in a chaddar, period.

Wow. Pretty extreme and hopefully isolated....

[arshiraza]

I agree to sister hopeful to quite an extent.......enjoy ur spinstershood as much as u can.

Marriage is a important aspect of life,but not the only aspect.

[Mawadah]

Enjoy while you can! Marriage does impose restrictions.. Take it from me (married, 2 kids).. Enjoy your freedom! :) smile!

[Abbas.]

I agree to sister hopeful to quite an extent.......enjoy ur spinstershood as much as u can.

Wah Insaaf ! Waah Qaanuun !

Khud tau mazay ker liye aur ab dusroon ko roktay hain :P

Salams

[Armans Wife]

Enjoy while you can! Marriage does impose restrictions..

I think it depends on what kind of man you're married to

[Hopeful]

Wah Insaaf ! Waah Qaanuun !

Khud tau mazay ker liye aur ab dusroon ko roktay hain :P

Salams

Rok nahi samjha rahe hai, 'samne waali ki thaali ka ladu hamesha bada dikhta hai', ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence' :P

I think it depends on what kind of man you're married to

I don't know about restrictions, but, marriage does give more responsibility and asks for more sacrifices and adjustments from the couple.

I am not against marriage, but, its the attitude towards life which counts. You should not let yourself get frustrated, if you are unmarried, both have its pros and cons. :)

[How strange]

Jealousy of the unmarried (over the married):

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/index.php?sh...t=0&start=0

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

Thanks, I didn't use the search function. (Although eventually topics will inevitably start repeating anyway lol.)

[asphyxiated]

Try not caring. No matter how much better someone is, or how much better they have it, I generally don't care. What good is it going to do in the end for me to care? We're both going to end up just as dead, anyway.

Indifference is the key to comfort. When you place too much emphasis on this life, you tend to get jealous. Try not to place so much emphasis on the 70-some years you're getting here.

[Path2Felicity]

Try not caring. No matter how much better someone is, or how much better they have it, I generally don't care. What good is it going to do in the end for me to care? We're both going to end up just as dead, anyway.

Indifference is the key to comfort. When you place too much emphasis on this life, you tend to get jealous. Try not to place so much emphasis on the 70-some years you're getting here.

I love this... simple, to the point, practical, meaningful advice.

[Binte.Ali]

SA,

This is a thread just like the one for young children except it's for adults. How do you deal with jealousy? I feel like jealousy is hard to control. I don't want to be jealous but it just happens. Do you just not think about it? At what point do you think jealousy becomes a sin-- if you dwell on it too much or right when you first start having those thoughts?

More specifically, here is my situation: I get jealous when I see other people, especially younger people, getting married. I do not want to be jealous but it happens, and someone told me that my jealousy was probably preventing Allah from giving me a husband. That just broke my heart because I do not purposefully try to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it and I don't want to be sabotaging my efforts to get married. (Although it's hard to believe that my jealousy is preventing me from getting a spouse, because this is a recent phenomenon. I wanted a husband a few years ago as well, I had no jealousy then, and I used to be happy when I heard about anyone getting married. Allah did not give me a husband then, either.) It's worse when I actually have to attend those weddings because that just drives my jealousy since there is no way to avoid thinking about the couple getting married.

(salam)

Sis, can I ask you something? If you don't mind?

Why do you seem so upset with Allah (swt)?

Okay, you don't have to answer that if you dnnt want to, but I just wondered.

About the main question:

Ya, its hard to cure that Jealously inside you. I used to feel it too sometimes. Esp when some of my friends from school got married, and invited me to their weddings. I was really happy for them, but somewhere inside I used to wonder when it'll be my turn. One by one, my friends got hitched. That was like 3 years ago. . . and I'm still not sure in what way I should thank Allah swt for keeping the 'blessing of marriage' away from me. Over the last few years, I have accomplished so much, learned so much, that it'll last me a lifetime, InshaAllah. I realized my dream and started to fulfil it. Alhamdulillah. If I had gotten married 3 years ago, I may never have been able to do anything. I remember the jealously I used to feel, but now its changed into appreciation because Allah swt has given them the chance to enjoy life together, whereas He has given me the chance to explore my own world, the world around me, explore my dreams before being tied down and possibly unable to do everything that I can do today. Sure, I still wanna get married, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna fret about it anymore. It'll happen when it'll happen. When I see a couple together, I instantly ask Allah swt for strength, patience and acceptance of what He has decided for me. . . it worked as a cure for me.

I hope you do find a good person soon, though, Sis. May he be the best for you, inshaAllah.

[seyedmusawi]

Salaam allaikum,

Indifference is surely not a good way to life your life.

You have strive for your goals and do a lot of dua to Allah. Sometimes we are doing actions or inactions which prevent our duas from being answered. Through contemplation and thinking we have to see what part we have in that.

Sometimes the things we do duas for are not good for us at those specific times. We have to have patience. I'm sure when something is good for you and you are doing your best to achieve that goal Allah will easily make it yours.

Through these things we sometimes learn to correct ourselves and further our iman.

[Sehnsucht]

Jealousy can be the heart's way of telling you you're not content with yourself, sometimes it's not even about what it is you're envying. Jealousy can't be directly fixed- it can be hard to stop the feelings once they're there, but you can definitely do something about that discontentment. There's no reason for you to have to go through life feeling less than pleased with yourself and everything God has blessed you with.

I know there's one thing that plagues you just like it plagues every single other person with the innate thirst for companionship that's a part of what it means to be human... the ardent hope to find someone, once and for all, and finally fill that part of you that feels so fearfully empty. But you have to stop looking at love as a distant reality you can only sit there and pine for; you have to let yourself stand up and become a part of love and understand that what you've got coming will come; overanalyzing it and losing sleep over it and questioning every theoretical detail is not going to bring it any closer, only action will. Don't put your life or your convictions (ie. the conviction that jealousy is a bad thing) on hold for love. I know we do this instinctively as a response to the fear that it might never come if we don't hold our breath, but if you think too much about a thing you might just reason your way out of it ever happening.

(wasalam)

Shia mothers particularly and directly, and Shia society generally and indirectly, teach their girls, particularly pubescent girls with a forward stoop, shoulders narrowed [hunched] in an attemptes to make the bosom invisible.

Both my parents have actually made constant, concerted efforts all my life to make sure I don't do that. It's really hard to resist, though- it makes it so much easier to lower your gaze and keep a handle on your modesty. :Hijabi:

[Zrubab]

(salam)

Sis, can I ask you something? If you don't mind?

Why do you seem so upset with Allah (swt)?

Okay, you don't have to answer that if you dnnt want to, but I just wondered.

About the main question:

Ya, its hard to cure that Jealously inside you. I used to feel it too sometimes. Esp when some of my friends from school got married, and invited me to their weddings. I was really happy for them, but somewhere inside I used to wonder when it'll be my turn. One by one, my friends got hitched. That was like 3 years ago. . . and I'm still not sure in what way I should thank Allah swt for keeping the 'blessing of marriage' away from me. Over the last few years, I have accomplished so much, learned so much, that it'll last me a lifetime, InshaAllah. I realized my dream and started to fulfil it. Alhamdulillah. If I had gotten married 3 years ago, I may never have been able to do anything. I remember the jealously I used to feel, but now its changed into appreciation because Allah swt has given them the chance to enjoy life together, whereas He has given me the chance to explore my own world, the world around me, explore my dreams before being tied down and possibly unable to do everything that I can do today. Sure, I still wanna get married, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna fret about it anymore. It'll happen when it'll happen. When I see a couple together, I instantly ask Allah swt for strength, patience and acceptance of what He has decided for me. . . it worked as a cure for me.

I hope you do find a good person soon, though, Sis. May he be the best for you, inshaAllah.

i just love your reply sister thats the answer i was looking for....

thats what we shud do pray to Allah swt to give us STRENGTH, PATIENCE AND ACCEPTANCE...... and hav faithhh..... dont loose your faith sister...

GOd bless you all