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In the Name of God بسم الله

Which Method For First Timers?

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im not sure if this topic is discussd b4 coz the search is not workin...

i wanted to ask experienced sisters out there, tht which method of contraception do they think is best for virgins? i heard female condoms are uncomfortabl for first timers?

for the weddin nite especially , shud the girl use the method, or is it better for the guy to?

thnx in advance

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salaam alaikum

Birth control pills. Especially if neither one of you knows what they are doing. And there is a section for these types of questions so they don't get out of hand. Sisters Consultancy Group (SCG) /the forum link is towards the top of page.

wa salaam

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Birth control pills. Absolutely. Why?

-You don't need a gyn exam to start using it (like is the case with an IUD): would be distressing and painful esp for a virgin

-You can easily stop it again when you experience side effects (unlike Implanon or depo-Provera)

-You don't need to hassle in the heat of the moment as you would have to with condoms- plus they are not that reliable

-It's immediately reversible not only in case of side effects, but also in case you want to get pregnant.

-It has some other advances as well: less heavy menses&less pain, exactly knowing when they come, the option to plan your menses by stopping earlier in your third week or postponing your stop week....

However, do realize the following:

-You have to plan it ahead. You have to see a doc to make sure they're suited for you, ie there's no problem in your own or your family's medical history that counter-indicates OCs use, and to get the prescription. After that, you have to start the pill on the first day of your next period. All of this of course before you intend to have your first sexual encounter.

-On top, it's important to take your pill on time every day: one forgotten pill at the wrong time may lead to pregnancy. Ask yourself if you are the type of person who can stick to a pill schedule. Every box of pills contains an extensive manual about how to act in case of forgotten pills: read it carefully before starting and keep it in case of need.

-There may be side effects like withholding fluids, less libido, an elevated risk of thrombosis... you doc knows all about it.

-Oral contraceptives do not protect against STDs. If there is the least reason to think you or your fianc�ay carry around some unwanted guests, have yourselves tested (and treated if necessary) before having sex, or use condoms on top of the OCs.

I can't give you much info on female condoms, but I think there's reasons why they have never become very popular...

Before I close by wishing you and your hubs-to-be a happy life together, I want you to memorize the following very well and close to your heart:

Intimacy can be the greatest thing on earth, but also the source of distress, pain, anxiety and grief, and in the end estrangement between partners. I assume you and your fianc�re both practicing muslims, and (if it's his first marriage too) not used to being close to someone from the other sex, especially not touching each other, and certainly not naked.And you may not even feel that safe around your partner in the first place yet. Doing things sexually before you're ready for it is the basis for an unhealthy sex life in the future. If you don't feel comfortable in doing a certain thing, don't do it. Don't go all the way on your wedding night unless you are totally looking forward and are comfortable to the idea to having intercourse, just because "everyone has sex in his wedding night", which is by the way not true, or because people may "expect" it. What you and your husband do together is between you, him and Allah. Take your time in exploring your own and the other's body, get used to each other, do things only when both of you really feel like doing it, grow into sexuality together and lay the basis for a tender and steamy future when after days, weeks or maybe months you have developed to the point where you want nothing more than that for which you need your contraception.

Enjoy your wedding and live happily ever after!

Edited by Zeynab-europe
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salam

my ego couldnt allow me to pass on giving advice. Um there is a risk with the pill of getting a clot - and I know when I was doing paediatrics - the consultant I was under said he would be very uncomfortable advising this teenager to go on the pill given that he knew of one patient who had died because of getting effects and she I presume was a paeds patient. However cus I was sitting in the clinic I could have got it completely wrong cus I usually daydream in them and flit in and out of the convo.

I would recommend you do your research - go to a family planning clinic - cus they are usually very good at giving birth control advise and study the options. You need to consider:

How long you want to be on the birth control

How soon after stopping the birth control do you want to conceive ( with some contraception it takes a while to return to previous levels of fertility)

How drastic having an unplanned pregnancy would be on your lives etc

If your young and you know you forget taking pills - there is a 12 week depot injection they give you but its in the buttocks)

If you know you dont want children for a long time you could use the Implanon which is an implant in your arm and gives you protection for 3 years. However the problems of irregular bleeding especially if you pray would be annoying.

You can take combined oral pill which has a 7 day pill free period in the month so you have an artificial period.

Or progesterone only pill - but that has all side effects risk of progesterone, one of which is no or irregular bleeding ( if i remember correctly).

The female condom and diapgraghm I think have a higher user failure rate than the others. And DO NOT rely on male condom alone, because 1 in 10 pple just using the male condom for a yr ( i think its a yr!) will get pregnant - it has a relatively high user failure rate.

Guys who are in the field correct me please If I have said nething misleading, innaccurate.

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In any case, sensible doctors advise to let the first baby "happen" when it will, and then pace the family as per the number of children you want.

This is at least the practice with all senior gynecological consultants here in Pakistan. They advise against ANY contraception till the first conception.

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Do they have any medical evidence for that practice, rawshni? I care to vehemently disagree, not for medical, but for social reasons. A couple must NOT rush into childbirth, but can better spend some time alone together, to get to know each other really well, to see if they really want to spend the rest of their lives together before getting too many strings attached (a child is a HUGE one), to pursue educational and professional careers, just to mature a bit more themselves....

I have never heard of any indications that contraception before pregnancy would cause any harm, and I think the advise of your country's gynecologists is based more upon cultural values (children expected by the families, pregnancy as a "reward" to the marriage, etc) than upon any medical indications. And as I said, I really believe nobody should get pregnant too soon, and they certainly shouldn't be pushed into it by culturally biased "medical" advise. Let the docs stick to their field.

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Do they have any medical evidence for that practice, rawshni? I care to vehemently disagree, not for medical, but for social reasons. A couple must NOT rush into childbirth, but can better spend some time alone together, to get to know each other really well, to see if they really want to spend the rest of their lives together before getting too many strings attached (a child is a HUGE one), to pursue educational and professional careers, just to mature a bit more themselves....

I have never heard of any indications that contraception before pregnancy would cause any harm, and I think the advise of your country's gynecologists is based more upon cultural values (children expected by the families, pregnancy as a "reward" to the marriage, etc) than upon any medical indications. And as I said, I really believe nobody should get pregnant too soon, and they certainly shouldn't be pushed into it by culturally biased "medical" advise. Let the docs stick to their field.

You've got it all wrong.

The first thing to be aware of is that in Pakistan and India, at least, 99.99 per cent marriages take place when at least the husband, in quite some cases the wife too, are well grooved into a career path.

The second thing is that the gynes here DO NOT advise couples to rush into making a baby. What they say is, let the first one "happen" that is do not go in for contraception immediately upon getting married.

I think is pretty sensible. According to trends noted at urban clinics, births within the first year of marriage are consistently dropping -- without intervention.

As a medstudent you are aware, while sometimes it IS necessary to alter the course of nature, things as close to nature are the desirable choice.

Which is also the reason, the gynes here are unanimous in their recommendation of breastfeeding. You know lactation inhibits conception.

Edited by Rawshni
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Breastfeeding is heavily recommended by the WHO and as far as I know medics around the world propagate this view. It only inhibits ovulation when feedings are given at least every six hours: many babies don't call for night feedings anymore very quickly. And you need to have had at least one before you lactate (duh)

Letting it happen means 80% of couples will conceive within the year. Is there an explanation for the drop in urban birth rates? Biology doesn't change over decades, so there's either a demographic or environmental factor involved, or couples practice periodical abstinence, coitus interruptus, etc.

I don't see why it's sensible, and I ask you again if they have any medical reasons for their advise.

Either you follow nature, which means you are most likely raising a child (which may not be desirable for all the reasons I just mentioned) within no time, or you decide to postpone. And that choice is not the doctors' to make. Their advise reflects a certain view on society and family, in which quick conception is apparently the norm, no matter how you turn it.

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^

What is a medical reason for contraception? And how frequently does it manifest itfself?

Broadly speaking, there are only socio-eoconomic reasons for contraceptions, The gynes here do not give socio-economics precedence over nature.

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Breastfeeding is heavily recommended by the WHO and as far as I know medics around the world propagate this view. It only inhibits ovulation when feedings are given at least every six hours: many babies don't call for night feedings anymore very quickly. And you need to have had at least one before you lactate (duh)

Letting it happen means 80% of couples will conceive within the year. Is there an explanation for the drop in urban birth rates? Biology doesn't change over decades, so there's either a demographic or environmental factor involved, or couples practice periodical abstinence, coitus interruptus, etc.

I don't see why it's sensible, and I ask you again if they have any medical reasons for their advise.

Either you follow nature, which means you are most likely raising a child (which may not be desirable for all the reasons I just mentioned) within no time, or you decide to postpone. And that choice is not the doctors' to make. Their advise reflects a certain view on society and family, in which quick conception is apparently the norm, no matter how you turn it.

Rawshni is right, though her observations and statements may be viewed in the contextual matrix of the urbanized ares of the Indo Pakistan sub continent.

The town and the country are two two absolutely different worlds in INdia and Pakistan.

In the country you will still find, girls hardly post-pubertal who are married. The husband's age may be anywhere between close to the girl's to 50 years her senior or more.

In the towns the situation has changed. Planned parenthood has gained roots. Girls, a majority of them, complete 14 or more years of formal education. The age at marriage for girls ranges between 22 -25, the boys 25 -30 and beyond.

A very number of educated girls are working women before marriage, but do not work after marriage. Time will change this too, but the process is slow. Also, a very large number of newlyweds till live in a joint family system.

______________

The core objective of the practice of medicine is to ensure that natural processes do not deviate from their defined and established parameters, and that the being is preserved in its natural state.

Therapeutic intervention is a necessity, not a choice. If somebody has arterial blockage, angioplasty, or bypass surgery or whatever is needed must be done. But there is no point in giving beta blockers or ventilators to someone who is perfectly healthy.

Planning a family is good, and can be done, is being done without intervention here. It works.

Edited by Rehana.Razavi
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What is a medical reason for contraception? And how frequently does it manifest itfself?

A number of medical reasons are there for which contraception may be advised. Some of these are fairly common. In Pakistan, on top of this list comes Hepatitis B and C which may be transfered from the husband to the wife and from the wife to the child. Contraception is very important. Infact, some believe that sexual intercourse should be avoided altogether and the couple should resort to intimate means other than coitus.

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Rawshni, the main issue is that every woman has the right to decide if, when, and how often she would like to give birth. It's true that that is a mainly socio-economic-cultural field, although there are medical situations where even a first pregnancy and childbirth are contra-indicated such as certain heart diseases, thank God they are rare. Some women use medication that can be detrimental to che fetus (some anticoagulans, anti-epileptics for example), so "letting happen" is no option there either. On top of that, there are many people whose ability to raise a child, at least for the moment, should be highly questioned.

(unfortunately these are also the ones that are least capable of estimating their own qualities and taking measures accodingly) One of these groups are young girls, and as Rehana points out there are still young brides in the countryside in the Pakistani situation. In my country, social services always have at least a monitoring conversation with every pregnant girl under 18. (although their situation is obviously quite different from a Pakistani teen bride) My problem with doctors advising against contraception (for which there are no convincing medical reasons) derives from the following.

Don't underestimate the weight of a medic's words, especially in more traditional societies with large groups of poorly educated people And I count Pakistan as such a country: see the following link for literacy rates: http://www.sindhedu.gov.pk/links/literacyrate%20pak.htm. If a doctor advises against contraception, many wouldn't dare to go against it. Even worse, one needs the direct cooperation from a doctor for most important means of contraception,with exception of the unreliable condom and behavioural methods. The doctor's actions should be based upon two pillars, which are related and sometimes seem to clash. The first is the striving for optimal mental, physical and social well-being. The second is the autonomy of the patient. Basically it comes down to this: After taking an interview and examination, a doctor draws conclusions and suggests, in more or less directive terms depending on the problem, a certain treatment, or lists a few choices. The patient (we assume an adult with sufficient mental abilities here) can decide whether he/she goes along with it, or chooses based upon the doctor's advise.

Now in the issue of contraception. If, when and how many are obviously issues that should lie entirely with the couple. A doctor can advise based upon medical and psychosocial arguments for the specific case. I don't see situations in which a doc should push towards "letting it happen" when the couple wants to postpone. There are, in my opinion, NO arguments for a doctor to deny a woman the choices of IF and WHEN .

Azadar, the issue of hep B&C is yet an entirely different one. Both can be suppressed with medication, although that never erases the transmission risk entirely. We have vaccines for hepB, which means partners can be effectively protected from that. There is then no risk for the fetus and during birth when the mother is not infected (protected by the vaccine), and the child would be vaccinated at a young age if he/she lives with the carrier father. Unfortunately we have neither a vaccine, neither a really effective treatment against chronic hepC. The infection spreads a lot less easily than HepB. HepB is, thus, not really a prob after vaccination. Although there are no cases of sexually transferred hepC, it would always take caution to prevent blood-blood contact between partners and with your children. Only condoms protect against STDs, but even those have no place in the prevention of hepB&C transmission between partners.

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In any case, sensible doctors advise to let the first baby "happen" when it will, and then pace the family as per the number of children you want.

This is at least the practice with all senior gynecological consultants here in Pakistan. They advise against ANY contraception till the first conception.

SAlaam alaikum

Sensible doctors should be advising to have a baby when the couple is ready. The best thing my hubby and I did was wait a few years till having our first child, it gave us time to really get to know each other and gave us time to just be with one another. Will this work for everyone, no, but it should be between the couples and they should not be pushed into conceiving the first thing in their marriages. I also don't see where it would matter to start at the beginning or after the first baby comes. In all reality if you are like me you won't want to be taking birth control pills or any other hormones because you will be nursing and don't want to pass any hormones on to the baby, not to mention that even with the low dose pills there is a big risk of your milk drying up(I had a long talk with my senior ob/gyn physician about this very issue not to mention I also consulted my pediatrician). Also I would like to point out that nursing is not a form of birth control, does it work for some yes but others no. You begin to ovulate soon after giving birth and can conceive. Being 3 months preg with a 9 month old I can vouch for that one myself. Just my opinion.

wa salaam

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(salam)

book_small.gif

This comprehensive book explains in lucid, assured terms how to practice the fertility awareness method (FAM), a natural, scientifically proven but little-known form of birth control (which is not to be confused with the woefully ineffective "rhythm" method).

Author Toni Weschler has been teaching fertility awareness for almost 20 years, and it's only just now gaining in popularity.

As the book explains, by using simple fertility signs including peaks in morning body temperature and changes in cervical position and cervical mucus, it's possible to determine when ovulation is taking place.

Fertility awareness is therefore useful for not only couples who are trying to conceive, but for those who are aiming to avoid pregnancy without the use of chemical contraceptives.

It will be of special interest to those women who have suffered from infertility; many FAM practitioners have told the author that by filling in the detailed charts in the book, they've realized that they were chronically miscarrying, even when their doctors told them they weren't conceiving at all. As the book explains, by charting body temperature, it's simple to tell when pregnancy has occurred--and when there's danger of miscarriage. Taking Charge of Your Fertility also explains how to choose the sex of your baby by timing intercourse according to certain fertility signs.

It also features thorough, easy-to-understand explanations of hormones, the menstrual cycle, and menopause, along with fertility tests and treatments and their long- and short-term side effects, plus a topnotch resource section.

Recommended for any woman who wants to better understand her body. --Erica Jorgensen--This text refers to the Paperback edition.

http://www.ovusoft.com/

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Use birth control pills AND condoms.

It doesn't hurt to have a number of defenses.

In any case, sensible doctors advise to let the first baby "happen" when it will, and then pace the family as per the number of children you want.

This is at least the practice with all senior gynecological consultants here in Pakistan. They advise against ANY contraception till the first conception.

If this is true, doctors in Pakistan are morons.

I'm sure they would also say latex gloves are harmful.

You've got it all wrong.

The first thing to be aware of is that in Pakistan and India, at least, 99.99 per cent marriages take place when at least the husband, in quite some cases the wife too, are well grooved into a career path.

And you're 99.99% full of baloney. Got any numbers, statistics champ?

The second thing is that the gynes here DO NOT advise couples to rush into making a baby. What they say is, let the first one "happen" that is do not go in for contraception immediately upon getting married.

I think is pretty sensible. According to trends noted at urban clinics, births within the first year of marriage are consistently dropping -- without intervention.

How do you know people aren't using contraceptives?

Rawshni is right, though her observations and statements may be viewed in the contextual matrix of the urbanized ares of the Indo Pakistan sub continent.

The town and the country are two two absolutely different worlds in INdia and Pakistan.

In the country you will still find, girls hardly post-pubertal who are married. The husband's age may be anywhere between close to the girl's to 50 years her senior or more.

In the towns the situation has changed. Planned parenthood has gained roots. Girls, a majority of them, complete 14 or more years of formal education. The age at marriage for girls ranges between 22 -25, the boys 25 -30 and beyond.

A very number of educated girls are working women before marriage, but do not work after marriage. Time will change this too, but the process is slow. Also, a very large number of newlyweds till live in a joint family system.

______________

The core objective of the practice of medicine is to ensure that natural processes do not deviate from their defined and established parameters, and that the being is preserved in its natural state.

Therapeutic intervention is a necessity, not a choice. If somebody has arterial blockage, angioplasty, or bypass surgery or whatever is needed must be done. But there is no point in giving beta blockers or ventilators to someone who is perfectly healthy.

Planning a family is good, and can be done, is being done without intervention here. It works.

1.1 Billion people, and planned parenthood is working in India?

Are you purposefully lying, or just daft?

The best advice I can give on this subject is that Allah is in control of when you get pregnant. I know sisters who were on the Pill or the Patch and they still became pregnant. What you need to consider is this: As Muslims we should not do anything to put ourselves in harm's way. Birth Control medications are very risky because they can cause a number of health problems.

Pregnancy undeniably negatively affects a woman's mental and physical health more than birth control pills.

Pills aren't perfect, but as are most things you consume.

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Before I close by wishing you and your hubs-to-be a happy life together, I want you to memorize the following very well and close to your heart:

Intimacy can be the greatest thing on earth, but also the source of distress, pain, anxiety and grief, and in the end estrangement between partners. I assume you and your fianc�re both practicing muslims, and (if it's his first marriage too) not used to being close to someone from the other sex, especially not touching each other, and certainly not naked.And you may not even feel that safe around your partner in the first place yet. Doing things sexually before you're ready for it is the basis for an unhealthy sex life in the future. If you don't feel comfortable in doing a certain thing, don't do it. Don't go all the way on your wedding night unless you are totally looking forward and are comfortable to the idea to having intercourse, just because "everyone has sex in his wedding night", which is by the way not true, or because people may "expect" it. What you and your husband do together is between you, him and Allah. Take your time in exploring your own and the other's body, get used to each other, do things only when both of you really feel like doing it, grow into sexuality together and lay the basis for a tender and steamy future when after days, weeks or maybe months you have developed to the point where you want nothing more than that for which you need your contraception.

Enjoy your wedding and live happily ever after!

As a 5 years married individual with 2 kids, I can confidently say that this is fanstastic advice. If the two young people both don't have any experience, going from first casual physical contact to kissing to intercourse in one night is WAY TOO FAST. Take your time. Western dating is a mess, but one good thing about it is that young people usually advance gradually toward intercourse over the course of years, step by step, easing into things. In a dedicated relationship of marriage, weeks or even months might be a reasonable timescale.

But this is likely something the boys don't want to hear.

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As a 5 years married individual with 2 kids, I can confidently say that this is fanstastic advice. If the two young people both don't have any experience, going from first casual physical contact to kissing to intercourse in one night is WAY TOO FAST. Take your time. Western dating is a mess, but one good thing about it is that young people usually advance gradually toward intercourse over the course of years, step by step, easing into things. In a dedicated relationship of marriage, weeks or even months might be a reasonable timescale.

But this is likely something the boys don't want to hear.

Ditto!!

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Pills, but then again what Allah (swt) sends should be accepted. If you don't look for kids they will come, if you look to have kids, they wont come that fast. See my point? There is something called loleb (arabic) I'm not sure what it is in English but its a shot that's placed in the back of the female. There is like 250mg or 500mg, take the 500mg, although the doc will try to talk you out of it, it's more expensive but it works. Intercourse on the first night, is a bit expected but some couples might not want to. Just don't rush, lean to him as time passes by.

Well, that's about all I got to say.

Wish you a happy life, and pray for me and Orangic Benzene. :wub: We're waiting....;)

Take care. Best wishes.

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Use birth control pills AND condoms.

It doesn't hurt to have a number of defenses.

If this is true, doctors in Pakistan are morons.

I'm sure they would also say latex gloves are harmful.

And you're 99.99% full of baloney. Got any numbers, statistics champ?

How do you know people aren't using contraceptives?

1.1 Billion people, and planned parenthood is working in India?

Are you purposefully lying, or just daft?

Pregnancy undeniably negatively affects a woman's mental and physical health more than birth control pills.

Pills aren't perfect, but as are most things you consume.

One of the most uncouth, abusive and patently ignorant posting I have read here.

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Rawshni, the main issue is that every woman has the right to decide if, when, and how often she would like to give birth. It's true that that is a mainly socio-economic-cultural field, although there are medical situations where even a first pregnancy and childbirth are contra-indicated such as certain heart diseases, thank God they are rare. Some women use medication that can be detrimental to che fetus (some anticoagulans, anti-epileptics for example), so "letting happen" is no option there either. On top of that, there are many people whose ability to raise a child, at least for the moment, should be highly questioned.

(unfortunately these are also the ones that are least capable of estimating their own qualities and taking measures accodingly) One of these groups are young girls, and as Rehana points out there are still young brides in the countryside in the Pakistani situation. In my country, social services always have at least a monitoring conversation with every pregnant girl under 18. (although their situation is obviously quite different from a Pakistani teen bride) My problem with doctors advising against contraception (for which there are no convincing medical reasons) derives from the following.

Don't underestimate the weight of a medic's words, especially in more traditional societies with large groups of poorly educated people And I count Pakistan as such a country: see the following link for literacy rates: http://www.sindhedu.gov.pk/links/literacyrate%20pak.htm. If a doctor advises against contraception, many wouldn't dare to go against it. Even worse, one needs the direct cooperation from a doctor for most important means of contraception,with exception of the unreliable condom and behavioural methods. The doctor's actions should be based upon two pillars, which are related and sometimes seem to clash. The first is the striving for optimal mental, physical and social well-being. The second is the autonomy of the patient. Basically it comes down to this: After taking an interview and examination, a doctor draws conclusions and suggests, in more or less directive terms depending on the problem, a certain treatment, or lists a few choices. The patient (we assume an adult with sufficient mental abilities here) can decide whether he/she goes along with it, or chooses based upon the doctor's advise.

Now in the issue of contraception. If, when and how many are obviously issues that should lie entirely with the couple. A doctor can advise based upon medical and psychosocial arguments for the specific case. I don't see situations in which a doc should push towards "letting it happen" when the couple wants to postpone. There are, in my opinion, NO arguments for a doctor to deny a woman the choices of IF and WHEN .

Azadar, the issue of hep B&C is yet an entirely different one. Both can be suppressed with medication, although that never erases the transmission risk entirely. We have vaccines for hepB, which means partners can be effectively protected from that. There is then no risk for the fetus and during birth when the mother is not infected (protected by the vaccine), and the child would be vaccinated at a young age if he/she lives with the carrier father. Unfortunately we have neither a vaccine, neither a really effective treatment against chronic hepC. The infection spreads a lot less easily than HepB. HepB is, thus, not really a prob after vaccination. Although there are no cases of sexually transferred hepC, it would always take caution to prevent blood-blood contact between partners and with your children. Only condoms protect against STDs, but even those have no place in the prevention of hepB&C transmission between partners.

When a woman goes to her gynecologist to seek advice, she delegates the power to make that particular decision to the gynecolohist, in most cases.

What appears to be the situation is that you have read more into things than that poster had intended. Advice is advice. A patient can take it or leave it. She even has the option of changing her gyne. No doctor here is forcing any woman to coceive.

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Salam Sisters:)

I'm a bit late in joining this thread, but I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to read all of your postings...

When I reverted to Islam, back in 1984, my husband told me that contraception is 'haram'. I was so shocked to hear this! Then he went on to elaborate, saying that, you must have a 'nia' (intention) that the use of contraception is to only 'postpone' the arrival of babies and not to 'prevent' their arrival... He told me that HIS OPINION/APPROVAL is a MUST! He also said that physical forms of contraception are never permissible (condoms, IUDs). We did not use contraception, and, to be honest, at that stage in the marriage, it wasn't an issue - I wanted to become a mum, so....

The next step....

I went on to become a mum 6 times over, using the pill between babies, the only form of contraception my husband would approve of. I dearly love my kids (2 out of the 6 were 'surprise' babies...:) ) but, after the still-birth of my 6th baby, I honestly felt I couldn't face another pregancy and so, started using contraception secretly... Why secretly? Because my husband expected me to have another child, to replace the son who didn't survive (arab mentality.... his family also made their feelings clear on the subject!) A friend would purchase the pills for me... After a year, I came clean and told my husband. I explained my feelings. He wasn't happy at all and said that Allah would punish me for this. I was hoping for more emotional support, but didn't get it... I continued to use the pill for a number of years (it stopped being a debateable issue with my husband), until my gynaecologist told me I MUST stop (age!). Here is where the problems really began.

Now I'm middle-aged (approaching 50), and contraception is STILL an issue! I'm too old for the pill now, and I worry about conceiving for a 7th time... The kids have grown up, my oldest son will marry later this year, inshallah, and my husband insists that, at my age, the chances of pregnancy are low... Without revealing too much, I feel he (!) takes too many chances. I'm not menopausal yet, no symptoms at all... so, I guess there is still a good risk of pregnancy. I'm slim-built and generally fit and healthy, alhamduleelah.

I am too embarrassed to ask a scholar's advice on the subject. My gnynaecologist said 'Trust Allah'... My husband says, Trust Allah!.. Having had 2 unplanned pregnancies and a still-born baby, I feel I need to DO something to prevent another pregnancy...(oh, I know that sounds so bad...)

My 'nia' now, is not to 'delay' the arrival of a baby.. Honestly. I feel I need reliable contraception but my husband won't agree. I've argued that my psychological well-being has to be a concern, as well as my physical well-being. I mean, I'm no chicken now... but in this part of the world, age is irrelevant! I feel so anxious about this!

I'd appreciate any advice from sisters.

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Salam Sisters:)

I'm a bit late in joining this thread, but I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to read all of your postings...

When I reverted to Islam, back in 1984, my husband told me that contraception is 'haram'. I was so shocked to hear this! Then he went on to elaborate, saying that, you must have a 'nia' (intention) that the use of contraception is to only 'postpone' the arrival of babies and not to 'prevent' their arrival... He told me that HIS OPINION/APPROVAL is a MUST! He also said that physical forms of contraception are never permissible (condoms, IUDs). We did not use contraception, and, to be honest, at that stage in the marriage, it wasn't an issue - I wanted to become a mum, so....

The next step....

I went on to become a mum 6 times over, using the pill between babies, the only form of contraception my husband would approve of. I dearly love my kids (2 out of the 6 were 'surprise' babies...:) ) but, after the still-birth of my 6th baby, I honestly felt I couldn't face another pregancy and so, started using contraception secretly... Why secretly? Because my husband expected me to have another child, to replace the son who didn't survive (arab mentality.... his family also made their feelings clear on the subject!) A friend would purchase the pills for me... After a year, I came clean and told my husband. I explained my feelings. He wasn't happy at all and said that Allah would punish me for this. I was hoping for more emotional support, but didn't get it... I continued to use the pill for a number of years (it stopped being a debateable issue with my husband), until my gynaecologist told me I MUST stop (age!). Here is where the problems really began.

Now I'm middle-aged (approaching 50), and contraception is STILL an issue! I'm too old for the pill now, and I worry about conceiving for a 7th time... The kids have grown up, my oldest son will marry later this year, inshallah, and my husband insists that, at my age, the chances of pregnancy are low... Without revealing too much, I feel he (!) takes too many chances. I'm not menopausal yet, no symptoms at all... so, I guess there is still a good risk of pregnancy. I'm slim-built and generally fit and healthy, alhamduleelah.

I am too embarrassed to ask a scholar's advice on the subject. My gnynaecologist said 'Trust Allah'... My husband says, Trust Allah!.. Having had 2 unplanned pregnancies and a still-born baby, I feel I need to DO something to prevent another pregnancy...(oh, I know that sounds so bad...)

My 'nia' now, is not to 'delay' the arrival of a baby.. Honestly. I feel I need reliable contraception but my husband won't agree. I've argued that my psychological well-being has to be a concern, as well as my physical well-being. I mean, I'm no chicken now... but in this part of the world, age is irrelevant! I feel so anxious about this!

I'd appreciate any advice from sisters.

Salam,

Why don't use spiral sis? I heard that its a really good method for some women. My mother used it for 5 years and she didn't have any problem with it during that time. Anyway, i think the chances to get pregnant in later age are different for every woman. My mother doesn't use any contraception in the time being which worries me and my sisters because we don't want another siblings in the family LOL. :angel: But so far she doesn't get pregnant and i hope it stays like that. However her older sister, which maybe 45-47 (im not sure how old she is) years old, got pregnant one year back. And she has a grandson which is about the same age as his youngest son lol.

I have a little understanding about what's a good contraception actually. But i know i wont use pills because it's just scary too me to eat pills when you're not actually sick. My aunt gained lots of weight with pills, and if you don't drink it regularly you're likely to get pregnant...

just google a bit i think you'll find the answer :)

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Salam,

Why don't use spiral sis? I heard that its a really good method for some women. My mother used it for 5 years and she didn't have any problem with it during that time. Anyway, i think the chances to get pregnant in later age are different for every woman. My mother doesn't use any contraception in the time being which worries me and my sisters because we don't want another siblings in the family LOL. :angel: But so far she doesn't get pregnant and i hope it stays like that. However her older sister, which maybe 45-47 (im not sure how old she is) years old, got pregnant one year back. And she has a grandson which is about the same age as his youngest son lol.

I have a little understanding about what's a good contraception actually. But i know i wont use pills because it's just scary too me to eat pills when you're not actually sick. My aunt gained lots of weight with pills, and if you don't drink it regularly you're likely to get pregnant...

just google a bit i think you'll find the answer :)

Thanks Sis:)

I've never heard of 'spiral', but I'll certainly take your advice and Google it (never thought of that, actually)..

I didn't like taking the pills, but my husband was so adamant that that was the only halal contraception! (2 'surpise' babies too, isn't a very good advert for them either!)

I laughed at the idea of you worrying that your mum might get pregnant... I don't know if my children ever think about that! My youngest is 11, and he sometimes says it would be nice to have a 'wee baby' in the house.... We laugh at the idea, but maybe his older brothers and sisters secretly worry about me having a wee baby, just like you worry about your mum:)

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salaam

pills have a lot of potential side effects that often go undiscussed. if you research you can find out about them. for example, one side effect that has been known to happen is loss of vision. that is to say, your vision goes from say 20 20 to 20 200 in a couple years. i know someone very closely that that happened to. i don't know if it is due to lack of vitamin absorption or what. they have a lot of other effects on your body. a lot of women report hair loss and so forth while using them. they tend to make the body more sensative to other substances such as caffiene. on the other hand, they tend to have some beneficial effects too such as reducing cramping, clearing up acne, and, well, the original purpose, contraception... but do research first to make sure it is worth it.

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Thanks Sis:)

I've never heard of 'spiral', but I'll certainly take your advice and Google it (never thought of that, actually)..

I didn't like taking the pills, but my husband was so adamant that that was the only halal contraception! (2 'surpise' babies too, isn't a very good advert for them either!)

I laughed at the idea of you worrying that your mum might get pregnant... I don't know if my children ever think about that! My youngest is 11, and he sometimes says it would be nice to have a 'wee baby' in the house.... We laugh at the idea, but maybe his older brothers and sisters secretly worry about me having a wee baby, just like you worry about your mum:)

My mum is actually 43 years old, and my youngest sister is about 10 years old. The reason we doesnt want another addition in the family is that my mother already has 6 LOL, its just too much. I told my mother that she should just focussing on raising the rest of the kids, cus they're growing up now, a new baby will just too much :squeez: but i actually know that she doesn't mind having another one :dry: for me, i dont understand why many women likes having babies. It takes too much responsibilities..

Funny thing is that my mum told me that she didn't want to have many children either, but my dad was also against contraception. He's sunni and they believe that its haraam i think. But anyway, they have this types of fruit of which if you eat it, your uterus/eggs will be dry and you wont be able to have babies anymore, so my mum had one with one of her friend and it only worked on her friend. She doesn't have any other child kid until now even when she wanted to.

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salaam

pills have a lot of potential side effects that often go undiscussed. if you research you can find out about them. for example, one side effect that has been known to happen is loss of vision. that is to say, your vision goes from say 20 20 to 20 200 in a couple years. i know someone very closely that that happened to. i don't know if it is due to lack of vitamin absorption or what. they have a lot of other effects on your body. a lot of women report hair loss and so forth while using them. they tend to make the body more sensative to other substances such as caffiene. on the other hand, they tend to have some beneficial effects too such as reducing cramping, clearing up acne, and, well, the original purpose, contraception... but do research first to make sure it is worth it.

Wow, i didnt know that the side effect was so much. I read the other day that it raises the chances of getting breast cancer. I have never trusted pills anyway :shaytan:. The funny thing is that when i told it to some of my classmates they immediately say that its not true. They said the new pills are really safe and you're not going to get any side effect from it. Well, both of them are a bit fleshy.. i mean no offense but they werent like that few years back.. so i guess its true eh..

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My mum is actually 43 years old, and my youngest sister is about 10 years old. The reason we doesnt want another addition in the family is that my mother already has 6 LOL, its just too much. I told my mother that she should just focussing on raising the rest of the kids, cus they're growing up now, a new baby will just too much :squeez: but i actually know that she doesn't mind having another one :dry: for me, i dont understand why many women likes having babies. It takes too much responsibilities..

Funny thing is that my mum told me that she didn't want to have many children either, but my dad was also against contraception. He's sunni and they believe that its haraam i think. But anyway, they have this types of fruit of which if you eat it, your uterus/eggs will be dry and you wont be able to have babies anymore, so my mum had one with one of her friend and it only worked on her friend. She doesn't have any other child kid until now even when she wanted to.

You know, I've always loved children - even when I was in primary school, I would hurry home to go in to my neighbour's house to play with the baby!!! I think my mum was worried that some day I might go and get pregnant, just so I could have a baby to play with...

I have a very strong maternal instinct, and that is also part of the reason I went in to teaching. To work with children is a blessing, if only more teachers would see it that way.

I'm older than your mum... a few years older, but enough to make a difference. While I love children, I really don't think it would be fair for me to bring a baby into the world at this age... I already have back problems and a bad knee, from a fall... I'm not even physically able to roll about on the floor with a baby, or to throw it up in the air as I used to with my children.... and, boy, do I need my sleep these days.... the thought of having to get up throughout the night simply doesn't appeal to me....

I think my own mum would have a heart attack too if I were to have another baby!!! She thought I was crazy having 6, like your mum.... it seemed that every time I saw her, I was either pregnant, nursing, or carrying a toddler.... I was out of shape for many years... and you're so right... it is a lot of responsibility and absolutely exhausting work! Now, at almost 50, I've finally got my body back!! lol (and they're starting to look after ME now... no, no, mum I"ll carry that..... sit down, mum... I'll get it for you.... want a cup of tea, mum? They're spoiling me...

When I first got married, I thought I might actually have more than 6... My mother-in-law had 15, so I was kinda worried that my husband might see me in the same light!,,, lol I don't care what anyone says, to raise children properly, you have to have time for them! The more you have, the less time you have for them as individuals. So many parents use tvs as babysitters and don't take the role of parenting seriously, I think.

No, I think I'd rather wait for grandchildren, to satisfy my maternal instinct now...

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IUD is recommended for older women. Would the husband even know it is there? :donno:

From what I've read about IUD's, they're not halal. They cause spontaneous abortion. Aparently the foetus begins to form, and is pierced by the 'hook', to miscarry the foetus...I'm pretty sure that's what I read, but if anyone can clarify further, I'd appreciate it.

The other thing is - doing things behind hubby's back..... now, that's not halal either....

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Yes, but the husband (in Shia Islam anyway) can't tell the woman that she MUST have a baby. As I understand it, this is for the woman to decide. I certainly wouldn't recommend sneaking and doing anything, but can't you just tell him that you are doing it, then not discuss it anymore? I'm no scholar, but I've never read that contraception is haram. And the way IUD was explained to me is it prevents implantation by causing an irritation to the uterine lining. Some people consider a fertilized egg to be a child, and other people don't, but the official Islamic viewpoint, as I understand it, is the embryo becomes a person with a soul around the fourth month.

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You know, I've always loved children - even when I was in primary school, I would hurry home to go in to my neighbour's house to play with the baby!!! I think my mum was worried that some day I might go and get pregnant, just so I could have a baby to play with...

I have a very strong maternal instinct, and that is also part of the reason I went in to teaching. To work with children is a blessing, if only more teachers would see it that way.

I'm older than your mum... a few years older, but enough to make a difference. While I love children, I really don't think it would be fair for me to bring a baby into the world at this age... I already have back problems and a bad knee, from a fall... I'm not even physically able to roll about on the floor with a baby, or to throw it up in the air as I used to with my children.... and, boy, do I need my sleep these days.... the thought of having to get up throughout the night simply doesn't appeal to me....

I think my own mum would have a heart attack too if I were to have another baby!!! She thought I was crazy having 6, like your mum.... it seemed that every time I saw her, I was either pregnant, nursing, or carrying a toddler.... I was out of shape for many years... and you're so right... it is a lot of responsibility and absolutely exhausting work! Now, at almost 50, I've finally got my body back!! lol (and they're starting to look after ME now... no, no, mum I"ll carry that..... sit down, mum... I'll get it for you.... want a cup of tea, mum? They're spoiling me...

When I first got married, I thought I might actually have more than 6... My mother-in-law had 15, so I was kinda worried that my husband might see me in the same light!,,, lol I don't care what anyone says, to raise children properly, you have to have time for them! The more you have, the less time you have for them as individuals. So many parents use tvs as babysitters and don't take the role of parenting seriously, I think.

No, I think I'd rather wait for grandchildren, to satisfy my maternal instinct now...

My granma has 10 children or something :Hijabi: So i have many many aunts. I use to think its nice to have many children, since you can play with them and your home will never be empty but i guess im wrong. One day your children will grow up and leave you :squeez:.

I think the biggest responsiblity is that raising them to be a good muslim. And its very difficult here in the west, i am really really worried if my son have the wrong types of friends and get influenced by them. It's really2 hard to have a son, i see my brother growing up (hes now 15) and so many times i wished that he'll never grew up... he was so cute and nice when he was little. Now he's making my mother worried all the time:angry:.

My mum already has 2 grandsons, and my sister is having another one so i guess its enough for her. Having teenagers is a bit damaging to the heart since they keeps you worrying all the time and they could do crazy stuff sometimes:wacko: My little sister threatened my mother, she said if she having another baby then she wont helping to take care of the baby LOL, yeah it'll be a big problem, since my mother have full time job as a teacher and she left everyone of us in my grandma's care while she's working in the day.. :unsure:

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Umm A, most marja' say the woman has the final say in contraception. And if he's nearing his 50s too, I can hardly imagine he'd be up for another baby either.

You are medically no longer able to use OCs, and sterilization is considered haram by many, and you are looking for a reliable way not to conceive again. So if he's against the halal options such as IUDs (which indeed prevent implantation of the fertilized egg, which is considered a fundamental part of pregnancy: no pregnancy without implantation, so preventing implantation is preventing pregnancy) what's his suggestion... abstinence? Ask him: now what do you suggest then? I think an IUD is an excellent choice for you. Whether he notices would depend a bit. If it's placed properly and is not expulsed (which can happen in the first six weeks) he won't feel it. If it does get expulsed it the hard plastic end will sting him, if you know what I mean. There would be some thin threads hanging out of your cervix (for the purpose of removal), which his penis won't feel, but his hands might.

Anyways, better talk some sanity into him than risk a huge marital dispute.

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Umm A, most marja' say the woman has the final say in contraception. And if he's nearing his 50s too, I can hardly imagine he'd be up for another baby either.

You are medically no longer able to use OCs, and sterilization is considered haram by many, and you are looking for a reliable way not to conceive again. So if he's against the halal options such as IUDs (which indeed prevent implantation of the fertilized egg, which is considered a fundamental part of pregnancy: no pregnancy without implantation, so preventing implantation is preventing pregnancy) what's his suggestion... abstinence? Ask him: now what do you suggest then? I think an IUD is an excellent choice for you. Whether he notices would depend a bit. If it's placed properly and is not expulsed (which can happen in the first six weeks) he won't feel it. If it does get expulsed it the hard plastic end will sting him, if you know what I mean. There would be some thin threads hanging out of your cervix (for the purpose of removal), which his penis won't feel, but his hands might.

Anyways, better talk some sanity into him than risk a huge marital dispute.

Salam:)

Thank you so much for your informative reply:)

most marja' say the woman has the final say in contraception.

Well, that marital dispute might just take place after all.... that means he's been lying to me all these years!... You can't imagine the stress I felt after the death of my baby, when my husband refused to allow contraception,,, But are you SURE... I mean his father is a Scholar!...

And if he's nearing his 50s too, I can hardly imagine he'd be up for another baby either.

First of all, he’s a very ‘young’ 50 year-old... but although he's a good dad, I'd have to say that the little jobs required in the care of a baby were never really his concern:) He still ‘babys’ our 11-year old, if you know what I mean, tickling him, giving him ‘jaggy bosas’ ….which I find rather strange since our first-born by the age of 11 was supposed to be ‘a man’…. Honestly, I don’t think he would mind one little bit if we had another baby… He’s more than willing to pay the bills, but I’m the one who would suffer physically… (and in his family, it’s so very common for the women to be giving birth along with their daughters… I don’t know if this is a cultural thing,,, are they trying to prove that they still ‘can’ both the men and the women, I men.. My husband has a nephew 2 years younger than him and his brother has grandchildren the same age as his children!!)

what's his suggestion... abstinence?

Well, no…. not at all….(!) Natural methods, like counting the days after the period, timing ovulation, ‘withdrawal’ … but like I said, too many risks are being taken (if you know what I mean)..

If it does get expulsed it the hard plastic end will sting him, if you know what I mean.

OMG…. Are you serious?..... OUCH! He might curse me for that!

Anyways, better talk some sanity into him than risk a huge marital dispute.

Thanks so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it:) Inshallah we’ll sort it out.

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