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In the Name of God بسم الله

Ignorant Family

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  • Veteran Member

(bismillah)

(salam)

It was lunch, and so we were eating (me, mother, sis, sis in law and brother). My sister knew about my slight knowledge regarding "mutah," and told my mom how I was to young to understand it, and how it's all haram and wrong. My mom began staring at me very disappointed and said "Mutah! :realangery:, what is this about mutah? Do not mention that word. It's wrong to discuss this. Do not mention anything related to mutah anymore. We don't do this." I didn't know what to say but I began to explain to her how it wasn't haram, but halal and the sunnah of the prophet (pbuh)., but once again all of them were againist me and claimed I was being an idiot and wasn't religious at all. I began to tell them that fine I'm stupid and mutah is wrong, but does that mean our most knowledgable scholars (which they follow) don't know what their talking about. I mean, I just didn't know what to say anymore. They were all ignorant and such.

Then, my sister knew that they couldn't find good evidence to oppose my arguments and so she gradually changed the topic and decided to degrade my nature once again. She said how I was planning on doing mutah with this Egyptian girl (which is absolutely false). My mom got all mad and said you will only marry and iraqi girl and that all Egyptians, Pakis, Indians, etc aren't acceptable and how ALL the woman aren't religious and ignorants. So, I said you could then say the same thing about Iraqi woman. I explained how nationality doesn't matter, it's all about faith and religion. Marrying her based on her faith rather then nationality is what's crucial in Islam. They still didn't agree and claimed I must marry an Iraqi girl :rolleyes:. Sibhunallah at the way their intellect develops. Then, my sister shouted at me and threw a chicken leg, and so I told my mom "is this the type of woman you want me to marry, your daughter right here. I will never marry an insane Iraqi woman like her." So, then my mom was very upset and excessively angry at me for my behaviours and "nonsense." I told her how my sister began the arguments and how I tried resolving and explained how mutah and marriage in faith isn't something bad, but only ignorants and bias people think alike.

I just didn't know what to say/do anymore. Can someone please tell me what should I do? How could I try and explain to them if they will never understand me. Should I just ignore them and pretend I agree with them, cuz that's what they want. Please advise me.

P.S., don't get me wrong, my parents are very religious.

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  • Advanced Member

(bismillah)

(salam)

Oh my.. You are in a pretty tough situation there. I can say that you did well trying to explain them the right things, but if you notice that it doesn't work then just back--off that subject for awhile. Sometimes it's best for a person to be silent and set good examples for the ones they are surrounded by. Not always will explaining things to people take effect, it's all about different people. What you should do is maybe send a question to an someone very educated in Islam who can explain the things you are trying to tell your family in a more educated view. Don't worry I'm not calling you dumb lol. It's just that when you have the proof from someone very well respected and learned, ignorant people listen to them more I think. Also, don't think agreeing with them will help them. You have every right to stand up for what you believe, right? So don't let anyone influence your views when you have your own.

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(bismillah)

(salam)

Oh my.. You are in a pretty tough situation there. I can say that you did well trying to explain them the right things, but if you notice that it doesn't work then just back--off that subject for awhile. Sometimes it's best for a person to be silent and set good examples for the ones they are surrounded by. Not always will explaining things to people take effect, it's all about different people. What you should do is maybe send a question to an someone very educated in Islam who can explain the things you are trying to tell your family in a more educated view. Don't worry I'm not calling you dumb lol. It's just that when you have the proof from someone very well respected and learned, ignorant people listen to them more I think. Also, don't think agreeing with them will help them. You have every right to stand up for what you believe, right? So don't let anyone influence your views when you have your own.

(bismillah)

(salam)

I eventually decided to back off. My arguments were worth no point to them, and so there wasn't much to say then.

If I get someone educated to explain it to them, but dad would personally kill me. Anything with mutah, they act all wahabish and refuse to agree even if there is evidence in the Quran. Other then that, it isn't easy.

Of course I will never agree with their notions since it's so blinded and bias.

Edited by Wise Muslim
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You did good! played your part of explaining. It could be very hard bringing new concepts, in most cases religion is heavily intertwine with culture.

It's frustrating to see family being so ignorant - I am sure we've all been through it one way or other.

Perhaps try with more general topics first - Mutah can be very overwhelming, especially when the concept has been suppressed for decades.

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(salam)

It's not a good idea to argue with family even when you know you are right. After all they are your family and you dont win even if you win the argument. You made your point in the argument abt Muta and it wasnt neccessary to go into another war about Iraqi vs non-Iraqi women. It became personal...

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heheheheheh sah, my friend its just u have been raised in different culture ..I understand the situation very well and I lean ur mom and family ...man ur parents and family r of coures not against mutah or whatever but there r things called culture and family relationship and the way u talk when u r with the family ....I just laughed wallah how could u talk and bring up mutah subject in between family gathering and at lunch ..u crazy man ...I have to teach u alots abt iraqi culture and what is called in our dialect (usool) fundemantal. wallah u crazy man to talk abt mutah infront of ur mom ..don`t testa7y hehehehe u need me to teach u a lots of proper way of talking in (majalis) man not everything halal u can talk about , i`ll give u example

if u get married perminantly will u talk during family gathering how u spend ur night with ur wife heheheh not just cos its halal u have to talk abt , beside there is something in islam called hayaa even with ur own family ..yes u might discuss such things with ur dad cos he will understand what u mean more than ur mom .

also for example a girl can`t discuss her first peroid with her dad even if he was a doctor ,she probably talk abt with her mom or older sister ..this the proper way should be . now u might say but this isn`t personal thing and mutah is something in quran and sunnah ..i will simply tell u that cos it hasn`t been practiced explicitly among all muslim unnah and considered unacceptable by culture so better to keep it like personal better than get criticised by community .

if u need more abt usooleyat al-mojtam3 a3eraqi just consult me before make any stupid things lool still laughing ...how innocent u were!

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What are you saying?

What is bad about talking about mut'ah at lunch table? Is it also not allowed to talk about perm marriage at the lunch table?

Why can't a girl talk to her dad about her first period? What's the shame in a period? Shouldnt the father know when his daughter has had a period and when he is responsible to make sure she is takin care of her wajabat?

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(bismillah)

(salam)

I have dicussed the issue of mutah several times with my sister. She refuses and neglects mutah. My mom is afraid that I might do mutah with someone. But I still don't understand why she can't agree with me that's halal. I didn't say I wanted to perform mutah with anyone, unfortuntely, they think my slightest knowledge will allow me to pursue that.

Ahmed, it's not 3ab, even though I felt a bit embarassed after they claimed I desired mutah with this Egyptian girl. Ahmed, my dad is more open, but he still doesn't like to discuss any issue related with mutah.

About marrying an Iraqi woman, well I guess I have no choice. But, this isn't that there is anything wrong with that, but I just prefer a non-Iraqi. Culture shouldn't matter. Religion and faith should.

Thanks for the replies and advice.

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Lol, Sahib! "I just prefer a non-Iraqi. Culture shouldn't matter. Religion and faith should."

What is the difference between prefering an Iraqi and prefering a non-Iraqi?

Unless, of course, you have some specific person in mind.

I know, there is nothing wrong with Iraqi girls. But I just am more interested in marrying a non Iraqi girl. I mean this is my time to completely change my life and generation of sons., I want that extra spice in my life :D.

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Ok, well from the way you tell the story, it seems the main communication problem was that you lack tact. Also, its ok to argue with your sister, but not with your mother. If you disagree with your mother, state your point of view, then drop the subject.

I lack tact? Perhaps you could then teach me the skills in dealing with this difficult situation.

Edited by Wise Muslim
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I know, there is nothing wrong with Iraqi girls. But I just am more interested in marrying a non Iraqi girl. I mean this is my time to completely change my life and generation of sons., I want that extra spice in my life :D.

You want that extra spice in ur life?? go bungee jumping, skydiving :D it shall spice up ur life alright

Inshalla Kheir...until time will tell who you are going to marry.......dont put it in ur head u dont want to marry an iraqi girl...it will just drive u insane

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(salam)

Wise bro,

I guess, its easier to convince family members and claim such rights when we take responsibility and ownership i-e provide food on the table, be able to afford mum's or sister's ticket to Iraq ;) e.t.c e.t.c

Fi-Amanillah

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I think the best thing is not to stress to hard, wait untill you are ready for marriage and have the girl you want to marry. Then deal with your parents, by that time inshallah they will see her for what she is (inshallah) a good muslim girl and not her nationality.

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Your mother raised your sorry Iraqi self for about 12/19/25 years (depending on which of your fabricated hadith one chooses), and now you're whining because she doesn't want you to marry an Egyptian Sunni who you might know for a few months or a few years?

I don't blame her for discouraging mutah, seeing as most Shia use it as an alternative to imitating the Western lifestyle of dating.

Personally I think mutah is reserved for very specific occasions and should not be encouraged for casual sex and dating.

To answer your question:

-If you can find a nice non-Iraqi girl then you'll find a nice Iraqi girl too. If your mother doesn't want you to marry outside your nationality, then don't. If you do, then you're going to have to make a decision some day between married life and family life, and you'll have to either leave the girl or leave the mother.

-Your mother's not prepared to be educated on mutah by a teenager who's hormones are on the peak at the moment and who lives in a corrupt society where immodest women are easier to find than to miss. Note that many things are halal, but they don't all have to be done. I could get you a fatwa from a marja of your choice that it is halal to roll around in mud, but I doubt your mother would encourage you to do it.

-My advice: Parents cannot be replaced, and cannot be repaid for everything they have done. They do not live forever. Obey them, respect them, do not hurt them, as long as they aren't asking you to do anything wrong.

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(salam)

If you know that you're family is openminded then explain it to them. But when you're explaining it to them make sure your own arguments are Islamically valid (ie. sometimes people argue that something is halal in Islam when it is halal, but the reasons they use for it being halal are illogical and unislamic). Also, there is a certain etiquette and akhlaq for such discussion (ie. you will get frustrated with them but you need to be patient, explain it to them nicely, give them arguments that appeal to the particular person - one argument will appeal to someone while another argument will appeal to someone else - people are different, show that you yourself are openminded etc). I used to be very against mutah. My brother explained it to me really well and I accepted that he was right. But if you know that the person is close minded and will not budge with their views then do not even bother. For example, I can explain certain things to my brother because I know that he is openminded and he will accept but I usually wouldn't bother explaining it to my mother because she won't accept it.

wasalaam

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word.... i dont like mutah either, even if it is allowed, it should be used with extreme caution and poeple should try thier best to stay away from it since its such a controvercial matter. and as someone said, alot of peopel mis use is to substitute for fornication practices we witness all around the western world. I think even tohugh we consider it halal, it should be discouraged

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although you may be discussing an OK topic, be careful how you actually go about it, because at the end of it all, paradise is still under the feet of your mother.

the quran tells you ''And call unto them with wisdom and kindly exhortation..'' If you feel that this will not be possible, perhaps it is better to teach by other means. they may have very valid reasons for not understanding mutah (you cannot deny that it has been grossly misused by some, who do not view the sanctity of this institution ,but rather see it as a way of ''halalising'' whatever they want to do, not looking into all the implications and responsibilities).

You have yourself said that they are very religious, so I dont think it will be wise of you to put them in such a situation that you make them do wrong, or may end up arguing against valid islamic reasoning because your approach led to a bit of pride coming in (magnified by a deep fear of what it may be implying).

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(bismillah)

(salam)

I appreciate all the good replies - Jazkum Allah kheir :).

I will try to apply the advice and ideas next time this issue is raised. But I really doubt any change will take place - Allah Kareem.

Edited by Wise Muslim
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LOL

she threw a chicken leg at you?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:lol:

sorry, i know i am off on another tangient, but i cried laughing at the thread.

:lol:

(bismillah)

(salam)

Well, it was more funny when the Patriot posted and insisted next time I try catching the chicken leg with my mouth, but I claimed it was an insult, cuz I'm no dog, lol - so he deleted the post.

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LOL! :lol:

I did a double-take at the chicken leg part and definitely had to laugh about that. :)

But in terms of this interesting predicament...

With regards to mutah, I agree with much of what's been said already...

Mutah shouldn't be taken lightly and being that you are presumably a young marriageable man, long-term marriage prospects for you shouldn't be too hard to come by... Mutah should be preferable moreover in cases where long-term nikah isn't as attainable, or where sexual frustration starts to interfere with religious health.

In terms of the nationality issue...

You must admit, it sounds a bit silly that you want to open up your mind to other cultures, but close it off to your very own... You might want to build your case a bit stronger if you want it to hold water around concerned parents. On the other hand, if you find a truly religious mo'mina, it definitely shouldn't matter what her ethnicity is, because Islamically you aren't supposed to turn down a prospect like that. Wait until you have an actual catch on the line, then tell your parents in depth about her or introduce her if possible. Any loving parent inherently only wants the best for their child, and the concerns your parents are expressing are very practical... If they see that the girl of your choosing will truly be good for you in every respect, I'm sure they won't find reason to object after they've been given sufficient time and reason to consider. Be gentle and don't lose hope or patience; they're your parents & they love you.

Above all, have faith in Allah (SWT), and don't do anything rash. :)

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Chicken leg? I get sandals coming my way left, right n centre :cry:

:P

I only get slippers from dad, slaps from mom, unfortuntely chicken legs from sis, lol and oh boy, a WHOLLOTA punch's from bros.

Edited by Wise Muslim
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Gosh, you Arabs are lucky. You get immediate response.

When I was a kid, I used to get the frown and the dark cloud (whimpers), often followed by a calm and chilling "do you want your whipping now or after supper?" (shudders. . . . )

lool, pure western doctrines. I don't think that's is good enough to avoid our children from being morally corrupted.

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