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Found 2 results

  1. I come from a religious Shia Muslim family. Migrated to the west almost 40 years ago. I have 2 siblings. An older sister and a younger brother. Originally from Pakistan. My issue is my toxic family. I no longer know how to deal with them apart from just walking away. I'll give you some background so you know where i'm coming from. (this is a grain of sand in terms of everything i have experienced with him. the following is just to give a little bit of context) Growing up in the west as a 7 year old Pakistani Shia Muslim boy was an extremely lonely and confusing experience. I had to learn to survive in the new world i was placed into, on my own. I could speak the language, i didnt understand the local culture, i didnt know how to find the right balance between family, culture and religion and assimilating into the western society within the boundaries prescribed to be by Islam. My parents being the typical old fashioned mentality. They made no attempt at trying to assimilate into the society. They provided no support and understanding, as i navigated this new life, especially as i went through my teenage years. Verbal and physical abuse was common in our household. i recall when he hit me so hard with the cordless phone, it shattered. Sad part is, i was the only one receiving such beatings. That physical and verbal abuse has never left me. Over time, i became increasingly reserved, quiet. I used to work part time while i was in highschool and university. 100% of my earning would go to my father. I thought that was my duty as the oldest son, but what killed me was on numerous occasions, when i handed over all that i had earnt, he would just look at me with disappointment and say "is that all", mumble a few swear words and walk off. I felt so inadequate, so little, but there was nothing i could say or do about it, so day by day, week by week, month after month, year after year, i quietly accepted it all, thinking thats how its supposed to be, all the while, i was breaking inside little by little. i had no one to turn to, no friends to confide in, no elder to discuss this with for advice. Years passed by, and now i'm in Uni. I end up meeting a girl. Although i wasnt out there seeking a girlfriend or anything, the situation i ended up in, meant i should marry her. In the back of my mind, i knew this was the perfect opportunity to leave my house. Unfortunately i made a wrong decision. Whilst trying to get away from my own toxic family, i ended up in another toxic family and marriage (thats a long topic for another discussion). i endured marriage for 14 years, by which time i was a completely broken man. My physical and mental health was so bad, that if i did not leave, i could only think of 1 other way out. i chose to leave instead. Instead of running back to my parents house, i decided to live on my own, to heal. During this time, my parents continually pestered me to get married again asap. i kept saying no, but eventually i decided why not, but only when i have cleared my mind and i feel i am ready to move on. Months later after i felt much better, i told them i'm ready to marry a decent girl of their choosing this time. The first girl he said he feels i should get married to was his own younger brothers daughter. A brother he hated with a passion. i was confused. Why would he suggest the daughter of the man he hates more than anyone, and the reasons for his hatred are not entirely justified. nevertheless, i had never met this cousin of mine so i wanted to see her photos. I liked what i saw, but requested i be allowed to talk to her so i can get a better idea of what she wants, if we are on the same page. After a few discussions, we both decided we wanted to get married. And so it began. The journey to my second marriage. Less than a year later, i was in pakistan to tie the knot. We hit it off from the get go. She's an amazing human being. I was at a time in my life, where i literally had no hope of a future or to ever find happiness. I didnt trust anyone. But my wife somehow, slowly but surely mended by broken self and gave me direction in life. She became my confidant, my best friend. A very bubbly, friendly and nurturing human being. Just being around her is a blessing. Its been 5 years, and those feeling have deepened. Marrying her was the best decision i have ever made. Unfortunately the peace we give one another didnt last long. His mood on our wedding day was such that every person attending could see what was going on. He was having a silent war with his younger brother (now my father in law) and his entire family. He refused to take any pictures with them, and even the photos he took with me, it was clear, he was about to rip someones head off. we somehow survived the wedding. After i brought my wife home, immediately he started treating her like [Edited Out]. verbally abusing her for the fact she was his younger brothers daughter. i stopped it in the most respectful manner possible, but that encounter left my wife completely in shock. she boiled her eyes out the whole night. what followed was a series of death stares, rude comments and evil eyes towards my wife over the next few days. i felt helpless, embarrassed and pissd off. i could only say so much while being respectful. over the coming days we went out shopping and lunch. before leaving, he told her she'd be wear full hijab if she wants to live in this house, or else......he basically threatened her. while we were at the mall, her dupatta slightly slipped off and uncovered half her head. within a split second, he started shouting at her, in the mall, in front of everyone. she apologised, but he kept going and started crying. i was so pissed, humiliated and just plain dumbfounded at his behavior. later that day was the first time i had to sit both my parents down and espectfully told them, they cannot keep doing this. she is my wife and she does not deserve any of the behaviour he has shown towards her. he started yelling at me and threatening me "i dont give a F#$%^" "dont ever tell me what to do. i can do whatever i want, shes the daughter of my @#$%^ brother, so shes got the same khoon" etc etc etc. we had this back and forth for hours. End result. absolutely nothing. This was just the beginning. due to work, i had to leave pakistan and head back home and apply for her visa. this is when covid hit, so we had to stay apart. as soon as i had the opportunity, i flew to pakistan a year later, and the following couple of years. it took a total of 4 years for the visa to go through and be approved. even during this time, my wife made every effort to create a bond with my entire family and try and fit in. unfortunately, it was not to be. my father didnt even speak to her once during these years. on one occassion, my wife was really sick and hospitalised and i couldnt be there due to lockdowns, but i made sure she was well looked after and was in contact all day and night. many people within all our extended family either paid her a visit if they were there in pakistan or called and messaged if they were not, except that is, my family, my parents or my sister. So during the end of her recovery, she was desperately hoping to hear from my family, so she called them instead and spoke to my father. she spoke in a loving respectful manner as a daughter does. in a cute way as daughter do she said "i was so sick and in hospital for so long, and u didnt even call to check on me abbu"....what came out of my fathers mouth was a threat in stead of love and compassion "this is ur last warning, dont ever try to tell me what to do, or else" i am speechless by this point. how can anyone be so cruel to another human being, so absolutely no reason. i felt helpless, because my religion does not allow me to stand up to my father in any way other than with a lowered voice and respect. his mentality was and still is and i quote " i am the man of this house, you shut up and do what u r told, dont ever question me, dont ever talk back to me, i will do whatever the f#$%^ i want, understand!!!!!"....... my wife has now fell into deep depression on more than one occassion. i did my absolute best to make sure she is ok. patiently hoping for the visa to be approved so that we can be together. The day finally arrives. her visa is approved and within 2 months of approval we are united. finally. she moves in with my family. now that she was here, i spent the next year and a half trying to build the family bonds and get her the love and respect she deserved from the entire family. she didnt anything and everything to try to win them over. she looked after them, she took over alll the household chores, cooking, cleaning plus much much more. doing annything to take the burden of my parents. unfortunately my fathers attitude didnt change. he wouldnt respond to salams, he would ignore her, he was extremely rude in the way he spoke to her. this happened on numerous occassions. all the while i am constantly taking my parents aside and with love and respect, asked them to not do this anymore. she is my wife and is part of this family now, please do not treat her this way. i recieved the same response like every other time. over the course for about 5 years, i must have had 20 or more conversations with them. never crossed a line. soon my sister started to treat her the same way. verbally abusing her and blaming her for thing she herself did. my parents, without a second thought pointed fingers at my wife everytime. this especially happened when i was not there. my sister never apologised. instead she carried on her attacks towrds my wife, until 1 day, by chance my sister spoke to my wife like she was a piece of garbage and worthless, while i was there. something snapped in me. i immediately told my sister off and told her to never ever speak to my wife that way again, or we're gonna have a much bigger problem. my sister stormed off. my parents were also there and saw the whole thing. instead of consoling my wife, they ran after my sister to console her and blamed the whole thing on my wife. i couldnt do this anymore. i told all 3 of the off. in that moment, i realised, the respect i had for my parents, just went down the drain. my father, an apparently well respected peronality within the shia community and shows the world he is an extremely religious and rightious man, doesnt even follow the basics of the teachings of islam. my whole life i protected them even from my own thoughts from steering towards their true nature. he's an avid believer of imam ali and imam hussain and their teachings. (apparently). I also have read the nahjul balagah and books from the ahlulbayt. Although i am not perfect in any way or form. Infact, far from it. i try my upmost best to follow their teachings to the best of my abilities in my day to day life. regardles of how small the action may be. but on this occassion, its like something inside of me just broke and i told them off. the following week was spent not talking to my parents, but one fine day, my mmother decided to walk into the room in a fit of rage and started abusing and cursing me and especially my wife. i responded accordingly and she left. the following 2 months, we didnt speak to my parents or sister. they did their own thing and so did we. didnt come in each others way, until last night, when my mother decided to verbally attack my wife again out of nowhere, while she was cooking and cleaning the house. my wife was an absolute mess. crying her eyes out, walked out of the house to get some fresh air and calm down. something inside me broke again and i told my mother off pretty badly. i know what i did was wrong in so many ways and islam does not tolerate how i spoke to my parents these last couple of occassions. but my mental tolerance is gone. i am so mentally disturbed by their constant abuse over the years that i've become numb, and now they've done the same to my wife and they have zero remorse. my wife an i now suffer from panic attacks and severe anxiety, and other aspects of our health is going down hill. what i have shared here, is just a small portion of what has actually taken place. i can literally write a novel to explain it all. i know i will pay for my actions 1 day and am answerable to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), but what am i to do. can anyone out there help me. give me some advice on how i should approach this moving forward. what does islam say for my situation. what do the marjas say. anyone more knowledgeable than me in these matters, please help.
  2. First of all, my dad is what in our society (im from islamabad, pakistan) we'd call "religious". He prays five times a day, fasts, gives zakat, knows widely about the religion, and makes sure we know all of that. The part where he strays is that he believes my mom likes to show herself off, and likes the attention of other men. She can't do something as simple as taking a shower and going to work (teaching grade 1 students) the next day, without my dad thinking she's trying impress someone My mom has sacrificed her life for us, compromised for us (im the eldest daughter (17) , and i have three younger brothers (12,9,8)), because four years after the marriage he started showing his true colours. Btw, this was an arranged marriage, so none of that "maybe he feels like she'll love someone else". He's just an insecure man, with anger issues, who has never blamed himself for anything or openly apologised for the big arguments HE causes (not in the time ive been alive and been able to understand), thinks he knows best and there is no one better than him, doesn't have ANY real friends, and the one he does have, he constantlysays [Edited Out] about him to my mom, and then goes and places his world to the feet of this friend (btw this friend isnt alll that amazing either, but least he isnt a [Edited Out] bag like my dad( believe me i know)). when i was younger he used to physically abuse and hurt my mom, and he used to hit me too. he even went to saying that I also have a boyfriend when all i did was go upstairs to get a book (apparently there was some guy at the balcony opposite to our house, and i was " trying to communicate with him". i didnt take this lightly and raised voice and finger and started hitting me and dragged me down the stairs, and just like my nine year old self, i wanted to die and just kept repeating ' should have jusy killed me you ass' (this was two years ago). we had video camerasn around the house so mom opened them up, and showed i had done no such thing. he didnt apologise, he didnt even do anything to show remorse, instead justified everything from thefact that a raised my voise and held my finger up. a year ago, i was upset with him for another reason, and i told my mom. i told her to leave it that it was whatever, ill get over it. but she bought it up, and we got into an argument, and i do admit i shouldnt have misbehaved again (only verbally like raising my voice or rolling my eyes) but he got so aggressive and tried to slap me so i stopped him and threw his hand away,,, he went to the kitchen and got a knife , and all i could think agout was my mom cause she was trying to stop him and he kept saying "THIS IS WHY YOU SEE FATHERS KILLING THEIR DAUGHTERs ON THE NEWS" and "YOUVE TAAUGHT THEM NOTNHING YOUNSELFISH, USELESS, (swear word, more swear words, swearing at her family)". a couple a days ago, hes started fighting with her again even though its my international exams that make up my grade for my university. in the morning i woke up to my mom begging him to just stop cause he kept saying "i know what you do, i know your actions, i know your disgusting behaviour" (btw we know that this craziness is over once he just starts getting , ok? like it just dies down). as a child, id always step in, even get a few slaps if i had to to get in between him hurting her, but ive grown now and know my duties given to me by Allah, about respecting my parents, and getting in between ( my mom also keeps saying its just two more years, you'll be off to uni then and everything will be fine, and ' pls dont waste my sacrifices' everytime i want to interfere (hes threatened stopping me from studying several times). ever since i was small my dad has told me to aim for a scholarship because he knew more abput this stuff, but now i think, would he even let me leave the city let alone country to continue studies? hes rejected going to a psychologist, talking to anybody (he doesnt believe he has a problem, he thinks my moms the problem) about this, he says we make him angry and that before marriage he was never like this ( he has changed a lot in the sense that my mom and i can wear clothes like jeans but only with long shirts (my moms always worn a duppatta over her head (covers her hair)). cant get my dads side involved firstly, theyd love this. secondly, theyre all like this themselves. his sisters do burka andd all but theyre always free to go wherever whenever, meet whoever. they sometimes go ariund with this 'pir' (guy who does black magic) but if we point that out, all hell would brreak loose on us. (his sisters got married to two brothers, so same household). theyre background is from a not even respectable village, so i cant count on them. cant tell my moms side, they already have their own financial and family issues (my mom doesnt want us four to become a drama in our family, whatever that means cause like our house isnt already a drama). sometimes my mom gets so fed up, she says "MAY Allah TAKE ME SO YOU (my dad) CAN HAPPY AND MARRY ANOTHER WIFE" and now hes started saying " may he, so you burn in hell". he says all these other wives are so obedient and nice, but shes not. he says the money my mom brings in holds no value to him, even though she doesnt get to use it, he uses it all, our groceries and school fees are payed with it (oh and he hasnt had a job in years, sells plots and gets profit, but now none of that is working either so the 'no valued' monry shes been bringijng in since 6 years, is all that is coming into our house. hes in the world where Allah has made him the ' man' of this household, however he doesnt fulfill the duties and says my mom is the reason why there are no blessings in her house. he tells her to leaveher job, and says Allah will provide us with the money, that we'll be fine without hers (our fees are cut 75% short because of her, and we get house groceries, petrol for the car, and whatnot from her salary and our rent (which again is none of his own hardwork, our grandfather gave us this house)). i know this is very long, but please help me. ive thought about killing myself from the age of 7 to 14, i even used to self harm thinking if he saw me in the state hes put my mind in the pressure and the mistreatement (moms mistreatement is what gets to me, he doesnt do much to my brothers except for the middle one whom he thought wasnt his and rejected him emotionally for four years and now hes become habitual on scolding him the most, and my brother knows my dad rejects him the most but all he does is get upst over it). ive been so patient these pasts months, but ive had enough. this morning i walked in on them , half sleep, holding everything i could grab (like spray bottles, perfumes, my bloody mascara botle) to throw it at him because it seemed llike he was gonna get physical again. please help me, please please pplease
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