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Assalamu alaikum brothers+sisters. I have decided to seperate from a narcissistic abuser with my preschooler daughter. What is the Islamic way of moving out of 'his house' by which he means he pays for my roof. I live in North America and court divorce requires a minimum of a year of seperate housing and/or no physical relation. My patience has reach the tolerance limit and I can't stay a year with him in the same house. To give a background information, he is a Sunni and I married in taqiyyah since my parents (back in Asia) chose him for me as he was 'educated' and 'namazi'. I asked my Marja' beforehand to confirm that it is not obligatory to reveal beliefs for marriage. So I married with the intention for giving him Hidayah towards ahlul bait. But gradually, I had learnt that he is a bi-product of an abusive marriage with least respect for women. From time to time, we had fights regarding my sustenance and he believed that if I earn, I pay for expenses too. (I earn now because he had forcefully given my breastfeeding child to daycare since 'I am not capable of nurturing and raising her with values' and I feel deprived to stay home by myself. (My dream was to be an obedient housewife in a house filled with children of different ages but he wants go me to earn so that he can save more money for buying a house (which I dont dream of having with him because of who he is). He currently earns enough to support 4 adults and a child without any much saving but he still sucks money out of my pocket although I earn about one-fourth of his income. I had filed a domestic violence case during my maternity leave and returned only thinking about our child. But right now, I am concerned about my child's mental and physical health (not to mention mine) as well as our safety. He verbally abuses me almost every single day and once tried to throw her in anger. He has no respect for me or my family and uses such foul language that prevents 40 days of prayers from acceptance (eg haramzaad (illegitimate woman) which accuses my chaste mother of aghastly sin of Zina!). Sometimes when the mental torture is excessive, I recite "Lanatullahi alal qowmiz zolimeen" from pain. Sometimes I also wish he was dead because of his misbehaviors which I know is a very bad thing to do as a wife. Last weekend I wrote an areeza (letter) to Imam e Zaman for protection of me and my child from his oppression along with recitation of Ziyarat e Ashura. And now I am feeling that I should leave. I need to know what is the Islamic ruling for leaving an abuser, if any. I am also willing to know if custody can be mine if the father is abusive and of deviated religious beliefs as Sunnism. My concern is also a hadith that forbids wife to leave husband's home without his permission even if he is an oppressor. I also want to know if he remains a guardian with physical rights during the one year of seperation or not. Because that is something I totally repel (although never once rejected since now,unless during hayidh) because of his lack of kindness, respect and love for me. Please share anything with reference to original text. Wassalam. [TO EVERY SINGLE MUHIBBEEN OF AHLUL BAYT, PLEASE NEVER MARRY ANYONE FROM TASANNU. BECAUSE THEY ARE A PART OF THE LANAT OF ZIYARAT E ASHURA.]
Need advice. I'm a 20 year old girl from Pennsylvania. Currently working on my Poli Sci degree, I have about 2 years left but I dont think Ill make it that long. I dont think I cant handle living with my family anymore. I am really sick and tired of my life style here. They disrespect me constantly, dislike me, think im a [Edited Out] (mind you ive never done anything behind their backs or been with any guy), their always fighting even for the simplest thing. This lifestyle is so toxic, I am literally so exhausted from my life they make me HATE it. I understand they been through alot of [Edited Out], but that doesn't give them the right to make my life a living hell and make my life horrible just because theirs was. They are tempered and angry and I cant even have a civilized conversation with them because of how tempered and disrespectful they are. There is absolutely no trust between us, mostly because I have an older sister who made some mistakes when she was younger and now my parents dislike/distrust me because of her. I cant do anything they are so strict and im getting fed up. I literally cant even study in a library on campus to long. One time I got accused of not being a virgin because I was hanging with my two friends ( there was no guys, we were just chillin by the river) in the forest of our campus. I have tried alot with them but at this point I dont give a damn about anyone in my family anymore. This year I really distanced myself from my parents, I understand islam teaches us to love and keep contact with our parents, but I cannot see a future with such toxic disgusting hateful people. If they were respectful, and treated me better, and trusted me I would do anything for them and stay. But my younger brother who is 4 years old, gets more respect than me. its unbelievable. This is not a life worth living, constantly being told what to do and im 20, no trust no respect nothing and I am SICK and tired of being called a [Edited Out] and [Edited Out] they tried to mentally [Edited Out] with my mind and try to make me believe im crazy and im a [Edited Out] finally after all this time i realized its THEM they are toxic and just like cancer I need to cut them out before it kills me. I want to completely leave and start a new life, leave behind all the bad memories. Do you think it will eventually backfire on me if I just up and leave suddenly one day without telling them? I hate saying it but its come to the point where I literally cannot stand them, I spend almost every night crying for hours wishing for death- literally thats all Ive been praying for since I was younger. The only thing that stopped me from leaving years ago was my baby brothers I love them so much. I dont understand my "parents", what hurts me most is they dont even realize how much pain they caused, not once do they own up to problems or admit their wrong. They dont act their age and take responsibility for problems instead they blame it on us just like how they blamed my sisters mistake on me when i was only 14. And another thing that hurts me is how my mother goes against me when I stand up for her when my dad gets angry, because I am a girl, they are soooooooooo sexist constantly cursing girls saying we should die. So what do I do, I havent gotten any sleep these past few weeks, they literally, LITERALLY make me so sad sometimes I cant even function. Should I leave now or should I wait till I graduate. Should I just up and leave one day or should I attempt to leave on good terms. As I said before, I love my family but I cant live like this anymore they are like a cancer.
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