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In the Name of God بسم الله
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salam alaykum! When i was a child I got abused by my father. He used to abuse my mother and siblings too. sometimes he would just leave me and my family for a long time, like a half year. He would go to our homeland, iraq. After some time we decided to move there. We lived there a year and then moved back. Time passed, he changed. He's not abusing me anymore. Not long time ago my brother started to abuse me. One time he even wanted too kill my mother, i know its crazy. He was out of he's mind. My mom did forgive him. But now we moved back to iraq. I really don't want to live here but i want a change. I used to pray but not all the time, its on and off. I was in a really dark place. No one was there for me not even my mother. Whenever I would tell her in tears that I'm feeling sad and she'd say "you are so unthankful go away". But after the years passed i started to sin. I lost my faith. I believed in Allah SWT of course but I wasn't really righteous or so. I've been suffering a lot. But after all this time I started to pray. I've become more righteous. But the thing is my mother, she always says something or does something to push me away. I'm so tired. I'm really trying to be good with her. I admit i'm not the perfect child. i have my mistakes. but It feels like she doesn't even love me, seriously. I feel very unloved in my family. Its not like i've been the devil or so hahah. I'm understanding to my parents, i don't get them upset, i don't get angry at them unlike my brother. He has never been understanding he has just been a huge pain in the ass but still they love him more. I'm not jealous i just want to know why? have i done something to make them hate me? whenever i ask them they say that they love me even more than my brother. I know its a lie, I'm not a fool. I'm just tired not having anyone by my side. and now when i've moved to iraq it just made things worse. I really want to move back. I'm just so tired, I'm exhausted. Seriously i wouldn't mind if someone would kill me and that makes me sick, because i should be grateful for breathing. I'm really trying to have patience. When i didn't pray i was really depressed and i felt empty but now I pray but still i feel exhausted but not depressed. Not like before. What should i do? can i even do anything? Is Allah trying to test my patience?
I’m writing this while I'm crying. I'm so tired.. I have always been this hopeful person, that always saw the good things in people, in situations, in everything, all that because of my faith. I believed that I had a strong faith, making always due, prays, doing my thing. Lately I’m just tired of everthing and everyone. I feel like im lost and doesn’t know what to do. Everything is just, blank.. The problems that I prayed for before (last years and the years before) aren’t gone. Things are just the same and even worse. I’m afraid of myself.. Afraid of losing my faith. Afraid of losing hope.. Feel like I don't have any hope anymore in life.. I'm hating myself for thinking like that. I feel guilty.. I shouldn’t think like that. But then I think about my life and my timeline, and wallah, I’m trying very hard to think about good things that happened in my life (for my family, sisters, brother, school, friends).. NOTHING! seriously nothing.. Is this life? Should it be like that, when every Islam always talks about happiness. Wallah I'm trying to be content with all the problems, and everything.. But.. I even tried to speak to the local sheikh here, but he wasn't of much help.. I hate the "why me", but always wondering, why is life so hard on me. And I know some of you will blame me and tell me to be patient. I've been patient since I was 13 years old, and now I'm 25 years old.. It’s so hard.
Whenever I sit down to study/revise, I always feel sleepy within 10 minutes! This has been going on for some time now, it's never happened to me before. Even if I am well rested, I will still feel this way. It's not anything to do with any of the subjects I take, I quite enjoy the subjects, I just always feel sleepy. What should I do to get rid of this? Is there any dua's/surah's that I can read that can help?
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