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I dont know how to say this. posting on a guest account for obvious reasons though. This is so hard to explain and write because what im feeling cannot be put in words. I need advice I know that this is morally and Islamiclly wrong but i have cut myself in the past (6 mnths ago i started, and it continued for about a month) and have attempted to commit suicide. (due to sexual assault but thats another story) I do not have these thoughts anymore (alhamdulilah, thanks to prayer and dua) but I still need advice on how to ensure that I will not try to kill myself again, and that I am safe from myself, and at least happy. Because I cannot remember the last time i was truly, truly happy. jazakum Allah Khayran.

Asalamualaikum, It takes a lot of me to write this so please don’t judge me. In July this year, a problem happened in my domestically violent family (mostly my dad). Ever since a child, when such things happen we are NOT allowed to inform any relatives or family friends because this will ruin our perfect family image and it is wrong to have outsiders interfere. My family all accused me of something I didn’t do. I defended myself, they beat me up, I ran to my room, they tried to open the door blah blah blah fml blah blah. I was so broken and hurt of their accusation I was crying to god to help me end this. These violent times make me so much terrified every time. Then I heard whispering and I crept to listen to find that it was all an act. This hurt so much I decided to end my life. Other things happened that led me to this decision and it wasn’t the idea of giving up, but freeing myself that led me to suicide. I overdosed on pills and went to sleep. I was ready to die. I didn’t care if I went to hell. I thought that I could negotiate and have my say with god more than I could with my family. He created me and he’s merciful. They’re not. They’re abusive. But...I woke up the next morning. Disappointed. They did something else that made me want to kill myself so I overdosed on another bottle of pills. I went to read Quran to distract myself of my aching stomach and to not vomit because bile kept rising. Then, I read Surah Al Haj and on Ayah 11. I decided to not die. This Ayah changed my life. It’s a long story on how but it did. I purged it all out and NEVER told my family or anyone about these two attempts. If I do, they will say that God is punishing me for being a bad person. I know it is haram to commit suicide but I still did try to. And why should I repent when I don’t feel sorry for trying to, but only saddened because I even had to consider and act on it? What should I do? I tried helplines and lifelines but they tell me my family isn’t safe to live with and I should report them, but I don’t want to do that. so, is what I did haram? Will I go to hell? What should I do?