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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Salam, I am a 22 year old male and I am at a dead end. I had my life under control for the most part but for the last year I have more or less failed as a person. Sexual frustration for me was something I accepted long ago and just lived with it until this year. My desire has reached an all time high to the point where even in Ramadan where I was fasting and reading Quran it would occupy my mind. Fasting no longer works for me because I have fasted for most days since I turned 20, I have no female friends and I always lower my gaze and I go to the gym very late to avoid seeing any females and use up energy. I couldn't study this year because it occupied my mind 24/7 and I didn't do well at all at university. I have become a sex addict when I have never even had sex before. I try so so hard but It's drained the life out of me. Every now and then I look at something unlawful because my brain and body just cant resist. I spoke to my parents about marriage but they said no I need to finish my studies first. I thought about not listening to them since I don't have to in this matter but I have years left at university with no money and a part time job in the weekend that gives me enough money to eat. Also from what others told me and me being logical, no one will give up their daughters to a guy in my situation (basically jobless, no money and lives of student loan in a small room). My family is also poor and they cant pay for the costs of me getting married which will cost me £10000+ (from all my friends that got married, £10000 was the cheapest), even if it was cheaper it has to be all me. Also I don't know a single family who will give their daughter in mutah... During my summer holiday and Ramadan I spent it sleeping because I can't focus on anything while I am awake and I fear breaking my fast with self pleasure. I tried to stay around good company and going to the mosque but literally nothing works. I tried lectures, books, etc but nothing. So is this frustration really worth it. Is there a great sin for doing something considered haram just so I can live a semi-normal life? I cant imagine surviving for the next 5/10 years like this until I finish uni, get money and then find a spouse, I would become a horrible person with all the frustration and thoughts. It's already worrying now. Also is it really good for one to be tested with this desire to the extent that I can't function properly? Many hadiths (and ayats) emphasise the struggle of this desire but I'm at the point where it hurts and I am failing, extremely frustrated and angry at people all the time (mostly family). What can I do, am I missing another option, technique, method or whatever? I really don't want to go hell but I dont know how long I can go on for, definitely not years..
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