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SALAAM PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST AND UNTIL THE LAST FULL STOP. SUSPEND JUDGEMENT OF THE TITLE.: I BELIEVE CONSERVATIVE-LIBERTARINISM IS THE WAY IN THE MODERN WORLD. HERE'S WHY: Libertarian Islam by S. Hammad Haider | Feb 12, 2017 A commonly used epithet to describe Islam is ‘The Religion of Peace,’ but this is inaccurate and confusing. The phrase became more commonly used after 9/11 by politicians. The Quran never describes the faith in these terms. It is more accurate to describe Islam as a religion of non-aggression and justice. The Non-aggression principle (NAP) is considered to be a defining principle of libertarianism. Many libertarians today like to bend, or flat out break this principle, however, a Muslim can be a Rothbardian libertarian, like Ron Paul, who manages to encompass economic and sociological theories while using the NAP as an axiom. Libertarians who want to learn more about the NAP are blessed to have the many resources such as the Libertarian Institute, the Scott Horton Show and the Ron Paul Liberty Report. The other day I found some time to listen to one episode of the latter. Afterward, the live chat feature remains open, where many libertarians sing praises for Dr. Paul. To my surprise, in the live chat, there were many libertarians or those who call themselves libertarian, who rejected the NAP! If libertarians are wavering on the NAP, then how can a Muslim, who is supposedly in an inherently aggressive religion, adopt this principle? Again, there are many resources available to libertarians who want to better understand how Muslims can adopt libertarian ideals. Dr. Imad-ad-Dean Ahmad is a scholar and libertarian activist who ran for US Senate as the Libertarian Party candidate. He is currently the President of the Minaret Freedom Institute, a libertarian Muslim think tank. I urge those who want to know more about Islam and libertarianism to read his publications. Furthermore, the roots of Muslim libertarianism are historically much deeper. Dr. Denise Spellberg, an associate professor in the Department of History, at the University of Texas-Austin has a fascinating interview online about her book on Thomas Jefferson’s Quran. She explains that Jefferson saw a place for Muslims in his free society through the writings of John Locke: “Neither pagan nor Mahometan,” meaning Muslim, “nor Jew ought to be excluded from the rights of the commonwealth because of his religion.” It may also be a surprise to some readers that Muslims have a rich tradition of secularism. According to the International Humanist and Ethical Union, the father of secularism is the influential Muslim philosopher Ibn Rushd, also known as Averroes. In his work The Decisive Treatise he provided the justification for the separation of state and religion. Dr. Gary Adler Jr., an associate professor at Penn State University, summarized Ibn Rushd’s secularism in his book on Secularism, Catholicism and the Future of Public life: “In other words, secularism can be seen as an instrument of the Divine, ensuring that the righteous Muslim would be wise in matters affecting them on earth in the same way as the Quran ensures his correct path with respect to matters eternal.” (Secularism, Catholicism and the Future of Public life Adler; p.86). The Prophet Muhammad himself can be an example of the NAP in practice. Imam Tahir ul-Qadri, the scholar who controversially issued a 600-page fatwa against terrorism and suicide bombing, spoke to the United States Institute of Peace about the life of the Prophet. According to Qadri, the Prophet of Islam had a military career for thirteen years, and he only fought back any aggression imposed on him by the enemy. The scholar summarized five verses in the Holy Quran, Islam’s holy book, which mentions ‘self-defense,’ was revealed to the Prophet in the city of Mecca. He believes the word ‘Jihad’ to have many meanings but in a military context as a ‘defensive war’. Jihad, he maintained, is not an aggression, rather it represents self-protection according to the Quran. Ron Paul, a champion of the NAP and libertarianism, echoes this idea of defensive wars, by consistently clarifying his position of non-interventionism, not isolationism. If you have read this far you may assume that I am a typical Muslim apologist. My intention is not to be an apologist, but to offer you a line of reasoning which allows Muslims to fully adopt the NAP. That said, as a believer in the NAP, I fully condemn all forms of terrorism including that from radical Muslims. The Islamic State is led by Sunni Muslims who follow a radical interpretation of Sunnism in order to feed their aspirations. These radical interpretations are rooted in The Ridda Wars conducted after the death of Prophet Muhammad and in the writings of Sunni thinkers Ibn Taymiyah and Abdul Wahab. The Ridda Wars, or Apostasy Wars, were a bloody and influential innovation in the name of Islam, especially from a libertarian perspective. Many libertarians believe in a voluntary tax system, whereby the citizenry can hold the state accountable. Well, in 7th century Arabia, the Prophet Muhammad held a voluntary tax system, and never fought a war for taxes. This took a drastic change after his death when the Islamic empire began to spread by the sword. The beginning of this evil expansion is exemplified in the Ridda Wars, where the first caliph implemented the first statutory taxes. The caliph mandated that anyone who did not recognize his leadership, and held back taxes in opposition to this authority, was an apostate, and an enemy of the state. This began the killings for Apostasy, and taxes, which were never conducted under the leadership of Prophet Muhammad (Sunan an-Nasa’i volume 5, Book 37, Hadith 3978, Eng. Ed., Sahih Darussalam). Ibn Taymiyah and Abdul Wahab aimed to give an academic relevance to this form of terrorism against apostates. Richard Bonney was a History Professor at the University of Leicester, and he wrote the book titled Jihad: Quran to Bin Laden. In his book, he describes Ibn Taymiyah and Abdul Wahab as the inspiration for Osama bin Laden: “Ibn Taymiyah thus should be seen as a revivalist of the doctrine of jihad…His fatwa regarding the Mongols established a precedent: in spite of their claim to be Muslims, their failure to implement shariah rendered the Mongols apostates and hence the lawful object of jihad. Muslim citizens thus had the right, indeed duty, to revolt against them, to wage jihad. For Osama bin Laden, Ibn Taymiyah, along with Shaykh Muhammad Ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab, is one of the great authorities to be cited to justify the kind of indiscriminate resort to violence which he terms jihad (Jihad: Quran to Bin Laden Bonney; p.121-2). Libertarian Islam is an oxymoron under the violent interpretations of Sunnism, but all major religions have a history of violent and peaceful interpretations. This gives an added importance to Muslims, and fellow libertarians, to use the NAP as a foundational principle. A principle of non-aggression can have the power to unite people. Libertarianism in its purest form has a profound attraction to people of all backgrounds, and I am proud to call myself an American libertarian Muslim. Like many Americans, I am a small business owner, a husband, and a father of two young girls. Yes, I do sport a full beard and my wife wears a headscarf. Yet we still attended the Republican caucuses and proudly wrote in Ron Paul as our vote for president in 2012, not only due to Dr. Paul’s unwavering NAP-based philosophy but due to our belief in wholly American ideals. Freedom of religion is an important part of our society, and if we want American libertarianism to triumph then we should trust our ideals. Scott Horton, a founder of the Libertarian Institute, summarized it best on his podcast. He described the difficulties we will face if we reject Muslims based on their faith, and do not give them a place in our society, as envisioned by John Locke and Thomas Jefferson: “The Islamic state has been saying ‘see fellow Muslims, the Westerners, the Christians, and the Jews, they hate us and they will always hate us. We have no place in the west!’ In other words, pushing for a clash of civilizations that they need because War is the health of the (Islamic) state… Instead of (the Trump administration) arguing that, oh yeah, we believe in the enlightenment and freedom of religion… Muslims absolutely have a place in our society, plenty of places in our society… instead this (immigration) policy plays into the hands of those on the other side.” Salam Ya Ali Madad

Read the Reddit comments to understand what the thread was about, since the post has since been deleted. ....................................................................................... I'm so tired of the utterly nonsensical and VERY COMMON Sunni notion of 'I am happy to seek unity with Shias as long as they don't curse/insult/abuse any Sahaba, and especially NOT Aisha, Abu Bakr, Omar, Uthman. Firstly, any Shia claim regarding the sahabi that happens to go against the Sunni narrative is considered insulting. Secondly, and more importantly, is that the same notion is true for Shias... You are insulting the Ahlul Bayt by not accepting them as divinely appointed leaders of Allah, and infallible individuals, and perfect preservers of the religion of Islam, and a high means of seeking closeness to Allah (intercession). Not only are you insulting revered Shia figures by not following them, you are commiting MAJOR shirk by giving a false attribute to Allah, by saying that Allah has not always appointed an infallible leader on this Earth, and that there currently isn't an infallible leader. Furthermore, the real kicker is that plenty of revered Shia figures, such as Abu Talib (رضي الله عنه), are considered kuffar by Sunnis. Is this not insulting? So, how can we Shias unite with Sunnis based on their own fallacious logic? Shias are the minority, and Sunnis are the majority. It makes Sunnis think that they are Orthodox and that they have to unite with Heterodox for political and humanitarian reasons, and that Shias must make [ridiculous] compromises. Shias are far more receptive to the unity message, because we actually understand Sunni Islam, and can see the commonalities. We understand that we can't make Sunnis compromise on their beliefs. Simply by being the minority within Islam, by nature we Shias already understand Sunni beliefs, whereas Sunnis have a basic strawman understanding of Shia beliefs... which is natural, considering that they are the majority. Anyways, the point of my post is the following: Let's compile a list of revered Shia figures that are not given their proper status by Sunnis, according to Shia Islam... with an explanation given. ...This is to show that we Shias and Sunnis can unite, but we cannot unite upon revered figures and imamah. ...This will also serve as a way of showing Sunnis that this argument of theirs makes no sense. Another important question we may ask is "What about commonly revered figures like Imam Ali (عليه السلام) who is given different status in both sects? Can we unite upon Imam Ali (عليه السلام)?" ...a common Sunni criticism of political unity is that "Ali ibn Abi Talib (رضي الله عنه) is given an improper status in Shia religion because they call upon him... tawassul (intercession) of the 'dead' is Shirk! So there is absolutely no room for unity since we can't even agree on the status of the sahabi" [yes, I am aware that the Imams (عليه السلام) are still alive, but Sunnis don't believe this...] I would love to hear your thoughts. Wassalam. JazakAllah Khair. Fi sabilillah.

http://quran.al-islam.org/ ***** It does not say Mercy Only for Muslims, or Believers. What is your plan to introduce the Mercy to the Worlds in today's Language ...Let me give you a hint, ethical, moral,-- social & political sciences departments in Universities around the world will have to revise their curriculum. unUnited (Tribes) Nations will revise its charter and replace it. Only if, Muslims can articulate and introduce the real Muhammad Al- Mustafa (peace be upon him and his pure progeny). Your Thoughts?

Is it fair to say that Shias are the people and political movements in the Middle east that are keeping the Ummah from falling apart?

Absolute Monarchy The king has two cows. He and his cows live off the fat of the land while the poor peasants in the land starve. Then the peasants revolt. At the end he gets hanged, and the cows take power over the peasants. then the cows milk the peasants and put them in slaughter houses to later consume. Abstract Expressionism You have two cows, or they can be goats or battleships or galaxies or whatever you personally feel you can see when you stare at them long enough. Absurdism You have two cows. Firstly, what the [Edited Out] is a cow, and why would you have one? It makes no sense whatsoever. Altruism You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor. You send the other cow to Somalia. American Taxes Part I You have two cows. The government has borrowed thousands upon thousands of cows from other countries and slaughtered them all, and confiscates one of yours. Rather than logically returning a cow to another country, they send it off to another country so that the terrorist cells there can use it to trade for guns. American Taxes Part II You have one cow. The government finds out that terrorists they recently donated a cow to have traded it in for weapons, and confiscate your remaining cow to provide milk to soldiers for a ten-year war effort to eliminate the terrorist threat. You, having no cows, have done your patriotic duty, and are now in poverty. Anarchism You have two cows. Your neighbour has one cow, and asks you to share your spare cow's milk with them. You voluntarily agree, and with the enthusiastic help of your scientist neighbour you make the cow self-replicate. Now your neighbour also has two cows, and everyone cheers each other on for doing so well without a government. Anarcho-capitalism You have two cows. It is your natural right to have these cows. However, as the state is a threat to your right of self-regulation, the courts, military, and police force ought to be replaced by Private Defense Agencies. If one of your cows is stolen, and you can afford a PDA, you may get it back, assuming the thief has not purchased the services of a competing PDA. Anarcho-communism The cows are owned by everyone in general and nobody in particular. They are milked by anyone who wishes to do so. Their teats hurt. Arachno-communism You have two cows. Giant spiders tell you what to do with them. Anarcho-individualism You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to have them and leave to form their own society. Anarcho-primitivism As the development of agriculture has resulted in all existing conflict, class distinctions, war, violence, oppression of minority groups, and general misery, society ought to return to its natural state. You should graze alongside your cows, rather than submit them to the oppressions of technology and all its false sciences. Anarcho-syndicalism You have two cows. They take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major— Andyutopia You have two cows. You're so leet, that even your cows can write java. Anthropomorphism You have two cows. You feel intensely that you are also a cow, and are shunned by your neighbors. Apocalypticism You have two cows. It's a sign that the end is nigh! Arkansas You have two cows. The one on the left is kind of cute. Australia You have two cows but you forgot how big your paddock is and where they are, so you haven't seen them for 2 years. Australia 2 You and your wife have two cows between you. The tax office insists that both cows belong to just one partner and takes one cow as taxation from this wealthy individual. The welfare department, ignoring the loss of one cow to taxation, declares both cows to be joint assets and insists the dependent spouse hand one cow over since with two cows between them, the couple are undeserving of government support and should share the remaining cow. Both departments insist the couple still have one cow left over since each department only took one of the two cows the couple own. The government boasts about its strong support for married couples, pointing to the rising numbers of couples owning two cows as evidence of that support. The anti-family lobby complain that since the couple were sharing two cows and each partner only lost one cow, they still have one cow each. They argue this two-cow outcome shows an unfair bias in favour of married couples. Austria You have two cows but give them away and settle for skiing instead because everybody thinks they're kangaroos. Austria 2 You have two cows, so you look one in a basement for twenty years and rape the [Edited Out] out of it. Autocracy You had two cows, by the grace of the beloved father dictator. Aristocracy You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree. Aztec Monarchy We captured your two cows in battle. We will now sacrifice them to Quetzalcoatl so that the sun continues to rise. Spanish Conquistadors I refuse to allow you to sacrifice your two cows; for such an act is immoral and against God! Also, All your Gold Are Belong to Us. Soviet Russia Two cows have you. Soviet Russia 2 You have two cows. They milk you. Soviet Russia 3 In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!! Baten Kaitos You have two Pows. They were caught with magic cards. Belgium You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. Brazil You have two cows. The government denies you education and makes sure you're not smart enough to milk them, but agrees to hire equally incompetent people to milk them for you. You get 1% of the milk for a couple of months. You see characters from a TV soap opera with four cows. A nine year old boy shoots you in the head and gets your cows, exchanging them for drugs. A breath-taking awesome action movie is made based on the incident and runs for best Foreign Language film at the Academy Awards. One of the cows is found later with a congressman, legally though. British Democracy You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. British Democracy 2 You have two cows. One of your cows has a small foot infection. The government orders you to burn both cows. All the cows in the surrounding area are also burned, roads and footpaths are closed and the media throws the country into a panic. You decide to protest about not being allowed to hunt foxes on public roadways. British Democracy 3 You have two cows. They get sick and you blame badgers. The government makes you kill them and pays you compensation. You are annoyed as you wanted to kill them for meat and aren't allowed to kill the badgers. British Empire You have two cows which occupy as much as a quarter of the field. You give them away because you are ashamed that you ever had cows. Bureaucracy You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other dry and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Bureaucracy 2 You have two cows, and are required to proclaim ownership of purchase to the IRS, the FDA, the IRC (International Requests Channels), the AAA (the old one), the AGB (the Association of Good Business), and the FHA (Form Handling Agency). The IRS has two forms that must be completed and signed under a notary within 24 hours, but no one can work on Sunday under the DBLA. To handle this, the IRS has provided a secondary form that can be attached to the AAA form that can be provided within 48 hours that will be processed via the IRS to the IRC if the IRC form is completed first. In order to request the IRC form a form must be processed to the FHA within 72 hours which will be returned within 24 hours but it's really more like two weeks. If you have enough money to bribe the forms through, then official forms must be handled to the IRC and FHA in the same procedure as for the IRS. If a dual IRS-AAA form is processed, a separate AAA form must be handled within 61.8 hours with a surchage of $47.56 but only through the IRC with permission from the FHA, permission from the FHA can be provided provided proof that forms for the FDA have been properly secured. The money paid on the surchage is tax-deductible provided that a form is processed to the IRS via the IRC with knowledge of service from the FHA within 24 hours, knowledge of service from the FHA can only be provided if proof of forms for the completion of forms for the AAA is handled. Proof for forms can be requested from the FHA with a $50 surcharge on one form, $55 on proof for two forms, $60 for three forms, etc.. Forms for the FDA (which must be filed within a month) can only be secured if the purchase meets guidelines from the AGB verifiable through forms collected via the AAA, the verification forms from the AAA can be received through the FHA again via the IRC if a request is placed within two weeks, if the verification form is processed, reviewed, and deemed satisfactory by the AGB, a satisfactory completion form will be mailed within one month to be handled by the FHA via the IRC to the FDA to allow forms for the AAA and thus IRS to be processed. Any breaches of protocol with cause the purchaser to be fined $100. Of course, the easier and cheaper way (considering it's impossible to make the paperwork through on time, the hours don't add up) is to bribe an official at the IRS, IRC, FHA, AAA, AGB, and FDA $100 each and they'll take care of the rest. Bureaucratic Socialism You had two cows. The government takes them from you. Your cows now are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Bushism A couple dozen Al-Cowda terrorists attack domestic locations while you're reading "My Pet Goat." You immediately get your Attorney General working on figuring out how to suspend "Habeas Cowpus." Later, you hear that a camel-populated cowntry (unrelated to the attacks) might have weapons of mass digestion. You have two cows with which you invade that country. Hey, "You go to war with the cows you have, not the cows you *wish* you had." Your cows are the best in the world at what they were trained to do and immediately graze away the existing pasture-al structure of that country. Only one of your cows speaks camel-ise and you just found out that he's gay - you discharge him from service with great haste. Your popularity moooves lower and lower as the camels reject your cud-chewing philosophies. Caught in a lose/lose situation you offer the strategy of "Staying the Cows." Bill Clintonism You have two cows. The President's wife tries to take one, she fails and Democrats lose Congress. You then get to keep your cows, sell the milk, keep the profits, and "triangulate" yourself to appear as if you are sharing with others. The people with no cows get mad, but you get fellatioed by one of the cows, the Republicans try to impeach you, and the people with no cows get mad at them! Byzantine Autocracy You have two cows and two icons. The cows are worthless, but the Theotokos has blessed one of the Icons to give you pure and sweet milk. Because of this, many pilgrims come to your monastery, and you gain additional support and farmland from the State. The Emperor visits, and then gives you even more money to build a bigger monastery at the site. Byzantine Autocracy under Leo IV You have two cows and no icons. If you have any icons, you will be tortured and executed by the state, and your cows will be confiscated and given to soldiers of the Anatolikon theme. However, you can keep your two cows as long as you don't depict them in ANY way, shape, or form. California You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only 5 speak English. Most are illegals. Their leader once starred in a cow bodybuilding movie and has a lovechild. Canada You have 2 cows. The government takes the milk and puts it in a bag. You get free health care. Canada 2 You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches. Canada 3 You have two cows. The French cow complains it is being oppressed by the English cow, and threatens to leave the farm. To keep it in the farm, you have to feed it the English cow's milk. Catullus You have 2 cows. They gave you 3300 kisses! Cayman Islands You have two cows. You don't need to pay any taxes about them. Chicago You have 3 cows, and no place to keep them. You give one cow to your Alderman, who arranges a permit to keep them in the city park. The 2 cows are so happy they cast 4 votes for the Alderman and he is reelected for life. Everyone is happy, except for the Feds, who launch a sweeping anti-corruption compaign. Your 2 cows are now indicted, but the case is dropped for lack of evidence. Chicago 2 You have 2 cows. One of them accidentally kicks over a lantern and burns down half of the city. Chicago 3 You have seven cows who play various musical instruments. They sing "If You Leave Me Now". Communism - Cambodian You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Your family complains about your unfair death on LiveJournal, which is immediately blocked by the government. Communism - Cambodian 2 You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you for fun. Communism - modern Chinese You have no cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's and issues a proclamation saying that even though it is capitalism it is still socialist. You would be confused, but you learned doublethink in the public schools so there's no problem. Everyone is happy and the Chinese government is both happy and wealthy. Communism - Chinese You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. You arrest his family, too, just to be safe. Communism - Chinese 2 You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does). Communism - Chinese 3 You have two cows. The government's corporate partners force you at gunpoint to employ small children to milk them under dangerous working conditions for little pay. The milk (after being adulterated with melamine) is sold at Wal-Mart in capitalist countries for rock-bottom prices. Communism - Chinese 4 You have two cows - after stealing this business model from someone else. Communism - Chinese - Mao You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city, and then sells them to the capitalist west. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations, despite very limited success. You and your neighbors starve. Communism - Chinese - Mao 2 You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them. Communism - Castro Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Benevolent Father of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985. Communism - Cuban You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. You begin to suspect that Fidel has no idea what he's talking about. Communism - North Korean We do not need cows. Those are the tools of the ruthless capitalist exploiters and rapists of the proletariat in the oppressed, feudal South. We will, in keeping with the principles of Juche, eat our own grass. Please do not pay attention to the mooing coming from the two large crates addressed to the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il. Communism - North Korean 2 You have two cows. The government takes them away and feeds them to the God-King. You starve to death, and when you complain, the government shoots you and puts your family in a concentration camp, even though the God-King has had nine heart attacks. Communism - Russian You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government only lets you have a portion of the milk. Then the government sends you to gulag in northern Siberia when you complain that the people working in the big cities already have enough without taking your milk. Communism - Russian You have two cows, and only enough fodder to keep one alive through the Moscow winter. One of the cows is a hard worker, producing enough milk for thirty families, whereas the other is a leech living off state welfare without producing any milk. You split the hay evenly between them, and they both starve. You receive the Order of Lenin 2nd Class for your adherence to the Marxist philosophy. Communism - Bureaucratic You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. Communism - Stalin 2: Your cows never existed. Communism - Stalin You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, comrade? Communism - Stalin 2 You must be mistaken. The two cows you speak of never existed. I hope we have cleared up this misunderstanding. I suggest you never mention it again. Communism - Lenin You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary when you try to drink their milk. The cows are also shot as counter- revolutionary for supplying you with the milk. The urban proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids. Communism - Soviet In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!! Communism - Soviet 2 You have two cows. They milk you.!! Communism - Philippines These cows won't stop destroying your stuff or abducting your family until you give them their daily grass to chew on. Conservipediaism You have two cows. You start a homeschool organization to protest the evil public schools pushing the homosexual agenda. You eventually receive more cows to go in your homeschool organization. However, your cows all turn out to be gay. Capitalism You have no cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Go and sell your cows for a third of their original cost. The bank takes 10.3% of that third of their original cost, your employer takes another 16.4%, the local government unofficially takes 35%, the secret police liberate 12.1%, the bank takes another 10.3%, and the Democratic party takes 32.6%. Capitalism 2 You have two cows. Your landlord wants his rent, so you sell one cow to pay him. Your other cow dies when you try to milk it 8 times a day to have enough for your starving family. The next month the landlord again wants his rent, and you, debted, with no cows, are forced to work like a slave in a dehumanizing factory for laughable wages while your debt becomes greater through interest rates. Then you lose your job as it is outsourced to China, and you starve to death in the gutter. Capitalism 3 You were born into a family with 1000 cows (with WordGirl's help). You hire indebted people and illegal immigrants at slave wages to milk them and manage to wrestle the competition and vertically integrate them all, gaining a monopoly. You get richer and richer doing absolutely nothing except swim around in Caipirinhas in a Caribbean resort, while your workers cannot afford to buy the milk with their wages. You are the envy of the world, and your daughter becomes an icon when she decides that her vocation is to be a [Edited Out] and posts videos of her work on the internet. Capitalism 4 You have 100,000,000 cows, and you are absolutely drowning in so much more milk than anybody can afford or drink, as one half of them is unemployed and the other half is working in your milk mines 32 hours a day. You lobby the government into starting a war, giving the unemployed half an income that they must use on milk that the government gets from you. You attach laser sights to your cow's horns and sell them for ludicrous prices to the government to be used as laser guided bombs. The government prints money to pay you, inflation is the result but you remain just as rich because all of the money that is printed goes straight to you. Capitalism 5 You have two cows. You sell both to an agricultural business firm and use the money you made selling the cows to buy milk to feed yourself. Capitalism - Brazil You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. Capitalism - Netherlands You have two cows. You create a separate holding (of which you make yourself CEO), sell the cows to it then lease them back. Legal fees paid for the forming of the holding are tax-deductible. Oh, and in the first three years, your holding has extra tax benefits for being a small start-up company. Oh, and at the other end, you are allowed deduct the cow-leasing fee before taxes. So far, so good. With the money you got from selling the cows you decide to buy three pigs, with an additional option for seven more (at a fixed low price). And while you're at it, you get some options on three more cows (to be bought for a price based on a gliding scale, but still very attractive all in all). You sell your milk quota for all five cows at the stock exchange when prices are high, then buy back two cows worth from your neighbour when he is desperate enough to sell. You even do him a favor and sell him the options to the three extra cows at a friendly price. Or so he thinks. You now have two cows (with milk quota) and three pigs, plus a surplus amount of cash. You decide to cash in on two of the pigs options that you still own. Then, you sell three of your pigs to your cow-lease firm and then lease them back. The remaining five pig options are thrown into the deal. Since you have reduced the number of pigs that you might have owned from ten to five, the government (backed up by the European Commission) compensates you for the loss of income that you have suffered for not actually having owned the five optional pigs. Queen Beatrix comes along and commends you for being such an outstanding entrepreneur. Everybody is happy as a clam. Then unexpectedly one cow dies from the bird flu (H5N1). You demand a replacement cow from the cow-leasing firm. This, in turn, leads to litigation between the lease company and the insurance company (you DID take out insurance, didn't you?) After a while, the cow-leasing firm goes bankrupt. Since you now are unemployed (no longer being CEO of the cow-leasing firm) you apply for welfare. At 70% of the average earnings made over the last three months, this is a handsome income indeed. You decide to employ a caretaker for you business and retire. When you ask around at the Rotary what experiences the other members have hiring labour you learn that there is this new and exciting government program meant to deal with long-term unemployment. WHEEE!!! Capitalism - Hong Kong You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad. Capitalism - Russian You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. Capitalism - Russian 2 You have no cows, but Roman Abromhovich has 7,000,000,000 cows which he bought off the government for two cups of milk in a closed auction. Capitalism - Russian 3 You had two cows but you didn't know what they were or how to milk them so you sold them to Mikhail Kodorovsky for a cup of milk. Capitalism - Swedish You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy. Capitalism - Danish You have two cows, and when a farmer from another country wants to come to your country you refuse this "in order to maintain the old danish culture" (regardless of how many cows the foreign farmer has). Meanwhile Sweden refuses to listen to you so all you can do now is to add this to Uncyclopedia. Capitalism - Japanese You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. But cows suffer severe depression and number of new generation cows fall, and their children cows don't go out from their bedroom, where children's personal computer and cellphone battery charger is. Capitalism - Japanese 2 You have two cows. They are commissioned to write new games for the new gaming systems. Five years later the Chinese cows take over the gaming market with counterfeit copies of the games you make. You lose your job and your meat is mixed up with the beef from the United States that is infected with Mad Cow Disease. Your meat is dumped into the sea and the fish eat it. Then this causes a huge epidemic of Mad Fish Disease. The entire seafood industry in Japan collapses and everybody starves to death. Capitalism - Japanese 3 You have two cows. Your cow milk well and you have a generous life while cows are young. But as time goes on, cows get old and stop milking. You would try to kill old cow and buy younger ones, but the supreme court doesn't allow your killing old cows and buying new because it is "market-fundamentalism". You become poor. Capitalism - Japanese 4 You and your immediate family members and close associates operate an expansive cow business for 54 years ever since they started from two cows. However your cow business is damn corrupted to the bone until you're afraid of your rival cow businesses. Capitalism - Japanese 5 You have two cows. You bought them by illegal funding. You politely resign yourself as a cow buyer and live in a cold and bitter life while watching porn. Capitalism - Mexican You have two cows. The Spanish come, take the cows away, and give you mirrors in return. The mirrors break, the Spanish enslave you for 400 years and destroy your culture. You try to get the cows back from the Spanish by rebelling. You rebel, but the sons of the Spanish keep the cows. They milk the cows and drink milk in front of you until you get sick of it, and try to democratically take the cows from them. You discover you're not the only one that wants the cows, and the democratic movement turns into a civil war/rebellion/faction infighting hell - after years of fighting, you don't manage to get the cows: you have to organise all the people that want them into a single party so you can all have milk without tearing each other apart over who gets to keep the cows. Everybody joins the party, and in exchange for loyalty and commitment to it, you get a little milk every now and then. This goes on for 70 years, until a rancher comes along and defeats the party in the elections. Now, the rancher milks the cows and doesn't give anyone milk, save for his friends, that make millions selling the milk. After that, the rancher discovers that there's a candidate promising to seize the cows if he wins the elections, and to share the milk with everyone. The rancher destroys that candidate's reputation, and he loses the elections. Now a dwarf is in charge of the cows. Much to his dismay, when killing one of the cows to have a steak, he discovers the cow was full of cocaine and marihuana packets. 6000 people get killed. Capitalism - North Korea You have two cows after North Korean government conducted an attempt to introduce a lesser form of capitalism around the cities that are near to the Chinese border. Your very tiny business fails miserably when you tried to sell the milk to the Chinese. And you feel hopeless. Then you plan to seek immigration as a refugee to South Korea on the price of selling your two cows. Capitalism - South Korea 1 You have two cows. You follow exactly what the Japanese did to their cows with a distinctly Korean twist but it's better than the Japanese counterpart half of the times. Capitalism - South Korea 2 You have two cows. You decide to trade them with few chickens or two pigs because there is a huge demand of pork bellies and chicken in the domestic market. Your business grows and become satisfied. Afterwards you will invest in sustainable-growing vegetables or fruits of farmers and organic domestic animal growers right before you join huge anti-governmental protests for eroding the South Korean environment. You are upset and plan to send your educated children to Canada or United States for better education and jobs, so you let them invest on your new honest cow business right after you sell your pig or chicken business. Capitalism - South Korea 3 You have two cows. You don't want to milk them but instead, you switch them with more than two Korean native brown cows (한우). You lend some them to the Korean folk villages catered for tourists and eagerly-obsessed students and get a steady flow of income. You sell the beef with good price but you are planning to protest against the un-patriotic government for approving the American beef import. Later, you lost your cow business and become a part-time instructor in a low-profile polytechnic college and a part-time advisor for your tiny local wholesales complex for trading rice, vegetables and legumes. Your work on two part-time jobs will sustain you enough to take care of your other family members a bit. You encourage your sons or nephews to get into the cow business or into the TV comedy business while you teach them how to be skeptical to the government for harassing farmers and poor people to give some good insights for developing nice sarcastic humor. Capitalism - Swiss You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one. Capitalism - Wall Street You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up. Capitalism - Wall Street 2 You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business. You lose your business after Anderson demands thirty billion dollars in payment for the audit and you lose your cows. Capitalism - Interventionist You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist governments in countries you've never heard of as part of the neverending battle against the "evils" of communism. Capitalism - Industrial You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. You half the wages of your workers in order to buy a new cow. Capitalism - Democratic You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a hamster and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you. Capitalism - Republican You have two cows. Your poor black neighbor has none. So? Capitalism - Republican 2 You have two cows. You give one cow to a lobbyist who gives the cow to a Congressman in exchange for lowering the cow tax. Now you have one cow and a Congressman. You fail at tell them apart. Capitalism - Republican 3 The poor should give their cows to the rich so that the milk will trickle back down to the poor. Capitalism - Republican 4 You have no cows, but you have Captian Huggy Face, and Sailor Earth Capitalism - Enron You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull. Now all this makes it look like you have 17 cows, but you really owe this guy five cows. Capitalism - American You have two cows. You prosper from their milk. You downsize the cows and get five Chinese calves, who produce milk cheaply and in horrific conditions. Your old cows are living on skimpy welfare payments and are scorned by other cows because they were too lazy to produce milk. Capitalism - American 2 You have two cows. You give one to a lobbyist who talks to a congressman. The congressman gives you tax breaks. With the extra money you buy ten more cows. You give seven cows to the lobbyist, who encourages the government to pay you thirty cows so you can build a milk pipeline in Saudi Arabia so American citizens can have more milk, while depriving Saudi Arabian chickens of their freedom. You get fifty more cows because of it. You use forty cows to build a beef factory in China. In Saudi Arabia anti-cow sentiment is brewing because cows support the government. You ignore it. Several relatives of decapitated rebel-chickens crash planes into two very tall barns. You blame their religion and go to war with a nation which is home to the leader of the chickens. You give up because there are no hamburger stands there, go to war with a totally unrelated nation and start torturing ducks. Capitalism - American (Circa 2008) You have two cows. You loan one cow to a neighbor who can't feed it. The cow starves to death. You ask the government for another cow. Carthaginian Republic You had two cows, before you were killed and the Romans took them. Christianity You have two cows, and the Lord hath said unto you, 'Go forth, my child, drink thine milk and eat thine patties.' Colonialism You had two cows - until they set up their own farm and claimed independence. Cubism You have two cows - but no one can tell what they are if you don't explain it to them. Dadaism You have two cows. Dadaism 2 You are two cows. Darwinism You have two cows, and since you are at the top of the food chain - you eat them. Democracy You have two cows. An election is held, and the cows win. Democracy You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You starve, and they become unemployed and go bankrupt. Democracy - Athenian You have two cows. Your cows and yourself can vote and write flamboyant tales and philosophy for 100 years or so, blissfully ignoring the fact that women and the poor don't have the same rights. You are then owned every so often by the Persians, Spartans or Macedonians, then the Romans come along and crush you for good. Oh, and they sacrifice the cows to Mars. Democracy - Philippines You have two cows. The people are hungry. An election is held, and the cows win because their milk fed the people. The people go hungry again and take to the streets in People Power and demand the cows to be slaughtered. They are made into hamburgers. A few days later, the people are hungry again. Democracy - Philippines (2) If the cows hate their herder, they simply cause a stampede and dump their pies all over a field called EDSA to force him/her out. If that doesn't work, they try (and try, and try, and try, and try, and try and try, and try, and try---whew--but, hold on, I'm not done yet--and try and try and try...) again to impeach him/her. Democracy - American You have two cows. Some old man in Washington gives a speech on his intentions to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a minute or so and then go back to televised sports "where there's no violence". Democracy - American 2 You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk is somehow not involved with what the people want. Democracy - American 3 The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate." Democracy - Argentina You have two cows and you elect one as president. The other is stolen by fugitive neo-nazi's who you couldn't be bothered extraditing. And all the while you're just happy that you haven't got some [Edited Out]-crazy dictator. Democracy - Florida You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best-looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one. Democracy - Australian You have two cows. The government nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production and control the price of milk. You throw a huge beef Barbie (barbecue), with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field. Everyone is stuffed to the gills with beef, milk, and beer, and nods gravely during your speech. You still have two cows. Democracy - Japanese You have two cows. You can get milk from them. But you can't butcher them and get meat because possession of arms and using violence is prohibited by The Constitution Chapter 9. Democracy - Singaporean You have two cows. You have to pay the government $10000 for a certificate of cow ownership. The government charges you for parking them and fines you for not cleaning up afterwards. 5% of the milk goes to the government as GST. The rest goes to charity because the government says so. NKF uses the milk to trick people into believing they are sabers of coloured milk and uses the money to buy gold plated taps and first class flights. You go broke and make the cows into hamburgers. The government then charges you for genocide. Democracy - Pure You have two cows. A vote is held over whether to kill you, eat your meat, and sell your bones on the market. The cows win. DragonballZism You have OVER 9000 cows. Dyslexia Uyo ehva wto swoc. Conservatism You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them. Economics Assume you have two cows. Economics - Free Trade Foreign countries want to export two cows to your country. You are the US and don't want this, so you enact the Hawley-SMOOOOt Tariff and cause the world's entire market system to grind to a halt, and no one has two cows because they've all been eaten. Eastern European Democracy You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price. Elpis You have two cows. One of them is killed in an EOT council terrorist attack. So you decided to sue a random British man for that. European Federalism You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job. ENRON Corporation You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. Environmentalism You had two cows. PETA and other environmentalists came along, took them, released them into the wild (where they are immediately eaten by the wildlife in a gruesome way), kicked your ass, burned down your house, [Edited Out]ed your wife, other female relatives, left you and your family naked, since they also believe clothes [Edited Out] up the environment. Egoism You have two cows, but who cares about that? What about me? Existentialism You think you have two cows therefore you have. Existentialism 2 You have two meaningless cows and there is no God. Fascism You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. Fascism 2 You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it to fund the anti-communist movement. Fascism 3 You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service. Fascism 4 You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. You blow up the cow depository. Now no one has any cows, except the leaders, who still have thousands. Your children starve to death and you kill yourself. Fascism 5 You have two cows. The Fuhrer declares them an enemy of the people and sends them to Auschwitz. Fascism 5 You have two cows. You care for them, milk them, and feed them. The government shoots you, and takes your cows. Fascism 6 You have two cows. The government sends one cow to the Eastern front while the other has a big nose and is gassed. You however are shot. Fascism - Corporate You have two cows. The State takes both; their cronies form a corporation, hire you to take care of the cows and sell you the milk. Fatalism You have two cows. You die. You don't know if they die because you're already dead. Fatalism 2 You have two cows, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it. FCC (an acronym for theFascist Crackhead Castratos) You have two cows, both of which you regularly milk. Some dumb [Edited Out] passing by your house observes you milking one of the cows, takes a seat and watches the whole thing through, and then complains to the FCC about the "extremely offensive and indecent act presented to him," citing the "obvious sexual references" and "family inappropriate nature" of the milking. You are then fined an exorbitant amount of money for violating indecency laws, and the aforementioned cow is banned from public presentation, effective immediately. However, since no one has filed a complaint about the milking of the second cow, you may continue your treatment of the second cow, as the FCC is a complaint based organization. FEMA You have two cows. You name one Katrina and the other Rita. You spend your time in the field blissfully looking the other way, mindlessly daydreaming while they wipe the entire state of Louisiana as well as much of Mississippi and their inhabitants forever off the map. Ypu're doing a heck of a jpb. Feminism You have two cows. They refuse to be milked because bulls aren't subjected to the indignity of being milked and there's NO difference between cows and bulls. Feudalism You have two cows. Your lord takes five-eights of the milk. Feudalism 2 You have two cows. Your lord takes one of them. While milking the other one day, a knight rides up and kills you, and takes your other cow. Feudalism 3 You have two cows. Your lord has the right to deflower them on their wedding night. Financial Crisis-ism You can't afford two cows. But because of rising cow prices the bank offers you a loan to buy one. When cow prices fall you are unable to payback the loan. The bank goes bust because no one pays back the loans they have made. The government has to bail out the bank. The milk is given to the bankers as bonuses. Florida You have two cows. One is seduced by a schoolteacher and then threatened by the owner of the cow next door, who claims your cow was making fun of it; the other is mauled by an alligator. France You have two cows (Vous avez deux vaches). They outnumber you (Elles sont plus nombreuses). You surrender and collaborate (Vous vous rendez et collaborez). France 2 You have two cows. You stir up rebellion and organise riots, because YOU want THREE cows. France 2 You have two cows. The cows go on strike and barricade your doors to demand more grass. France 3 You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. Fordism Your have two cows. You decide one of them is redundant and sell it. Instead of tending to the remaining cow yourself, you hire ten people to do it(one for each stage of the cow-tending process). Galactic Empire You are searching for two cows on a desert planet, only to find that they have been taken by your neighbours. You kill your neighbours, only to realise that they didnt actually have the two droids your originally thought they did. Gandhi You have two cows. They form a national cownsel and demand autonomy. They declare peaceful protest and the right to milk themselves. A public movement to milk themselves embarrasses the British government. The Nazis overrun Europe. They declare that Nazis aren't any worse than the British. The Nazis mark your cows down for future extermination. Germany You have two cows. You rub their manure on yours and your partners chest. Germany 2 You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. Gonzales I don't recall any cows. Government cow-er-up Cows never crash-landed in the New Mexico desert. In fact, cows never even existed. You never saw anything. Greece You have two cows.So what? Green You have two cows. They produce too much methane. You shoot them and win the Nobel Peace prize for finding a new way to cut down natural green house gas emission Halutopia You have two cows. They are yours. You are the only person there. Hedonism You have two cows. They're too busy drinking, partying, and having sex to give milk. Heartland You have two cows... and so does everyone else. Hinterland You have two cows. No one has enough money to buy the milk you produce, so you sell them to the Heartland. Housing Bubble Crash 2008 You bought a cow you cannot afford from a very friendly loan officer. When interest rates explode, the collectors begin coming to your farm, so you do the logical thing, and abandon your cow and the farm it's on. The President and Federal Reserve Chairman deny that there's any problem with the cow market. Idiocracy You have two cows. One cow is stupid and breeds with other stupid cows, while the smart cow doesn't try to mate. Eventually you have lots of stupid cows. Idiocracy #2 You have two cows. These two cows moo while you're watching "Ow! My Balls!" You Slaughter them mercilessly for interrupting "Ow! My Balls!" Idiocracy 3 You have two cows. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Idiocracy 4 If you have one cow that can fill a 5 gallon milk bucket, and one cow that can fill a two gallon milk bucket, how many cows do you have? Idiocy You bribe one cow to eat you and the other cow to eat itself. Imelda Marcos You have two cows. One is love, and the other is peace. Love and peace make beauty, while peace and beauty make love, while beauty and love make peace. Feed the first cow to enrich the other cow, but you cannot feed the other cow because it will deprive the spirit of beauty. If you deprive the two cows of beauty, you will get a Pac-Man soul. That's peace. Indian Democracy You have two cows. The government passes a law forbidding you to kill them. The minority religious constitencies fight for your right to kill the cows if you choose to do so. Your cows are featured in a Yash Chopra movie dramatization of the dispute, become film stars, and are elected to parliament. Indonesia 1 You have two cows. You give them both away as dowry and get married. The cows eventually end up as halal meat patties at a McDonalds which is being destroyed by protesters. Indonesia 2 You have two cows. You sell them to a halal beef processing facility that exports its beef to Malaysia. You instead buy an abandoned soybean farm in the countryside from a bad farm owner with the help of mainland Chinese investors. Malaysian businessperson will send an angry letter to you why you ditched your two cows. Ingsoc You have two cows, and you provide them with plenty of fresh feedcow and clean, cool cowdrink. However, miniluv declares this to be crimethink. You are taken away to be realigned with the Party. When you return you realize that you actually have five cows. Ingsoc 2 You have two cows. The government takes them, erases all records that the cows ever existed, and gives you artificial milk and artificial meat instead. Ingsoc 3 You have two cows. Your neighbor has two cows. Together, you have five cows. Ingsoc 4 You have one cow. You have always had one cow. Ingsoc 5 You have two cows. Black is white. Eurasia is ungood. Eastasia is ungood. Oceania is plusgood. BB is doubleplus good. You have one cow. Ingsoc 6 You have two cows. You get two more cows. You now have five cows. If you do not believe this, you will be arrested, tortured, released, and then killed. Ingsoc 7 How many cows am I holding up? Internet You have tucows. Use it to download [Edited Out]. Internet 2 You have two cows. They have one cup. Internet 3 You have a series of cows. Internet 4 You have two cows and a Goatse. Iraqi Corporation You have two cows but they are taken away from you. Everybody else thinks you have lots of cows, so they decide to bomb the [Edited Out] out of you. You still have no cows, but at least you are now part of a democracy. Iraq You have three cows. You're killed because other people want what's under the land the cows graze on. Your three cows then attempt to kill each other. Iraq 2 You have 2 cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. Ireland You have two cows. One must be sold in order to purchase more scarce potatoes while the other miraculously becomes Minister for Health Islamic Republic You have two cows, thats all. Israel You have two cows that think the neighbor's farm is theirs too. You spend all your time protecting them from the neighbors. Italian Republic You have two cows. You have no idea where they are. You break for lunch. Italian Republic 2 You have two cows. You use them to make a seven course meal. While you were eating you missed a vote and are no longer prime minister. Jack Jack has two cows. One dies due to exess facial hair invading the eyes, mouth and nostrils. The other simply fails. Japan - WWII Era You have two cows. They sacrifice themselves to the emperor's cause of fighting in Manchuria. Afterwards other countries go crazy whenever you visit a farm or burger joint. Japanese Corporation You have two cows. You redesign them to make the milk of 10 cows, and be 5 times more compact. You create a clever cartoon character, dub it 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. And Chinese corporations make cheaper copies of them. JFK You have two cows. You go on a prade one day and get assasinated. A conspiracy theory forms involving both cows, one on a grssy nole and one in a building. They later kill both cows in secret and realise that niehter of them could have done it. John Howard You had two cows and their calves were thrown overboard by illegal immigrants. "Jon Mack": You have two cows. You feed them McDonald's food. They get fat and play guitar. Jokes You have two cows. These two cows walk into a bar and...[Edited Out]! Wrong section. Jokes 2 You have three cows. Two walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.The two that ran into the(metal)bar give you milk and a good laugh. The one that ducked somehow sheared it's body apart from it's head and legs. You drink milk and eat steak for many nights. Your cows hate you, make your hot wife shoot milk out of her boobs, and shear your body from your head and limbs. The jokes gets in a infinite loop and the world ignites, explodes, and does it again until a McDonald's turns into a black hole and destroys everything. And you. And me. And Wikipedia. And only Uncyclopedia exists, until it A splodes. This sucks. Kevin Rudd Do you have two cows? Yes. Will you have three cows any time soon? No. My challenge to Mr. Howard is this: create more cows for working families. Kevin Rudd 2 You have a whole country side of camels. You decide to kill the cammels so you have room for your two cows. Your'e then criticized by Americans for commiting Camelcide. Kevin Rudd 3 You have two cows. Your neighbour has no cows. You form a commity involving the rest of your neighbourhood to try and figure out a way to make everyone feel included. Kevin Rudd 4 You have two cows. Some big companies are causing pollution that affects the growth of cows. You give them your cows in an attempt to stop them from polluting. They kill the cows and send their hoofs back to you as a thankyou gift. Keynesian Economics You have two cows. Both of them are concrete. Keynesian Economics 2 You have two cows. The government gives you a third cow so that you will be able to make more money which would then feed into other industries. Most historians believe, though, that your economic woes were actually resolved when you fought your neighbors. Kleptocracy You have two cows. The government steals them... yeah... that's it. Lebanon You have two cows. They are owned by Syria. You drive them out in a revolution but one cow is held hostage by Hezbollah and the other is assassinated by it's political enemies. You are then killed in an Israeli air strike. Lebanon 2 You had two cows, but one was bought by Syria. The other was bought with money from the United States. Every so often they skirmish. It's not pretty. Libertarianism You have two cows. You exchange one for gold and rent out the other for more gold. You sit alone in your house with lots and lots of gold, slowly starving and suffering from malnutrition due to lack of dairy products. Libertarian-Socialism You have two cows. Someone steals one. You give the police a bucket of milk to find the guy and get your cow back. The cop keeps your cow after arresting the guy. Libertarian-Syndicalism You own 47.8% of your cows, the Farmer's Union owns 15.4%. the person that owns the barn owns 28.5%, and shares of the remaining 8.3% are traded on the open market. Malaysia You have two cows. They end up being taken to court and forced to convert to Islam. Materialism I have two cows, and they're both MINE! MINE! MINE! Damn you! You can't have them! Leave them alone, and gimme more cows! Mentalism When I click my fingers you will awake from your trance and have two cows! Matrixism There are no cows. Me I have twenty cows because my daddy's rich. Meritocracy You have two cows. The government awards the cow that makes the most milk, which is then put in a stud farm. Militarism You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Monarchy You have two cows... and the queen drives past to wave at them. Monty Python You have two cows. If the cows weight the same as a duck, they are made of wood, and therefore resting, and not dead. You have two ex-cows. Ni. Mother 3 You have two cows. The Pig Army turns them into Cowasaurus Rex. Nationalism You have two cows. One, due to its breed and national origin, in inherently superior to the other. You kill the other. Nazism The government shoots you and takes your two cows!! Nazism 2 You have two cows. One of them is jewish, and is sent to the gas chambers. Neo-Conservatism You have two cows. Your enemies have two cows. You sell Nerve gas to your enemies' neighbors to get rid of the cows. He uses them on your enemies, but also on your allies' cows. You wage 2 long, merciless wars to get rid of the person that you sold nerve gas to. You sell both cows to fund the wars and owe 200 cows. You blame the terrorists for the whole ordeal. Neo-Liberalism You make a deal where your child corporation buys two cows from the government for 50 cents each. Over several years you let all the profit go to your Swiss bank account, and neglect the cows. Your child corporation files for bankruptcy, the government finds out about the state of the cows and buys them back for $3 million each. Neo-Colonialism Your neighbor has two cows. You convince him to borrow money from you to build a farm he cannot afford. The farm becomes a mismanaged disaster that will require even more money to get it up to scratch. You refinance the loan so that he will never pay sauce: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/You_have_two_cows/17