In the Name of God بسم الله
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Being the only major religious issue nowadays in my life, so far I have to say that watching filth for almost a decade has cased detrimental impact on my life since it is extremely difficult to stop. In my early to mid teen years my muslim friend got me hooked. I am still friends with him, and have always thought that Insha'Allah if I am still kind to him despite him bringing this terrible habit onto me maybe I will get some thawab for being kind to someone who nearly stunted my growth for the last decade. But for the past year I've just grown so sick and tired that I feel like cursing my muslim friend although I still feel bad about the lanat. Currently I'm in my early 20s' and don't know what to do anymore. I have seen so many videos about the negative impacts of this terrible sin, after which I have temporary guilt and then sooner or later either I can't resist the urge any longer or I have some free time and my mind just clicks in the direction of watching filth. I have even read the benefits of abstinence, but my mind, and memory can be so short termed that whenever I feel the urge I forget the benefits of abstinence and ending the sin. I feel like it has almost stunted my growth and normal mental, social, and physical, development during my teen years, and now that I am an 'adult'. I have very weak will power and have fallen back into it more times than I can count. I know Allah forgives all sins, and that he is watching but it's almost like some part of my mind makes my rational thinking ignore the consequences and ignores that he is watching. I pray my namaz, and have been making dua to Allah desperately for years to end this sin but with my fast paced academic life in engineering, and other responsibilities such as work, and reciting in majalis in the sacred months I don't know what other option to do. Even with keeping busy and working out I feel constant urges. Nothing makes me feel better. This sin has made me depressed and at times I've felt really down in the gutter. I take anti-depressant meds to from the doctor. Sometimes I think this sin was in my qadr by Allah to begin with and I've seen Islamic videos that Allah makes us sin, but I just cant get over the fact that sometimes I actually have this problem. My condition is so bad that even my sibling (I am the youngest of 3) has caught me watching and my brain has been literally hardwired to continue afterwards despite being caught. I hate that it's a taboo because its a really serious issue to begin with. I have so many thoughts of negativity that this sin has brought that this thread would not be enough to explain my psychological problems. Sometimes I literally have no remorse after doing the sin, but later that day or the next day I feel the negative physical and mental impacts, such as weakness, laziness, fatigue etc.. I STILL DO IT. My parents aren't even accepting of this, YOU WONT BELIEVE I TOLD THEM. They say its a natural part of growing up but they have never dealt with this stuff so they don't know what it does as I am first generation Muslim American. I go to a muslim therapist and told him but he says to watch appropriate Islamic videos on its health detriments which I was watching even before I told him but I literally cannot stop. I even read the American No-fap threads.. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY FUTURE WITHOUT THIS ADDICTION basically. I don't know how to stop. Sorry for the super long story but honestly whoever can give me great advice from the heart, will deserve immense thawab in my opinion. :_( PLEASE HELP. I know there are probably numerous cases of this issue but I want to end this in MY LIFE so I can be a better person. Please be kind I am a new member.
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