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  1. Assalamualaikum. Ya Ali (عليه السلام) Madad. I hope this message finds you well. I would like to share a deeply personal experience that I have undergone, seeking clarity and guidance from an Islamic perspective. About five years ago, I had the pleasure of meeting a remarkable girl online. She is a zakira, devoted to reciting majalis throughout the year. We developed a strong connection over time, nurturing our relationship despite the physical distance between us. We've met sometimes tho. Unfortunately, our journey together took an unexpected turn when faced with a challenging situation. Before delving into this, allow me to provide some context. I have an elder sister who remains unmarried. The girl I was in love with and I aspired to marry one another. However, I held the belief that my sister's marriage should take precedence, delaying our own plans until she found a suitable partner. Despite our sincere intentions, we struggled to find a suitable match for my sister, leading to a prolonged wait. As time went on, the girl I cared for started receiving marriage proposals from other suitors. She expressed her concern to me, emphasizing the urgency of addressing our own relationship's future. She insisted that I approach my family about our desire to marry, or she would have no choice but to consider other proposals. Taking her words to heart, I initiated a conversation with my mother about our intentions. It is important to note that my father had passed away a few years prior, leaving me with the responsibility of communicating our intentions to my mother alone. To my dismay, my mother's initial response was one of rejection and unwarranted criticism against the girl's character. This reaction deeply pained me. This was the first instance I had witnessed such behavior from my mother, as she had always been kind and understanding. I found it difficult to reconcile the fact that the person I held in high regard could harbor such prejudice against someone I deeply loved. I embarked on a mission to convince my mother, invoking the significance of compassion and fairness emphasized in Islamic teachings. I reminded her that hasty judgments and character defamation were strictly prohibited, especially without sufficient knowledge about the person in question. I beseeched my mother to consider the qualities of the girl I loved, and to view our relationship with an open heart. I implored her to evaluate the situation fairly, placing trust in the values she had instilled in me over the years. The ensuing weeks were challenging as I balanced my deep affection for the girl I loved and my commitment to respect and honor my mother's wishes. Eventually, the emotional strain led to a point where my mother urged me to leave the house, coupled with the threat of being disinherited. In that moment of despair, I confided in my sister, who assured me that she would manage the situation and find a solution. Trusting her, I shared the girl's contact details with my sister, who took the initiative to speak with her father. Tragically, my sister's actions were contrary to what I had hoped for. She approached the girl's father and persuaded him to distance his daughter from me. This revelation shattered me completely, leaving me in a state of emotional turmoil. I felt utterly isolated, with thoughts of suicide clouding my mind as I believed I had lost everything dear to me. In the aftermath of these events, I found myself grappling with overwhelming emotions and a deep sense of loss. The girl I had envisioned a future with was now united with another, my relationship with my mother and sister had suffered irreparable damage, and the trust I once held for my loved ones was shattered. For the past two years, I have tried to mend the broken ties with my mother and sister. While some semblance of normalcy has returned to our interactions, it is undeniable that the dynamics have forever changed. Their actions have left scars that continue to affect our relationship, leaving me feeling conflicted about the love and respect I once held for them. Their insistence that I seek forgiveness for a transgression I fail to comprehend only deepens my internal struggle. As I reflect on my journey, one question remains at the forefront of my mind: What guidance does Islam provide for individuals facing such intricate and emotionally charged situations? I yearn for clarity on how to navigate this turmoil in a way that aligns with my faith. My earnest aspiration is to eventually establish financial stability, enabling me to make the difficult choice of parting ways with my family and seeking a life of my own. I am genuinely appreciative of any insights or wisdom you might be able to offer, grounded in Islamic teachings and values. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for considering my plea for guidance.
  2. Assalamu alaikum, I am a 28 year old woman. I have a problem I don't know how to fix. I am very confused and tired and exhausted and worried and I don't know what to do. I really need help. I try my best to be a good muslimah and do what is right and avoid haram. I have wanted to marry for a long time and I have made dua for years and years and I have expressed this to my father in my very early 20s. My parents have not found me any matches and I became depressed. I am not an ugly, I am an educated woman, good looking, smart, and muminah. I see most women my age with husbands and children and their own lives and I feel stuck. Alhamdulillah for everything but it is very painful. The older I get the less options I have. As a woman close to my 30s I don't know what options I have left. This year I have gotten no proposals. I also live in the west and we are very distant from the community and my father doesn't allow us to mix with people or allow my mother to make friends so our options are even more limited. I recently met a man who is also shia muslim and a good educated man. I really like this man and he has a lot of qualities I have been looking for in a husband. When I suggested him to my father he became very very angry and rude to me, he said things I do not wish to repeat and threatened my life. He did not allow me to marry him because the man is not from the same culture as us. My father says I can only marry from my own culture. I feel as though this man is kind and religious and I would like to marry him. I am not getting any younger and I do not have any prospects. The man and I decided to not speak anymore to avoid any haram that may occur. Him and I have not overstepped boundaries or committed any haram. We decided to not message each other often and speak so that chances of haram are reduced. We still wish to marry except we are not speaking now so that we can give it some time and avoid haram. My father has made it clear he will not allow me to marry any man outside my culture and he says alot of racist things. I don't know what to do. I feel very lonely and depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm treated like a child and I have no options. My mother knows the situation and is very understanding. my father is not understanding or kind. I don't wish to hurt my family or do something haram. All I want is to be able to marry the man that interests me peacefully in a halal and peaceful way. I don't even want money or an extravagant wedding or anything beyond reason. I just want to be happy and peaceful. I just want to marry a man that interests me like any other woman. I try not to feel hopeless because I don't want to be ungrateful and I say alhamdulillah for everything but every day that goes by I fall deeper and deeper into my sadness and my depression. I don't have energy or will to do anything. Sometimes I wish for death because it's easier. My dad doesn't allow us to go and meet people or interact with the community. we are just stuck at home. I have a masters and I work. That is all that I have in life. work and sleep. and now with covid 19 all I do is work from home and sleep and i feel like a waste of a person with no future. I just want to marry this man. I just want what any other woman my age wants. I don't want to hurt anyone or cause problems. I want to have a life. someone to love me and for me to love them back. To travel and have children and a home and be able to feel like a adult and have the options to do things. I have waited for marriage as a way to finally live and be happy but I am stuck. I'm not allowed to meet with friends or travel or anything. now i am not allowed to marry. It is killing me to feel this way. I don't feel that I want something crazy. I am so confused and lonely and my heart and brain can not take this. I can't sleep because I am so stressed. I don't know what to do. I just want to marry but I don't want to cause harm to my family. I am torn. I know there is much worse in the world. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Is it haram to want to marry a man of my choosing? can i get a kheira? What do I do? What is the islamic ruling on such a situation? I see a lot of lectures that say not allowing a daughter to marry based on race, culture or ethnicity is not a valid reason. But what does one do in this situation? Do I remain unmarried and depressed? I'm scared of telling my father again. I don't want my mother or siblings to hurt as a result of me. I am torn between being happy and married to a man I am interested in but hurting my family or unhappy and unmarried but keep my family from hurting. My mother supports my marriage to this man. It is just my father who says no. I am the oldest so I don't have a big brother or any other family to step in. When I say i'm scared of hurting my family I mean i'm scared my father will take his anger out on my mother and siblings. I am very lost. Please if you can provide me with some kind of direction or help. Is there a specific dua I have to do? I am really desperate and sad. Thank you very much for reading my message. Wa alsalam
  3. Hey guys, so I'm having some marriage issues and I'd like to get some other peoples opinions on this. I'm sorry theres a lot of details but it would mean alot if you could read them. First off, I got engaged in Iraq and I bought my husband to America. We live with my parents. The first couple of months were hard but alhamdulilah we got through them. We both fell in love with each other and things were great. He would help out with the bills and everything like that. Anything I would need to buy, he would buy for me. Our marriage was good literally up until the point where we decided to visit Iraq and see his family after a year of marriage. We went to Iraq and everything went down hill. First off, his mom is an amazing liar and manipulator. My problem is, my husband loves his mom to literal death. And theres nothing wrong with that but no matter how wrong she is, he will always be on her side and whatever she wants him to do, he will do it. When I went to Iraq, I saw his true colors. In his family, if you put down the wife it's considered manly which makes no sense because his mom is the queen in their house. Shouldn't they be treating their wives like queens too? No. She encourages them to not spoil their wives, and to not be romantic with them because according to her this will give the wife confidence and will make her spoiled. Their mom is literally never in the house she's always out and they never ask where she is but when their wives want to go somewhere they don't allow them. What really made me mad was the fact that my husband was talking about my family behind my back. I know this because of his little sisters. They're still young so they don't understand and they come and tell me what they hear. He literally told them how he buys bread and pays bills. He doesn't agree with that and his mom doesn't either apparently. She tells him don't pay anything, what are they gonna do to you? She wants his money for her only. She manipulated him into buying a piece of land for 30 thousand dollars in iraq for his "future" when we don't even have a house here to our selves in America! I tried talking to him but he tells me to not worry about it and that he's doing something good for us. He makes plans with his mom when it's supposed to be between me and him because it's OUR future, not hers! When we were in Iraq, he would keep all his money with his mom. Again, no big deal but it made me feel sad because it's like I'm your wife, aren't you supposed to trust me with your belongings? I don't even know how much money he has! Theres SO MUCH more that happened in Iraq that made me change my feelings toward him but moving onto my problems now- I became really close with my brother in laws wife when I was there. We were going through the same things with our husbands being obsessed with their manipulative mom so we were the only ones that understood each other. Anyways, when we came back from Iraq, me and my husband had a little argument and he just couldn't help but go and call his mom and tell her about it. And her advice to him? was to hit me! Obviously he didn't hit me. But what made me mad was the fact that it was such a simple argument, and he HAD to tell his mom about it. It couldn't stay between us. In my opinion, everything and anything that happens between a man and a woman in marriage should stay only between them. The argument was over a towel. I can't imagine what he would've said if it was actually over something serious. This made me lose all the respect I had towards him. He proved to me that I'm married to him and his mom, not just him. And that things can't stay just between us, which is very important to me. Before we came back from Iraq, we agreed to start trying to have a baby. We're over our 2 year mark and and we agreed it was time. We came back and one day he randomly told me he doesn't want a baby anymore. I was devastated so I called my brother in laws wife and told her that we aren't going to be trying for a baby anymore. She literally tells me that his mom talked him out of having a baby because of how much money they would cost which is exactly what his excuse was to me. His excuse was bs. He said we don't have time and when he comes back from work he will go to the gym so he won't even see his baby and that they cost money. This and everything else that happened really made me rethink my future with him. My husband would put the gym over his own child? My husband doesn't want to spend money on his OWN child yet he'd spend thousands of dollars over his mom in a heartbeat. Now I'm just so repulsed at the fact that I'll EVER have a baby with him. He wants to wait until we own our own house and make over 5000 a month until we try. I feel like those things are soo far down into the future. Not everyone owns their own house before they have a baby and they're all doing fine. And when will we own our own house if youre buying lands in Iraq?? He's waiting on ME to finish my education and work before buying our own house. There's just soo much stuff that changed in him after we went to Iraq and it made me rethink my future with him. I know you guys will say to talk to him, and I have tried but he's hard headed. I can't tell him your mom is manipulating you don't listen to her. There's just somethings that can't be said. We care for each other and love each other but we're both unhappy in our marriage. It actually breaks my heart to look at where we are now compared to how happy we were before. What do you guys think I should do in this situation? I'm considering divorce because I'm married to a guy that doesn't know reality exists. He wants to please his mom and only his mom and will listen to her only. A man makes his own choices. I feel like he'll only benefit his mom instead of our future in the long run.
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