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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Salaam Alaikum my Brothers and Sisters in Faith, I have recently endured so much pain and am affraid I am loosing my faith, and I am hoping someone out there could help me.... I got engaged to a girl on June 24th, 2013 and from that moment my life has taken a turn for the worse. I went to Dubai for my cousins wedding and had my family set up a "meeting" with a girl and her parents.The meeting went well (better than expected) and we ended up talking for 3 hrs. When I flew back to Canada we kept in touch via email and then moved to whatsapp. A month later she came to Canada (she is also a Canadian Citizen) to visit family. We began talking more and more, and I developed feelings for her. I was confused to start off with because I never really wanted a girl who wore hijaab (she is not the type of girl I typically go for). Our parents got a long great and everything seemed perfect. I began getting more serious about my religion (something ive always wanted) and started reading hadith on how to choose a wife. I began to really love her, and the fact she wore hijaab and practied her religion was something so wonderful, that I thought I found "the one". I always wanted a wife to go to mosque with, to share experiences of Ramadhan, muharaam, eid etc. Before we got engaged she told me she wasnt a virgin (I was upset, but I understood and could accept it, as I am not a virgin either - although I always practiced Mutah). I inquired about her past and was shocked to learn she engaged in homosexuality. I was so confused and perplexed as I thought this girl was the one. I spoke to my brother and family, created a pros and con list and was still confused. So I finally decided I should do istekhara and ask Allah to guide me for what ever is best for me. When I made my niyaat I asked so sincerely and in tears if I should marry this girl with her past, I also quoted the Quran and asked Allah that in the Quran it says he has created mates from amongst yourself so that you may dwell in peace and tranquility (i didnt know which verse this was, but I remember reading this while I was researching on how to select a spouse) and begged Allah that is she isnt the one to please help me so I can complete 50% of my religion and seek closeness to Allah. The mualana called me back later that day and told me my istekhara came out positive and the verse that came out was Sura Rum Verse 20-21. The shock is verse 21 is THE SAME LINE USED IN MY PRAYER! "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." I prayed so sincerely and only asked for closeness to Allah, and I believed my prayer was answered. I began to get more spiritual and for a brief moment was happy. After a few weeks we got engaged, and I was so happy that I chose a girl with deen over looks (Before meeting her I only wanted a pretty woman, but when I began reading I realized that Deen should always be my number 1 choice). We got engaged and our families were extremely happy. We use to recite duas together, remind eachother its prayer times (this is something i ALWAYS wanted), we even listened to islamic lectures together. However, throughout our conversations I always had a suspicion that she was hiding something from me, which bothered me greatly, as I was always open and honest to her. After the engagement, she went back home to visit family, the day before she left I inquired about her past and found something that greatly disturbed me. She was sexually active since the age of 13, she engaged in threesomes, she engaged in threesomes with her and two guys, and also homosexual activities. I was hurt digusted, but still loved her greatly. I strgonly believed in my istekhara and in Sura al-baqara it states "you may love something that is bad for you, and you may hate something which is good for you, only God knows". I wanted to help her and accept what she has done, and toghether we can climb the ladder toward Allah. She left for Ramadhan and I used this month to be closer to Allah and ask him for stregnth to endure (I can accept a past, but hers was so hardcore that is bothered me greatly). I prayed on the nights of Qadr for Allah to increase my faith, so that I may accept the istekhara with no doubt whatsoever. It seemed like each day I was learning more about her, and it got worse and worse...however, I loved her and believed she had repented and only God can judge. I accept her and endured so much because I love her and believed Allah knows best....she finally came back and things were going ok, then one day I get a call from her crying (I dont like to see her sad or cry, because throughout her past i believe she is a good person). She told me that the door to her past is open and she is affraid it wont close...what she told me shook my very foundation...she was apparently already married...and did a sposal sponsorhip with her husband and that she is legally married....she went behind her fathers back and married him although her father said no she did not listen. I realized that she knew this guy for 9 years and her love for him was unimaginable, and that she still loved him. I also found out during our meetings and when she came to Canada she was still in touch with him...which broke my heart and that she was also intouch with him after our engagement. I went with her to lawyers office to see what can be done....I helped her and directed her on how to get a divorce..i was able to except things I never thought I could, but this marriage issue was the icing on the cake and began to question her character and morality. How she could betray her parents who gave her unconditional love and support..She also told me she loved this guy more than me....I cant marry her if shes already married, and i did not want to force a divorce on her because if she loved this guy, i just want her to be happy....I also found out that her Dad forced her out of this relationship and then plugged her with me, which I found totally unfair on the both of us, as I want a wife who loves me and only me...Skipping forward we broke the engagement, as I wanted her to take time and think about what she wants, to reflect on her past actions, and see if she wants a change. I realized that she was with me only to make her father happy, and that her love for me developed later...I also realized that she doesnt understand how bad her sexual past is, and if you dont understand the gravity of the mistake/sin how could one truly repent? My question is, knowing all of this why would the allmighty make me go through so much pain? What was the point of all this? How come my istekhara came out coincidentally the same verse I used in my niyaat while doing the istekhara? Knowing her past I wouldnt have stuck around this long, but having faith and trust in Allah that he knows better made me stay as long as I did....I am so confused and hurt because i feel as though istekhara isnt real...i can deal with loosing love, but loosing faith and trust in Allah is so devastating...I am very sorry for the long read, but I humbly ask anyone to help me make sense of this for me... With Salaams,
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