In the Name of God بسم الله
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Good Evening brothers and sisters, I have gone through a hard year of decision making when it comes to a woman in whom i was going to marry. I have been a devote follower of Ahlul Bayt (AS) for all my life. I currently live in Kuwait. 3 years ago, I met a special woman while studying at university. When I first saw her I was overwhelmed with emotions; she was a respected sister in Islam. We used to talk on campus and became great friends in university. I wasn't ready financially to contact her father, and dint feel like he would accept me, being just a student. I decided to wait till graduation and prayed to God that he hastens that day and to instill me patience; was graduating in a year. However, love got the best of the both of us, and we decided to do something I personally didn't want to do; we exchanged numbers. During that time, we talked and texted a lot, which sadly also caused many expectations (Good mornings, asking how we are, etc...) and hence, drama started to happen. Although we had our ups and downs, we were still committed and determined to marry one another. Earlier this year (2017), almost 3 years into our relationship, I graduated and started to work and save up dowry (mahr) money. I contacted the father and he refused me, along with her mother. The main reason was nationality, for she was a Kuwaiti citizen and I was a Canadian (originally half Egyptian half Kuwaiti). The father stated that he worried about his daughter's future stability as marrying a Kuwaiti man would have lots of benefits (Housing, etc...). Nevertheless, I continued my prayers, du3as, and constant night prayers (salaat allayl). I came back and called the father during spring and he completely rejected me and told me to never call again, he also went to the daughter and changed her number, told her that he doesn't want anything to do with me, and if he figures out anything, she would be in trouble. To make matters worse, he even decided to find a man for her, and he was quick about it. She rejected the men he told her about, and during this time we didn't talk (almost 2 months). Finally, he called me and told me suddenly that he is sorry and that he had to tell me something. I went to see the father at a coffee shop, in where he told me that he was so sorry for his mistreatment. At this point I thought my prayers have been answered, and was really emotional while being around him. It wasn't until he told me something that has had me in deep depression since. The father told me that he was forcing his daughter into arranged marriage so that I wouldn't interfere in her life, and that they argued a lot at home and she even ran away to her cousin's house and slept there for a few days. She told him also that if you don't let me marry the man i want (me), I wont accept another man. He then threatened her and told her that I will put this man (Me) in jail for talking to you, and that she should better move on and become more "Wise". She told him "Ok". He then told me that she came home recently crying, crying her soul and was screaming in agony. When her parents asked her what happened she kept saying that its their fault, its their fault. Apparently, due to her parents rejecting me and forcing her into arranged marriage, and literally telling her that she will not marry me, the girl decided to chill around the wrong crowd at university, in where she met a man, or lets just say a "Wolf", who was Kuwaiti, and he told her that he is interested in her and all these lies. The girl being in depression, in denial, and angry, (Still not an excuse) decided to go out with this man to a nearby coffee shop, in where he locked the doors, drove off, parked somewhere, and tried to physically abuse her. Apparently, he almost went all the way, while beating her down till she was almost unconscious. Only thing we knew was he almost took her virginity, but he pretty much did everything else. He kicked her out of the car and drove off. She called her dad and went right to the police station, and it turns out that the man was not in university but only visiting. The cops are still under investigation. At this moment, I was speechless, hurt, and seriously pouring tears without saying a single word. The father was also tearing. He told me to please come and see his daughter. I went over and I just remember arguing with her, angry: Why did you do that? Where is your faith? Where is your fear of God? What happened? How could you even get into a car with a man you meet a week ago? WHY?!! The father calmed me down but I ignored what had happened to her or being there for her, as I was furious and sad. It is unlike her to do anything like this. She admitted her fault but also tried to blame the environment she was in lately, but that isn't a proper reason, no matter the situation. I decided to tell the father that I will need time to decide if I want to marry or not. Less than a month later, in Ramadhan 2017, I took a journey to Karbala, followed by Mecca and Madina. I was in deep prayers about the situation and it seriously affected me while I was on the journey. I felt intense feeling of betrayal, hate, rage, and ground bottom depression.I had 2 voices in my head, one telling me to be strong and forgive, while the other telling me to move on and that the relationship was cursed due to your haram actions of talking to her for years prior to meeting the father. When I got back, the father kept calling me and informing me that the girl has been in full repentance and prayers, her face has become lightened, and she changed completely; not only has she gone back to her good ways, but she has become way stronger in faith. He even mentions that he doesnt recognize his daughter anymore, that she has become to what he explained as the light of his house. I believed him because I know the feeling of a sinner when they truly repent. Allah is ever merciful, ever forgiving, and compassionate to all of us. She got back to university in September and all I heard from certain male friends that I know is that she is constantly at the prayer room between classes, while only goes to class and back home. Since September I haven't heard anything about her and I felt that I moved on, although when remembering the situation I still felt angry and sad, I kept my head high and focused on my work life. It wasn't until recently. Last Tuesday, while at work, I had one of my students tell me that she has a sister named the same name as my ex. This random saying suddenly happened to bring about an intense feeling and a flash of memories, even she the girl has been seriously off my mind. I started to notice that I suddenly became tired and sat down. Although I was constantly asking God to pardon my thoughts, forgive, and heal me at the moment, the emotions came more intense, and this time it wasn't rage, it was remembering what I loved about the woman. I was trying to convince myself that I am done with her, while claiming that these thoughts are from my waswas or a devil, I wasn't able to win. I realized I still cared for her, and felt like I had finally forgiven her for what she did. I didn't know if this was a sign that I could move on in peace, or a sign to call her dad and make the marriage happen. Still, I was shocked at my own feelings for being this way, and so suddenly at this moment while working. Surprisingly, her father called me, and informed me that his daughter has been constantly asking Allah for me to forgive her, and to find it in my heart to accept her, that she is a changed woman, a better woman than ever, and to at least remove the bad image I had of her. This call shocked me because what I felt earlier wasn't normal at all. Could her prayers been answered? Now my problem is this: I don't know if I should continue with her in marriage or not. Do i have feelings? Yes, I do. They aren't as strong as they were, but its still there, and although I am fully over what happened, its still judging my decision. I know if I get back with her, it would be beautiful for her relationship with Allah, and will definitely strengthen it; for she has been in repentance and is praying that Allah forgives her and changes my heart. What are some hadiths on this issue? About cheating, forgiving someone? What would you believe is best in Allah's eyes for me to do? At the end, I want to please Allah over anything. I did an estekhara about whether I should marry her or not, while at Karbala when I was there, and it turned out to be "Jayed" or "Sadeqa". My heart is neutral about this, its not against her and not with her, I really just want to please my creator after these sins. This issue has been a chaotic and emotional roller coaster. What would you do?
Salaam, I am not trying to insinuate that there is an epidemic of infidelity amongst married muslim women. God knows it is fairly uncommon amongst muslim women, and is way way more common amongst muslim men (which is pathetic and the justifications from men are too). Anyways, I was browsing the aboutislam.net website and there was a curious number of cases wherein muslim women anonymously online admitted to infidelity to counselors on the website. Here are the cases I could gather from the website that feature muslim women as the adulteresses in their marriage: (I honestly cannot understand even why the adultery took place in this situation. Sure the hubby lived away, but visits every week and I assume satisfies his wife in bed. Even if he does not, this is no excuse for this woman's animalistic behavior). http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/brother-in-law-forces-me-to-continue-our-haram-relationship/ (This one involved no physical infidelity, but was still pretty bad.) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/brother-in-law-seduced-me-my-husband-found-it-out/ (It is not clear if this one involves physical infidelity, but again bad.) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/wife-still-love-ex/ http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/wifes-dating-another-man-shall-divorce/ http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/i-cannot-trust-my-wife-anymore/ (This one is extremely over-apologetic and is about as pathetic in its justification of zina as much as when men use these same tired excuses. I also dislike the counselor's response to this in the sense that his response made it seem like she was justified in her adultery. Not that financial ineptitude of the husband is a good thing, but at the same time this is a silly and pathetic excuse to use to justify FULL BLOWN AND SECRETIVE INFIDELITY FROM HER ACTUAL HUSBAND) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/i-cheated-on-my-careless-husband-left-home/ (This one has to be the most bizarre and messed up one I can think of, so not sure if this is normative) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/my-secret-relationship-with-our-male-servant/ http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/mom-cheating-on-dad-what-to-do/ http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/my-cousin-cheats-on-her-husband-how-to-help/ (This one is extremely over-apologetic and is about as pathetic in its justification of zina as much as when men use these same tired excuses. Not to say that sexual negligence is a good thing, but we are not animals and should instead learn to call a relationship quits and divorce before zina occurs) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/crimes-penalties/committing-zina-due-to-husbands-neglect/ (For those muslimah out there who yearn for a good emotionally and physically caring husband. Unfortunately this case involves such a man who unfortunately was given a rude awakening by his wife and her ironic infidelity since day one of the marriage) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/wifes-affair-with-brother-love-or-harassment/ (This one was also pathetic as literally not even a year into the marriage and the woman already commits some form of infidelity. I mean, seriously?) http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/divorce/how-to-deal-with-depression-after-divorce/ I think Dr. Haleh Banani really hits the nail on the head when she says it is important to not blame or scapegoat your spouse when infidelity occurs. As infidelity can still occur in a marriage despite good sexual and emotional satisfaction amongst spouses. Here is a good video you can watch for more info from Dr. Banani: https://muslimmatters.org/2015/01/22/keys-to-improve-your-marriage-with-haleh-banani-3/ In one of the articles that I saw wherein a muslim man confessed his wife's fling with the husband's brother, the answer given to the husband by the counselor is actually quite interesting and may point out that just because a man or woman in a marriage is sexually and emotionally satisfied in a marriage DOES NOT guarantee that infidelity won't occur. Here is the counselor's answer: "Apparently, she is very weak, thus completely susceptible to coercion! Maybe, she has such a bad self-image that she needs attention to make her feel good about herself. Maybe, the opposite is true, and she is so proud that she needs attention to maintain her overblown ego, which is actually the same problem just inverted; she only feels good about herself when others “love” her, because she does not love herself". The full qoute and article is in this link: http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/wifes-affair-with-brother-love-or-harassment/ Nonetheless, I am actually quite curious if muslimah and muslims on here can relate similar tales of other muslim women you guys and gals knew of or heard of who committed zina? (if any due to how rare it is amongst married muslimah)What are the trends amongst muslimahs who you know of who committed zina? I hesitate to observe patterns between the cases listed above in the links because when muslimah self-report infidelity online or offline for help they purposely omit key details that would placate more guilt on their part than they want people to know, and instead only include enough details to make the situation come across as a "mistake" so they can scapegoat and blame the husband. It is important that although muslimah rarely do zina, light must still be shed on the cases wherein muslimah do have such illegal intercourse. So, I appreciate your responses. If after reading all that and you feel depressed, and now suddenly don't trust muslimah and their ability to be fidel in a marriage. Then please don't. In fact one guy actually had the guts to pose such a surprising question and the response from the counselor is something we should contemplate on for both genders. Read the question and answer here: http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/deathly-afraid-future-wife-will-affair/
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