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(Bismillah) Salaam Alaykum I am in a dilemma with using online matrimonial website and I am not sure what to do. Recently, I was getting to know someone for marriage. I saw her picture but she hadn't had seen mine yet. The conversation went really well and we were hitting it off. After about an hour or two of talking, I showed her my picture and she suddenly changes her mind and says essentially (paraphrasing) that I am an amazing person but attraction is important for her too and she wasn't feeling that and just like that, she ended it. Earlier in the conversation she was really impressed and "mind blown" with how I converted to Islam, asking me about my ziyarat experience, hawsa and so on. But it seems like none that about me mattered anymore because of the attraction. Its happened before too. One girl after seeing my full length picture declined (I am not fat or obese, I am a regular at gym and sports), another had similar issues. I am starting to draw the conclusion that it really does not matter how "amazing" and "mind blowing" someone is, its means zilch, if you don't like their face? I guess my questions are: 1) How much importance should attraction hold? 2) From now onwards, should I just get a picture swap done straight away to avoid a repeat? Having said all this, I do agree that there can be a nervousness about speaking to someone who hasn't shown you their picture yet (for whatever reason) and you're slightly worried that what if you just don't feel any chemistry when you do see their picture and how do you break that too them. So from one perspective, I am glad these girls were just honest. As you can see, I am confused. What's the moral/right way of going about all this?

Salam I've been dealing with this question for some time now and was wondering what your thoughts would be about its answer. What's the right level of husband and wife showing love and affection in public? Some people don't seen to care about it at all; they hug, kiss etc. in public; Some are more strict. And most would simply say, "that's ok, let'em enjoy their time together." But I think it has different aspects; every culture has some sort of decency norms in this regards. like what would you feel if your parents kissed (that kind of kiss) in front of you? or if it's ok, what would you think of a Shaykh or scholar who holds the hand of his wife walking on the street (obviously more intimate gestures seem more shocking). Some time ago, I met one of my friends with his wife on the street, he introduced his wife to me like "this is *her first name* my beloved wife." Then after some time, I have a class about Protocols with foreign visitors and the teacher of that class -who looked, sounded and acted pretty 'westernised'- said: "Under any circumstance, one never introduces his wife to a male friend, it has a very bad meaning!." What are your thoughts?

salam everyone. im iraqi and the person i want to marry is lebanese. we are both shia and both follow sistani. i started speaking to him 2 years ago and told my mum within 3 months of speaking to him. she spoke to my dad and he straight away said "we don't know him or his family and not lebanese" obviously i was hurt but i expected it. i asked my oldest brother for help but he didn't seem too interested. i understand where my father is coming from because he always wanted us to marry an iraqi and whatever but no-one understands how perfect this guy is and i know everyone says that but my faith in Allah came back because of him, i love learning about my religion, i use to miss prayers and since i met him, i love praying on time. i am a better person, his character did that.. inshallah i want my future sons to grow to be exactly like him. i don't know what else to do. my sister spoke to my mum today that they shouldn't ignore it because I've been waiting for 2 years and its just plain wrong. how do i convince my dad? we don't want to disrespect him, we want him on board but he doesn't even want to take the chance to know him. i pray every time to Allah, and i am soo patient, it will happen when Allah wants it to happen but im so upset because his side of the family already loves me and is also waiting for my parents. i don't know if i am writing this for a opinion or just expressing my hurt but can anyone help me, advice me.. maybe even give me hope. thanks in advance everyone x

Is husband allowed allowed to hit his wife for no reason???

I am a shia girl and I have been very close to a sunni man for about 4 years now. We share an amazing bond together. He’s everything I have ever wanted in a husband. But I’m an Indian and he’s a pakistani and also he’s sunni and I’m shia which is the biggest issue here when it comes to our marriage. His family has agreed for this proposal and in my family everybody agrees but we are too afraid to inform my father as he disaproves marriages of such kind. If anyone can please help me out to give me a dua that can melt My father’s heart for this proposal. I’ll be very thankful to you and will always remember you in prayers. thank you

Salam aleykom! I have A sister who's very very religious. I have never seen A more religious woman who lives in the west. She prays on time, never skip prayer, never had any contact with any guy, she didn't put makeup until she got married (she got married at The age of 23 in iraq). Her husband seemed good and nice and all that but not very religious. So they got married and after that My sister never slept without crying. He was really bad to her. It have been to many problems between The Two of them for me to write it in here. So in The Holy Quran Allah SWT says "Good women are for good men and good men are for good women". I really dont understand this can anyone explain? I mean My sister she is good, very good and she always listens to him and she pleases him and his evil mother. I could never stand out with the pain she has been through. I would've been crazy within an hour. So she is good really so why did she get such a bad husband? And he abused her 2-3 times. They have been married 2 years now. They had A fight 2-3 months ago and she is considering a divorce. Her husband and his parents knows that but still they didn't care. She is staying with me and our family now.

It is narrated that the Holy Prophet once said: ما بني بناء في الإسلام أحب إلى اللَّه عزّ وجلّ من التزويج The Holy prophet says: "Indeed, there is no institution in Islam that has been built that is more beloved and dear to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى than the institution of marriage". But a successful marriage does not come merely from finding the right partner, but through being the right partner. There are three areas that we men need to focus on to become virtuous husbands. Marriage counsellors and psychologists identify these three elements as the 3 A's of a healthy relationship. 1. Affection 2. Appreciation 3. Attention The virtuous husband is affectionate. Husbands often assume that their wives know that they love them. The Holy Prophet (PBUH) reminds us that this love has to be verbally affirmed on a regular basis. Rasoolallah (SAW) says: قَوْلُ الرَّجُلِ لِلْمَرْأَةِ إِنِّي أُحِبُّكِ لَا يَذْهَبُ مِنْ قَلْبِهَا أَبَداً When a husband says to his wive that I love you, indeed those words will never leave her heart. And for God's sake. Be romantic every once in a while. There is a hadith that the Holy Prophet (PBUH) would encourage to be romantic with their spouses. Rasoolallah says: ان الرجل ليوجر في رفع اللقمة الئ في امراته The Holy Prophet (PBUH) says: Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى rewards a man for placing food in the mouth of his wife. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى even rewards the man for this romantic gesture with his spouse. The virtuous husband is also appreciative. Husbands often take their spouses for granted. It is narrated that the late 'Allamah Tabataba'i, the author of the famous Tafseer ul-Mizaan, deeply appreciated the support system he found in his wife. He once said: "It was this woman who allowed me to reach this position. She has been my partner, and whatever books I have written, half of the credit belongs to her." And finally, the virtuous husband is attentive. In order to give attention to someone, you have to spend time with them. Time is the most valueable gift you can offer your wife. In a tradition from Rasoolallah (SAW), the Holy Prophet exhorted men to spend quality time with their spouses. Rasoolallah (SAW) says: جلوس المرء عند عياله أحب إلى اللَّه تعالى من اعتكاف في مسجدي هذا The Holy Prophet says: "A man sitting with his family is more beloved in the sight of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى than spending the night in worship in this mosque of mine". We ask Allah (AWJ) to give us towfeeq to be virtuous husbands, wa sallallahu ala Muhammad wa ala tahirin.

Assalam o alaikum... My husband to be is 12 years older than me..does our society and culture accept this much age dufference ? and what Islam say about age gap bw husband and wife? should I have to worry about it?

Asalamalekum, Can the negative and fearful thoughts about the Nikah not being recited properly, void and invalidate the marriage? Even though I know from bottom of my heart that my Nikah was performed correctly almost 2 years ago, My Nikah was performed almost 2 years back, the problem was that “the representative asked me twice if I accept my wife in marriage and I said yes each time. Later when I went home I started getting negative and unwanted thoughts about my nikah, that the scholars are supposed to ask me three times.” Therefore, I contacted a Mujtahid and he said my nikah is valid. But the thoughts would not stop and kept on bothering me, I don’t know if its shaytan, but the thoughts kept playing in my head all day wherever i was. The sending of the bride ceremony did not occur at the time of the Nikah, and I went abroad leaving my wife back home. So, I decided that these unwanted thoughts would remain with me forever unless I recite the nikah formula again. So, when I went back for our “sending of the bride ceremony” this January, I stayed at my in laws house for couple day. And me and my wife were together, and we got intimate and I think we might have done intercourse but I am not sure. Because I had received a fatwa from a Mujtahid that my nikah is valid and I don’t have to repeat the “segha” but it is also permissible and no problem even if I repeat it. Afterwards, "before the sending of the bride ceremony" I went to the scholar and he repeated the segha again. But now I am really confused about few things; 1) was my first nikah recitation valid? 2) the intimate relationship I had with my wife before the second recitation, was that halal? 3) And was the last recitation valid and can the negative and unwanted thoughts about nikah not being done correctly void my nikah? Many thanks for helping me!

#husbandpenguin #wifepenguin

I originally posted this in the brothers forum; however, another brother suggested I post this in the sisters' forum. Here is some advice I gathered from being married. (these are not in any logical order) 1) Find enjoyment and pride in beautifying yourself for your husband, and maintaining modesty outside the home. Discover what your husband likes in terms of appearance for the home: have fun shopping for nice pretty pieces of clothing for the home. I find it really enjoyable to go shopping with sisters, choosing clothing, fragrances, and makeup for the house. One of my female coworkers (non-muslim) once told me she finds it very charming how Muslim women buy beautiful pieces solely for their husbands, while maintaining modesty outside. 2) Figure out which dishes and cuisines your husband prefers and finds appetizing. Spend time learning recipes and perfecting them. Select elaborate dishes for special occasions or for "dates" at home. 3) Set aside time once a week for a "date" with your husband. Always make sure to find time with your husband to keep things eventful and entertaining. These don't have to be spontaneous; rather, I find it great to pick one specific thing both of you enjoy, and find time to do these things, especially during stressful or busy times. 4) Figure out something your husband excels at, and appreciate, and thank him (especially things that pertain to homemaking). For example, my husband is really knowledgable about tea and coffee brewing. Sometimes, men want to help around the house as well, and sometimes they may feel that you do everything for them, and they would like to pamper you in the same manner. Make sure to always thank him for whatever he does, no matter how often he does it. Just because, say he always makes tea for you, or buys you clothes, does not mean you should forget to thank him for what he does. Let him know that, you ALWAYS appreciate what he does for you. ​5) Find time for religious learning together. Whether it be reading Islamic books or articles. Find time to incorporate religion into your daily lives. Read and recite Qur'an together. 6) Allow him time for his friends. Some sisters feel they want to always be his priority (and you should be), but make sure he has time to talk to his friends as well. Also, having other sisters to communicate with (especially converts) makes being a Muslim sister even more comforting and enjoyable. 7) Appreciate his hobbies. As long as the hobbies are halal, make sure that you do not criticize or mock his interests. If he enjoys video games, allow him to partake in these activities, and respect them. Do not call his hobbies "childish" or "stupid." In turn, make sure he respects your hobbies as well. If he prefers to be alone during these times, allow him to do so. If you feel lonely, find a hobby that you enjoy as well. 8) Respect his need for intimacy. This one is pretty self explanatory. Sometimes, men have more of a "drive" than women, try to understand his disposition is different than yours. But also make sure he respects your boundaries. Communicate about your likes and dislikes pertaining to intimacy; do not judge his preferences, as long as they are halal, you do not need to worry. 9) Keep a clean home (if you are the homemaker exclusively: I understand this isn't a required duty for women) A clean house keeps one's mind focused and relaxed. I know that if my house is untidy, I find things like assignments and work even more daunting. 10) If arguments occur, respect what calms your husband down. If your husband needs to cool off by going outside or driving, do not prevent him from doing so. Even though sometimes we wish to be stubborn, understand continuing an argument only creates further strife and discord. 11) If your husband strays from Islamic teachings or principles, offer advice respectfully, and make a point to state your intentions are only to help him in this world and the hereafter. Do not condemn him outright, rather impartially speak to him, in a calm, but warm manner. 12) Do not allow jealousy to come between you and him. If you are feeling jealousy, simply tell your husband why you may feel jealous, do not accuse him of dishonorable things. Speak like "I feel ___" not "You make me feel ___". This is very accusatory, and makes your husband feel as if he is wronging you. (Obviously, if he does wrong you and you have reasonable evidence that he has done so, this is an entirely different manner). Let him know your jealousy does not come from you feeling he is dishonorable or unfaithful, rather it comes from your love for him. In general, jealously is very harmful for a woman, and she must combat this. At the same time, men can be equally jealous or more so; I am not saying this is an exclusively female trait. 13) Compliment him in both regards to surface and deeper levels. By surface I mean, compliment his appearance, and by deeper, I mean his piety, righteousness, and character. Everyone needs to be complimented on both. But make sure you appreciate both of these aspects. For example, women enjoy when their husbands call them beautiful, but also when their husbands say they are great mothers and modest, religious sisters. ​This is all I could think of for now. More advice would be great :)

Asalaam Alaikum brothers and sisters! I had a quick question concerning hijab and marriage. I currently live in the United States, and I am an American convert, hamdullilah, and I had a question concerning Islamic dress. My husband tells me I dress too conservative (I wear an abaya, or skirts, and usually a black or grey hijab (similar to the Iranian manner), and he often tells me that I do not need to wear the hijab so conservatively. I respect his opinion, and I thank Allah he is a very understanding man, but I did not know what I should do. I personally enjoy dressing conservative, and I believe it leaves more for him to be seen, but sometimes we can argue over this. Should I listen to my husband and dress less conservatively, or is it more appropriate to continue dressing the way I do. A few times I wore pants and a long shirt dress for him, but I feel awkward and not as protected in these clothes. Any advise from scholars or married people would be best, thank you :)

(bismillah) (wasalam) InshAllah you are well. I had been noticing a new divorce "trend" that has been seemingly augmenting among muslim communities recently. Divorce (Talaq) is one of the worst and hated halals that exists in Islam, but being the most realistic religion, Islam accepts divorce as a reality in certain social circumstances. How divorce's existence, or nonexistence, affects society as a whole is a different topic. But my question is, are we justifying too many 'silly' circumstances that are out of our comfort zone to mandate divorce? We all have flaws and only through genuine prayer and jihad of nafs do we allow ourselves to grow spiritually. I understand that it's easier said than done but whether from experience or by other means, what do you personally think are some of the most common reasons for divorce, how should they be avoided? Some reasons that I could think of from the top of my head (not in any specific order): 1.Spouses not educated about their Islamic responsibilities/rights in a marriage 2.Not aiming to live a God based marriage 3.Education and social prestige are prioritized over motherhood and responsibilities of a wife 4.Lack of forgiveness 5.There is a lot of blaming rather than self reflection 6.Lack of kindness 7.There is a lot of family meddling without proper management of the spouses 8.Lack of trust 9.Lack of attention and respect to the spouses interests --- (can translate to individuals 'worth' in the eyes of the spouse) Please feel free to add to the list, any relevant contribution helps inshAllah! jazakAllah khairan, mysterious secrets

As salam alleikom, I need help and some advices from u, brothers and sisters. My husband is Sunni, but we have no religious problems, We r married a few months only and I thought, everything is OK. We live in UK. But 2 weeks ago I found out, he is still in contact with his ex-girlfriend who left him because of another man more than 2 years ago !!! I read on FB some things like she is still missing him, he miss her, want meet with her - or maybe they really met together, this I dont know. But I know, they wanted meet, he gave her his phone number, my husband told her that : Jinn is telling him to be with HER! When she asked him about his situation, if he has some love, some relationship now, he reply: NO :no: I know, the girl is now married and is pregnant with her husband now, she converted to Sunni islam coz her husband. I m went away from my husband for holidays to my family to other country for 3 weeks, but I dont know, what to do when i ll come back to him. Coz I m really sick from that and feel very bad. I dont know how to start speaking with him about this...I m afraid, if i ask him, he ll get angry or tell me that it is my fault. But I really loved him, never did anything bad to him. Plz, I need some advices and yours opinions, I have nobody, no friends to advice with them what to do. And I juist cant tell about this problem to my parents. What would u do on my place? thank you for any idea, Jazak allahu khayr

Salaam aleikom! I was discussing a couple of days ago with my friends about men and what they seek in wives. I know that looks doesn't matter to most woman (well, looks as in he doesn't have to be a model) but when me and my friends discussed, one friend of mine said that looks matter so much to men that they'd choose a non-religious wife who's very beautiful rather than a "normal" looking, average girl who's as religious as they want their wife to be. Now I can't read minds. I don't have a husband and no brothers that I can talk to regarding this topic. So I'd like to ask some of the brothers here on SC. 1. Would you rather pick a Angelina Jolie kind of girl but she's not religious or would you rather pick a average looking girl but who fits your religiousity criteria? 2. How important is looks? 70 %? 60 %? 3. Could you accept a girl who's beuatiful but has for example acne, under eye circles or bad teeth etc... Meaning, does she have to be perfect? Sorry if this topic has been brought up before. Nevertheless, I still hope you can help me. Thank you!

can someone please give me the ayat, hadeeth of fatwa where it states that a woman cannot be forced into wearing hijab, but that it should be from her own free will. JazakAllah Khairan for your answers (wasalam)

Salam, So in Islam, it is the responsibility of the husband to name a child, correct? Is this his right or just a responsibility? Also, why isnt the responsibility given to the wife? Is it because women would die from childbirth often and not live to see the child or something? Thanks.

Sallam Alykum, I thought it would be a nice thread to have all our married persons here to give us a tip or two for us unmarried folk on marriage. What advice do you think all people should know before marrying or for those who are newly weds? The Prophet (SAWA) said, 'Whoever wants to meet Allah pure and immaculate should meet him accompanied by a wife.’ [bihar al-Anwar, v. 103, p. 220, no. 18]

Not expecting idealism The husband must not expect the wife to be ideal and the reverse applies, because no one knows everything except Allah and just as the husband did not marry the ideal wife, likewise the wife did not marry the ideal husband. Hence, one of them might meet, in the course of his or her life someone who is better for himself(or herself), but that does not at all mean that one desires what is not meant for him.