Asalamu aleikum,
I had just recently adopted Twelver Shi’ism about a week ago from being a practicing Sunni (Hanafi) Muslim. As of right now, I’m currently doubting myself on everything revolving the maintenance of my faith. My parents are Bangladeshi immigrants who are Traditional Hanafis and I frequently go to family gatherings with other Bengali Sunni Muslims who frequently congregate for Salat. I also had just recently graduated from University where I met a lot of great Sunni Muslims who I still interact with today and my Muslim friends are all Sunni.
For some perspective about my family, my dad one time saw me praying in sadl position three years ago when I was studying the Maliki school of thought at the time and immediately confronted me after I prayed because “we are a Sunni family, not Shi’a”. Even though I simply corrected him in stating that I was praying in a valid position under one of the mainstream Sunni schools of thought. He still didn’t budge because he didn’t even know what I was talking about (he just blindly follows what other Bengali Hanafis do and he’s not even informed what a madhab even is lol) and so I went back to being Hanafi to avoid any strained relationship. My mom seems to not really care about Shi’as and she prefers unity over communal division. My sister is a “cultural Sunni” who’s agnostic but views Shi’ism as weird. My dad has always forced me to pray at our local Sunni mosque for every Isha and still does (doesn’t bother me anymore since I returned to Islam four years ago but this previous cultural coercion led to my nihilistic atheism phase in my teens).
Due to my very Sunni-centric environment, I’m constantly forcefully doubting my Twelver beliefs just to fit back into my normal life. However, I know it’s theologically absurd to change my beliefs on this issue alone but I really do feel some of my Sunni peers will view me as “less Muslim” if I came out as Shi’a. It feels so “two-faced” whenever I’m praying in congregation with Sunnis when I’m intentionally praying alone (my marja is al-Sistani btw). I also love frequenting several mosques in my area for daily prayers and meeting fellow brothers to connect with. There’s only one Shi’a mosque near me that does active programs but doesn’t open up for daily Salah (the main aspect I really miss). The Shi’a mosque is also just packed with frequented Pakistani uncles that I don’t relate with but there are more younger people who show up for Majlis events.
This might sound obscure but it honestly does feel like I converted to a different religion on the way I have to attend a certain mosque and hold dissident theological views from my Sunni counterparts.The mourning ritual is what I’m still getting used to and sometimes I just get the constant thoughts in my head, “this is not real Islam”. Despite all of this, my beliefs are still aligned with Twelver Shi’ism but man do I wish I never went down this rabbit hole of searching for deeper truth…