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In the Name of God بسم الله
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salam alaykum! When i was a child I got abused by my father. He used to abuse my mother and siblings too. sometimes he would just leave me and my family for a long time, like a half year. He would go to our homeland, iraq. After some time we decided to move there. We lived there a year and then moved back. Time passed, he changed. He's not abusing me anymore. Not long time ago my brother started to abuse me. One time he even wanted too kill my mother, i know its crazy. He was out of he's mind. My mom did forgive him. But now we moved back to iraq. I really don't want to live here but i want a change. I used to pray but not all the time, its on and off. I was in a really dark place. No one was there for me not even my mother. Whenever I would tell her in tears that I'm feeling sad and she'd say "you are so unthankful go away". But after the years passed i started to sin. I lost my faith. I believed in Allah SWT of course but I wasn't really righteous or so. I've been suffering a lot. But after all this time I started to pray. I've become more righteous. But the thing is my mother, she always says something or does something to push me away. I'm so tired. I'm really trying to be good with her. I admit i'm not the perfect child. i have my mistakes. but It feels like she doesn't even love me, seriously. I feel very unloved in my family. Its not like i've been the devil or so hahah. I'm understanding to my parents, i don't get them upset, i don't get angry at them unlike my brother. He has never been understanding he has just been a huge pain in the ass but still they love him more. I'm not jealous i just want to know why? have i done something to make them hate me? whenever i ask them they say that they love me even more than my brother. I know its a lie, I'm not a fool. I'm just tired not having anyone by my side. and now when i've moved to iraq it just made things worse. I really want to move back. I'm just so tired, I'm exhausted. Seriously i wouldn't mind if someone would kill me and that makes me sick, because i should be grateful for breathing. I'm really trying to have patience. When i didn't pray i was really depressed and i felt empty but now I pray but still i feel exhausted but not depressed. Not like before. What should i do? can i even do anything? Is Allah trying to test my patience?
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