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Salam everyone, Those of you who have known me long enough on this forum also know that I post almost no personal stuff here. Next to nothing. Nonetheless, this forum has been an important part of my journey, from my teenage years as a nervous, anxious convert, to the entirety of my early youth, to the present phase as I am heading towards 30 years of age. This space has been the community which I lack in real life. So I am looking for advice and perspective. I don't know how to phrase all of this properly and coherently, since my thoughts are a jumble. But to cut it to chase- I have given it much thought, as well as approached the question instinctively. I think I want to stay celibate for the rest of my life. Again- curt and terse as it all may sound- I believe the following reasons, a mix of physiological, psychological and social conditions, have contributed to my decisions: Long bouts of childhood illness have left me a cripple. Childhood meningitis, and a relapse of the same, have resulted in several deformities. I have a curved spine, somewhat deformed limbs, weak lungs, and major loss of vision in one eye. I have a ton of psychological issues. Physical and mental abuse from early childhood have left deep traumatic imprints, which I am still assessing, thanks to the increasing awareness about mental health. I have ADHD and Dyscalculia (clinically diagnosed) and possibly mild autism (although my doctor is not entirely sure about this). I also have anxiety and frequently experience panic attacks. I have tried medications to cope with these but those weren't of much help. Socially speaking, as practically everyone, especially the veterans on the forum, knows, I am a convert (or a revert, whatever, I don't care about the semantics). I have no social capital, no connections, no pedigree to vouch for myself. All of you know how our communities are. I am pretty 'rootless' in that respect. There are other constraints due to which I still have to live with my non-Muslim family. Due to a combination of these factors (and maybe more), I think I want to stay celibate. I know that our religion doesn't think highly of this route. All the same, I strongly feel that I don't have the aptitude for marriage. Physically, emotionally, socially, maybe even financially, I don't make the cut. Maybe it's my own ineptitude and shortcomings. Maybe it's the scars that I have accumulated in the course of my life. I don't feel there's much point debating. The point that remains is this- celibacy and living the rest of my life alone is my choice. I won't be able to do justice to my potential significant other- a partner who sticks out like a sore thumb in all aspects of life is not something that anyone deserves, not something that should be imposed upon them. I'll be perpetually guilt-ridden, as if I have held them hostage for life when they could have enjoyed a perfectly normal existence. I don't want to do this, neither to someone else nor to myself. Oddly (and sorry for the abruptness), I am drawn to monasticism. I feel a pull towards monks when I see them. Their serene contentment looks like an island of calmness in a stormy see of suffering. I know our religion doesn't permit this. You could call contemplating such a life for myself a 'guilty pleasure' of mine, I guess. I want to be away, shut out from the world. I have little to contribute to this world, and it will matter very little to the world when I finally lie down to rest, never to get up again. I struggle with these thoughts, these tugs and pulls. Is what I am doing haraam? If so, then is there any way out for me (from a Shariah perspective)? I have dropped the 'filter' here, partly due to the very nature of the discussion, and partly because I don't know how else to put all of this. I hope I am coherent and adequately comprehensible. Shaykhina @Abu Hassanain would be interested in knowing your point of view too.

Voluntary celibacy: Why some people are embracing life without sex (msn.com)