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In the Name of God بسم الله
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it's hurting my relationship with my mom, and my schoolwork.......i obsessed over a childhood friend of mine (who moved away when I was in the 7th grade and she was in the 5th grade, and who i last saw when i was in the 9th grade and she was in the 7th grade, her name was Halime)....unfortunately, astaghfirullah, my sins are great....to keep her memory alive, i fantasize about her while pleasuring myself, and i am still trying to kick this habit......i often cuddle with my pillow, because i am more comfortable sleeping on my belly, while holding a pillow, and i can not help but pretend it is her.....today, i was at lunch at school, and i texted my mother asking her about my college application, and she texted back, and then i was asking her if i can court the girl while i am in my 3rd year of college, and she's in her first year of college......she simply wrote, "stop it" and i kept texting her asking for an answer, because she knew the girl's mother better and i did not know if the girl's parents would let her court in college.....i texted her and called her multiple times in a panic, and she didn't respond...i had asked, "would they allow it," and i apologized for texting her during her work and asked her not to tell my father, she said she didn't tell my father, and then she simply wrote, "no they would allow it," i was confused by the grammar, and kept asking her to clarfiy, but she didn't respond, and eventually, she said, "no, they would not allow," after I told her i was having a panic attack, and that i might have a meltdown (I have autism).......but only after a long time of waiting........i went a long time without doing much work in school because i was caught up.....but i as worried because there was one assignment i had to do, but the teacher wasn't there so i was unsure if i COULD do it or not, so i was afraid of getting a bad grade, also, the students were very rowdy....but finally, when i went to a busy class, i asked the teacher for permission to see a counselor, and she said yes, but the special education counselors were not available, and the regular counselor was not available for the past few hours and for another long period of time, so i went to the clinic because i was having thoughts of self harm ( i had even begun to slap myself on the chest out of frustration), but she said "it is outside my area" i told her i had already hit myself, and she got mad and said it is still outside her area, and when i tried explaining i was saying it just because......she wouldn't let me talk.......i finally got to talk to an assistant principle and a coach i trust, and calmed down, and went to class....later, my mom was coming home from work, and she said i could court her, and we went out to eat at a restaurant, and go to my sister's house to feed her cats while her and her husband were away.......but on the road home, she eventually said, her parents would likely not let me court her in college, and i would have to wait until graduation, and i tried convincing her otherwise, but she wouldn't stop, so i tried asking her how to cope with this realization, and i was looking for emotional support, not logic, but she just kept yelling that there's nothing i can do.....i kept trying to get her to understand, but she wouldn't, and kept interrupting me, and when we got home she was smothered by me, and was seething mad at me.......i ask myself, "is it really worth it?" "the end result is going to be the same, but yet you have the compulsion, the seething urge to predict your future when only Allah knows the Unseen......including the future....and knowing won't make a difference....why can't you just live in the present and focus on your studies?????" i even asked a girl with a boyfriend for her phone number at school today, and got it..... i am sorry if i have bothered you.....
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