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﷽ Salamunalaikum, Ya Ali adrikni.. Hope everyone who's reading this is doing just fine (Insha'Allah). My name is Hasnain. I am here coz i don't have the faintest idea as to what I am supposed to do with my life... I am in desperate need of help/guidance/advice.. a lot of it. I wanna apologize ahead of time if i come off as a little arrogant, rude, childish and immature.. I really don't want to sound offensive and sorry if this post is going to be a very long one. Before I start sharing my thoughts I would like to say a few things first like I am aware and fully prepared for any kind of response I might get on this also some of you might think of me as a stupid/lazy bum or even criticize me like I am an entitled or privileged person or maybe weird etc., but honestly any of it wont matter coz somewhere deep down I do believe that i deserve stern criticism and wont try to play a victim card I'll gladly welcome any brutal/bitter advice from you brothers as this is the truth and reality. Anyway mincing no words... I am gonna be 30 yrs old in the next couple of months. I have completed my masters and yet I am unemployed. Yup you've read that right I AM still JOBLESS. Not that I am a differently abled person, its mainly because of my anxiety and depression issues. I once was a normal, happy and contented person but some terrible things happened a few years back which made me into what I am today. I've been having episodes lately which I don't feel confident enough to share publicly.. I don't know how to put what I feel in words I just don't know what to do in life, there's this void in me and nothing can seem to fill it. I don't have any sort of phobias for your info Alhamdulillah and also I don't have suicidal thoughts as am aware that its haram and the end result is hellfire and Allah's anger. I Love Ahlebait (عليه السلام) and I pray everyday without any excuse or delay I offer tahajjud prayers as well and I have been actively reciting the Holy Quran and all/various duas and ziarats like Dua e tawassul, dua noor, adila, nudba, kumail, ziyarat ashura, arbaeen, warisa etc. for the fulfilment of desires and rizq.. However, I rarely go out to attend Majalis in the month of muharram and most of the time I watch it on T.V or my device..... I know that I am a sinner and I have sinned heavily in my life but i also do Istighfar abundantly and out of love and fear of almighty.. I cry every night lying on my bed cursing and accusing myself and blaming myself for my amaals not being accepted coz of my past deeds/actions.. never have I ever in my entire life indulged myself in haram activities like smoking, drinking, gambling, womanizing never I swear... I know that no ones perfect or blessed not even me and I even understand that luck has no role in our lives its all based on our efforts & hard work... but I don't know why I cant go out and find some work or get a job.. there's this fear in me that has put me in shackles.. I am concerned that this might be a underlying sickness or some kind of phobia which has cost me a great deal.. all this pressure and stress has been eating me up on the inside.. I lack motivation and I roam aimlessly i am not sure what to do with my career I think this is the end of it.. I DONT even HAVE ANY FRIENDS.. I did have a few in the past but they too left maybe coz I am a worthless guy and they did the right thing I mean who would wanna be friends with someone like me who has panic attacks, depression, anxiety and no future no special talents or set of skills no WORK no social life.. I never leave home I have confined myself behind the walls I never attend events or parties due to my condition.. I feel tired and restless most of the time.. I often go on without drinking water and I don't feel like consuming meals all day as my appetite is mostly lost due to overthinking and freaking out... Many times I go without sleep staying wide awake on my bed lying motionless.. I have no physical activity and I have headaches and I take random medications painkillers for it to subside and rest of the time everything looks bleak and my vision gets blurry I just cant cope with anything.. I have tried some breathing and meditation methods in the past but all in vain now I have started to believe I am on the verge of impending doom... I am devastated, nothing makes sense to me anymore, I have no one to guide me or help me and I am really really scared of seeking professional help (i am afraid of shrinks).. I never wanted to say any of this I just share all this with my Imams (عليه السلام) and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) One Major attribution for my current circumstance I believe is that as a child I was always in trauma thanks to my dad... He was an abusive parent he'd hit me or my mom every time he had the chance.. he always blamed us for all the bad things that have happened in his life even for those things which occurred long before his marriage.. my mum was an angel she was super supportive she even took all the beatings just to save me from that monster :'( I am sorry I cannot and don't want to continue further as my eyes tear up every time I recall all those atrocities.. I know this is also a sin and may be recorded as gheebat.. I beg to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to do us justice and decide for him and all the oppressors on the day of judgement as he (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows best and he is the one who can punish them its not up to us as we are merely one of his feeble creation.. I just needed to vent as I am alone in this world I have no one to talk to anymore.. that is why I have tried and mustered up some courage to at least share it here with my Shia brothers.. its okay if no one replies to this I know that I sound weak, miserable and crazy but one thing I know for a fact is that I am not a liar and all of this isn't some kind of made up story my pain is not a lie... I don't need anybody's sympathy or anyone to feel pity for me coz I know that the world owes me nothing :'( I ask for forgiveness from my god and from you all if I have offended anyone among you.. I just want all my troubles to go away and be at ease as soon as possible is all.. as I feel I might be running out of patience and time I don't wanna die empty handed and with sadness by the side of my bed when I am alone in my old age I don't wanna be that person not at any cost I wanna do something meaningful and achieve all my goals but I don't have the courage and right mindset for it. So plz tell me what best options do I have? what should I do? what am I not seeing what is missing from me? I need answers I need resolution. How do I fight my inner demons? how do I come out of this never ending nightmare and this darkness engulfing me? how do I cross the bridge heck or build it in the first place?? please answer me.. someone? anyone??! Please excuse my English its going sideways as I am out of practice coz u probably know why I hope u guys understand what I meant to express. Thank you for your time and patience and also I appreciate all your help and valuable advice Also i wish that the Administrators or mods approve my post to come up on SC and wont delete it (fingers crossed). plz plz plz pretty plz if not anything just pray for me or at least just try n remember me in your duas I am literally begging you all :'( May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Hasten the reappearance of Imam Zamana (عجّل الله تعالى فرجه الشريف) Jazak'Allahu Khairan Khuda Hafez.

Hazrat Ibne Abbas (رضي الله عنه) narrated that Prophet Hazrat Muhammed Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) recites this dua in disquieting (Bechaini) or Anxiety. “Lailaha Illal Lahul Azeemul Haleem, Lailaha Illal Lahu Rabbul Arshil Azeem, Lailaha Illal Lahu Rabbus Samaa vaate Wa Rabbul Arze Wa Rabbul Arshil Qareem” Reference: “Sahi Bukhari” “No one is worthy of worship except Allah who is great No one is worthy of worship except Allah who is the lord of Arsh (celestial sphere) No one is worthy of worship except Allah who is the owner of the sky and land and prestigious Arsh” We all know that Prophet Yunus Alahi Salam was in the abdomen of the fish for 40 days but very few people know that how Prophet Yunus Alaihi Salam get back from there. Arabic verses: “Falaulah Annahu Qaana Minal Musabbeheen Lalabe Safi Baknehi Ila Yaomil Wa Afoon” Meaning: If he was not the paternoster (tasbeeh reciter), then he would be in the abdomen of the fish until the resurrection. The tasbeeh or litany that Prophet Yunus (عليه السلام) recited in that tribulation: “La Ilaaha Illaa Anta Subhaanaka Inni Quntu Minazzaa Lemeen” Reference: Surah-Al-Anbya (21:87) Meaning: “There is no good but you, exalted are you, Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers. Reference Source: 5 Magical Dua for Anxiety and Depression

islam depresses me. I feel like whenever I worship and follow the rules that I'm doing it either out of fear or for want of a reward. And by fear I don't mean the kind of fear that is like awe and reverence, I mean being afraid and by reward I don't mean the reward of being closer to Allah or more at peace but the reward of paradise. I feel so under stress about it and so hopeless in following the religion successfully that I'm beginning to understand why these young men around the world go and blow themselves up in order to get to paradise. Of course I would never do such a thing in a million years, but sometimes the thought does cross my mind to go to gaza or syria and help fight so that I can become a martyr and be successful in the hereafter. But then I feel like this would be selfish towards my family. Speaking of whom I really want to be able to help one day by becoming a doctor and making them proud as well as improving their economic situations but all this other stuff is on my mind so much that I cannot focus on studying at all and my grades are starting to slip. I also tend to have really bad nightmares at night that are so bad it seems like i'm being punished for my bad deeds in my sleep. idk if this is God punishing me or shaytan messing with me. So each night I go to sleep in fear, i try to recite the three kuls, seek refuge with Allah ect. but that doesn't always work. Also for background reference, I got into some pretty dark things a year ago, listening to dark satanic music, following satanic blogs on the internet, not because I agreed with the stuff but because I thought it was kind of cool. I also was being pretty rebellious against my family- smoking weed and drinking, ect. But even doing this time God was on my mind, not necessarily about obeying him or wanting to get closer to him ect., but more in a philosophical way. The thing that ended this bad spell in me however was when I had a horrible, painful trip on marijuana in which I completely lost my mind. It was so terrible that I attempted suicide during it just to escape from the anguish I was experiencing at that moment. It was so bad that I actually thought I may had died and gone to hell or that I had went insane and that I was going to be that way for the rest of my life. Thinking about it still makes me cry. Thankfully however, I had friends there to console me and the bad trip went away but it was a highly unusual experience for marijuana, so I knew it was God's way of showing me that I needed to turn my life around. But as I mentioned before, I was so confused because of all of the philosophy i was into that I still gave up on religion and decided to just let Allah guide me and thankfully I was guided back to islam- or so I think. But since then I have intense fear that the bad trip will fall upon me one way or another even though I'm not using drugs anymore and this is one reason that keeps fear of Allah instead of love of Allah on my mind. And to top it all off, idk which school or movement of islam to follow and the hadiths confuse me, there are many that are beautiful but also many which blatantly go against the Quran and the character of the Prophet(pbuh) and make the religion seem harsher than what the Quran alone depicts it to be. I know Allah is more merciful and kind than what I've been thinking Him to be and I know a lot of this is probably shaytan trying to get me to lose faith in Allah and myself but whenever I try to turn myself around I just get stuck with one of the things i mentioned above. All I want is peace, good, Allah, and to be able to live life. your brother in islam