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First of all, my dad is what in our society (im from islamabad, pakistan) we'd call "religious". He prays five times a day, fasts, gives zakat, knows widely about the religion, and makes sure we know all of that. The part where he strays is that he believes my mom likes to show herself off, and likes the attention of other men. She can't do something as simple as taking a shower and going to work (teaching grade 1 students) the next day, without my dad thinking she's trying impress someone My mom has sacrificed her life for us, compromised for us (im the eldest daughter (17) , and i have three younger brothers (12,9,8)), because four years after the marriage he started showing his true colours. Btw, this was an arranged marriage, so none of that "maybe he feels like she'll love someone else". He's just an insecure man, with anger issues, who has never blamed himself for anything or openly apologised for the big arguments HE causes (not in the time ive been alive and been able to understand), thinks he knows best and there is no one better than him, doesn't have ANY real friends, and the one he does have, he constantlysays [Edited Out] about him to my mom, and then goes and places his world to the feet of this friend (btw this friend isnt alll that amazing either, but least he isnt a [Edited Out] bag like my dad( believe me i know)). when i was younger he used to physically abuse and hurt my mom, and he used to hit me too. he even went to saying that I also have a boyfriend when all i did was go upstairs to get a book (apparently there was some guy at the balcony opposite to our house, and i was " trying to communicate with him". i didnt take this lightly and raised voice and finger and started hitting me and dragged me down the stairs, and just like my nine year old self, i wanted to die and just kept repeating ' should have jusy killed me you ass' (this was two years ago). we had video camerasn around the house so mom opened them up, and showed i had done no such thing. he didnt apologise, he didnt even do anything to show remorse, instead justified everything from thefact that a raised my voise and held my finger up. a year ago, i was upset with him for another reason, and i told my mom. i told her to leave it that it was whatever, ill get over it. but she bought it up, and we got into an argument, and i do admit i shouldnt have misbehaved again (only verbally like raising my voice or rolling my eyes) but he got so aggressive and tried to slap me so i stopped him and threw his hand away,,, he went to the kitchen and got a knife , and all i could think agout was my mom cause she was trying to stop him and he kept saying "THIS IS WHY YOU SEE FATHERS KILLING THEIR DAUGHTERs ON THE NEWS" and "YOUVE TAAUGHT THEM NOTNHING YOUNSELFISH, USELESS, (swear word, more swear words, swearing at her family)". a couple a days ago, hes started fighting with her again even though its my international exams that make up my grade for my university. in the morning i woke up to my mom begging him to just stop cause he kept saying "i know what you do, i know your actions, i know your disgusting behaviour" (btw we know that this craziness is over once he just starts getting , ok? like it just dies down). as a child, id always step in, even get a few slaps if i had to to get in between him hurting her, but ive grown now and know my duties given to me by Allah, about respecting my parents, and getting in between ( my mom also keeps saying its just two more years, you'll be off to uni then and everything will be fine, and ' pls dont waste my sacrifices' everytime i want to interfere (hes threatened stopping me from studying several times). ever since i was small my dad has told me to aim for a scholarship because he knew more abput this stuff, but now i think, would he even let me leave the city let alone country to continue studies? hes rejected going to a psychologist, talking to anybody (he doesnt believe he has a problem, he thinks my moms the problem) about this, he says we make him angry and that before marriage he was never like this ( he has changed a lot in the sense that my mom and i can wear clothes like jeans but only with long shirts (my moms always worn a duppatta over her head (covers her hair)). cant get my dads side involved firstly, theyd love this. secondly, theyre all like this themselves. his sisters do burka andd all but theyre always free to go wherever whenever, meet whoever. they sometimes go ariund with this 'pir' (guy who does black magic) but if we point that out, all hell would brreak loose on us. (his sisters got married to two brothers, so same household). theyre background is from a not even respectable village, so i cant count on them. cant tell my moms side, they already have their own financial and family issues (my mom doesnt want us four to become a drama in our family, whatever that means cause like our house isnt already a drama). sometimes my mom gets so fed up, she says "MAY Allah TAKE ME SO YOU (my dad) CAN HAPPY AND MARRY ANOTHER WIFE" and now hes started saying " may he, so you burn in hell". he says all these other wives are so obedient and nice, but shes not. he says the money my mom brings in holds no value to him, even though she doesnt get to use it, he uses it all, our groceries and school fees are payed with it (oh and he hasnt had a job in years, sells plots and gets profit, but now none of that is working either so the 'no valued' monry shes been bringijng in since 6 years, is all that is coming into our house. hes in the world where Allah has made him the ' man' of this household, however he doesnt fulfill the duties and says my mom is the reason why there are no blessings in her house. he tells her to leaveher job, and says Allah will provide us with the money, that we'll be fine without hers (our fees are cut 75% short because of her, and we get house groceries, petrol for the car, and whatnot from her salary and our rent (which again is none of his own hardwork, our grandfather gave us this house)). i know this is very long, but please help me. ive thought about killing myself from the age of 7 to 14, i even used to self harm thinking if he saw me in the state hes put my mind in the pressure and the mistreatement (moms mistreatement is what gets to me, he doesnt do much to my brothers except for the middle one whom he thought wasnt his and rejected him emotionally for four years and now hes become habitual on scolding him the most, and my brother knows my dad rejects him the most but all he does is get upst over it). ive been so patient these pasts months, but ive had enough. this morning i walked in on them , half sleep, holding everything i could grab (like spray bottles, perfumes, my bloody mascara botle) to throw it at him because it seemed llike he was gonna get physical again. please help me, please please pplease

As salam aleykum I have a friend (non muslim) who is about to get married.She has been treated badly by her family and was abused as a child, her fiance was also abused and is an alcoholic. I also have been abused by a close relative when I was young. Basically I am happy that he opened up about his situation and seems he will seek therapy.However I am very uncomfortable, for instance my friend leaves me in the room alone with him even when he was drunk, and I felt he is developing unhealthy feelings towards me.I want her honestly to leave him I know she loves him, but if this was my daughter I would say you cannot save him, you must save yourself.I don't believe in giving up on people, but I also felt compromised being drawn into the middle of all of this.They are getting married in a hall not in a church and I am the "maid of honour" how can I stand up for them, and the person who abused her is walking her down the aisle, how can I let her marry him he is very sick it's one thing he is an addict but I feel he is quite cunning and manipulative I don't like the way he talks to her, she puts up with what i saw today and other day every single day!He uses what she went through to put her down.I am scared to even say this because I don't like it to come accross as backbiting.Even if I have to say something to stop the wedding why should I care what people think-how can they have children this way!My feeling is too make sure they go through with therapy, and if they don't I am going to have to plan a way to help her leave. What are my duties what are my obligations as a Muslim in this regard I mean I know in my heart I can't let her marry him.We cannot save people sometimes we have to save ourselves, I will pray but I cannot lie unless obviously if she is in danger I would question that. You know where she works many muslim mothers come and ask her if she's single, or pity you are engaged I would like you for my son.She is amazing!!He is so lucky to have her, but I think he is too sick that it comes to a point she will have to reject him if she realise she is strong. Am I also getting to involved with this.I know I will not be alone with him again!Why should I put myself in danger I also must have self respect.He had grabbed my hands at one point cornering me. Later when he thought i was asleep (I didn't leave my friend, and stayed with her while he was on the couch) he came into the room and told her that he loves me because I'm nice. Astaghfirullah I don't want to be nice! Please make dua for my friend. I saw her in her wedding dress looking doubtful.I told her it is never too late to change your mind.Please advise me how to deal with this, without also making him alienate her from me.But I cannot be around him at all! JazakAllah khair

Salam aleykum I am a single revert I am Sunni, but consider myself just muslim .I really want to get married, and am wondering if it is permissible for me to marry with a Shia guy, should I learn the shia way of praying, or can we still pray together .Also please pray for us to get married My only doubt is that he may not think I am good enough to be a part of his family, and I want to be more practising-I think he is much more western than me. I have been through many things made a lot of mistakes, but I never give up trying to be a better muslima. Sometimes I worry that nobody would want to marry with me because of my past.I did not have a stable home life, I also was abused by my own brother when I was still a child.InshAllah I will have a good husband even if this one is not meant to be for me, and all us sisters find very good husbands

hello i am 23 and have just a year old son, its been 11 months i am staying at my parents, after physical abuse and strangulation by my husband at my in laws house, in this time they try to reconcile but on their in humane terms, one of their condition was if i do any suicide at their house than it wont be on their head, another condition was i wont be allowed to meet any member of my family, (i have no siblings but parents only), now the situation is that he is doing second marriage after muharrum, plus he said he wont leave me easily and will take away child too after seven years, he never paid any maintenance of me or baby, since born, neither i asked out of fear that he will take child away. i am saving that child maintenance tool in my hand for future that if he ever asked for child (baby boy) custody after seven years than i will file case for 7 years of child maintenance, may be he will with draw his case than, because no matter what he will never pay anything to me ever and till these seven years he will never ever give child maintaince,i dont know how to continue my life now, my father says that after his second nikah we will apply for khulla. even after khulla what should i do? my parents will of course do my second marriage too that i have no intent of doing ever in life now, once in life time is enough for me now, m doing mphil and preparing for competitive exams too, but i have no friends or social circle, neither am sure that how should i take my life ahead now. being out at university i have to put up a complete fake face and feelings and at home its different, its creating more and more emptiness only. even after khulla do i have to observe iddah time of 3 months? as i am separated from my husband for almost a year now. and now i have university and classes too. kindly help give some direction, confuse and alone.

I've been wondering about this for a while now. People seem to have different definitions of child abuse. For the purpose of this thread I'm going to talk about physical and emotional abuse; I really hope there are no doubts as to which side of the line sexual abuse falls on. My first question is, is there a 'line'? Depending on where you come from, the kind of childhood you had, what your parents believed in...your definition of child abuse can vary. So are there certain acceptable things and certain unacceptable things..or is this a matter of opinion? I know the general rules in sharia..being allowed to hit a child, for example, without the skin becoming red. But that is, I feel, very general. As far as physical abuse goes I suppose we could still distinguish where that line is, but not so much with emotional abuse. The factor of 'respecting your parents no matter what' (just respecting them in your heart, not behaving badly) also plays a part, which is why I'm asking this on SC. Being a little more specific, I'll outline a few scenarios and you tell me what you guys think - whether this would be considered acceptable, and if not, what is the degree of 'horror' you would rate it at. 1. Parents threatening to cut off a child's fingers if he/she doesn't cut nails, bringing a knife and everything and stopping only when the child has cried and begged. 2. Blackmailing a child. (If the child complains to the father about the mother calling calling him/her names, the mother will 'make sure Daddy knows what a bad kid you really are'). 3. Hitting a child in a way that leaves a slight bruise that'll go away in a day or two. 4. Making siblings slap each other/themselves as punishment. 5. Locking a child in a room for hours when he/she is afraid of the dark. 6. Making a child feel like she should not have been born (unintentionally), or saying other hurtful things. 7. Forcing the child to do something that is just recommended in Islam, not obligatory (recommended fasts or prayers) by threatening to cut off education or using emotional blackmail? 8. Forcing a (13-14 year old) child to eat something they cooked because it got too salty/spicy as punishment. 9. Emotionally blackmailing an older child (14 - 15) to take care of a younger sibling - like holding a sixteen year old accountable for a twelve year old's misbehavior. On a slightly digressive note, what if a child becomes disrespectful (says things like Stop this right now, you're acting crazy, snatching objects from the parent's hands like maybe something they were going to use to hit the child or a sibling with) in situations like numbers 3 or 6? Would this be warranted from a religious point of view, keeping in mind the Islamic theme to never hurt or disrespect your parents? Sorry if it got a bit long! I'd really appreciate some input.

Salam to all. I will try in write in as much detail a possible inshallah so that your answers may be beneficial to me. I am a twenty year old Lebanese, Sunni girl from Australia. Roughly two years ago I told my parents about a Shia boy I was in love with and wanting to marry. Ofcourse they declined because of him being Shia; calling him degrading names and insulting him after all he had done for me. Anyway I stayed living at home with the hope if I was patient my parents would accept but things just became worse and worse. I copped SO much abuse from my older brothers and sisters that I became severely depressed and starting self harm. They never even have the guy a chance... It wasnt fair on anyway possible. As I continued to live at home I put up with even more abuse - verbal, physical and emotional. Until four months ago where my brother and dad beat me and my potential partner up severely that I was in emergency. I was called degrading words, punched in the face repeatedly by my older brother as my dad sat there and watched like a mute child and my mother stared in horror. Hamdulilah I have been happily married to my husband for four months after being kicked out like a dog by my family. My family have no contact with me and the only time they do contact me is to either give me bad news, abuse me or tell me that my husband is my "boyfriend" and my marriage is invalid. The funny thing is, is that a Sunni sheikh got me married to my Shia husband.. Subhanallah. Now I am here just to get my piece of justice from what I hope is a more supporting and educated community. Is what I did wrong? Wanting to marry a Shia boy against my families will? After all a Sunni sheik did do my nikah... I remained patient for four years being abused living at home and have now lost my entire family, from my parents to my sisters to my brothers and community. Islamically is it permissible for my family to do this to me? & also what are your opinions on this whole issue? I'm so happy hamdulilah with my husband, he is caring and kind and is the crown on my head but my family are willing to do anything to get me divorced and send me back home. I have so much hate towards my brothers for what they did to me and so much sorrow towards my mother and sisters for throwing me out like trash. Any opinions on the following we be so appreciated. Jazakallah kheir brothers and sisters. Salam Salwa..

I am seeking guidance and assistance. I have had a tremendous amount of abuse from my parents growing up. The issue that i am having now is that even though the abuse stopped the emotional and relgious manipulation continues. She is not a mean woman, just damaged. Countless times I have heard my mother say: "Look at how god is punishing you"! Needless to say I do not want a relationship with my mother for the sole purpose that I react emotionally now and relive all the abuse I have suffered. All this pain is only hurting me and no one else but I am unable to forget or forgive. And unfortunatly I see that all of the pain I am living in now is connected to how I was treated growing up. I am wondering if anyone can offer "real" guidance.

Salaam. I am currently nineteen and still living at home in Australia. I want to know what Islam says about verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Although I only live at home with my patents and sisters I have the odd bunch of physically and verbally abusive brothers; who won't hesitate to use my past against me or call me humiliating names. Just recently I was cornered by one of them and close to being pounded with a metal pole for saying I had enough and wanted to move out. My parents are old and cannot take responsibility for ANYTHING so they leave it up to my brothers and a particular older sister who thinks she's a saint. I'm honestly sick of the abuse and feeling threatened; is it wrong to report my brother? I know doing this would cause alot of trouble at home but ive become so depressed and lifeless. Anyone's help/opinion would be so appreciated. Salaam x