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Found 3 results

  1. Dear Members, Assalaam o Alaikum ! I am writing here to discus a situation i am currently facing. I feel that i am not functioning at my optimal level these days. I "may" have the potential but i am not sure at all. So, there is something which makes me think that "greatness" is being thrust upon me. I DONOT want to be great. I mean, i was fine living the mundane life n all. But all of a sudden, something is about to happen and i think i would not be able to handle the pressure. I mean, there are those "superhuman" who can do 10 things at a time, be part of 10 activities in one day. I simply am not one of them. So, the million dollar question is, WHAT TO DO WHEN GREATNESS IS THRUST UPON YOU? to top off the burden, i have no personal support who could solace me in such troubling situation. And as far as the responsibility is concerned, i am not in the position to say NO anymore. That's because the realization that i wouldn't be able to handle it came tad bit too late. Please help guys. Jazakallah
  2. Br. Samii asked: Why brothers delay their marriage? Here was my reply. I want to hear what understanding or objection you sisters have on this: My Reason for Delaying: I do not want to be oppressed by women. I'll Marry Only IF: I find a woman who will become my one and only permanent wife, but would also let me happily do 'timed marriages' as many and as often I would want, without creating any fuss and objections, and without disrupting ours and our kids' life. My Rationale (hear me out please): I'm an extrovert person. I've literally hundreds of friends. Many of them are married. The single biggest reason of depression, anxiety, bad marriage life, being detached with family, committing zana in some cases, among MEN is because their wives DO NOT make themselves available sexually as often as they want. Now I don't know if its the lack of libido in women, if its the multi-tasking like they do by raising kids, by taking care of the house, by dropping and picking kids from school, cooking and all that.. which makes them so tired that it does not physically and logistically leave any room for them to make their husbands happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm sympathizing with women because modern lifestyle has made them extremely tied up in all chores that their 18 hours of their day is consumed in it. SO I"M NOT ACCUSING WOMEN. But at the same time, one of the most critical needs of man takes the backseat in this lifestyle. I know men can not function correctly without a recurring and frequent dose of sex. Hence I see so many grumpy friends talking about it in bits and pieces.... and I don't want to be one of them. Bottom line, solution of man grumpiness lies in the mentality of women, yes its physically impossible to make themselves unavailable but at least they can allow their husbands to seek other halal alternatives as long as they don't commit themselves somewhere else permanently. ... I'm not saying men should not work hard. It is men's responsibility to bring food on the table, pay the mortgage, do the car payments, afford the family travels, help out in dishes, help out in cooking, and be able to afford all those expensive international phone calls to all extended family in-laws, and still have enough left to go for yearly family visits and an occasional trip to hajj and Ziaraaat. Now all the young sisters on this forum can get on me, accusing me of all types of conjectures, but those sisters who are already married know what I'm saying... and those who are not married yet can look at their moms and married female siblings to find out if they truly think they would be making themselves available for every other day or every day love making. Objections, Comments, Encouragements, Pointed Attacks, all are welcome! Please speak your mind...
  3. “Polygamy, Not My Problem”- A Muslim Woman “If you don’t want your husband to marry another woman,” the imams said, “then, reflect on the hadith of the Prophet,(peace and blessings be upon him). You should love for your sister what you love for yourself.” I turned off the video and sipped my tea in the silence of the room. I had planned to watch the prominent imam’s entire lecture on the subject of plural marriage in Islam, but I couldn’t get past the first few minutes. It wasn’t that I disagreed with his point. After all, it is true. If Muslim women who are already married think of a potential co-wife as a sister in Islam instead of a potential rival, then sharing a husband wouldn’t be so difficult. But is this mental shift really as simple as people make it sound? Is it even realistic? “What role do you think women play in polygamy?” More about Polygamy: - Muslim Family and Polygamy (Special) - Polygamy: Not a Sixth Pillar of Islam - One Eve For Adam, So Why Polygamy? - Polygamy: A Male View I had just arrived for a meeting at the home of a community leader and his wife when he asked me this question. The inquiry took me off guard because it was unrelated to the subject of the meeting. He wasn’t asking about the details of women’s role in a Muslim marriage (He already knew that). He was asking what role they play in ensuring that a husband’s pursuit of subsequent life in plural marriage is successful and relatively uncomplicated. “They don’t have one,” I said. I could tell he hadn’t expected this response. Then again, I hadn’t either. But it was what I honestly felt. Brows furrowed, he asked, “What do you mean?” “She’s not the one taking another wife—he is,” I said. “So the burden is on his shoulders, not hers.” “But don’t you think women have some responsibility in making it work?” “No, I don’t.” The shocked silence in the room made me realize I should clarify. “I’m not saying she has no accountability to her co-wife,” I explained. “The co-wife is her sister in Islam, and she can’t violate her sister’s rights.” I went on, “But what I mean is, beyond her normal duties when her husband is married to only her, her role doesn’t change when he marries someone else. But the husband’s role does change because he chose polygamy.” He nodded, beginning to see my point. “And when a man marries another woman,” I told him, “he must understand that his first wife will naturally be hurt and upset. But this comes with the package. And if he can’t handle this natural hurt and upset without blaming his wife or asking her to change, then he’s the one at fault. Women will be women,” I said with a shrug. “And if a man doesn’t fully accept what that means in reality, then he’s not ready for polygamy.” I am saying is that whatever responsibility exists in making the Sunnah of polygamy work rests almost entirely with the man, who must engage in careful introspection, seeking advice, and making du’aa. “But If You Fear…” Though it has been many years since I had this conversation with the community leader, my views have not changed. If anything, they have become more resolute. And if there were any advice I would give to Muslim leaders who wish to tackle this topic with any success, it would be this: “Stop addressing women, and start addressing men.” Allah says, “And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].”—Al-Nisaa’, 4:3 The more I reflect on this verse, the more I get a small glimpse into the infinite wisdom in these words. Specifically, five points stand out to me: Allah is addressing only men in this verse. No advice or instructions are given to women regarding plural marriage. Allah is asking men to engage in careful introspection when determining whether or not to pursue polygamy. The last part of the verse clearly implies that marrying more than one woman results in increased responsibility (and thus accountability) as opposed to marrying only one woman. The last part also suggests that polygamy itself will be a challenge—so much so that Allah tells men outright that being married to only one increase the likelihood of the man being just to his wife. No, I’m not suggesting under the guise of advice that “one is best for you” while secretly hoping that no man engages in this Sunnah. Actually, in my heart of hearts, I do hope that men (at least the ones responsible and financially capable) find a way to make plural marriage work—with wives by their side who are both fulfilled and pleased. Otherwise, there will be an ever-growing list of single— never been married, widowed, and divorced—women denied the joys and blessings of an Islamic marriage. But what I am saying is that whatever responsibility exists in making the Sunnah of polygamy work rests almost entirely with the man, who must engage in careful introspection, seeking advice, and making du’aa and Istikhaarah when making this difficult decision and subsequently living with its naturally challenging consequences. It goes without saying (or at least it should go without saying) that if a man’s current wife doesn’t wish to be in polygamy, it is illogical to ask her to shoulder the responsibility of making successful something that she neither desires nor chose. The real man is the one whose good treatment, patience, and understanding will inspire even the most reluctant and upset wife to stay with him—even as she may never like that polygamy is part of her life. In other words, real men implement the Sunnah of being men. Those women who seek to “love polygamy” often live in psychological and emotional turmoil as they deny themselves the right to hurt or even cry. Will You Share You Husband? Time and time again I speak to women who have helped their husbands find another wife, supported their husband’s decision, or even made a habit of speaking or writing about the beauty of this Sunnah. Some have even gone as far as to share their home with a co-wife (something even I would not suggest or recommend). Yet, despite Muslim women having gone over and beyond the call of duty in trying to overcome their natural dislike for sharing their husband (as a simple Google search on polygamy will reveal), advice, lectures, and complaints by Muslim men on the subject of polygamy continue to focus on the actions and thoughts of women. It is always with the apparent goal of inspiring women to lovethe arrangement and relish in its blessings by giving their husbands “no problems” with the pursuit. Ah… If only… But the fact of the matter is that Allah created women with a natural reluctance and dislike for sharing their husbands. When I speak to women struggling in polygamy, one of my first pieces of advice is to accept that polygamy is inherently difficult and painful for women. It’s not “supposed to” be enjoyable or desired, I tell them—even though this natural difficulty and pain does not preclude having a loving, fulfilling relationship with your husband though he’s married to someone else. Those women who seek to “love polygamy” often live in psychological and emotional turmoil as they deny themselves the right to hurt or even cry. They feel guilty for any resentment or emotional outbursts, and their husbands, unfortunately, often berate them for their struggles. “This is the Sunnah,” their husbands may say, “so if you don’t love it, you have weak Iman,”—and, tragically, the wives believe them. Ultimately, many of these women simply “break” and become so embittered and spiritually traumatized that they blame Allah or Islam for their misery—when neither Allah nor Islam asked them to “love polygamy” in the first place. Be a man. In my view, this summarizes the essence of the only advice men should give (and receive) regarding polygamy. And, no, being a man doesn’t mean diving into polygamy while completely disregarding the first wife’s feelings. Sometimes, as we know from the famous story of Ali and Fatimah (may Allah be pleased with them), it may actually mean not pursuing polygamy at all. “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”— (Bukhari and Muslim) Yes, women, like all believers, can benefit from reminders for their souls, and these reminders may or may not inspire them to accept polygamy in their lives. Either way, women should love for their sisters what they love for themselves—as should men with their brothers. But suggesting that this means a woman should accept polygamy and love for another woman to marry her husband is little different than suggesting that a man should accept divorce and love for his unmarried friend to marry and enjoy his beloved wife. So, dear imams, let us ask men and women to focus on their own responsibilities and roles, not someone else’s. And by the mercy of Allah, as a woman, polygamy is not one of mine. Source: http://www.onislam.n...-.html?Intimacy
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