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In the Name of God بسم الله
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So last night, I had a discussion with my mom and we got on the subject on how difficult it is for me to find someone to be in a relationship. We both agreed that no matter what it would be many times more difficult for me than an abled bodied person to pursue a relationship. As we were talking, my mom said " I feel like I'm ruining your life." and I didn't really know how to respond that, because it rang so true. Ever since I moved up to live with my mother, my needs have been not met and been ignored. I get it, it's really difficult for a person to take care of a disabled and elderly person at the same time but it's becoming more and more one-sided. Also my mother is getting older and weaker and I'm getting older too. Yet my grandfather is constantly demanding attention from her and sometimes, has bad days. He's gotten so negative, that I don't even want to be around him and hate watching him affect my mother to the point that she's almost too physically exhausted to help me up the stairs. I don't think he realizes how much help I need and I was very disappointed in him when Mom told me on two occasions that she thought my grandfather was jealous of me. My family for the most part, does their own thing and only comes for the holidays, so it's a given fact that they won't help. That's okay, I don't want their help anyway. I had asked for help on ShiaChat earlier regarding marriage, was sent the contract of two sheikhs in Canada. I haven't contacted them yet, and admittedly I'm really apprehensive to, because I'm not Canadian. At this point, I don't know what to do or expect anymore. I have been feeling really uptight and feeling pressure to get married because what of happened in the summer of last year, I had a similar discussion to this with my aunt about being more independent and she had suggested "assisted living " which is really just a nice byword for nursing home. Last time, she suggested that I go to some program for special needs people and turned out was for those with severe mental handicaps. I don't know what she's thinking but it should have extremely apparent to her. If something were to happen to Mom, I have no doubt my aunt would try to put me in a place like it again. I don't trust her quite frankly. If I get married, it's assured that I'm untouchable to my aunt, don't get me wrong, I love her but again, but I don't trust her much. There's so many things wrong with this picture. All I want is stability, a house that doesn't kill my body and somewhere that I can come home to that's isn't my family on both sides. Thoughts? Government programs and masjids are a no go. I tried every match making site under the sun and I wasn't really impressed. I don't know, as soon as Mom said that, all these feelings have come to the surface and I realize that my disability is lot more limiting than I thought and I'm feeling really angry at myself.
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