In the Name of God بسم الله
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Assalamu Alaikum to all. I reverted to Shia Islam in my late teenage years but I'm now only realizing now at the age of 30 how lost I've actually really been with my faith & life throughout those years. I don't think I realized when accepting at that time the heaviness & the seriousness of my responsibilities towards actually really knowing God, His Attributes & worshipping Him properly, with either real understanding or sincerity of the heart. I feel I've just lived a life so far of shallowness & insincerity towards God & Religion overall & it causes me such extreme fear, grief & sadness everyday. Since a very young age I've suffered with an array of various psychological issues which were not treated properly at the time due to factors such as probably genetics, my upbringing & social environment I was in. Forgive me, as I don't know how to articulate & explain my situation in concise manner & detail. I'm very ashamed to admit I haven't really done obligatory prayers, made duas, followed or understood the laws within Islam in that lifetime properly. One of the main reasons is due to a very torturous & unique perfectionism personality disorder which has affected my overall life & it has affected me from actually reaching my potential or achieving any type of success in life, whether that be in a career, education, job or relationships with others. It's such a psychological condition that it makes me give up on everything if I don't live or do something perfectly or in order & affects every aspect of my life, it's very difficult to explain but it's such a mental torture, as it just wastes my years & I end up just living a purposeless life, I just can't control it. I also throughout my life have suffered constant anxiety, particularly social anxiety, depression & other conditions undiagnosed conditions aswell. This condition has affected me from seriously reading, studying, learning & practicing my faith properly & developing any real connection with God, Qur'an & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)). I have some little knowledge of my faith due to watching many lectures over the years from various speakers/scholars but I feel completely confused & lost. I've been living on my own all these years but I've been in denial about some of my mental health issues & I have sinned & transgressed personally aswell such that I fear I am being punished in this life & the next. I've also neglected reading & reciting Quran for so long, not because I didn't want too but my condition is such but I've also been ignorant aswell & I lack the knowledge & wisdom or is my heart hard not receiving truth or guidance due to my sinning & ignorance..I just don't know if I'm sincere or not. My heart feels very tight when I'm trying to approach & read Quran & I get constant blasphemous/negative, insincere thoughts, thoughts of Quran not being the words of God or true & that you don't believe it & is this really from God. I feel deep down in my heart & soul that Islam, Quran & the personalities of Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)) is the truth but my faith foundations are weak & I fear I've gone completely astray. I fear my beliefs being shallow & insincere, as I feel constant tightness when trying to get close to God & I'm always trying to speak to Him in my own way but I don't feel anything which pains me so much. I feel my life has no purpose without God & doing any good deeds or setting any goals in life is meaningless without doing them for the sake of God. I don't want to do good for myself, I just want to know & please God, to really have firm belief in Him & love for Him in my heart but I just don't know anymore, my chest & heart feels very tight. I feel my life is wasted & I constantly just think about death, grave & eternal punishment. I feel I've been shallow, insincere & not really praised towards God sincerely because I don't really know Him as I should. I felt a connection to God when I first reverted to Islam through knowing Prophet Muhammad(صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم), Imam Ali((عليه السلام)) & Imam Hussain((عليه السلام)) but now I don't feel anything at all & it pains me so much. I don't even know what I am anymore. I fear because I forgot Allah for so long that he made me forget my own self. I really want to follow & understand Islam properly but I fear not having the mental capacity & God not guiding me & leaving me astray to live & die like this because of how much I've done wrong to my own self/soul due to excessive sinning/transgressions & not fulfilling obligations over so many years. I have some family members like my mother who is very loving & supportive but they are non Muslims & whatever they say can't help me because I just want to know Allah but I fear my heart is too hard now & that I connect to Him, Quran & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)) due to these issues. I fear I'm not humble, grateful & not completely surrendering myself sincerely towards God because I'm so caught up in my own head & unbalanced psychologically. I didn't remember or have trust in Him for so many years, I feel I lack the faith, knowledge, wisdom & emotional/mental capacity to comprehend & understand Quran. I'm only able to read Quran in English language which is limiting & I read it & I don't feel connected to God which makes me have extreme fear, then when I'm reading certain stories I get thoughts in my mind & heart that this isn't God's word, which really pains me because I seek that belief & guidance from Quran. I know only a few Shia Muslim brothers but we aren't that close, we live apart & they are older than myself & they have careers, work, families & productive lives unlike me. I hardly keep in touch with them because I'm ashamed of who I am. I just seek guidance from God, as I don't want anything else in life but at the same time I suffer psychologically. I've been trying to pray the daily prayers for the past year consistently but it's becoming too difficult for me now due to the psychological state I'm in & I just don't feel I'm being humble or sincere in belief & worship towards God...it absolutely kills me but I just can't pray when I'm in this state of mind but then I get more intense anxiety for missing so many prayers. I live on my own & I cry nearly everyday for months now calling out to God for help & guidance but I feel he doesn't want me because of how arrogant, ignorant, shallow & insincere I've been over the years towards Him or maybe I just don't really know Him. I've done wrong to myself but some things I just can't do or control psychologically & it frustrates me so much. I feel mentally & physically fatigued everyday. I cannot eat, drink or sleep properly. I don't want to live & die in this state. I don't want to die as a disbeliever, hypocrite, sinner or a wrongdoer but what can I do if I can't connect or be guided to Allah, Qur'an or Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)). It's all becoming so overwhelming for me now. I watch many inspiring lectures from various speakers & scholars but it's one thing being inspired/motivated by their words relating to Allah, Quran & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)) & then you yourself having that firm belief & understanding to implement these teachings in your life & being on your own for over a decade. Forgive me if I haven't made much sense in what I've wrote but as you can probably tell by my post I'm just mentally not in a good state & I don't want to lose this life & the next life but I fear I've completely lost myself, my faith & knowing & having firm belief in the religion of Islam but my intention is not too lose it or not to know the truth before death overtakes me. I don't know where to turn anymore. I always like to go outside for walks by myself & I'm always trying to ponder & reflecting on the creations & signs of God around me to try & know Him, whether it be looking into the the sky during the day or at night, observing the Sun, the Moon & Stars, looking at the sea, looking on at the various birds, creatures insects, flowers & plants etc but for some reason I still can't seem to connect to or feel God's presence. I also seek that feeling of opening & listening Qur'an & knowing this is for sure revelation from Allah, I don't know if I'm just telling or forcing myself out of fear, as I get intense anxiety in my head & chest when I try to read the Quran, I just don't want to be insincere in belief, as I just seek guidance in my life because I don't want to waste more years & lose forever in the hearafter for not being sincere & submissive in belief towards God, The Qur'an, The Holy Prophet(s.aw) & Ahlulbayt((عليه السلام)). I just really seek to live a fulfilling life in believing & serving God sincerely & actually live & die with firm faith in the heart but I fear God doesn't want to guide me or is He guiding & I'm I not accepting his guidance...I just don't know. Thank you for taking the time to read this post & God bless.
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