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In the Name of God بسم الله

rkazmi33

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Everything posted by rkazmi33

  1. Wasalam! Thank you for taking the time to read about my problems and suggest solutions. About my workplace, I have worked at different companies and this is actuslly less toxic than other places I have worked. There are very few people and I have the freedom to leave the room pretending I have to do work in another room when they are talking about me. When I started, I learned few test from a nice muslim co-worker and then they hired new people, who were all toxic. Their issue is that I am not learning anything new and the only reason is I have to learn new test from those toxic co-workers and I just don't want to spend time with them. I am avoiding this for as long as I can. Regarding my family, it's because one or both of my parents are narcissist and we always had that golden child/ scapegoat dynamic in my family. When we were kids, I was the golden child and my sister was scape goat. Now the roles are reversed. When I was a golden child, I never treated my sister bad, always tried to be kind to her but she has so much resentment towards me and now she is taking revenge. I guess now they just want me to get married. I am 39 years old and they want me to get married and have kids ASAP. I have tried asking for help from scholars but my parents have money and community's powerful people on their side. Not wanting to get married is apparently enough proof for someone living a sinful life and becoming an apostate.
  2. I have been dealing with loss of faith since 2019. For me, the biggest factor is spiritual abuse. I minimized contact with all abusive people in my life, but I have been religious, so bullies in my life started using scholars in islamic centers. That's why I have stopped going to the masjid. My parents want me to get married but I already had one bad experience. Due to my mental health right now, I don't want to get married right now and that's why they keep telling me to move out of house. I gave also been careless about my hijab. All non muslim men have weird hijab fetish, they become obsessed with me and due to this non muslim women hate me and they think I have bad character. Recently so many people, both muslims and non muslims have been accusing me of being drunk and high. I don't understand, they stare at my eyes and I need to have expressionless eyes. If I am happy or uncomfortable, they just assume I am using drugs. My community members compare me to yazeed and tell me that like him I drink alcohol. These are very bad accusations for a hijabi. They break my heart and I think if my community is abandoning me, then I will need to rely on non muslims and they don't like social hijab even if they tolerate someone wearing a hijab. That's why I have become very careless about my hijab. I don't know what have I done to get so many accusations from my community. They constantly call me apostate, I am out of control and they threaten to send me to Pakistan where I will be married off against my will. I don't do drugs, I never had a boyfriend. Now I am thinking that all those stories about western women who are sent back home because they have boyfriends, what if all of them are just accusations. I don't want to study religion because I am always so anxious about future. My family and all my extended family have been focused on me and it just feels like a mob attack. I am anxious, scared, I feel that I don't belong anywhere. Trump's time was really bad, so I was very excited after the election, hoping things will get better. Does anyone know why people have started constantly accusing people of being drunk or using alcohol? It's not just me, other people have also been accused. Spiritual abuse is worse than Islamophobia, I don't know if it is result of islamophobia. People keep track of what videos I watch on youtube and criticize me for wasting time if I spend any time on entertainment. Even my co-workers comment about videos I watch and this makes me so angry. I don't interfere in their lives, why are they constantly invading my privacy? I just hate all people and want to avoid interacting with them. But they don't even let me worship. Whenever they see me praying or fasting, they tell me praying and fasting will not help you if you don't give rights of people. There is a whole website about spiritual abuse and it helps me to read about other people and they validate my experience. My family denies that they are involved in anything and they keep asking me why would speaker at mosque focus on you alone? And I also don't understand this why they are constantly focused my sins only? I sometimes think it's because of end of times and I am dealing with Dajjali forces. I recently heard from a rare kind speaker that we should read Sura Kahf to fight with Dajjal. I am going to try that. I am sorry my post is all over the place. I am typing on my phone.
  3. I have read that left handed people are more likely to have criminal minds but they are also more creative and intelligent. I am surprised that you are left handed because you always post about being bullied. All the left handed people I know are very successful because of their skills and I guess their success and power makes them evil. I think you have not discovered your skills yet.
  4. I cannot do it. It seems like apartment complexes have requirements that your income must be 3 times higher than the rent. That's crazy, how do so many people live in houses they cannot afford if income requirements are so strict? I am looking for housing assistance but there are so many websites, I just don't know who to contact. It looks like all doors are closing. I cannot find a solution at all. Does anyone know how safe is motel 6 or other 2-star hotels? I have stayed for few nights, they have weird looking people, so many flyers about human trafficking, and at night you hear people fighting, women crying. It just feels so unsafe although the price is $50 per night.
  5. I am in the same position. I used to go to one mosque, then I started going to another one. But it was obvious I was not welcome at either center, so I stopped going. There are 3 other centers but they are far and I don't want to try them. In my case, I limited my interaction with people, so then the speakers started focusing on my sins and every time I hear them, I feel personally attacked. I have been called Yazid and Iblees frequently. So now everytime a speaker starts talking about them, I feel like he is talking about me.
  6. Thank you for your prayer. I wish I was a brother. I am a sister, that's why I wanted so much to find a reasonable roommate.
  7. I want to live alone. I am sick and tired of trying to please people. There is not a single person who can accept me the way I am without trying to fix me. I have looked at the apartments and rent is almost the same whether I live alone or with roommates. I will probably need to spend extra just to keep peace if I live with a roommate. Why have people become so difficult? I lived with a roommate in collage for 3 years and I only have good memories. There were some fights but there was a lot more fun. I don't even care anymore if it's unsafe to live alone. I feel unsafe around people anyway, so I am thinking I will just rent an apartment, start living and see if I can do it.
  8. I have mentioned this before, I don't get sick very often and I don't have other problems except for animosity and hate from people. And it's becoming very intense, everywhere I go, any islamic scholar I listen to, they all seem to hate me and I am constantly attacked by people. Now people are saying that poverty and disease are tests by Allah for momineen but they are deliberately leaving out animosity and hatred from people. I remember reading some hadiths about momin getting tested by attacks from other people, but I don't know where to find them. So if anyone knows hadiths about this, please share them and if possible pray for me. I know it's not up to us to determine if we are being tested or getting punished, but they are petty people who try to prove that anything bad, which happens to them, can happen to faithful, but whatever happens to me, only happens to Kafirs. Again requesting for prayers! in real life whenever I ask someone to pray for me, they either ask for lots of money in return or want me to get married to them. And if anyone has relevant hadiths, please share them. If anyone knows any dua specific for enemies, let me know. I have tried all duas from duas.org, they are not working for me.
  9. https://www.trtworld.com/asia/outcry-over-beheading-of-former-ambassador-s-daughter-in-pakistan-48609 This is so shocking. She was beheaded and the details are so horrific. Is this a sign of Taliban coming back because they are the ones who behead people or did he get inspiration after watching ertugrul ghazi?
  10. Salam! So the above post describes my work experience since 2019. It seems like a toxic work environment but all companies (except for one) had this kind of environment. Am I abrasive harsh? Yes I will admit I have become like that. I feel that companies do interfere in their employees personal lives and may be it's my mental disorder but I feel like they are almost conspiring with my family about how to torture me. I am never the best employee and because of my social anxiety, I am quiet. Most of my co-workers don't like me and this effects my work performance. I don't like their personal attacks, especially when they are same kind of attacks my family uses and due to situation at home, I don't have much patience. I get angry a lot and I slam things or give angry looks to co-workers who insult me. I have started facing the same problem again. I feel like my employer wants to get rid of me but they are not giving me lay-off. They have just reduced my hours. I am not paranoid. My family and community are really trying hard to control me. They want me to work at a lab which a community member owns so that they can insult me and abuse me all day long. They hired 2 of my co-workers from my previous job. Before they had interviews, they kept talking about that company all day long, hoping that I will discuss that I also worked there. I guess all companies have become like this. They expect you to prove your loyalty and I cannot compromise on my morals just to prove my loyalty. I heard somewhere that for americans religion has been replaced by work and working at any company feels like joining a cult. Has anyone else faced similar problems and how do you deal with it? There were a couple of places where I was working independently. My work performance was good and my bosses were happy with me. So it doesn't matter what career you choose or whether you are good at your job or not. If you cannot deal with co-workers, you cannot be successful.
  11. After every prayer 1. Ayatul kursi 1 time 2. Hazrat Fatima tasbeeh 1 time 3. Qul ho wallah 3 times. 4. Salawat 3 times. 5. Sura Talaq verse 2 and 3: 3 times. 6. Tasbeehat e arba 30 times 7. Dua Imam e Zamana 1 time 8. Ya wasiu ya wahabu 14 times. It also helps to read sura waqia after Isha prayer. The above amal is recommended by Imam Khomeini. Regarding why people became mean, I don't know some prayers have side effects, I guess.
  12. If you don't understand urdu, let me know. I will translate the video. This really works, when I was doing it, I randomly found $100 a couple of times in my purse, but people started getting really mean to me. I couldn't handle people being so mean, so I stopped this amal.
  13. I am in the same position. I start listening to one aalim, then he says something which makes me question his sincerity and I start listening to other aalims. People tell me I am wasting my time by listening to so many aalims. I should just stick with one and start "obeying" him which means "following him blindly". I have seen some sincere people but they are constantly bullied, so they prefer to remain silent.
  14. What does it mean to love for the sake of Allah and hate for the sake of Allah. People say that it means hating a sinful person and loving a pious person without considering whether they are good or bad to you. Using this logic, some people took favors from me and then betrayed me saying that it's because I am sinful and an enemy of Allah. So if a "bad" person does a favor to you and you treat him bad in return, isn't this being ungrateful and doesn't Islam emphasize on returning favors? There is someone who has been really kind to me and I want to return the favor but they have been abandoned by the community and I just get a feeling that they try to avoid me. This is frustrating because who gave this right to people to determine who is a friend of Allah and who is enemy? And we are using a principle, which sounds good in theory, to justify our wrong actions and ungratefulness. I really want to return that person's kindness because I have been hurt by people who attacked me after taking favors from me and I don't want to become like that.
  15. My parents have been preparing me for real world for the last 10 years.
  16. From your post, I got the impression that you work at CVS. If you do, that's the reason for all your problems. They have a very high turn around because they have really bad working environment. They make you work over time and give you so much stress that you are constantly thinking about your job even when you are not there. I would suggest finding a better job. Getting married will not solve this problem. If you work at CVS, yes you should quit.
  17. When I used to get sick a lot, I was very skinny, because I wouldn't want to eat anything while dealing with fever, nausea and headaches. After the age 13, I started gaining weight and in my culture, people generally dislike women who eat more. Why do people become abusive after a month? I think it's a general attitude among employers, they ignore any mistakes during the 1st month thinking employee is just learning the work. After 1 or 2 months, they become less forgiving and I will admit that at most places, work is very complicated and I make mistakes. I also have social anxiety and I am autistic, and I guess companies expect people to become more open and talkative after a couple of months.
  18. I was going to ask the same question. I signed up for Google data analyst certificate but it looks too easy. I find it hard to believe that studying for 5 or 6 hours every week can prepare you for a new career in 4 or 5 months. I am looking for certificate in accounting because I am good at math. Computer/ programming certificates look too complicated. So anyone knows a good place where I can get accounting certificate which is not very expensive?
  19. I believe that you get disrespect from people when you are not tested with other things. I remember until the age of 13, I was always sick. A little bit of tension of exams and I would start throwing up and get a fever. During that time, I was everyone's favorite and I used to get so much respect. After age 13, I became healthy and I never got sick again. In recent years, I don't even get common cold or flu ever but I get so much disrespect from people, both at home and at work. Every place where I work, after 1 or 2 months, they just lose respect for me. I think it's because I never get sick or tested in any other way. I honestly miss getting sick. I can deal with physical pain but it's really hard for me to deal with emotional pain. You at least get sympathy from people when you are sick. I have seen the same with my mother. She spent very hard life, even now she deals with abuse at the age of 70, but she never got any life threatening diseases like cancer, heart disease etc. She even started believing that she has cancer just so she would get some kindness from people and I don't blame her. It's a feeling of suffocation and no hope when you feel like every single person in the world is against you and no one cares about you. I have also noticed people, who are successful and popular, get sick a lot and it annoys me because they get even more kindness and sympathy from people. I think it's because we hear so many hadiths about being kind to the sick. Even my ex-husband, who was always abusive, would get kind with me whenever I would get sick. I think that scholars need to remind people that you have to be kind to people even when they are healthy.
  20. I mostly share on facebook and I have only 30 friends on facebook. Yet, everything that I post becomes a topic of discussion in islamic center and also my work place. I even post in urdu because I am tired of the unwanted attention. Facebook is only outlet for my frustration sometimes and I have good/ sincere friends there. If my privacy settings are private and since we are talking about right thing to do, it is also a sin to steal someone's password and find out what they are posting. Everything I post should only remain confined to my facebook friends. Especially, people who don't understand urdu, if they are trying to figure out what I am posting and telling everyone, they are breaking the rules. When Biden was elected, everyone was relieved. I was also happy and posted praises for Biden. But all the people whom I know in real life, and they have the personality like Biden, took it as a sign of my effection towards "them", then it's not my fault. That just means I am not allowed to post anything ever. I completely understand the viewpoint that no government should even try to implement shariat. Because if we decide to start giving out punishments for sins, then islam just becomes a tool in the hands of bullies and tyrants who punish their own enemies for every single mistake and bend the rules for their favorite people.
  21. That website IS about people who live in west, privileged class backgrounds. We are so willing to talk about privilege of rich people, but we forget that being a man is also a privilege. Just like rich people can never understand the problems faced by poor people, men can also never understand problems of women. If you have to deal with emotional, psychological abuse for a long time, it's as harmful and traumatic as other kinds of abuses. And people living in west do face psychological and emotional abuse, even financial abuse. Everyone has different levels of patience. Of course, people who belong to privileged backgrounds are more sensitive, they have a lower threshold for suffering and when Allah judges them, He will consider this while judging them. You cannot invalidate one person's pain comparing it to other people's pain. You are right in your second paragraph. You will want to go to mosque, IF the mullah in the mosque gives you hope that your enemies are oppressors, you will get rewarded for your patience in the next life etc etc. What if the mullah starts focusing on your sins only, tells you that all your problems are because of your own sins and your oppressors' sins don't count because they are Momineen. There are more special and lenient rules for them. What if mullah constantly taunts you about all the things going wrong in your life and tells you to make peace with your oppressors otherwise you will suffer more. What if the mullahs were saying all the wonderful things about ISIS members and justifying their actions, would their victims still go to Friday prayers and listen to those mullahs? What if mullahs don't give remedies to victims, instead they become part of the problem?
  22. I have read so many hadiths about how it will be extremely hard to retain faith in the end of times. Instead of judging people, who are losing faith, you all should really question that why is it so easy for all of you to remain faithful. Those people might be going through some hard tests and no one is immune from tests. You all think that just because you are men, or successful, you feel invincible and you think you will never be tested. Don't be so over confident. You all admit that we are going through end of times, and there are so many hadiths that it will be hard to keep your faith in end of times. I am more worried about all of you and I am wondering if you all are hypocrites. Spiritual abuse is the most dangerous form of abuse and it's happening a lot. There is a whole website about spiritual abuse insheikhsclothing.com. If you are really sincere about understanding ex-muslims, then go to this website and read instead of making assumptions and judging people. Islam tells us that momins remain between hope and fear. You all seem like you only have hope and too much hope.
  23. Wasalam! I don't think the example of Adam and Shaytan apply here. See, Adam was the one with more knowledge and he wanted Shaytan to prostate to him. Brilliant jerks are the ones with more knowledge and skills and they want all other people to "prostate" to them. So if we apply this example, then all the people who refuse to take abuse and disobey the "one with more knowledge" are actually Shaytan.
  24. Yes I have also known those type of people. They even think that they deserve to live in US more than me and I don't deserve to live here. They think that since they can survive in other countries due to their street smart, surviving in US won't be a problem either.
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