rkazmi33

She only wants freedom from physical abuse and I think it's her religous duty to try to save her life since physical abuse can lead to death. As far as her clothing is concerned, I believe when western people help Muslim women, they expect them to assimilate in western culture. People say that in domestic disputes, police always support the Muslim women. When my ex-husband called police on me, I was terrified, upset and shaking but police officer became mad at me just because I was not making eye contact with him. That day I knew that if I ever have to get help from police to escape my family, they won't help me unless I give up my hijab and other practices they dislike.

I think the problem is in desi culture, women are presented as knight in shining armor, emotionally strong, wise women who have the solutions to all problems. That's the character of asghari in Mirat ul uroos, in which asghari's husband was a demsel in distress and when he got married to asghari, she solved not only his problems but all the problems in his family and even neighborhood. That's why it's hard for desi men to see any woman acting like demsel in distress. I have noticed my cousin becomes very upset when I show any weekness like "I cannot drive in snow". And I am thinking: I am not your wife, you don't have to deal with my weaknesses or learning disabilities, what are you getting so upset about? It's okay for you to rant about all the girls you want but cannot have, but I am not allowed to talk about REAL problems?

Your wife may not wear physical hijab but I can bet your wife is better at social hijab than you. Eastern people don't know anything about the concept of social hijab and "haya". Is the islamic school run by the same scholar who was harsh on your wife? I can completely understand why your wife wouldn't want your kids to learn Islam from a corrupt scholar. My ex-husband also had a similar problem with me that why do I involve other people in marriage? The answer is when kids get bullied in school, they ask help from parents and teachers. When other people refuse to help them, bullied kids commit suicide. After listening to your condescending talk, your wife needs emotional support and reassurance, that's why she involves other people.

Your post shows everything wrong with men raised in east. Your poor wife fullfills all her duties, she even raised 2 kids, still you want her to silently tolerate your abuse and not say a word? I am sure yiu have the support of your wife's family, your family, you even got support from a scholar, still that's not enough for you? You need support from people on the internet? You are spoiled and entitled, whatever your wife does to please you, it's never going to be enough. Your kids are alive and they have all their body parts? Well your wife has done her job. You shouldn't expect anything more from her. I am so sad after reading that scholar was harsh with her. Backward eastern culture doesn't support women, their own parents don't support them, they only had one hope: religion. Now the fake scholars are even taking away that hope. Your wife is an angel, she should have gotten divorce from you. I honestly don't understand what problem you have with your wife other than she doesn't satisfy your ego.

For people who understand Urdu. We hear a lot about Narcissists and toxic people and how dangerous they are. If it was easier to get divorce, I would tell this sister to give her husband a chance. But I have seen how difficult divorce has been made. Once she starts living with that guy, and if she has kids, she will be stuck forever. Therefore, she should run away if she sees any red flags. He has made her iman weak now, what if she ends up commiting suicide after marriage? Will the culture save her in her grave?

There is nothing more important than peace of mind. She won't be able to have a successful career while dealing with abuse. Even if she earns money, all her money will go to her husband. The condition by her parents already suggests that they are on her husband's side. This is another tactic used by abusers, they isolate their victims. If she moves to another city, it's still scary because her husband is not the only toxic person in the city. She could meet a toxic roommate who could treat her exactly like her husband. I will say if she doesn't have any big problems in her parents' house, she should look for ways to earn money in her own village. She can increase her education. Which country does she live in? She can do something about her career later but marriage is really a trap. It's so so difficult to get out of this trap. It's very difficult to get a divorce, the universe really works against you when you try to get a divorce but in the end, your freedom and peace of mind is the reward you get. A great job is not the right price for ruining your life with an abuser.

His behavior has nothing to do with long distance relationship. I was told the same thing that all problems were due to long distance, infact this excuse was used by my ex-husband. But he became even more abusive when we started living together. I don't understand why would a woman get punished for getting a divorce when divorce is halal.

Yes sister! You should leave him. When I got married, me and my ex-husband were living in different countries and this is how his abuse started. At first I was upset when he ignored me, later I got used to it. Then he started passing mean comments about me. And he always apologized but went back to his old ways after few days. Now he is chatting with other girls, when he will live with you, he will flirt with every girl in front of you. It will be harder to get divorced after you start living with him. The sooner you are able to get a divorce, the better.

I think it's the debate between booksmart or streetsmart, which kind of people are better. Sometimes I feel like there's a campaign going on against booksmart people. I keep reading messages on my facebook feed that good grades don't show intelligence. I also heard somewhere that generally people who do good in school fail in their relationships with people. I agree that street smart people are better at dealing with in-laws and if you have such spouse, he/she can make you successful. But remember that a person who is good at manipulating other people can also manipulate you. I think people should focus more on morals and God fearing qualities of a spouse. From my personal experience, people who get good grades follow ethical and moral rules more when they enter practical life. Getting good grades may be a sign of responsible attitude and respect for laws/ rules, which are good qualities. I don't like people who take shortcuts and cheat. I don't understand why people focus so much on the ability to keep conversation going. You will spend 30 or 40 years with a person, if you have long conversations, you will get sick of that person in 5 or 10 years.

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/motherhood-changes-women-want-husband-174650006.html I found this article related to this subject.

No! My sister is not autistic. Her daughter, the one who receives physical abuse from her, is autistic. She has autistic melt downs, she watches a lot of tv, and I guess autistic people are stubborn, because they don't like change. My sister doesn't live in Pakistan, she lives in US, but we are originally from Pakistan. I agree, My sister should really focus on getting therapy for her daughter.

@Murtaza1 I don't know what's about this culture? All the people are so sadistic and cruel. My niece is autistic, that's why she can get stubborn. My sister doesn't need me to tell her anything. She is educated, and growing up we always discussed this abusive behavior of parents in our culture. I cannot believe she is becoming exactly like those people. What's NLP? I mostly just avoid my family as much as possible. It's because of those kids I am spending time at home. @Ralvi My niece has already become violent. She kicks, bites and has become more stubborn. She will have behavior problems at school. Desi people have something against autistic people. They just hate them. I am lucky I was blessed with a mother who didn't hate me because of autism, at least not until I was 30 years old. My suspicion is my sister has started dealing with abuse recently in her marriage, that's why she is taking her anger out on her daughter. But she doesn't want to discuss anything, so I cannot do anything to help.

@Murtaza1 that's what I don't understand. I didn't think it was possible to treat children like this in US. Her daughter is 6 years old now, but in 4 or 5 years, she will be old enough to understand that she can call police if someone becomes violent with her. I am so sick of hypocricy. If you ever listen to my sister's husband or my parents/ my other sister, you will think the only reason all these people are alive is because of my sister's kids. Yet when they see this kind of abuse happening, they don't care at all. It's not my sister's fault. She has been through some abuse and i guess she has power only over her kids.

So I made this thread and now it's relevant to my life. My sister is visiting with her kids and she beats her daughter almost every day. It's heart breaking to watch because i cannot do anything about it. The strange thing is when her kids were little, she was so patient with them. Now when they are mostly independent and her life is less stressful, she has developed this scary rage. It happens so suddenly, one minute she is laughing, next minute she gets really angry. Even I get scared when she is yelling at her kids. And for really stupid reasons. She is worried so much about their diet. Since they are kids, of course they like unhealthy stuff. Or she is worried about their bed time or their teeth. She cleans their teeth every night and i guess it's painful, so they don't like it. I don't understand she worries so much about small unimportant stuff, but she doesn't care about psychological harm she is causing. They are only 2 kids in our family, their father, grandparents, and their dear aunt act like those two kids are the center of their universe. But no one wants to find out what is the reason for my sister's rage? Everyone acts like it's normal. You just console the kid, take her on vacation and you have done your duty. So the abuse goes on. I don't know they probably think this kind of discipline is good for the kid. I am so heart broken, my family is all educated people living in US for many years. When did they become so ignorant and barbaric in their thinking. I will admit i cannot do much to help that kid because when my sister is angry, i know if i interfere, she will turn on me. I just don't understand why. Women get frustrated when their kids are little. I have seen my sister, she was always so patient with her kids even when she had to do so much work. Now she creates problems and worries about every little thing. I believe she is doing more damage than good.

I sometimes feel that we are all very protective of kids, but we judge adults very harshly. If an adult is going through abuse, he/ she should be able to deal with it. If that person is not able to stand up for himself, then that person is week and he/ she needs to learn a lesson. Some people are more brave while some people are cowards. And also, when a person is going through abuse and cannot find any support, it can be very bad for that person's confidence and decision making power, and other abilities. That person can become vulnerable like a kid. Especially if the abuse is happening to a woman who is responsible for raising kids, we can imagine that this will ultimately have a bad effect on her kids. So if we want to protect kids, we should also pay a little attention to their mothers.