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In the Name of God بسم الله
hasanboby
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sunrise_786 reacted to a post in a topic:
Dealing With Marriage Problems
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Thanks you so much for your wise advise, I know I am in very difficult position with no easy solution. I am worried about my child that’s why I am not going for divorce straight away as he need both father and mother and Joint custody may not be better option for my son either. I don’t know the details of divorce procedure in UK but we married in Pakistan and have not registered our marriage in UK so far. I need to fix this issue for sure. Either fixing my existing relation or finding a new one and I need to fix it myself as you said “if I don't no-one really will”. Wassalamu Alaykum,
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How do you know she is a doctor?
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Ruq reacted to a post in a topic:
Dealing With Marriage Problems
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Lady Vanilla reacted to a post in a topic:
Dealing With Marriage Problems
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I will talk with her again when we are back to our house, this time very seriously. My first priority is save the relation. I may seek marriage counselling if possible. She is generally a good and religious girl but she is influenced by her parents I think. I will try to minimize her family involvement in our life and I will try to move to another city as soon as possible. I will try my best to improve myself (as I was now just ignoring her), I will do things that make her happy. To give her solid reasons to love me. May Allah help me to save my relation. I will try this for up to 2 years. If this won’t work I have to bring someone else in my life as I can’t think of living such a life till my death.
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Yes, it is very common in Pakistan that couple don’t even see each other before marriage. We were lucky in that we managed to get 2 meetings (in supervision of their family though). Yes, I will talk with her again when we are back to our home again since we are currently living in her parents’ house.
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Yes we have cultural differences. She is British born and I am Pakistani (not traditional Pakistani husband though, otherwise I would have divorced her a long ago). Her parents are Pakistani.
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The only thing I know she don’t like about me is that I don’t talk much. With her, In front of her parents and in front of guests. .. and this is because I am sad. I used to talk a very happily before my marriage but since I moved from my country to UK (only because of her as she want to do job In UK). I can’t find anyone here that I can trust anymore including my own wife. I feel unloved here. The only thing that can make me happy is a trustful healthy relation. Or there could be some medical reason as she is not physically healthy and remain lazy most of the times (with no energy). I am trying to change her lifestyle but can’t until she get out of her parents’ house. the last thing I know is because she spend most of her time with her parents as I have bought the house very near to my in-laws (because of her wish). I can see her mom is teaching her to be controlling wife. She even tell me most of the time to take care of the child, do house work and help her daughter in this and that. Her father is almost same. This is a big factor that has changed her attitude to controlling me and if I try to be man of the house we usually have to fight to control things.
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I know my financial responsibilities (house, clothes and food) and providing her all off this. Also I have no issue giving positive response to her physical needs. I respect her and help her whenever she needs me. Am I missing anything? Its arrange marriage but not force marriage at all. We had a meeting twice before our marriage. In meeting before marriage we both agreed we will take care of each other rights. In this meeting I agree she can do job after marriage if she is fulfilling her responsibilities and can take care of the child. She is not doing both of it(Well enough) and she has no plan to leave the job either. I asked her few times and she says she is happy and can’t live without me. She always claim she loves me but her actions don’t.
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May be you are right that I am responsible to make this happen but I trusted her as she told me several times that she will change after we move from her parents’ house, after we have a child and after this and after that and this never happen I don’t have any expectation from her anymore. I still want to solve it between us and will involve others as a last resort. I have tried to discuss the same issue several times with her I even stop sleeping with her for several nights as Quran suggests it but I did not beat her. Beating her is something difficult for me as it may create other issues when she will spread this news to everyone as she do not lose any change to make my image bade to outside world.
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I am not sure that in case of temporary marriage you don’t have to do justice? I think both marriages have same rulings. is it not the case? Are you sure in case if temporary marriage there is any such relaxation? I do taqlid of (follow) “ayatullah sistani” so do you have any reference of his Fatwa? I will ask the same from representative of ayatollah sistani. Also I don’t want to make a rigid relations based on rights and responsibilities only. I need a true relation and I will need to give more to the next wife if I want to make this relation successful otherwise I may end up with another issue of relation with the person that is more important to me. I am not looking for any temporary solution I need a permanent relation till my death so a discreet temporary marriage seam not feasible in a long-term.
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Thanks brother, I know the ruling that I do not need to tell anybody about my marriage but I never thought about that possibility. It sounds good solution to me initially but I am just thinking practical implications of it that I have to do justice between 2 wives and I need to sleep with one at least 1 night out of 4 I believe? Creating a question for my first wife where I am on every 4th night? etc. I might go initially for temporary marriage and if I think we have a compatibility I can permanently marry and publicise it. Any way thanks for you advise and I am seriously thinking about it.
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Baka reacted to a post in a topic:
Dealing With Marriage Problems
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Baka reacted to a post in a topic:
Dealing With Marriage Problems
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Do you have office in UK? Or do you do counselling over the phone?
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First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now. Sorry for not explaining my point in detail as this lead to some confusions. The issue I explained is about four year history of our marriage prior to the pregnancy of my wife. I understand after pregnancy I should not be expecting my wife to give my conjugal rights but only for limited period of time (say a year or 2). This is not the only issue with our relationship. There are other issues like abusive attitude and not being respected, not letting me to decide where to live, when to have child and what do with my life. I think the issue is also because she spend most of her time with her parents and not with me. I am now considering marriage counselling if she agrees and if it doesn’t work until 2 years I will move to another city with my child (away from her parents). It will be her decision to choose to live with me or her parents. If she chose her parents I will need to do second marriage. Please advise,
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First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now. Sorry for not explaining my point in detail. Yes you guess right that this is the issue for years and not after the pregnancy. Although it is worst after pregnancy and we haven’t had sex since she got pregnant till now but I am ok with it if it is only for limited period of time.
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First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now. To answer your question: No it is not related to period of pregnancy or child birth. I understand it and it is not the issue. I meant the four year history prior to her pregnancy and I can see its even worst after.
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First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now. To answer your question it is right after few days of the marriage. Since she moved back to UK and I moved to UK after a month. And since then I am facing this issue. It not related to pregnancy or after birth.